Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Goodness.  Been a while since I've been on here.  I don't know what I do that.  I start a good routine of writing on here and then I go MIA for a while.

Well I'm back home for winter break.  And I'm sick... I got home on Friday, babysat that night, babysat again the next night, woke up feeling a little congested but babysat that morning.  The next day I had a full on, what I thought was, a sinus infection.  I had the worst nights sleep last night.  I went to bed at 9:30pm since I wasn't feeling well, my brother and dad woke me up at 12:30am being too loud.  I then woke up once every hour until I finally stayed awake at 8:15pm.  I felt pretty well today but definitely not perfect.  My whole neck and back is sore, I can hardly move my head, and every time I stand up my head pounds.  But other than that I'm fine.  Oh yea, and my throat is swollen and I'm started to get little white puss spots on it... wonderful.  I just want to feel better!!

Depending on how I feel tomorrow my mom said she may take me to the doctor.  As long as she doesn't do a full on check-up I don't mind.  However, there are some gross cuts on my hip that I do not want her to see!  I have no idea how I would explain those...  

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 10: Christmas wish list
- Reach my goal weight, knitting supplies, strength to continue losing weight, clothing

Day 11: Tea or coffee?
- Definitely tea!! I don't like coffee and I love tea!  I don't think I can get through a day without it.  I drink all kinds: earl gray, green, english breakfast, chamomile, english afternoon, irish afternoon, basically everything!  I don't like lemon though.  I used to drink it with sugar and milk but started cutting back on the sugar and skipping the milk.

So much is going on right now . . .  How and when did life get so stressful?  And when did I become so unmotivated about school?  That's never been me.  I've always been hard working and motivated, never stopping.  And lately I've just been losing interest.  I think more and more about death.  I couldn't actually kill myself but I keep thinking about it.  Wondering what the point to all of this is.  Why am I in school?  Why does it matter?  Why do I need to live?  What's the point?  I promise I'm not suicidal.  I just don't understand where my head is right now . . .

Also, I started talking to Ryan again . . .  I don't think I've ever talked about him on here.  We met the summer before my sophomore year of college and he was just graduating.  He ended up moving to where I go to school to live with one of his best friends who was a senior when I was a sophomore.  We went on a couple dates and talked all the time.  And then, like I always, I freaked out.  He was getting to close and I wasn't comfortable with it so I started withdrawing.  Well, he didn't take that well at all and completely blew up on me.  We fought consistently for about two weeks where he would yell at me and tell me I was an awful person and blah blah blah.  Well, we finally stopped talking.  I was really upset after that situation.  At the time I didn't realize any of it was my fault and blamed it all on him being psycho.  Looking back on it I realize it had a lot to do with me and my insecurity with people getting too close.  Well, half a year later (end of my second semester sophomore year) I started to realize this and realized I missed his friendship.  He had since moved and got a job.  So we started texting and talking again.  Of course there was still an attraction there so we were very flirty and such.  Well, that summer, it ended in a blow up again.  We talked about how neither of us would ever do a long distance relationship and somehow things turned weird from there.   I'm not really sure what prompted it but he went crazy again and we stopped talking.

You think I'd have learned my lesson.  Nope.  We started talking again a couple weeks into this semester (first semester junior year).  He then asked if I would go to dinner with him if he came to visit.  I said I didn't think it was a good idea since neither of us want a long distance relationship and I knew that going to dinner would just complicate things.  He proceeded to tell me I was dumber than he thought and he should have seen it and I was the stupidest person he'd ever met.

Lesson learned?  Apparently not.  We are talking again.  Everything's on good terms and I really enjoy talking to him.  A few nights ago we were texting and for some reason he brought up my weight.  He wanted to guess how much I weighed and he guessed between 130 and 135.  Correct.  I asked him why he wanted to know and this is how the convo went from there:
Him: Just curiosity.  You're at the perfect weight really.  You got substance but it's tailored and trimmed
(little does he know I don't want that "substance."  I want emptiness)
Me: Thanks :)  I wouldn't say perfect but I'll take the compliment anyway
Him: Trust me your weight is highly ideal.  You may think you want to weigh less but you don't
Him: You prob would like to be more toned
Me: Lol.  Thanks
Him: Which means your weight is perfect :)

I just disagree completely . . .  But whatever.  He can think what he wants.  For now I want to reach 120 so I can reach 115 and take it from there.  I think my ultimate weight is probably 110.  But for now I want to get back down to 120.

Well this post is getting kind of long so I'll stop it here.  Thank you to everyone who reads and has been commenting on this posts!!  Judith Marie and Lolo =]

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Well I just got back to school.  I'm currently the only one in the sorority house so literally nothing is going on.  I also just weighed myself.  I'm at 133.2.  Ughh...  I suppose I should be happy that I lost over the break instead of gaining.  I'm down 1.4 lbs since I last weighed myself.  But still...I have 28 days until Christmas.  I need to lose at least 13.2 lbs by then.  Ideally I'd lose 18.2 but I don't know if I could pull that off.  I just need to push harder!

I'm attempting to fast today.  I've been awake for eight hours and haven't eaten yet.  And it's been about 20 since my last meal.  I'm drinking a lot of water to keep my mind off being hungry.  I know that, since it's our first day back from the break, people are going to try to convince me to go get dinner with them.  Somehow I need to find the will power to go eat with them but not let myself eat.  I'm so close yet so far away from my goal.

Time to update on the days for the challenge:
Day 6: List 10 things about your personality.
- I'm quick to learn, eager to please, put others' needs in front of my own, a great listener, dedicated, I thrive off stress and keeping myself busy, I over think everything, I'm creative and crafty, my mood can change very fast and I tend to go from 'happy' to depressed for no reason, and I'm competitive.

Day 7: Current weight
- 133.2 (I'm going from today since I didn't have a scale on the actual 7th day)

Day 8: Body part you want to change the most
- Without a doubt my stomach.  I have a gross gut that sticks out and makes me cringe just thinking about it.  Although I'd also like to get rid of the fat on my thighs and hips...  I never have liked my thighs.

Day 9: Brief plans for the Holidays
- Coming home from college and just hanging out at home, babysitting, maybe hanging out with some 'friends.'  Then having Christmas at my house and possibly going to visit college friends or have them come visit me, especially for New Years.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Well . . . I hate holidays.  I love being around my family and everything but hate that there is so much food everywhere!!  I did pretty well before dinner.  Definitely more than I was planning but I didn't feel guilty.  I ate half a banana, an apple, a handful of grapes, and a bag of fritos.  Okay . . . putting it in writing seems a lot worse than when I just thought about it . . . shoot . . .  Well there's nothing I can do about that now.

Then for dinner I ate too much.  And by that I mean I ate one plateful (a normal serving of food).  But we all know that "normal" is too much.  Especially when you consider how fat the American population is as a whole.  It disgusts me.  Well, I ate turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, asparagus, and bread with butter.  And, of course, my turkey and mashed potatoes had gravy.  Gravy = pure fat.  Then I had a rootbeer to go with it which is about 170 calories on its own.  And for dessert I had a bowl of ice cream with about a table spoon of log cabin maple syrup on top.  Ughhh!!!  Too much food!!!  I seriously need to start working out more than I do.  And eat less.

Now all I want to do is go to sleep!!  Tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard near by which will be great.  Although my Aunt will try to get me to eat a caramel apple or some apple cookies . . . or both.  And I have no idea how I'm going to handle that.  Logic is telling me to say no to both!  But we'll see what will power does tomorrow.  I just have to remember that it's not worth it!  The taste will only last for a few minutes.  But the feeling of being thin will last much longer.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Minnesota Weekend

Day 5: Are you pro-thinspo, pro-fitspo, pro-ana, pro-mia, or pro-weight-loss?  Why?
- Difficult question . . . I'd say I'm definitely pro-thinspo, fitspo, and weight loss for myself and others.  On a whole I encourage others to be healthy and inspiration that helps you achieve that is always good.  However, I am not pro-any form of eating disorder for those who don't have one.  I am a member of a "pro-ana" site though.  I go there for support and inspiration.  So I like having the option of visiting a pro-ana site even though I strongly discourage it for anyone not already struggling.

So I'm up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving.  This is gonna be a struggle.  I already ate more today than I should have and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!  I don't plan on eating anything before dinner though that way if I over eat a little bit it won't be the end of the world.  Though I'd really like to eat less than a normal portion of food.  Just a taste of everything to occupy time and show everyone I'm eating.  Is it bad that I'm hoping to wake up really sick tomorrow?  Last year I got so lucky and was throwing up during dinner so I didn't have to worry about it.  Oh well . . . I'll just have to prove my strength of character.

I've been thinking about trying out laxatives lately and Judith Marie (a blogger I follow) just recently posted about using them.  It's seriously making the thoughts even stronger.  Sure, now you all probably think I just copy everything I read from blogs.  I promise you that's not the case.  Reading these blogs just helps me settle these debates I've been having with myself.  But you can think what you wish.  Unfortunately I am not home or up at school so I don't have the opportunity to get them at the moment.  I'm going to have to wait till I leave Minnesota.  Gives me some more time to debate about it.

And now for a comment response:

Judith Marie:  Thank you so much for your lovely comment!  I'm always terrified that someone is going to to notice my cutting and confront me about it.  So I had to be sure I put it somewhere no one would see.  Your comment really means a lot =]  I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it beautiful.  I guess that's how our minds work.  There's something inherently more beautiful about something when you've carved it into your skin.  Maybe that's just because I'm crazy . . .

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I did it.  I cut a design into my hip!  Before I post a picture of that I'm gonna respond to Judith Marie's comment on my previous post.

Judith Marie:  An x-acto knife (just figured out the spelling) looks like this.  Fun Fact:  When I was in 8th grade my mom was helping my friend and I work on a science project and we were using one of these to cut pipes and cardboard and an assortment of other things.  Somehow we were talking about how it could easily cut skin and started referring to it as a "flesh cutter."  And now that's exactly what I use it for.

And here's the design I made with it.  It felt so good to be making such precise marks.  Looking back on it I should have done five petals on the flower instead of 4 but that's okay.  It's positioned slightly to the left of my right hip bone.  Hidden by practically everything I wear.  Not sure about bathing suits but seeing as it's November I won't have to worry about that.

I'm leaving school to go on Thanksgiving break today.  My friend goes to school about 4 hours north of me so she's gonna swing by and pick me up before driving another 4 hours home.  She's getting here around noon and wants to grab lunch...great.  I was kinda counting on not eating lunch today since I'm gonna have to eat dinner.  I'll just have to eat something small and not eat all of it.  If I seriously want to get down to 120/115 by Christmas I'm gonna have to step up my game.

Day 4: Favorite Meal
- Spaghetti and meatballs.  More specifically my mom's recipe.  I can make it too; just as long as it's her recipe I think it's delicious.  But it's chalk full of calories so I refrain from making it.

Monday, November 21, 2011

New Scale and Cutting Instrument


Finally bought a scale today!!  Though I weighed myself and am disappointed by what I found.  134.6 lbs is nothing to be proud of.

I started on a 37 Day Christmas Weight Loss Challenge on facebook (my ana profile, not my real one).  I started it on the third day so I'll update you till then.

DAY ONE: Stats
- Height: 5'8"
- CW: 134.6 lbs
- UGW: 100 lbs

DAY TWO: The weight you wish to be Christmas morning
- 115 lbs.  That's 20 lbs in about 34 days . . . yikes.  Maybe a more realistic goal is 120 lbs.

DAY THREE: Describe how you want to feel at Christmas dinners/parties
- Christmas Dinners: in control, amazed by my self-discipline, finding pleasure in watching others eat while refusing food.
- Christmas Parties: I want to turn heads, be the girl everyone wants to be, thin and beautiful.

I'm really glad I finally have a scale.  Now hopefully I'll stay more on track.  Although Thanksgiving break is coming up in a few days and I'm worried about that.  My family is going up to visit more family in Minnesota and I'm worried it'll be hard to get away with not eating.  We'll see.

In addition to buying a scale today I bought an exacto-knife.  Sorry to those who don't approve of cutting but that's what it's for.  Anyone who's been following this blog knows I cut myself.  In the past I've always used razors, and once scissors.  Now I want to try something new.  I'm following someone's blog who cut a really beautiful bird into her leg.  I kinda want to try cutting something pretty into my skin instead of just lines.  We'll see =]

Monday, November 14, 2011

I was reading Escape From Freedom by Erich Fromm today and came across a lovely passage that I wanted to share with you all.  I'll let you interpret it as you wish.

" 'I knew that we counted little in comparison with the universe, I knew that we were nothing; but to be so immeasurably nothing seems in some way both to overwhelm and at the same time to reassure.  Those figures, those dimensions beyond the range of human thought, are utterly overpowering.  Is there anything whatsoever to which we can cling?  Amid that chaos of illusions into which we are cast headlong, there is one thing that stands out as true, and that is - love.  All the rest is nothingness, an empty void.  We peer down into a huge dark abyss.  And we are afraid.' "

He quotes that passage from Julian Green's Personal Record and goes to say, "However, this feeling of individual isolation and powerlessness as it has been expressed by these writers and as it is felt by many so-called neurotic people, is nothing the average normal person is aware of."  How true this is.  Thinking about my own thoughts and feelings and those of others with an ED we do think like that.  Our mind is muddled with those types of thoughts everyday.

I think my favorite quote from the whole passage comes a few lines later:

"But whistling in the dark does not bring light.  Aloneness, fear, and bewilderment remain; people cannot stand it forever."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Some Friends

What's the point of having sorority sisters if none of them are going to support you??  I'm in the play here at school and this is the second (and final) weekend of performances.  Tomorrow is our last performance.  We are doing The Foreigner and I am playing Catherine which, for those of you who don't know the play, is a lead character.  One of the things I bragged about during recruitment to the girls who were going through is how supportive my sorority sisters are when I'm in a play.  I told them they would all come watch on the same night and it always made me feel great.  Well this time it is the exact opposite.  Maybe 5 sisters have come in total?  One of my littles came twice which was amazing but the other didn't come at all.  And the other sisters who came aren't even close friends of mine.  There are 61 girls in our chapter, the fact that I can count on one hand the amount of them who came is really upsetting.  Not even my really close friends have come!!

I understand they couldn't come last week because it was a really packed week for those in Greek life.  But this weekend?  Okay, they couldn't come Thursday or Friday but tonight there was no conflict!  They even told me they'd be there!!  When the show got out I texted them and asked what they were up to and they told me they went out!!!  Instead of coming to the show!!!  It was so upsetting.  I cried.  One of them didn't answer my text (and I know she read it cause the iPhone now lets you know when some people have read a text) and the other just told me they went Cowboys (a bar/club or something).  So I asked if she was gonna come see tomorrow's performance and she said "I hope so."  Whatever.  If you don't wanna be there and don't go.  But don't act like we're incredibly good friends either.  At this point I don't even care if they come tomorrow.

On the plus side, my mom and grandma came up today to see it.  That really made me happy cause I didn't think they'd get to come.  My mom hurt her back and hasn't really been able to move and it's a four hour drive from home to here.  I wanted them to meet some of my friends but now I don't even care.  I was gonna see if they all wanted to grab lunch before my mom and grandma left but I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Surprise Visit =]

My big surprised me and came up to visit last night!!  For those of you who have been reading this blog, you know that she graduated last year and you know about our relationship.  For any newcomers (welcome!!): she is my sorority big sister and we were incredibly close when she was here.  But she graduated at the end of last year and I really miss her.  She knew all about my restricting and stuff and took me to counseling and everything.  Anyway, she came to visit last night and it was fantastic!  She told me she wasn't coming up because she had to work and then, when I was on stage performing, I heard her laugh and knew she was watching.  It was really great seeing her again.

We went out after the show last night and had drinks and hung out with a bunch of people.  It was a really nice night.  We didn't fight, no one cried, and it was just a lot of fun.  I didn't even drunk text any guys!!  (Which I have a tendency to do when I drink).  She mentioned a couple of times that I look like I'd lost weight or that I needed to gain weight and things like that.  And it felt so great!  She didn't say it condescendingly like she used to, it was just a nonchalant statement and it was really inspiring!  Clearly I'm doing something right.  Even without a scale I can keep this up and lose the weight I desperately need to lose.  I need to visit my friends in UVA (university village apartments, they are apartments on campus) so I can use their scale to see how I'm doing.  It feels great that some of my clothes are fitting a bit looser and people comment on how thin I am.  I just can't wait till I'm actually thin!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Poem Untitled

Thoughts are jumping everywhere
cluttering my mind
They slip and slide and run about
making them hard to find

It's much too hard to explain
what goes on inside my head
With a confusing stream of consciousness
my mind is never dead

This used to be so comforting
it was a place where I could hide
But then this safe haven turned on me
and I'm drowning in the tide

"You aren't pretty, you aren't smart,
no one around likes you
And there's nothing that will change all this
no matter what you do!"

I try to fight, I try to scream
and make the taunting stop
But everything gets louder
until I'm sure I'll pop!

I used to make them go away
by causing myself pain
Hoping all the little cuts
would keep me staying sane

It lasted for a little while
but didn't last for long
The horrid, self destructive thoughts
came back twice as strong

"You're a horrid friend, and a bitch
no one would care if you would die!"
All these thoughts haunted me
and every night I'd cry

I tried to shake these thoughts
and force them from my mind
I attempted to replace them
and, instead, think something kind

But no matter how hard I tried
nothing seemed to work
And I completely bought in to what they said
convinced I was just a jerk

I couldn't escape the thoughts
or shake the depressing feeling
With everything muddled in my head
my mind was constantly reeling

I needed a way to escape
or some form of control
Because in living in all this chaos
I was paying a huge toll

My self-esteem was extremely low
I always felt inferior
I spent everyday feeling depressed
despite my happy exterior

I started skipping meals
a couple times a week
Completely b accident at first
and not as a feeling happier technique

Slowly I started to realize
how easy and simple it was
To skip a meal everyday
and it gave me a slight buzz

The skipping became more constant
at food I could just scoff
My happiness started increasing
while the weight was melting off

Refusing food and saying no
became its own reward
Of self-control and confidence
when my hunger was ignored

Ana took a hole of me
and became my only friend
Till every thought and moment
on her I would spend

She's still with me now
everywhere I go
And I cling to her company
She'll keep me safe, I know

I know that I'll be happier
the thinner that I get
And I know i'm no where near my goal
cause no one's stopped me yet . . .

I really enjoy writing poetry and that's my latest one.  It doesn't have a title yet but I think that's okay.  Maybe later on I'll share some other poems that I've written.  Depending on if anyone likes this one.  Let me know what you all think!  If anyone is reading this that is.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Half a Confession

This show is sure keeping me busy!  Between classes, studying for tests, sorority events, rehearsals, and now actual performances I've just been running around everywhere.

The shows have been going amazingly!  Last nights audience was just fantastic.  They laughed and awwed so much.  It really was a great feeling.  And after the show I had so many people come up to me and tell me how great I was and how I look so natural on stage.  And the guy that I like was there . . .  they guy I told you is going to formal with one of my sorority sisters.  Well he came up to me after the show and hugged me and told me that I did a fantastic job.  He's from Georgia and we all had to use southern accents for the play (since it takes place in Georgia) and he was like, "I was honestly really impressed with your accent, and with your acting.  You were really great!"  And we talked about how he wished he had auditioned and how he's going to audition for future shows.  We just had a nice little chat.  And then I had to leave to change out of costume so he gave me a hug to say goodbye and as I started walking away he goes "Wait, come back" and gave me another hug but lifted me off the ground . . . wtf?  I don't understand him!!!  I don't want to like him but sometimes it's so difficult!

Now to talk about the half confession:
Not including the townspeople, there are only two girls in the play.  So we've been the only girls going to every rehearsal.  She's in her late 20s I'm pretty sure (she won't tell me so she's either late 20s or early 30s).  But anyway, we've gotten kind of close.  Not incredibly so but still.  To me she feels like a big sister.  We were actually talking about that one day too.  We were sitting backstage and she was like "you remind me of my little sister" and I was like "really?  you remind me of my big sister!  Except that I don't have one" haha.  And she said "Awww, so I'm like the big sister you never had!"  Which is kinda true.  Even though I have my big in my sorority and stuff, but she graduated last year and I don't ever see her.  And R feels like more of a big sister anyway.

Well, one day in the dressing room we were talking about tattoos.  She has one on her back so she was explaining it to me.  I told her I never used to want a tattoo but now there's one that I sort of want.  So she had me show her a picture of what it is:

Now, I'm sure most of you know what this symbol is.  The eating disorder recovery symbol.  I wouldn't get it now for a couple of reasons.
A) I don't want to have to explain it to my parents.  They don't know and they would find the tattoo.
B) It would feel hypocritical to get it now since I'm not recovered at all anymore.

Well, she asked me what it meant and I told her...  I told her it was the eating disorder recovery symbol.  And we didn't really say much more.  We left rehearsal and I texted her a bit later.  I felt a little awkward that I told her and was wondering if it had been a mistake.  It was a short text convo but here it is:
Me: Hey, sorry if that was too much to tell you.  Lol
Her: Not at all, sweetie.  You can tell me whatever you like. :)
Me: I just forgot that it can be kinda awkward for people to find out which is why I don't really tell anyone.
Her: Well it's a personal piece of your history so I can understand wanting to keep it yourself.  But I'm always willing to listen.  I admire you.
Her: There's nothing you can say that's going to make me feel awkward.
Me: Thanks R.  That really means a lot.  And why would you admire me?
Her: Anyone recovering from an eating disorder shows a strength of character that's worth admiring.  You're pretty awesome, C.

I won't share the rest cause not much else is said.  But I thought that was incredibly sweet of her.  It made me feel great that she is willing to be there for me no matter what I tell her.  Obviously I'm not planing on telling her this isn't completely past tense.  But at least she knows it's something I've gone through.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Almost Too Thin?

No Such thing!

Today I was having a conversation with one of my littles (I have two in my sorority and two in the theatre fraternity) about food.  We were talking about anorexia and stuff.  She knows I've restricted my eating in the past but doesn't know I still do it.  So we were talking about how people make day to day comments about my eating habits and how today a girl told me I'm "so lucky I don't need to eat all the time and can survive without food."  Obviously she didn't understand the weight of her words.  She didn't realize how incredibly triggering that was.  Clearly my not eating is viewed by others as a sign of strength!  My plans to not eat dinner were just finalized.

So my little (we'll call this one J) was saying how people never jump to that conclusion when I make a comment about not eating or being fat.  They either think it's no big deal or that I'm just joking.  For some reason other people think I'm being funny when I say I'm fat.  They don't think I could possibly be serious. But I am!!  Anyway, I told J it's because I don't look like I don't eat so no one worries about it.  And she just stared at me.  So I said it again, "I don't look too thin, I don't look like I don't eat" and she just looked at me and said "Big...you are right on the borderline.  If you were any thinner I'd be so worried about you."

Only that had the opposite effect of what she wanted.  She wanted me to go out and get food or something right then.  Or quit restricting altogether.  But no!  She thinks I'm thin!!  I need to keep going. My goal is getting closer and I can't stop now.  I want to be thinner.  I need to be thinner!  And it's going to happen.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I can feel it!  My waist is slimmer, the weight is slowly starting to drip off.  I can't believe it!  Even without a scale I know it.  Pants that were starting to fit really tight after gaining weight are starting to fit me perfectly again!  No more struggling to button them up.  Which means my wardrobe just expanded.  I hate forcing myself into clothes, it's just a reminder of how fat I am!  But now that they slide on with ease I can show them off to the world :D

Slowly but surely I'll reach my goal.  Slowly but surely I'll look incredible and thin!

Also...I cut myself again.  About two nights ago.  So many thin, perfect razor cuts adorn my right side.  With everything else I feel the need to be even, but with this...no.  Not at all.  My right hip is where the cuts always go.  No where else.  Strange to think.  When someone taps my left side, I automatically tap my right side, I eat everything in even numbers.  Yet cutting doesn't need to be even.  I don't understand it but that's okay.  I only let doctors give me shots on my left side so maybe that's how it balances out?  Who knows..

Unfortunately I didn't think about this beforehand.  I have to change costumes in the dressing room for the play I'm in...  And my hip is not the easiest of places to hide when I'm changing from dress to dress to dress.  Especially when one of them is such a fast change that I literally only have time to take one dress off and throw the other one on.  Thankfully that gets done in a blackout backstage and not in the dressing room and I don't think anyone can see very well.  But still...I'm worried someone will accidentally see..

Saturday, October 29, 2011


So I can't keep up the ABC Diet.  It's just too complicated at the moment.  I'm still restricting and limiting calories and food but telling myself I can stick to the ABC Diet is just setting myself up for failure.  So for now I'm just getting away with eating as little as possible.  Measuring cups and table spoons have become my best friend for pre-measuring portions.  I keep a 1 cup bag of cheerios (100 cals) in my room at all times so I can just grab it and go in the morning if I didn't get the chance to eat breakfast or I need something to snack on throughout the day.

I bought ingredients to make myself omelets in the morning when I have time.  They are delicious!!

It's an egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, and a bit of cheese.  I put a small amount of everything so basically all the calories come from the egg whites.  It's a delicious way to start my day!

I also have some microwavable meals for during the day if I don't have time to make something or I don't have something pre-made in my fridge.  Though I'm trying to do more of that than the microwavable meals.  I need to go grocery shopping today so I can make some chicken, bbq quesadillas (around 150 cals per quesadilla).  The Eat What You Love Cookbook is seriously fantastic!  I highly recommend it.

I'm also going to start keeping serving size containers of vegetables (ie corn, green beans, etc) already cooked in my fridge so all I have to do is heat them up and I know exactly how many calories are in them. We'll see how much that I get done today.  I may just end up doing it all tomorrow.

My roommate and I just deep cleaned our room and it looks fantastic!  All I've eaten so far today is my 100 cal bag of cheerios and I'm not hungry at all.  I may drink a Propel Zero in a bit.  Or maybe a Vanilla Coke Zero.  Plans for the rest of the day include: homework, casting call at 6:00pm, Halloween party.  So that's exactly what I'll be doing.  The casting call is for some commercial for a store downtown and I figured I'd give it a shot.  We'll see how it goes.

I haven't decided if I'm going to be Ke$ha or Taylor Swift for the Halloween Party tonight.  I was Ke$ha last night for our social and I kinda just want to do that again!  Haha.  I'll make the decision later.  I'll need to eat something before the party since we'll be drinking.  I just won't eat too much.  Maybe a 300 cal microwavable dinner or something.  We'll see.

Well, I have to shower and get homework done so that's all for now =]

P.S.  I forgot my other complication.  I don't own a scale up at school!  My roommate wouldn't be too happy if I bought one (same roommate from last semester who found out about all of this) so I don't know what to do.  I should just buy one and hide it under my bed.  That way no one needs to get all worried about it and I'll still be able to weigh myself.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

ABC Diet ~ Day 5


Ehhh...Not the most successful of days.  But I've had worse.  I had kind of a hectic day and though I never actually ate something, I picked at a lot all day.  And I'm fairly certain my calories went over 100.  I'm just not sure by how much.  The worse part is that I picked at junk food all day which is just really not good.  Tomorrow's a 200 day and I'm hoping I do much better.  I'm gonna try to eat nothing until dinner time and a 200 cal soup.  That would be perfect :D  Lots of tea and water other than that.

I wish I had more time to update you, I feel like so much is going on in my life.  But I seriously need to get to bed.  I'm not babysitting tomorrow but I would like to catch up on some sleep before my 10am class.

I'm hoping I'll find time to write tomorrow?  We'll see.  I live a hectic and busy life.  What better lifestyle for someone like me?  I still hate the word anorexic.  I don't like to think of myself as one.  It doesn't seem to fit me.  So I restrict my food and eat less than most people.  So what?  Whatever...  I don't think it really matters.

Well I'm off to bed!  Hopefully tomorrow's post will have at least some details of what my life is currently like.  Goodnight!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

ABC Diet - Day 4


So today kinda sucked a bit.  Though not as much as I expected.  I woke up this morning and wasn't hung over at all!  Fantastic :D  Though one of my friends that came out with me last night was.  And we were both pretty drunk together.  I just don't usually get hung over unless it's just for a little bit.

But anyway, I went to breakfast with some of my sorority sisters to hang out and talk.  I had a bowl of Chex Rice Cereal and that's all!  While they heaped their plates with eggs, french toast, potatoes, chicken nuggets, cookies, etc. I was perfectly content with my small bowl of cereal.

But then later, at around 4:30pm, one of my best friends came back to the house and sayed "I got you a cheeseburger from MacDonald's!"  Ughhhhhh!!!!  Whyy?  I tried getting out of it but she acted like she was offended and was like "you barely ate when we went to breakfast this morning and that was a long time ago" so there was just no getting out of it.  So I ended up eating the cheeseburger.

So here's my total:
- Chex Rice Cereal: 120
- MacDonald's Cheeseburger: 300

I haven't eaten anything else so I didn't go over by that much.  Which is fantastic!  I was sure the cheeseburger would have been more than that.  I'm so glad it wasn't.

Well I've gotta get up at 6:00am tomorrow so I can go babysit.  I'll be back tomorrow :D

Oh Goodness... + Day 3


That's pretty damn good!  Before I continue I just want to apologize for the fact that I have been drinking.  I need to stop doing that...  I just haven't been out, practically at all this semester so my friends have been bugging me to go out with them.

- Some mexican style pizza rolls: 100
- 5 Wendy's chicken nuggets: 75
- Tea: 0

Wonderful :D  There isn't much to explain about tonight.  I'm nervous I'm gonna feel like shit in the morning cause I'm pretty drunk.  I'm postponing going to sleep so I can work off a little bit more of the drunk feeling.  Seriously, drinking while being Ana is NOT a good thing!  You get drunk way to fast and can't handle alcohol like you can when you've been eating.  I feel the urge to eat something but know that I can't.  Since it's 4:15 any calories that I eat now should, technically, count towards tomorrows allotted amount.  But since I'm really nervous about being sick tomorrow I may have a small snack since I came in at about half my allotted calories for today.  Idk...

Anyway, I'm gonna end this post with a promise to myself I won't ever drink this much again.  Especially while on the ABC diet.  Even though I didn't really drink that much anyway.  But you know how it goes...

Love you all!  Best wishes and thin thoughts.  I will be thin, I will be beautiful.  Just wait and see!!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

ABC Diet - Day 2


Hurray!  Stayed under my limit for the day :D  Fantastic!

- Propel Zero: 0
- 1/2 Smoked Turkey Sandwich from Panera - 210
- 1/4 Greek Salad from Panera - 92
- Tea: 0

I went to pick up my dress for my friends wedding (I'm walking her flower girl down the isle!!) today and she came with me.  And she wanted to go to lunch with me when we were done so we went to Panera.  Luckily I have all the calorie details and such in the notebook I carry around with me.  But Panera has the calories on the menu anyway which makes this so much easier.  So that's where all my calories from today came from.

I was supposed to go to her apartment for dinner where they were making chili and a bunch of other things.  I was extremely worried about that...  But, I got there around 5:30pm and had to be at rehearsal at 7:00pm and they were no where near being finished with the cooking so I got out of that really easily! I had thought about coming back to my room and going to sleep but decided not to.  So I'm done at 302! Tomorrow's a 300 cal day and I'm determined to accomplish it!  I'm tired of bending to the desire of food.  I'm tired of being weak.  It's time to show myself what I can do!!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Yesterday's Progress


Well...basically.  Here's how:

Tea, a lot - 0
New England Clam Chowder - 210
Goldfish - 120
Alcohol - . . . ?

Yea . . . I practically ate nothing but then drank last night so I don't know.  I didn't drink that much, it doesn't take much when you've only had 330 cals worth of food all day.

Last night wasn't a good night either.  I found out that the guy I like is going to formal with one of my sorority sisters.  And the thing is, we've made out before!  In my bedroom!  Like . . . I get that we just made out but that was a big deal for me to do that with someone in my room.  And now I just feel like a stupid whore.  The thing that I don't understand is that he didn't even try to go further than make out.  He try anything!  Which made me think he actually liked me.  Well, guess I was wrong there.  Should have known.  Obviously no one could ever like me that way.  I need to stop kidding myself.

Then after that I found out that my newest little put me down as #3 on her big list . . ..  I don't know if anyone reading this knows/understands sorority life.  Bigs act as mentors for their littles.  They are role models and advice givers and friends, just like a biological big sister would be.  And, of course, everyone wants their #1 choice.  Or at least their #2.  But . . . #3?  Idk . . . she seems pretty excited but it still didn't feel good to hear it.  I plan on being an amazing big no matter what though.  Just the combination of this and hearing about the guy was not what I needed.

I came back to my room pretty early cause I didn't want to be out anymore.  I just wanted to cry and go to sleep.  So that's what I did.  And I actually cried in front of someone!  I HATE doing that.  I don't like people seeing me weak and vulnerable.  But I did.  For some reason I just wanted to go see one of my friends last night.  She lives in the sorority house with me (only 14 girls live here).  My big graduated last year and this semester Megg has been like a stand in big for me.  And she just hugged me and let me cry.  Then her roommate got back, one of my best friends, and she was really supportive too.  They told me I should sleepover with them so I did.  Which was really nice.  Had I not done that I know I would have gone back to my room and cut myself . . .  I've already done it once this semester.  The problem with cutting is that once you start, it's hard to stop.  Just like an ED.  I hate that I do but sometimes I can't help it.  And other times I can ride out the urge to do it.  It all depends.

Last night I didn't feel too drunk or anything.  But when I woke up this morning . . . goodness.  I felt queasy and shaky.  I had to wake up at 5:45am so I could take a shower and get ready to babysit at 6:30am.  I felt awful!  I went back up to my room, went to the bathroom, and just wanted to throw-up.  But there was nothing to throw up so nothing happened.  After a few minutes the queasiness stopped but I was sweaty and shaky and felt hot/cold at the same time.  I almost called in sick to my babysitting job.  But the shower helped a lot and I felt so much better so I went to work.  I only work till 8:00am when I go take him to daycare so it wasn't bad.  Plus I got payed today.

My stomach still feels a little uneasy.  And I know that will go away with food so I plan on getting something for breakfast soon.  If I don't take a nap first.  Today is another 500 cal day so I have to plan accordingly.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

ABC Diet Again

I know I have been MIA for a while.  But I'm back!  And today I started the ABC Diet again.  Last time I didn't make it very far but hopefully this time will be different.  So, let the blogging commence!


^ my allotted calorie intake for the day.  So far I'm at: 0  Yayy!!

It's 3:22pm and I haven't eaten anything yet.  I was debating eating lunch but...I still haven't decided.  I have 500 cals to spend so I'll probably eat in a little bit.  I just don't have the motivation to.  Which I suppose is a good thing!

I also have a texting buddy =]  Hopefully this one works out better than my past ones have.  I'm excited!  I'm also excited to be back in the swing of things.  Isn't that crazy?  It's a bit messed up how exhilarating an ED can be.  It is in every way a sick obsession.

I'm keeping this post brief, there isn't much for me to say.  I just hope I'll be back a lot more often now!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hectic Days Moving to School

These past few days have been so hectic!  I moved back up to school yesterday.  I'm now a junior in college!!  I didn't end up fasting any of these days.  I forgot how difficult it gets when I'm about to leave for school.  My mom wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before I left (which I love doing) which included meals...  I didn't eat the same portions that a normal person would so I'm proud.  And then on my last night she made pasta!  One of my favorite meals!!  But I had eaten half of a sandwich earlier and wasn't hungry.  I tried to eat my normal amount of pasta and couldn't get even half-way through it.  And after I had a horrible stomach ache.  My body naturally got rid of some of it.  At least I know my body is helping me not eat too much.

And it happened again today!  I had two slices of pizza for lunch and then went to Moe's for dinner.  Today was the first day I got to see some of my best friends up here so they wanted to go out to eat.  I got half-way through a junior burrito and ate some chips before I felt too full.  Then, about 5 minutes later when we were in Walmart, I felt awful!  I had a bad stomach ache and felt all sweaty.  Don't worry body, I will not be doing that regularly.  Now that it's been a full day since I've been here I'm hoping I won't be roped into meals all the time.  I went grocery shopping today and picked up stuff for the week.  I'm going to make oatmeal breakfast bars (80 cals each) and a spinach and sausage rigatoni dish (300 cals per 1 1/2 cups).

I have an Eat What You Love cookbook that gives low cal recipes for great food!  And each recipe includes a calorie count :D  I know 300 cals is a lot...  That makes 380 for the day though if I don't eat lunch.  And if I don't eat 1 1/2 cups it lowers the total a bit.  I won't make it often but it's one of my fav recipes so I'm treating myself!  I love this cookbook!  I plan to cook my way through it this semester.  As I make things I'll upload pictures so y'all can see.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Okay, so fasting today didn't work out.  My mom brought home dinner and I ended up eating.  I had half of a wrap from Chicken Kitchen.  And I didn't eat breakfast so that just makes it worse...  But until then (it was 6:30pm when I ate) I hadn't eaten anything.  So we'll see what that does for my weight.  I had a slice of watermelon a little while after that but since it's basically water I figure it doesn't really count.

I go back up to school in a few days.  I'm leaving on Monday.  Pretty excited and not at the same time.  I miss a lot of the people so I'm excited about that but I don't wanna leave here and have classes.  Laura and I have gotten so much closer these past few days and it's going to suck to not have her as close.  Though she's only like 45 minutes away when we're both at school.  So hopefully it won't be too bad.  I'm teaching her how to knit which is pretty exciting!  I absolutely love knitting and have done so much of it this summer.

I'm gonna try for a fast day tomorrow.  We'll see how that works out.  I just have to play my cards right and avoid food at all costs.  Isn't it crazy how saying no to food gives a sense of empowerment?  How can that be?  It's so weird to think that a year ago I wasn't like this.  I have made such a 360 in the past year it's almost frightening.  And yet it isn't.  I enjoy being the way I am.  Despite the fact that sometimes it terrifies me.  Clearly there is no getting better.  There is no going back once you've started.  And I'm okay with that.

Empty Stomach - Empty Heart

So last night was horrible...  Though it didn't start out that way

Yesterday itself was wonderful.  The only thing I had to eat was an apple (around 80 cals) and I've heard apples are negative calories, though I'm not sure if I trust that.  So I'm counting the 80 cals.  But that's all I had.  And I felt fantastic!!  Later on I found out there was going to be a party and the guy I talked about in my last post was gonna be there.  He even told me I had to go cause he wanted to see me.  So, of course, I was feeling even better.

Well, my friends and I got to the party at around 10:30 or so and we were practically the first ones there.  We started drinking and just hanging out and we were having a great time.  Then a bunch of other people started showing up, including this guy.  This has the potential of being a really long story so I'm gonna keep it short so I don't bore you.  Basically, I shaved my legs just incase (and I had a strong feeling it would happen) he ended up touching them and we ended up making out or something.  We were sitting with each other and he kept touching my back and arms and I thought for sure something was going to happen.  The combo of not eating and drinking made me tipsy pretty fast so I was in a good mood and feeling fantastic.  Then he left for a bit to go smoke weed and when he came back he was totally different.  He was high and all of a sudden didn't wanna touch me or really talk to anyone and suddenly I started feeling worse about myself.  And then about an hour or so later he left with all his friends.  With just a hug as a good bye.  What the fuck?!  I mean...okay, so he didn't wanna hook up.  But then why would he text me to be sure I came to the party?!!  All I could think about was "if I was skinnier...if I had lost more weight...if I wasn't such a whale...if I was pretty..."

After he left I was kinda...okay, not kinda, really, bummed.  And all of a sudden I was alone.  The group that I was hanging out with had dispersed to go talk to other people.  I mean, who wants to sit around a fat, sulky person?  I don't blame them.  So rather than sit there like the loser I am, I went out to the back yard and sat alone.  The sad part?  No one even noticed.  No one called or texted or anything.  Clearly just no one cares.  Then one of the girls who left to say goodbye to some people came back and realized I wasn't there and she called and came and found me sitting in the grass crying.  I love her to death and have no idea what I'd do without her.

We left a little while after that and four of us went to spend the night and one of their houses.  It's funny how gullible and clueless people can be.  I just had to say "I have to get something out of my car, be right back" and I went to her front yard and forced myself to throw up.  Not that there was much to throw up.  But it felt good to do it.

I ended up telling Laura everything.  She's the girl who came and found me in the grass.  So she's completely updated on this whole thing.

Wow...guess who just texted me?!  Yup.  The guy from last night.  Saying he's "sad we didn't really chill out last night"  Ugh!!!  What am I supposed to say to that?!!  Sometimes life just sucks.  And by sometimes I mean all the time.  Whatever.  I'll end this post here now that I've officially bored whoever is reading this.  I'll try to post later tonight but if not I'll post tomorrow.

On a brighter note, I haven't eaten anything today either so far!  And it's already 1:25pm.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

At Least I'm Losing


Yup, that's my weight as of this afternoon.  I can't believe I let myself get so fat...  Just a few months ago I was down to 117!!  But, then again, a few weeks ago I was 140.  That was the tipping point for me.  I knew I had to get rid of the fat and see my beautiful, skinny self again.  And I will go above and beyond!!

I've been skipping meals like crazy.  I forgot how easy it was to trick people and lie your way out of meals.  But now that I'm back on track it's like second nature to me.  I'm hoping for a fast day tomorrow, shouldn't be hard at all.  I'm supposed to go shopping with a friend (to her: oh sorry, ate lunch before we left.  to my mom: oh yea, I totally ate with Laura while shopping!)  And then at dinner time, suddenly my stomach just doesn't feel right and I don't wanna eat.  Sounds perfect to me :D

I go back up to college on Monday and I'm hoping to start the ABC diet at the same time.  I'm getting rid of my meal plan and cooking all my own meals.  Getting rid of all my excuses for breaking the diet.  Can't feel bad about wasting the money I spent on a meal plan. can't ignore counting calories since I'll be making my own meals.  This needs to work!

Now for some personal information:
There is this guy that I've hooked up with a few times (no sex, just other things).  Well, he's had a girlfriend for the past few months so we haven't done anything (I'm absolutely opposed to cheating!!).  But I just found out yesterday that him and his girlfriend broke up.  I was inwardly excited about the news but wasn't gonna do anything about it, I don't want people thinking I'm a slut or anything.  So guess who contacted me today?  Yup.  He did.  He says he wants to hang out before we both go back to school, and we all know what that means.  I'm not going to go out of my way to see him but if I do end up hanging out with him I know we'll end up hooking up.  Just not sure how far we'll go (absolutely no sex though!!)  I don't wanna seem like a slut but...he makes me feel so comfortable with myself.  Like someone can like me just the way I am.  Though it has the opposite effect that you would expect.  I don't get a burst of self-confidence that suppresses my ana urges.  I get a burst of self-confidence that encourages my ana urges.  Suddenly I get the power to lose weight and a mind set full of power and strength.  And I LOVE that feeling!

So that's where I am at the moment...  I'm gonna try writing on this blog more and get back into the game.  But in this game, higher numbers don't make the winner.  The lower, the better!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Two Pound Loss!!

and couldn't be more confused...


I should be ecstatic, right?  Idk...I'm really happy about the weight loss and definitely plan to continue down this road.  But at the same time, something's just not right.  I feel completely empty and alone inside. I feel like I'm going crazy...or maybe I've just always been crazy.  Whatever it is, I don't really feel like talking about it right now.  So this is a short entry.  Maybe I'll explain more tomorrow.

Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (33)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (33)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 6

Saturday, May 28, 2011

No weight lost...


Still...  Well at least I didn't gain.  And I hardly ate anything today which is great :D

- Nothing
- 1/2 cup of angel hair pasta
- 1 apple
- Nothing
Snacks throughout the day
- Handful of carrots

And I'm not really that hungry!  I'm pretty proud of myself.  I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to do the same.  Today my parents went out on the boat and my brother and I didn't feel like going so we stayed home.  I made two cups of green tea in the morning so my mom didn't ask about breakfast.  Then they were gone for lunch so that was easy to not eat much.  I decided to eat my daily apple during lunch.  Then during dinner time I was babysitting so I just told my parents I ate there.  Tomorrow my parents are going out on the boat again so there's an opportunity to skip lunch.

I'm still disappointed though.  I completely forgot about walking/biking.  I ran errands with my brother today and then when I got back from babysitting my mom was getting ready to go to sleep so I couldn't use the treadmill in her room and it's too dark to go outside.  I know, no excuses.  If I don't way 134 tomorrow I'll know why!  How stupid of me...  Even if I did do everything else.  I also have yet to do any swimming exercises this week.  Maybe I'll just start those next week since tomorrow is the last day (I'm counting Monday-Sunday as a week no Sunday-Saturday).

The facebook idea is amazing.  I'm so glad I decided to make one.  I friended a bunch of other ana's and I've talked to a few of them and they are really great.  It helps to get my story out there and hear other's stories.  I spoke to a girl today who didn't realize this sort of thing could happen by accident.  Well that's definitely the way it was for me.  It started with me forgetting to eat dinner before rehearsals and then when rehearsal would end everywhere on campus was closed.  Slowly it just escalated without me realizing it until I was fully immersed.  It's crazy how something like that can just take over your life without you realizing.  And by the time you notice it has become a comfort to you that you can't let go of.  It becomes a part of you..

Check List:
Check scale
Morning crunches (30)
Walk/bike at least 2 miles
Eat one apple
Evening crunches (30)
No soda
No red meat 
No eating after 8:00pm
No fast food
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 4

Friday, May 27, 2011

With The Weight of a Whale, I'll End Up Stranded...

But with the lightness of a feather, I'll float through the air


So that's where I am today....the number is huge!!  It needs to come down...and it will.  That's a promise.

Today was alright.  Not exactly proud of all I ate...

- 1 cup frosted flakes
- Turkey sandwich with provolone cheese
- Peach
- Equivalent to 1 slice of thin crust pizza
- Salad with carrots, celery, walnuts, cranberries, and a little Italian dressing
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 3 crackers

That's just disgusting...  I need to eat waaay less than that if I'm going to lose all the fat clinging to my body.

So I made a facebook yesterday.  That way I can be friends with other ana's who have made facebooks and we can just express our thoughts and feelings to each other through that.  Completely separate from our other facebooks so that no one else knows.  It's like an escape.  Definitely wonderful to have a place to go where others are there waiting and willing to share their stories and who are there to help out in whatever way they can.  So far I haven't really talked to anyone, but I'm hoping to make a few friends given some time.  I've also started a weight loss tracking picture album.  I'm going to take a picture every friday to track my weight loss progress.  I'm hoping to see changes!!

I'm not adding anything to the check list but I'm altering it slightly.  I'm making it walk/bike for at least 2 miles instead of just walk.  That way I have more options and am more likely to keep it up.  Plus, I'm more likely to go farther on a bike.  Which is what I did today :D  My mom and I rode to the library today which is over 3 miles round trip.

Check List:
Check scale
Morning crunches (27)
Walk/bike at least 2 miles
Eat one apple
Evening crunches (27)
No soda
No red meat 
No eating after 8:00pm
No fast food
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 2 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

One Day Down, A Lifetime Still To Go

I feel incredibly stupid and weak, yet at the same time it wasn't a horrible day.  I had the perfect opportunity to skip out on dinner and, like a complete idiot, I ate anyway.  No one was even with me!!  Except my brother but it would have been so easy to push food around and then throw it away once we left.  I mean, come on!!  We were watching The Office the whole time it's not like he was paying any attention.  Oh well...hindsight is always 20/20.

Meals for the day:
- Nothing
- Grilled chicken salad with corn, black beans, peppers, tomato, and oil/vinegar 
- Tomato basil soup
- 1/3 original chop-chop from Chicken Kitchen (white rice, chicken, pita bread)
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 10 crackers with brie

Wow...putting it in writing seems like so much more food than I original thought.  I'll do better tomorrow.  I have to if I'm going to lose any weight.  The woman that I nanny for made us lunch again.  I think tomorrow will be the last day of that, unless she comes home to eat lunch...in which case there is no way I'm ever getting out of lunch this summer except for weekends and days that I have off.  Dinner will have to be my skipped meal.  We'll just have to wait and see.

My mom went out with some friends to the movies tonight so she didn't go on a walk with me.  I was going to bike ride to my friends house instead (that definitely would have taken care of the two miles and more) but she was working so I went on the treadmill instead.  I alternated power walking and jogging so I feel pretty good about it!  Plus I got both sets of crunches in.  I probably should have gone swimming but didn't think about till later and I like to go to bed around 10:00pm on nights when I have work the next morning since I have to wake up at 7:00am.  I pretty much have my night routine scheduled from 8:00pm-10:00pm so remembering at 7:45pm that I should go swimming doesn't do me much good.  I need more than 15 minutes.  But that's besides the point.

I feel incredibly full right now and don't even want to think about eating.  I'm drinking tons of water throughout the day which helps keep me full plus water is great for you!  And the more water you drink, the less water you retain which helps prevent the build up of water weight.

I'm adding another item to my check list.  I want to weigh myself every morning to keep track of my progress.  I will start each entry with that number.  I decided to add this about two hours ago so I didn't do it this morning but I will tomorrow.  I've also decided that until I hit 130 I am not allowed to take baths or long showers.  I will reward myself once I've hit 130.  Then, of course, that privilege will be taken away till I hit 125 and so on till I reach 115 :D  For now that is my ultimate goal weight.  But I'm setting my sights on something closer first: 130

Check List:
- Check scale
Morning crunches (24)
Walk at least 2 miles
Eat one apple
Evening crunches (24)
No soda
No red meat 
No eating after 8:00pm
No fast food
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 2 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Fresh Start

Yes.  Summer will be my fresh start.  I am starting a new diet/exercise plan.

- Walk at least 2 miles everyday, even when I am tired
- Do crunches every morning, no matter what, increasing by 3 everyday
- Do crunches every night, no matter what, doing the same amount as the morning
- Eat one apple a day (supposedly it's a negative calorie food.  either way it's healthy)
- As always, skip out on meals whenever possible (breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner)
- Do swimming exercises at least 3 times a week

Do Not's:
- No drinking soda
- No eating red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No eating fast food

Both lists will be increasing as time passes.  My family knows about some of them (obviously not all of them).  As I add things I will update you.  I just needed a set list of rules to start off with to ensure that I have something to go by.

Today was good :D  My family had burgers (red meat = not okay) so I had Simply Harvest Chicken and Rice Soup and a salad.  I also went for a walk with my mom (she is doing the walks with me, we will hopefully change that to jogging in the near future).  I did 21 crunches tonight so I will be doing 24 tomorrow.

I will also report my progress everyday so that I can ensure I have motivation not to slack off.  The things that I accomplish I will write in pink (my favorite color) and the things that don't accomplish I will write in red and bold them so that they really stand out.

Check List:
- Walk at least 2 miles
- Morning crunches
- Evening crunches
- Eat one apple
- No soda
- No red meat 
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 1
       (Tally's started today so anything accomplished earlier in the week does not count)

I'm doing okay.  We'll see how everything goes.  I weighed myself today and I'm at 137.  That number needs to go DOWN!!!  This diet will be my savior...once again I will have order in my life.  Once again I will be in control.  And this time, I WILL be beautiful.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Nothing So Far

Every time I have thoughts of going back to my old habits, something makes me think "maybe tomorrow." Usually it's because I am guilted into eating something.  At my new nanny job, the woman I work for makes us both lunch.  So getting out of lunch is basically impossible.  Although she goes back to work next week and I should be on my own.  Meaning I will be drinking tea for lunch.  And lately my family has been eating dinner together every night and trying to get out of it yesterday didn't work.  Sooo I need to do some hardcore trying this time to escape meals.  We'll see how it goes.

My mom and I have started going for a walk every evening so that should help shed a little weight.  Although that's not enough so I'm starting to do some pool exercises as well.  Honestly I just need to lose weight anyway possible.  I can just feel the fat hanging from my body and it makes me sick.  I wish I could just peel it all off.

I just finished reading a book called Second Start to the Right.  It's about an anorexic 14-year-old.  She's 5 years younger than me but I find myself thinking very similar thoughts and it was an interesting read.  Also an easy read, I read it in a day.  I have another book on hold at the library about anorexia.  It's called Wasted.  I'm interested in reading that as well.

I'll keep you posted on everything that's going on :D  I hope to be on here more often.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Summer Time

Well it's summer!  And I haven't been on here in forever.  I've been doing incredibly well (getting over this obsession with restricted eating).  But now that I'm home for the summer I'm wondering what's going to happen.  Part of me just wants to slip back to how it was over winter break, it would be incredibly easy.  I just got a nanny job so I'd be gone from home till about 5:00pm so skipping out on breakfast and lunch would be simple, I could get by with just dinner.  Occasionally skipping that as well.

But, of course, that's dangerous.  But who knows where my life will end up going, what my eating habits will be.  I need to lose weight, as my mother keeps reminding me.  I'm at 135...highest I've ever been.  Not good.  She wants to start exercising with me so maybe that will be enough.  But, then again, maybe not.

And I'm not sure how safe this blog is anyway.  I know for a fact that two people back at school found out about it (my big and my roommate).  So they could be reading this right now.  At the same time they could have forgotten about it, or assumed I'm not updating it anymore since I haven't been on for so long.

Oh well, I'm going to keep updating it anyway and take my chances.  I need to get my thoughts out anyway and I don't feel like creating a new blog.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gym :D

I went to the gym this morning!!  I am definitely going every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday before class.  I feel so good after I work out!  I burned 376 calories today :D  I'm not sure what I can say on here, it's weird that I have to watch what I write because my big might read it at any point.  I could always start a new blog.  But how long before she found that one?  Better just stick with this one and watch what I'm writing.

I also think I'm going to start walking at night on Tuesdays and Thursdays with my big and my roommate. I would go to the gym but I don't want to wake up super early.  But I still need to do some sort of exercise to burn off what I can.  Every calorie counts.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Not So Secret...

I went to dinner the other night with my big and some people that I know from theatre.  I got a salad (which was actually very good) so I felt fine with going out.  Then, after eating the salad, I had a couple of onion rings and half of a chicken zinger.  After that I started feeling pretty guilty about eating and what I had eaten.  I was also in kind of a depressed mood (there's a shock) after rehearsal and for some reason was getting really irritated.  So, I decided to go to the bathroom and throw up.  Normally I wouldn't actually want to since I really didn't eat that much but it was a mixture of eating and feeling upset and irritated that made me want to do it.  I got to the bathroom, pulled back my hair, and stuck my finger down my throat.  But right when that happened I heard some lady walk into the bathroom.  I did NOT want to throw up with her there so I was going to wait until she left.  But, before she did, my big walked in to the bathroom and called my name.  I knew she suspected what I was attempting to do and there was no way I was going to get away with her leaving before me so I had to abandon my attempts and just deal with it.  

After dinner, I drove everyone back to their dorms and then went to back to the sorority house (where my big and I both live).  Well, we were on our way back and she brings up the topic of me eating.  I wasn't the least bit surprised.  We ended up sitting in the parking lot for a few hours talking about it.  She is really one of the most amazing people I know and she knows how to talk to me about these things.  I don't know if she realizes that or not.  She was talking to me about how she is trying a new tactic of talking to me instead of what she did last semester (force me to eat) and how she wants me to go talk to Cheryl, who was the councilor I saw twice last semester.  I told her I was not going to go to Cheryl and she said I need to talk to someone, even if it's not her.  Her roommates big is anorexic as well and she wants me to talk to her and/or to one of the people she talked to while she was here.  I highly doubt I'm going to, I don't think I need to, but whatever.  

Anyway, we were talking and I was crying and she kept saying she knows that I know I have a problem even if I won't admit it.  Then she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of an extreme anorexic to say that's not the person I am and whatever.  I wasn't really shocked by the picture, I've seen much worse, but I wasn't impressed either.  She was too skinny, I don't want to look like her, but somewhere in between her and me.  Anyway, then she looked back at her phone and showed me something else.  I was completely taken off guard by what she showed me.  This blog...

She found it by searching her computer and mine.  At that moment I couldn't help myself and I started bawling.  I felt shocked, upset, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, betrayed....so many emotions and I couldn't take it.  Am I mad at her?  No.  Was I angry with her?  No.  Does that mean I'm happy about it? No.  So she may be reading this right now, but I don't care.  Let her read it.  All this blog does is express how I feel about things.

So yesterday was a strange day...it was the day after all this happened.  I ate two meals (lunch and dinner) without too much conflict in my head.  But all day I was just in a strange mood and I felt sort of out-of-it.  It's weird to think she read something I thought no one would ever read.  It's strange to think she knows more than I would feel comfortable telling her in person.  It's weird to think she's known about this blog for a while I never knew it.  And yet it's comforting to know she cares...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It's Been a While!

I haven't been on here in a while...things up at school are just complicated.  My big is really on top of my eating, but I've recently discovered how easy it is for me to skip out on lunch.  So I'm going to do that as often as possible.  I may also be able to get out of dinner tonight but I'm not sure.  My new goal is to liquid fast for as long as I can get away with it.  I'm not going to assume I'll be able to go for long though.  I'm not restricting it to water because I'm in the middle of rehearsing for a play called Big Love which is pretty physical.  So I need some sort of nutrients to keep me from fainting.

I still don't have a scale up here so I have no idea where my weight is...which is pretty frustrating.  But my schedule is super busy so I'm constantly on the move.  That's all for now, I just wanted to write a quick update.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Back at school...

Yup!  Back at college.  Wonderful...  I'm so excited to be here because I've missed everyone tremendously but I'm nervous I'm not going to lose any more or weight, or worse...that I'll gain!  I've already gained 3 lbs and am now at 120 since I last weighed myself.  I'm extremely disappointed.  I'll just have to see how school goes.  I don't have a scale up here which is going to be a problem and I am going to have to invest in one.

Anyway, I have a lot to do before I start classes tomorrow so I've got to go.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I don't know what's going on in my mind.  I was thinking of fasting today, or at least keeping my eating to an absolute minimum after yesterday.  And I did well until around 5.  I ate half of a brownie.  Then my mom ordered Dominoe's pizza for dinner and I had 3 slices of cheese pizza.  Then later on I had a 100 calorie ice cream bar.  And then some gummi worms.  The weirdest part?  I don't really feel guilty about it...I feel just like I did before this whole anorexia thing started.  But I'm also super nervous about what's going to happen when I step on the scale tomorrow.

I think I just need to take a break for a few days and figure out what's going on in my head.  I think it has a lot to do with me preparing to go back up to college on Monday, it's messing with my head.

Horrible day!! (ABC Diet - Day 5)

I tried to post this last night but for some reason this site wasn't letting me.

Yesterday was awful...I completely lost it.  I just felt like crying.  What was I thinking?!

I was doing so well until the Outback thing; we ended up going.  That was my first mistake.  So, we went to Outback and, of course, my dad orders the Bloomen Onion...and I had some of it.  Not too much but I felt disgusting afterwards anyway.  Then I had half a piece of grilled chicken and half a serving of garlic mashed potatoes.  I was upset that I clearly went over my 100 calories but was semi proud that I didn't eat everything.  Still it was not acceptable.

But it doesn't stop there!  We get home and my dog had peed in the house and my mom was upset.  So I decided to make her some brownies to make her feel better.  My brother and I got her an all edges brownie pan for Christmas so I decided to try it out.  I wasn't planning on eating any of the brownies but somehow I managed to eat a whole one plus a glass of milk!  The best part?  I don't even like chocolate!!  Ughhh!!!  So that's the end, right?  Wrong!  I had a serving of gummi worms (110 cals), a peanut butter and jelly wrap on an 80 cal flour tortilla, a plain flour tortilla, and a glass of Arizona iced tea.  How disgusting is that?!!  that is sooo much food!!!  And I couldn't even stop myself, no matter how hard I tried.  I am beyond disgusted with myself...

And then I just had to do it...I  had to get the food out of me.  I was uncomfortably full and could just feel myself getting fatter the more I let the food sit inside my stomach.  So I went to the bathroom, turned the sink on to cover but the noise, bent over the toilet, and shoved a finger down my throat...Problem?  Nothing happens...I had never purged before.  So I decided to get in the shower and try harder.  And it worked.  Of course I didn't get it all out, but I got some of it out.  I still felt disgusted though...I cannot believe I let myself eat so much food.

So now it's the morning and I need to stay a way from food!  I'm not sure if I'm fasting today or what.  It's supposed to be a 200 cal day but how can I let myself eat anything after last night?  On the bright side, I haven't gained any weight.  I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning.  I was terrified that my binge was going to cost me.  Of course I'm upset that I haven't lost anything since Monday (it's been 3 days!!!) but it's better than gaining...
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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