Sunday, January 29, 2012

This is so frustrating!  I know that I'm losing weight.  I can feel it!  I feel emptier and lighter.  But I can't weigh out my progress!!  I seriously need to go buy a replacement scale and just keep it hidden.  Because I can't take all of this not knowing.

Erica brought up e-mailing the school councilor today.  She says we can start there so my mom doesn't need to find out yet.  I said yes to pacify her but we never sat down to compare schedules and set a time.  Looks like this "weight at most 125 before meeting with someone" thing is going to be easier than anticipated.  I'm hoping I'll be down to 120 by then but, like I've said before, I have no idea when that is going to be so I don't want to be completely unrealistic.

I'm starting to get hungry...  I've had 420 cals today and I would like to stop there.  Megg and Erica want to go to Taco Bell but there is absolutely NO way I will be eating that!!  If I do eat something it will be green beans.  I've already decided.  They are 40 cals per cup and are much safer to eat (especially at 10 o'clock at night) than anything I would get at Taco Bell!  Unless I get a Fresco Chicken Soft Taco (150 cals) or their Mexican Style Rice side (120 cals).  But I'm trying to avoid that situation all together.  It's just nice to know there are safe options incase I'm forced to eat something.  You never know...  Especially now that Megg and Erica know.  I feel like it's the situation with my Big all over again.  Though my Big was a lot more forceful and angry about the situation.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Finally Some Release!!

I've been going absolutely insane without my x-acto knife and scale.  And tonight I just couldn't take it anymore.  I was seriously shaking from so much pent up anxiety.  I took a shower to try and calm myself but that made it worse.  I was hysterical...then I remembered I have a glass scraping tool my mom bought me freshman year so I pulled out a new blade for it and cut...  It felt unbelievably relaxing.  Suddenly, all the anxiety and hysteria went away.  With one cut I stopped crying, with another I stopped shaking, with another my heart rate started slowing down again.  I cut until I felt normal.  Now I have to be extra careful around Erica and Megg.  Under NO circumstances can they find out!!

All of my friends went out of them just called me and I ignored it cause I know she's gonna try to get me to go out.  And I really don't want to.  I'm exhausted...worn out...ready for bed.  If I could go to sleep now and never wake up I would.

I know this post has no details and I apologize for that.  I'm not too exhausted to go into anything.  Maybe I'll feel up to it tomorrow.  But, then again, maybe not.  One thing I will say though is that I've decided not to bring up any steps towards recovery to anyone.  If they bring it up I'll take it from there.  But, as far as I'm concerned, the subject has been dropped and I'm not ready for it.
We haven't gotten our rehearsal schedules yet.  The Director told us that since the cast is so big it's going to take her a few more days to get all the conflicts accounted for.  Good news for me!  This means it's going to be a while before Erica e-mails the psych professor.  She asked me about it today and when I told her I didn't have the schedule she said we'd go ahead and e-mail him anyway but that didn't happen.  So another day has passed of me (hopefully) losing weight.  Two people have asked about the bandaid on my wrist...once it was just her and me and the other time I was in a group of people.  I just told them I hurt myself moving into my room.  The believed it.  But my face was beat red when I was asked in the group.  I was so embarrassed and wanted to end the conversation...

I told Erica and Megg about the situations.  And Erica looked at the bandaid I put on my upper arm (I took my sweater off around her because she already knows, there's no point in hiding it) and she asked if I had cut again.  I hadn't!  She just thought she remembered the cut being up hire.  So now I know if I do cut again I'm going to have to be extremely careful about hiding it.  Cause Erica and Megg will be on my jock and probably won't let me even sleep alone if they find out.  Not that I have my usual cutting tool... Though I'm kind of thinking of buying one.  Or just using my razor or some scissors.  If Erica doesn't plan on giving me my scale back I think I'm gonna go buy another one, so I might as well buy a new x-acto knife while I'm at it.  Though Megg made it clear that if I do buy a new scale she'd take it away.  So I'd have to be sure to hide that too.  

Today I was able to step on a scale!  I went over to my friends' apartment and they have a scale in their bathroom.  So it was definitely off ritualistically.  I had to keep all my clothes on (had to make it fast), and it was just after I'd eaten dinner with them (some pasta salad and a coke zero).  Results?  132.7.  So I'm hoping that means I'm at least 131 or something!  Goodness...I really wish I had my scale...and my x-acto knife.  I just feel so anxious without them around.  They have both been a huge part of my life and I feel so lost without them.  So I need to either get them back someway or replace them.  Because living without them is just not an option right now.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I realized my post last night had a lot of information...  I apologize for making it so long but I had a lot to get off my chest.  Thank you to Judith Marie and Christina for their supportive comments.  It really means a lot to have people out there.

So I don't know if I'm ready for counseling and recovery.  The only thing I can think of is how much weight I still need to lose.  I've been down to 117 and I want to be there again!  I don't know if I'm ready to give that goal up and go to therapy.  I don't believe I'm even to the point where therapy is necessary.  Everything is fine.

But then again...if Erica and Megg both think I need help, maybe I'm missing something.  I just don't know what to do...  Why is this decision so hard to make?  I'm not underweight.  I weigh too much.  There's no way a psychologist/therapist/whoever would take me seriously.  I would understand if I looked too thin or weighed much less than I do now.  Maybe then therapy and counseling would make sense.  But right now I'm just not sure I need it.

Erica hasn't talked to her psychology professor again yet.  She is waiting for me to let her know what my rehearsal schedule is (we find out today) so she can e-mail him letting him know the days/times I'm available.  I'd like to be down to 125 by the time I meet with him though that's not gonna happen.  That doesn't give me much time to lose all that weight.  I'm not even sure how much weight that is since Erica took my scale and put it in the back of her car so I couldn't be tempted to step on it.  I really want it back...  Looks like I'm gonna fast as much as possible.  And when I do it I need to know exactly how many calories it is so I don't get out of control.  I'm also not sure how much time that gives me.  My guess is she'll e-mail him tomorrow and he'll get back to her letting her know when we should meet.  For all I know that could be Thursday.  Which only gives me two days.  So I guess that's not gonna happen...  The last time I went to a counselor was here at school and I weighed 125 on our second visit.  She weighed me...  I then dropped 8 lbs but I never went to see her again.  Then I gained a shit ton of weight and ended up at 140lb!!!  That is absolutely not acceptable.  I never want to weigh that much again.  Now I fluctuate between 130 and 135.  I'm hoping I'm towards the lower end of that right now and that I continue to lose weight till I'm back to 125.  And then ultimately I'd like to be 115 and stay there.

I mind is all over the place so I apologize if this post seems scattered and disorganized.  It's just a lot for me to handle right now.  I will definitely keep you all updated with this whole thing.  I have a feeling a lot of these posts will be me trying to figure out what I want to do.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A Secret Revealed

The secret I've kept for so long.  The information that was all mine.  The comforting thought that I had secrets no one else knew.  Gone.  The night I cut myself last (Thursday..four days ago) my apartment mate found out.  We live in one of the apartments on campus.  The way the apartment is set up you walk into the open kitchen/living room area and on either side there is a bathroom and two bedrooms.  My friend Megg lives on my side with me.  We just moved in to the apartment this semester and we don't know the other two girls incredibly well.  But that's not important.  Megg and I had gone out to a club with our close group of friends and things got really hectic towards the end.  Well when we got back Megg was on the phone crying because her ex-boyfriends close friend was there and basically made her feel like shit.  Well, that's when I did the excessive cutting.

One, neat, bloody line on my left wrist, another to the inside of my right heal.  Two more parallel cuts to my left upper arm, their duplicates on my right inner thigh.  Three long, deep slices to my right hip.  Stop.  Blood dripping down my body, comforting me in ways words can't seem to.  Speaking to me louder than anyone could yell.  The release.  The relief.  Then the clean up.  Grabbing tissues to mop the blood from my wounds.  Snatching more to wipe the counter, the floor, the sink...  Dabbing at the craters I've left in my skin.  No evidence can be left behind...  No one can know...  
The blood starts to subside.  The bleeding has stopped for the most part.  Drearily I walk to my bedroom. Who knew releasing that stress could be so exhausting.  I lay on the bed and listen...I can hear my apartment mate still on the phone.  Grab the blanket at the edge of my bed, too exhausted to get under the covers.  I curl up in a ball, bury myself in the fuzzy pink  blanket, and wait.  My intention is to comfort Megg when she's off the phone.  She needs my help.  But slowly, my eyes can't hold themselves open any longer.  Slowly my mind is drifting towards dreaming.  Slowly, I succumb to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I realized my light was off.  Did I do that the night before...I don't think so.  Shit...  That means Megg did.  That means she may have seen...

Well it turns out she did.  More importantly, she wasn't the only one who knew.  Or at least suspected.  But before I get to talking about Megg, I need to talk about Erica.  After all I'm trying to go in order.

Saturday night my friends and I went out again, this time to a friends house to drink and hang out.  We were having a great time and I didn't realize how much I was drinking.  And, keeping in mind I haven't been eating much throughout the day, I got really drunk quicker than I anticipated.  I didn't mean to get that drunk to begin with...  We played a couple drinking games and I met this guy Jerry who seemed really nice and he was funny and attractive.  Well, we ended up getting into the back of his truck and things got out of hand.  Now I don't consider myself to be a slutty person, I don't get drunk and hook up with guys all the time.  It's just not who I am.  And basically the farthest I'd gone before this night was making out.  Well...I'm extremely ashamed to admit it but I ended up giving him a blow job.  I felt incredibly disgusting afterwards.  I texted Erica (one of the girls I went out with) that I wanted to get out of the car and go home.  And Jerry wouldn't let me leave.  He kept grabbing me and pulling back.  I was petrified he was going to try and rape me.  He kept saying he wanted to "fuck me" and he wished we had a condom.  But finally I was able to get out of the car and we drove back to my apartment.  That's when Erica and I had a heart to heart.  She was once an anorexic and she's really open about it.  Well she had pretty much figured out that I'm in that position too.  Though I hate calling myself an anorexic because it seems so weird and foreign of a concept...  But we talked a lot about that and then she asked if she could bring up another sensitive subject.  I said of course.  And she brought up the cutting...  She said she had a feeling that I did but wasn't completely sure.  And that's when she said I needed counseling.

Fast forward to the next day.  We talked a little bit more about the benefits and necessities of counseling. And I agreed that I think I need it.  But at the same time I told her I don't particularly want to go.  So she said she would talk to her psychology professor to see if he could recommend someone and we'd take things from there.  Erica and I also talked about how I should talk to Megg about it, especially since we're living together.

Now, Megg has a history of cutting herself and she's talked to me before about how she used to but is over it now and everything.  So, even though it was incredibly difficult for me to bring it up to her, I knew she would understand.  I asked her if she had noticed the night I fell asleep and she came in to turn off my light.  "Yes I did...I just didn't know how to bring it up to you."  She had seen the three cuts on my arm but wasn't sure how to bring it up to me.  So I told her about the others and about the conversation I had with Erica.  We stayed up for hours talking about our lives and everything.  And she thinks it would be good for me to go to counseling.

And now we're up to present day.  Erica spoke to her psychology professor today and he thinks I need more help than the school counseling center can provide.  Alarms start to go off in my head as she says this.  Other counseling centers would need to go through my insurance, I can't afford them on my own.  And going through insurance means telling my parents everything...which is exactly what Erica's psychology professor wants me to do.  He wants me to tell my parents everything.  The eating disorder, the cutting, all of it.  I'm petrified!  I can't go to them.  How will they react?  What if they yell?  What if they disown me?  What if they don't care at all...

I've agreed to start taking the necessary steps to get help.  So here's where I'm at now:
Step 1: meet with the psychology professor.  Erica said she'd go with me to talk to her professor about everything.  Filling him in on details so he can better understand and help me figure out the situation.  I can do this step.  And at any point that I decide I'm not ready to reach out for more help, I know Erica will respect it.  She told me I can do this at my own pace because she knows you have to be ready for recovery for this to help.

The psychology professor also told Erica that if I don't want to go to my parents by myself he'd be happy and willing to help me with it.  To call them and talk with them about the situation first so I don't have to do it alone.  But I'm not at that step yet.  I'm still in the beginning stages.  I've put it out there and now need to take everything slowly.  So I'll set up a meeting with the psychology professor and talk to him.  I'm not thinking about anything after that.  I don't know if I'm ready for anything after that...

Friday, January 20, 2012

Slowly, hands trembling, I stepped toward the instrument that has been controlling my life.  Would it bring good news today?  Or attack me with large, heavy numbers . . leaving me crumpled and useless on the floor . .  With a deep breath I step my right foot on, followed by the left.  I close my eyes and exhale.  Finally I've worked up enough courage to stare down at the numbers.  132.4 stares up at me.  I've seen lower, much lower.  But what great news!  I step off the scale with a sense of accomplishment and hop in the shower.  Pain sears through my wrist, my forearm, my thigh, my hip . .  Blatant reminders that I cut last night.  Clearly I got carried away.  But who cares?  132.4.  I scrub away all the dirt and hurt from yesterday.  132.4.  I watch as blood and memories are sucked down the drain.  132.4.  Feeling successfully clean I shut the water off and step out of the shower.  130....what?  132.4?  Better check again, that can't be right!  No way I've dropped two pounds.  Time to step on the scale again.  Right foot.  Left foot.  132.2.  A change...don't know which is right.  Stupid scale.  Better stick with 132.4.  132.4.  132.4.  Step off the scale, grab my towel, head to my room to get dressed.  Long sleeves and jeans of course.  Cover the scars, cover the bruises, cover the fat.  And now I can start my day . .

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Back At School

Well, with all the traveling I did at the end of December and beginning of January I had no time to write.  Not to mention I didn't have internet.  But now I'm back at school, all unpacked, and officially started classes today.

Haven't lost much weight recently...I gained a few pounds over the Holidays which was super irritating and now I'm back to like 134.  The good thing though is that my group of friends are going through this healthy kick.  Which means they're all dieting and exercising more often.  So that helps a lot!!

So I just wanted to jump on here really quick but I don't have much time so I have to go.  I have auditions for the next play to go to and I'm pretty nervous.  We'll see how that goes!
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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