and couldn't be more confused...
133
I should be ecstatic, right? Idk...I'm really happy about the weight loss and definitely plan to continue down this road. But at the same time, something's just not right. I feel completely empty and alone inside. I feel like I'm going crazy...or maybe I've just always been crazy. Whatever it is, I don't really feel like talking about it right now. So this is a short entry. Maybe I'll explain more tomorrow.
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (33)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (33)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 6
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
No weight lost...
135
Still... Well at least I didn't gain. And I hardly ate anything today which is great :D
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- 1/2 cup of angel hair pasta
- 1 apple
Dinner
- Nothing
Snacks throughout the day
- Handful of carrots
And I'm not really that hungry! I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to do the same. Today my parents went out on the boat and my brother and I didn't feel like going so we stayed home. I made two cups of green tea in the morning so my mom didn't ask about breakfast. Then they were gone for lunch so that was easy to not eat much. I decided to eat my daily apple during lunch. Then during dinner time I was babysitting so I just told my parents I ate there. Tomorrow my parents are going out on the boat again so there's an opportunity to skip lunch.
I'm still disappointed though. I completely forgot about walking/biking. I ran errands with my brother today and then when I got back from babysitting my mom was getting ready to go to sleep so I couldn't use the treadmill in her room and it's too dark to go outside. I know, no excuses. If I don't way 134 tomorrow I'll know why! How stupid of me... Even if I did do everything else. I also have yet to do any swimming exercises this week. Maybe I'll just start those next week since tomorrow is the last day (I'm counting Monday-Sunday as a week no Sunday-Saturday).
The facebook idea is amazing. I'm so glad I decided to make one. I friended a bunch of other ana's and I've talked to a few of them and they are really great. It helps to get my story out there and hear other's stories. I spoke to a girl today who didn't realize this sort of thing could happen by accident. Well that's definitely the way it was for me. It started with me forgetting to eat dinner before rehearsals and then when rehearsal would end everywhere on campus was closed. Slowly it just escalated without me realizing it until I was fully immersed. It's crazy how something like that can just take over your life without you realizing. And by the time you notice it has become a comfort to you that you can't let go of. It becomes a part of you..
Check List:
Still... Well at least I didn't gain. And I hardly ate anything today which is great :D
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- 1/2 cup of angel hair pasta
- 1 apple
Dinner
- Nothing
Snacks throughout the day
- Handful of carrots
And I'm not really that hungry! I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to do the same. Today my parents went out on the boat and my brother and I didn't feel like going so we stayed home. I made two cups of green tea in the morning so my mom didn't ask about breakfast. Then they were gone for lunch so that was easy to not eat much. I decided to eat my daily apple during lunch. Then during dinner time I was babysitting so I just told my parents I ate there. Tomorrow my parents are going out on the boat again so there's an opportunity to skip lunch.
I'm still disappointed though. I completely forgot about walking/biking. I ran errands with my brother today and then when I got back from babysitting my mom was getting ready to go to sleep so I couldn't use the treadmill in her room and it's too dark to go outside. I know, no excuses. If I don't way 134 tomorrow I'll know why! How stupid of me... Even if I did do everything else. I also have yet to do any swimming exercises this week. Maybe I'll just start those next week since tomorrow is the last day (I'm counting Monday-Sunday as a week no Sunday-Saturday).
The facebook idea is amazing. I'm so glad I decided to make one. I friended a bunch of other ana's and I've talked to a few of them and they are really great. It helps to get my story out there and hear other's stories. I spoke to a girl today who didn't realize this sort of thing could happen by accident. Well that's definitely the way it was for me. It started with me forgetting to eat dinner before rehearsals and then when rehearsal would end everywhere on campus was closed. Slowly it just escalated without me realizing it until I was fully immersed. It's crazy how something like that can just take over your life without you realizing. And by the time you notice it has become a comfort to you that you can't let go of. It becomes a part of you..
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (30)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (30)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 4Friday, May 27, 2011
With The Weight of a Whale, I'll End Up Stranded...
But with the lightness of a feather, I'll float through the air
135
So that's where I am today....the number is huge!! It needs to come down...and it will. That's a promise.
Today was alright. Not exactly proud of all I ate...
Breakfast
- 1 cup frosted flakes
Lunch
- Turkey sandwich with provolone cheese
- Peach
Dinner
- Equivalent to 1 slice of thin crust pizza
- Salad with carrots, celery, walnuts, cranberries, and a little Italian dressing
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 3 crackers
That's just disgusting... I need to eat waaay less than that if I'm going to lose all the fat clinging to my body.
So I made a facebook yesterday. That way I can be friends with other ana's who have made facebooks and we can just express our thoughts and feelings to each other through that. Completely separate from our other facebooks so that no one else knows. It's like an escape. Definitely wonderful to have a place to go where others are there waiting and willing to share their stories and who are there to help out in whatever way they can. So far I haven't really talked to anyone, but I'm hoping to make a few friends given some time. I've also started a weight loss tracking picture album. I'm going to take a picture every friday to track my weight loss progress. I'm hoping to see changes!!
I'm not adding anything to the check list but I'm altering it slightly. I'm making it walk/bike for at least 2 miles instead of just walk. That way I have more options and am more likely to keep it up. Plus, I'm more likely to go farther on a bike. Which is what I did today :D My mom and I rode to the library today which is over 3 miles round trip.
Check List:
135
So that's where I am today....the number is huge!! It needs to come down...and it will. That's a promise.
Today was alright. Not exactly proud of all I ate...
Breakfast
- 1 cup frosted flakes
Lunch
- Turkey sandwich with provolone cheese
- Peach
Dinner
- Equivalent to 1 slice of thin crust pizza
- Salad with carrots, celery, walnuts, cranberries, and a little Italian dressing
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 3 crackers
That's just disgusting... I need to eat waaay less than that if I'm going to lose all the fat clinging to my body.
So I made a facebook yesterday. That way I can be friends with other ana's who have made facebooks and we can just express our thoughts and feelings to each other through that. Completely separate from our other facebooks so that no one else knows. It's like an escape. Definitely wonderful to have a place to go where others are there waiting and willing to share their stories and who are there to help out in whatever way they can. So far I haven't really talked to anyone, but I'm hoping to make a few friends given some time. I've also started a weight loss tracking picture album. I'm going to take a picture every friday to track my weight loss progress. I'm hoping to see changes!!
I'm not adding anything to the check list but I'm altering it slightly. I'm making it walk/bike for at least 2 miles instead of just walk. That way I have more options and am more likely to keep it up. Plus, I'm more likely to go farther on a bike. Which is what I did today :D My mom and I rode to the library today which is over 3 miles round trip.
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (27)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (27)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 2 Thursday, May 26, 2011
One Day Down, A Lifetime Still To Go
I feel incredibly stupid and weak, yet at the same time it wasn't a horrible day. I had the perfect opportunity to skip out on dinner and, like a complete idiot, I ate anyway. No one was even with me!! Except my brother but it would have been so easy to push food around and then throw it away once we left. I mean, come on!! We were watching The Office the whole time it's not like he was paying any attention. Oh well...hindsight is always 20/20.
Meals for the day:
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- Grilled chicken salad with corn, black beans, peppers, tomato, and oil/vinegar
- Tomato basil soup
Dinner
- 1/3 original chop-chop from Chicken Kitchen (white rice, chicken, pita bread)
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 10 crackers with brie
Wow...putting it in writing seems like so much more food than I original thought. I'll do better tomorrow. I have to if I'm going to lose any weight. The woman that I nanny for made us lunch again. I think tomorrow will be the last day of that, unless she comes home to eat lunch...in which case there is no way I'm ever getting out of lunch this summer except for weekends and days that I have off. Dinner will have to be my skipped meal. We'll just have to wait and see.
My mom went out with some friends to the movies tonight so she didn't go on a walk with me. I was going to bike ride to my friends house instead (that definitely would have taken care of the two miles and more) but she was working so I went on the treadmill instead. I alternated power walking and jogging so I feel pretty good about it! Plus I got both sets of crunches in. I probably should have gone swimming but didn't think about till later and I like to go to bed around 10:00pm on nights when I have work the next morning since I have to wake up at 7:00am. I pretty much have my night routine scheduled from 8:00pm-10:00pm so remembering at 7:45pm that I should go swimming doesn't do me much good. I need more than 15 minutes. But that's besides the point.
I feel incredibly full right now and don't even want to think about eating. I'm drinking tons of water throughout the day which helps keep me full plus water is great for you! And the more water you drink, the less water you retain which helps prevent the build up of water weight.
I'm adding another item to my check list. I want to weigh myself every morning to keep track of my progress. I will start each entry with that number. I decided to add this about two hours ago so I didn't do it this morning but I will tomorrow. I've also decided that until I hit 130 I am not allowed to take baths or long showers. I will reward myself once I've hit 130. Then, of course, that privilege will be taken away till I hit 125 and so on till I reach 115 :D For now that is my ultimate goal weight. But I'm setting my sights on something closer first: 130
Check List:
Meals for the day:
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- Grilled chicken salad with corn, black beans, peppers, tomato, and oil/vinegar
- Tomato basil soup
Dinner
- 1/3 original chop-chop from Chicken Kitchen (white rice, chicken, pita bread)
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 10 crackers with brie
Wow...putting it in writing seems like so much more food than I original thought. I'll do better tomorrow. I have to if I'm going to lose any weight. The woman that I nanny for made us lunch again. I think tomorrow will be the last day of that, unless she comes home to eat lunch...in which case there is no way I'm ever getting out of lunch this summer except for weekends and days that I have off. Dinner will have to be my skipped meal. We'll just have to wait and see.
My mom went out with some friends to the movies tonight so she didn't go on a walk with me. I was going to bike ride to my friends house instead (that definitely would have taken care of the two miles and more) but she was working so I went on the treadmill instead. I alternated power walking and jogging so I feel pretty good about it! Plus I got both sets of crunches in. I probably should have gone swimming but didn't think about till later and I like to go to bed around 10:00pm on nights when I have work the next morning since I have to wake up at 7:00am. I pretty much have my night routine scheduled from 8:00pm-10:00pm so remembering at 7:45pm that I should go swimming doesn't do me much good. I need more than 15 minutes. But that's besides the point.
I feel incredibly full right now and don't even want to think about eating. I'm drinking tons of water throughout the day which helps keep me full plus water is great for you! And the more water you drink, the less water you retain which helps prevent the build up of water weight.
I'm adding another item to my check list. I want to weigh myself every morning to keep track of my progress. I will start each entry with that number. I decided to add this about two hours ago so I didn't do it this morning but I will tomorrow. I've also decided that until I hit 130 I am not allowed to take baths or long showers. I will reward myself once I've hit 130. Then, of course, that privilege will be taken away till I hit 125 and so on till I reach 115 :D For now that is my ultimate goal weight. But I'm setting my sights on something closer first: 130
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (24)
- Walk at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (24)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 2 Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Fresh Start
Yes. Summer will be my fresh start. I am starting a new diet/exercise plan.
Do's:
- Walk at least 2 miles everyday, even when I am tired
- Do crunches every morning, no matter what, increasing by 3 everyday
- Do crunches every night, no matter what, doing the same amount as the morning
- Eat one apple a day (supposedly it's a negative calorie food. either way it's healthy)
- As always, skip out on meals whenever possible (breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner)
- Do swimming exercises at least 3 times a week
Do Not's:
- No drinking soda
- No eating red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No eating fast food
Both lists will be increasing as time passes. My family knows about some of them (obviously not all of them). As I add things I will update you. I just needed a set list of rules to start off with to ensure that I have something to go by.
Today was good :D My family had burgers (red meat = not okay) so I had Simply Harvest Chicken and Rice Soup and a salad. I also went for a walk with my mom (she is doing the walks with me, we will hopefully change that to jogging in the near future). I did 21 crunches tonight so I will be doing 24 tomorrow.
I will also report my progress everyday so that I can ensure I have motivation not to slack off. The things that I accomplish I will write in pink (my favorite color) and the things that don't accomplish I will write in red and bold them so that they really stand out.
Check List:
Do's:
- Walk at least 2 miles everyday, even when I am tired
- Do crunches every morning, no matter what, increasing by 3 everyday
- Do crunches every night, no matter what, doing the same amount as the morning
- Eat one apple a day (supposedly it's a negative calorie food. either way it's healthy)
- As always, skip out on meals whenever possible (breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner)
- Do swimming exercises at least 3 times a week
Do Not's:
- No drinking soda
- No eating red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No eating fast food
Both lists will be increasing as time passes. My family knows about some of them (obviously not all of them). As I add things I will update you. I just needed a set list of rules to start off with to ensure that I have something to go by.
Today was good :D My family had burgers (red meat = not okay) so I had Simply Harvest Chicken and Rice Soup and a salad. I also went for a walk with my mom (she is doing the walks with me, we will hopefully change that to jogging in the near future). I did 21 crunches tonight so I will be doing 24 tomorrow.
I will also report my progress everyday so that I can ensure I have motivation not to slack off. The things that I accomplish I will write in pink (my favorite color) and the things that don't accomplish I will write in red and bold them so that they really stand out.
Check List:
- Walk at least 2 miles
- Morning crunches
- Evening crunches
- Eat one apple
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 1
(Tally's started today so anything accomplished earlier in the week does not count)
I'm doing okay. We'll see how everything goes. I weighed myself today and I'm at 137. That number needs to go DOWN!!! This diet will be my savior...once again I will have order in my life. Once again I will be in control. And this time, I WILL be beautiful.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Nothing So Far
Every time I have thoughts of going back to my old habits, something makes me think "maybe tomorrow." Usually it's because I am guilted into eating something. At my new nanny job, the woman I work for makes us both lunch. So getting out of lunch is basically impossible. Although she goes back to work next week and I should be on my own. Meaning I will be drinking tea for lunch. And lately my family has been eating dinner together every night and trying to get out of it yesterday didn't work. Sooo I need to do some hardcore trying this time to escape meals. We'll see how it goes.
My mom and I have started going for a walk every evening so that should help shed a little weight. Although that's not enough so I'm starting to do some pool exercises as well. Honestly I just need to lose weight anyway possible. I can just feel the fat hanging from my body and it makes me sick. I wish I could just peel it all off.
I just finished reading a book called Second Start to the Right. It's about an anorexic 14-year-old. She's 5 years younger than me but I find myself thinking very similar thoughts and it was an interesting read. Also an easy read, I read it in a day. I have another book on hold at the library about anorexia. It's called Wasted. I'm interested in reading that as well.
I'll keep you posted on everything that's going on :D I hope to be on here more often.
My mom and I have started going for a walk every evening so that should help shed a little weight. Although that's not enough so I'm starting to do some pool exercises as well. Honestly I just need to lose weight anyway possible. I can just feel the fat hanging from my body and it makes me sick. I wish I could just peel it all off.
I just finished reading a book called Second Start to the Right. It's about an anorexic 14-year-old. She's 5 years younger than me but I find myself thinking very similar thoughts and it was an interesting read. Also an easy read, I read it in a day. I have another book on hold at the library about anorexia. It's called Wasted. I'm interested in reading that as well.
I'll keep you posted on everything that's going on :D I hope to be on here more often.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Summer Time
Well it's summer! And I haven't been on here in forever. I've been doing incredibly well (getting over this obsession with restricted eating). But now that I'm home for the summer I'm wondering what's going to happen. Part of me just wants to slip back to how it was over winter break, it would be incredibly easy. I just got a nanny job so I'd be gone from home till about 5:00pm so skipping out on breakfast and lunch would be simple, I could get by with just dinner. Occasionally skipping that as well.
But, of course, that's dangerous. But who knows where my life will end up going, what my eating habits will be. I need to lose weight, as my mother keeps reminding me. I'm at 135...highest I've ever been. Not good. She wants to start exercising with me so maybe that will be enough. But, then again, maybe not.
And I'm not sure how safe this blog is anyway. I know for a fact that two people back at school found out about it (my big and my roommate). So they could be reading this right now. At the same time they could have forgotten about it, or assumed I'm not updating it anymore since I haven't been on for so long.
Oh well, I'm going to keep updating it anyway and take my chances. I need to get my thoughts out anyway and I don't feel like creating a new blog.
But, of course, that's dangerous. But who knows where my life will end up going, what my eating habits will be. I need to lose weight, as my mother keeps reminding me. I'm at 135...highest I've ever been. Not good. She wants to start exercising with me so maybe that will be enough. But, then again, maybe not.
And I'm not sure how safe this blog is anyway. I know for a fact that two people back at school found out about it (my big and my roommate). So they could be reading this right now. At the same time they could have forgotten about it, or assumed I'm not updating it anymore since I haven't been on for so long.
Oh well, I'm going to keep updating it anyway and take my chances. I need to get my thoughts out anyway and I don't feel like creating a new blog.
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