Not So Secret...

I went to dinner the other night with my big and some people that I know from theatre.  I got a salad (which was actually very good) so I felt fine with going out.  Then, after eating the salad, I had a couple of onion rings and half of a chicken zinger.  After that I started feeling pretty guilty about eating and what I had eaten.  I was also in kind of a depressed mood (there's a shock) after rehearsal and for some reason was getting really irritated.  So, I decided to go to the bathroom and throw up.  Normally I wouldn't actually want to since I really didn't eat that much but it was a mixture of eating and feeling upset and irritated that made me want to do it.  I got to the bathroom, pulled back my hair, and stuck my finger down my throat.  But right when that happened I heard some lady walk into the bathroom.  I did NOT want to throw up with her there so I was going to wait until she left.  But, before she did, my big walked in to the bathroom and called my name.  I knew she suspected what I was attempting to do and there was no way I was going to get away with her leaving before me so I had to abandon my attempts and just deal with it.  

After dinner, I drove everyone back to their dorms and then went to back to the sorority house (where my big and I both live).  Well, we were on our way back and she brings up the topic of me eating.  I wasn't the least bit surprised.  We ended up sitting in the parking lot for a few hours talking about it.  She is really one of the most amazing people I know and she knows how to talk to me about these things.  I don't know if she realizes that or not.  She was talking to me about how she is trying a new tactic of talking to me instead of what she did last semester (force me to eat) and how she wants me to go talk to Cheryl, who was the councilor I saw twice last semester.  I told her I was not going to go to Cheryl and she said I need to talk to someone, even if it's not her.  Her roommates big is anorexic as well and she wants me to talk to her and/or to one of the people she talked to while she was here.  I highly doubt I'm going to, I don't think I need to, but whatever.  

Anyway, we were talking and I was crying and she kept saying she knows that I know I have a problem even if I won't admit it.  Then she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of an extreme anorexic to say that's not the person I am and whatever.  I wasn't really shocked by the picture, I've seen much worse, but I wasn't impressed either.  She was too skinny, I don't want to look like her, but somewhere in between her and me.  Anyway, then she looked back at her phone and showed me something else.  I was completely taken off guard by what she showed me.  This blog...

She found it by searching her computer and mine.  At that moment I couldn't help myself and I started bawling.  I felt shocked, upset, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, betrayed....so many emotions and I couldn't take it.  Am I mad at her?  No.  Was I angry with her?  No.  Does that mean I'm happy about it? No.  So she may be reading this right now, but I don't care.  Let her read it.  All this blog does is express how I feel about things.

So yesterday was a strange day...it was the day after all this happened.  I ate two meals (lunch and dinner) without too much conflict in my head.  But all day I was just in a strange mood and I felt sort of out-of-it.  It's weird to think she read something I thought no one would ever read.  It's strange to think she knows more than I would feel comfortable telling her in person.  It's weird to think she's known about this blog for a while I never knew it.  And yet it's comforting to know she cares...