Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hectic Days Moving to School

These past few days have been so hectic!  I moved back up to school yesterday.  I'm now a junior in college!!  I didn't end up fasting any of these days.  I forgot how difficult it gets when I'm about to leave for school.  My mom wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before I left (which I love doing) which included meals...  I didn't eat the same portions that a normal person would so I'm proud.  And then on my last night she made pasta!  One of my favorite meals!!  But I had eaten half of a sandwich earlier and wasn't hungry.  I tried to eat my normal amount of pasta and couldn't get even half-way through it.  And after I had a horrible stomach ache.  My body naturally got rid of some of it.  At least I know my body is helping me not eat too much.

And it happened again today!  I had two slices of pizza for lunch and then went to Moe's for dinner.  Today was the first day I got to see some of my best friends up here so they wanted to go out to eat.  I got half-way through a junior burrito and ate some chips before I felt too full.  Then, about 5 minutes later when we were in Walmart, I felt awful!  I had a bad stomach ache and felt all sweaty.  Don't worry body, I will not be doing that regularly.  Now that it's been a full day since I've been here I'm hoping I won't be roped into meals all the time.  I went grocery shopping today and picked up stuff for the week.  I'm going to make oatmeal breakfast bars (80 cals each) and a spinach and sausage rigatoni dish (300 cals per 1 1/2 cups).

I have an Eat What You Love cookbook that gives low cal recipes for great food!  And each recipe includes a calorie count :D  I know 300 cals is a lot...  That makes 380 for the day though if I don't eat lunch.  And if I don't eat 1 1/2 cups it lowers the total a bit.  I won't make it often but it's one of my fav recipes so I'm treating myself!  I love this cookbook!  I plan to cook my way through it this semester.  As I make things I'll upload pictures so y'all can see.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Okay, so fasting today didn't work out.  My mom brought home dinner and I ended up eating.  I had half of a wrap from Chicken Kitchen.  And I didn't eat breakfast so that just makes it worse...  But until then (it was 6:30pm when I ate) I hadn't eaten anything.  So we'll see what that does for my weight.  I had a slice of watermelon a little while after that but since it's basically water I figure it doesn't really count.

I go back up to school in a few days.  I'm leaving on Monday.  Pretty excited and not at the same time.  I miss a lot of the people so I'm excited about that but I don't wanna leave here and have classes.  Laura and I have gotten so much closer these past few days and it's going to suck to not have her as close.  Though she's only like 45 minutes away when we're both at school.  So hopefully it won't be too bad.  I'm teaching her how to knit which is pretty exciting!  I absolutely love knitting and have done so much of it this summer.

I'm gonna try for a fast day tomorrow.  We'll see how that works out.  I just have to play my cards right and avoid food at all costs.  Isn't it crazy how saying no to food gives a sense of empowerment?  How can that be?  It's so weird to think that a year ago I wasn't like this.  I have made such a 360 in the past year it's almost frightening.  And yet it isn't.  I enjoy being the way I am.  Despite the fact that sometimes it terrifies me.  Clearly there is no getting better.  There is no going back once you've started.  And I'm okay with that.

Empty Stomach - Empty Heart

So last night was horrible...  Though it didn't start out that way

Yesterday itself was wonderful.  The only thing I had to eat was an apple (around 80 cals) and I've heard apples are negative calories, though I'm not sure if I trust that.  So I'm counting the 80 cals.  But that's all I had.  And I felt fantastic!!  Later on I found out there was going to be a party and the guy I talked about in my last post was gonna be there.  He even told me I had to go cause he wanted to see me.  So, of course, I was feeling even better.

Well, my friends and I got to the party at around 10:30 or so and we were practically the first ones there.  We started drinking and just hanging out and we were having a great time.  Then a bunch of other people started showing up, including this guy.  This has the potential of being a really long story so I'm gonna keep it short so I don't bore you.  Basically, I shaved my legs just incase (and I had a strong feeling it would happen) he ended up touching them and we ended up making out or something.  We were sitting with each other and he kept touching my back and arms and I thought for sure something was going to happen.  The combo of not eating and drinking made me tipsy pretty fast so I was in a good mood and feeling fantastic.  Then he left for a bit to go smoke weed and when he came back he was totally different.  He was high and all of a sudden didn't wanna touch me or really talk to anyone and suddenly I started feeling worse about myself.  And then about an hour or so later he left with all his friends.  With just a hug as a good bye.  What the fuck?!  I mean...okay, so he didn't wanna hook up.  But then why would he text me to be sure I came to the party?!!  All I could think about was "if I was skinnier...if I had lost more weight...if I wasn't such a whale...if I was pretty..."

After he left I was kinda...okay, not kinda, really, bummed.  And all of a sudden I was alone.  The group that I was hanging out with had dispersed to go talk to other people.  I mean, who wants to sit around a fat, sulky person?  I don't blame them.  So rather than sit there like the loser I am, I went out to the back yard and sat alone.  The sad part?  No one even noticed.  No one called or texted or anything.  Clearly just no one cares.  Then one of the girls who left to say goodbye to some people came back and realized I wasn't there and she called and came and found me sitting in the grass crying.  I love her to death and have no idea what I'd do without her.

We left a little while after that and four of us went to spend the night and one of their houses.  It's funny how gullible and clueless people can be.  I just had to say "I have to get something out of my car, be right back" and I went to her front yard and forced myself to throw up.  Not that there was much to throw up.  But it felt good to do it.

I ended up telling Laura everything.  She's the girl who came and found me in the grass.  So she's completely updated on this whole thing.

Wow...guess who just texted me?!  Yup.  The guy from last night.  Saying he's "sad we didn't really chill out last night"  Ugh!!!  What am I supposed to say to that?!!  Sometimes life just sucks.  And by sometimes I mean all the time.  Whatever.  I'll end this post here now that I've officially bored whoever is reading this.  I'll try to post later tonight but if not I'll post tomorrow.

On a brighter note, I haven't eaten anything today either so far!  And it's already 1:25pm.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

At Least I'm Losing


Yup, that's my weight as of this afternoon.  I can't believe I let myself get so fat...  Just a few months ago I was down to 117!!  But, then again, a few weeks ago I was 140.  That was the tipping point for me.  I knew I had to get rid of the fat and see my beautiful, skinny self again.  And I will go above and beyond!!

I've been skipping meals like crazy.  I forgot how easy it was to trick people and lie your way out of meals.  But now that I'm back on track it's like second nature to me.  I'm hoping for a fast day tomorrow, shouldn't be hard at all.  I'm supposed to go shopping with a friend (to her: oh sorry, ate lunch before we left.  to my mom: oh yea, I totally ate with Laura while shopping!)  And then at dinner time, suddenly my stomach just doesn't feel right and I don't wanna eat.  Sounds perfect to me :D

I go back up to college on Monday and I'm hoping to start the ABC diet at the same time.  I'm getting rid of my meal plan and cooking all my own meals.  Getting rid of all my excuses for breaking the diet.  Can't feel bad about wasting the money I spent on a meal plan. can't ignore counting calories since I'll be making my own meals.  This needs to work!

Now for some personal information:
There is this guy that I've hooked up with a few times (no sex, just other things).  Well, he's had a girlfriend for the past few months so we haven't done anything (I'm absolutely opposed to cheating!!).  But I just found out yesterday that him and his girlfriend broke up.  I was inwardly excited about the news but wasn't gonna do anything about it, I don't want people thinking I'm a slut or anything.  So guess who contacted me today?  Yup.  He did.  He says he wants to hang out before we both go back to school, and we all know what that means.  I'm not going to go out of my way to see him but if I do end up hanging out with him I know we'll end up hooking up.  Just not sure how far we'll go (absolutely no sex though!!)  I don't wanna seem like a slut but...he makes me feel so comfortable with myself.  Like someone can like me just the way I am.  Though it has the opposite effect that you would expect.  I don't get a burst of self-confidence that suppresses my ana urges.  I get a burst of self-confidence that encourages my ana urges.  Suddenly I get the power to lose weight and a mind set full of power and strength.  And I LOVE that feeling!

So that's where I am at the moment...  I'm gonna try writing on this blog more and get back into the game.  But in this game, higher numbers don't make the winner.  The lower, the better!
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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