Friday, October 21, 2011

Yesterday's Progress


Well...basically.  Here's how:

Tea, a lot - 0
New England Clam Chowder - 210
Goldfish - 120
Alcohol - . . . ?

Yea . . . I practically ate nothing but then drank last night so I don't know.  I didn't drink that much, it doesn't take much when you've only had 330 cals worth of food all day.

Last night wasn't a good night either.  I found out that the guy I like is going to formal with one of my sorority sisters.  And the thing is, we've made out before!  In my bedroom!  Like . . . I get that we just made out but that was a big deal for me to do that with someone in my room.  And now I just feel like a stupid whore.  The thing that I don't understand is that he didn't even try to go further than make out.  He try anything!  Which made me think he actually liked me.  Well, guess I was wrong there.  Should have known.  Obviously no one could ever like me that way.  I need to stop kidding myself.

Then after that I found out that my newest little put me down as #3 on her big list . . ..  I don't know if anyone reading this knows/understands sorority life.  Bigs act as mentors for their littles.  They are role models and advice givers and friends, just like a biological big sister would be.  And, of course, everyone wants their #1 choice.  Or at least their #2.  But . . . #3?  Idk . . . she seems pretty excited but it still didn't feel good to hear it.  I plan on being an amazing big no matter what though.  Just the combination of this and hearing about the guy was not what I needed.

I came back to my room pretty early cause I didn't want to be out anymore.  I just wanted to cry and go to sleep.  So that's what I did.  And I actually cried in front of someone!  I HATE doing that.  I don't like people seeing me weak and vulnerable.  But I did.  For some reason I just wanted to go see one of my friends last night.  She lives in the sorority house with me (only 14 girls live here).  My big graduated last year and this semester Megg has been like a stand in big for me.  And she just hugged me and let me cry.  Then her roommate got back, one of my best friends, and she was really supportive too.  They told me I should sleepover with them so I did.  Which was really nice.  Had I not done that I know I would have gone back to my room and cut myself . . .  I've already done it once this semester.  The problem with cutting is that once you start, it's hard to stop.  Just like an ED.  I hate that I do but sometimes I can't help it.  And other times I can ride out the urge to do it.  It all depends.

Last night I didn't feel too drunk or anything.  But when I woke up this morning . . . goodness.  I felt queasy and shaky.  I had to wake up at 5:45am so I could take a shower and get ready to babysit at 6:30am.  I felt awful!  I went back up to my room, went to the bathroom, and just wanted to throw-up.  But there was nothing to throw up so nothing happened.  After a few minutes the queasiness stopped but I was sweaty and shaky and felt hot/cold at the same time.  I almost called in sick to my babysitting job.  But the shower helped a lot and I felt so much better so I went to work.  I only work till 8:00am when I go take him to daycare so it wasn't bad.  Plus I got payed today.

My stomach still feels a little uneasy.  And I know that will go away with food so I plan on getting something for breakfast soon.  If I don't take a nap first.  Today is another 500 cal day so I have to plan accordingly.

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Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
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