Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Poem Untitled

Thoughts are jumping everywhere
cluttering my mind
They slip and slide and run about
making them hard to find

It's much too hard to explain
what goes on inside my head
With a confusing stream of consciousness
my mind is never dead

This used to be so comforting
it was a place where I could hide
But then this safe haven turned on me
and I'm drowning in the tide

"You aren't pretty, you aren't smart,
no one around likes you
And there's nothing that will change all this
no matter what you do!"

I try to fight, I try to scream
and make the taunting stop
But everything gets louder
until I'm sure I'll pop!

I used to make them go away
by causing myself pain
Hoping all the little cuts
would keep me staying sane

It lasted for a little while
but didn't last for long
The horrid, self destructive thoughts
came back twice as strong

"You're a horrid friend, and a bitch
no one would care if you would die!"
All these thoughts haunted me
and every night I'd cry

I tried to shake these thoughts
and force them from my mind
I attempted to replace them
and, instead, think something kind

But no matter how hard I tried
nothing seemed to work
And I completely bought in to what they said
convinced I was just a jerk

I couldn't escape the thoughts
or shake the depressing feeling
With everything muddled in my head
my mind was constantly reeling

I needed a way to escape
or some form of control
Because in living in all this chaos
I was paying a huge toll

My self-esteem was extremely low
I always felt inferior
I spent everyday feeling depressed
despite my happy exterior

I started skipping meals
a couple times a week
Completely b accident at first
and not as a feeling happier technique

Slowly I started to realize
how easy and simple it was
To skip a meal everyday
and it gave me a slight buzz

The skipping became more constant
at food I could just scoff
My happiness started increasing
while the weight was melting off

Refusing food and saying no
became its own reward
Of self-control and confidence
when my hunger was ignored

Ana took a hole of me
and became my only friend
Till every thought and moment
on her I would spend

She's still with me now
everywhere I go
And I cling to her company
She'll keep me safe, I know

I know that I'll be happier
the thinner that I get
And I know i'm no where near my goal
cause no one's stopped me yet . . .

I really enjoy writing poetry and that's my latest one.  It doesn't have a title yet but I think that's okay.  Maybe later on I'll share some other poems that I've written.  Depending on if anyone likes this one.  Let me know what you all think!  If anyone is reading this that is.

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Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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