Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 10: Christmas wish list
- Reach my goal weight, knitting supplies, strength to continue losing weight, clothing

Day 11: Tea or coffee?
- Definitely tea!! I don't like coffee and I love tea!  I don't think I can get through a day without it.  I drink all kinds: earl gray, green, english breakfast, chamomile, english afternoon, irish afternoon, basically everything!  I don't like lemon though.  I used to drink it with sugar and milk but started cutting back on the sugar and skipping the milk.

So much is going on right now . . .  How and when did life get so stressful?  And when did I become so unmotivated about school?  That's never been me.  I've always been hard working and motivated, never stopping.  And lately I've just been losing interest.  I think more and more about death.  I couldn't actually kill myself but I keep thinking about it.  Wondering what the point to all of this is.  Why am I in school?  Why does it matter?  Why do I need to live?  What's the point?  I promise I'm not suicidal.  I just don't understand where my head is right now . . .

Also, I started talking to Ryan again . . .  I don't think I've ever talked about him on here.  We met the summer before my sophomore year of college and he was just graduating.  He ended up moving to where I go to school to live with one of his best friends who was a senior when I was a sophomore.  We went on a couple dates and talked all the time.  And then, like I always, I freaked out.  He was getting to close and I wasn't comfortable with it so I started withdrawing.  Well, he didn't take that well at all and completely blew up on me.  We fought consistently for about two weeks where he would yell at me and tell me I was an awful person and blah blah blah.  Well, we finally stopped talking.  I was really upset after that situation.  At the time I didn't realize any of it was my fault and blamed it all on him being psycho.  Looking back on it I realize it had a lot to do with me and my insecurity with people getting too close.  Well, half a year later (end of my second semester sophomore year) I started to realize this and realized I missed his friendship.  He had since moved and got a job.  So we started texting and talking again.  Of course there was still an attraction there so we were very flirty and such.  Well, that summer, it ended in a blow up again.  We talked about how neither of us would ever do a long distance relationship and somehow things turned weird from there.   I'm not really sure what prompted it but he went crazy again and we stopped talking.

You think I'd have learned my lesson.  Nope.  We started talking again a couple weeks into this semester (first semester junior year).  He then asked if I would go to dinner with him if he came to visit.  I said I didn't think it was a good idea since neither of us want a long distance relationship and I knew that going to dinner would just complicate things.  He proceeded to tell me I was dumber than he thought and he should have seen it and I was the stupidest person he'd ever met.

Lesson learned?  Apparently not.  We are talking again.  Everything's on good terms and I really enjoy talking to him.  A few nights ago we were texting and for some reason he brought up my weight.  He wanted to guess how much I weighed and he guessed between 130 and 135.  Correct.  I asked him why he wanted to know and this is how the convo went from there:
Him: Just curiosity.  You're at the perfect weight really.  You got substance but it's tailored and trimmed
(little does he know I don't want that "substance."  I want emptiness)
Me: Thanks :)  I wouldn't say perfect but I'll take the compliment anyway
Him: Trust me your weight is highly ideal.  You may think you want to weigh less but you don't
Him: You prob would like to be more toned
Me: Lol.  Thanks
Him: Which means your weight is perfect :)

I just disagree completely . . .  But whatever.  He can think what he wants.  For now I want to reach 120 so I can reach 115 and take it from there.  I think my ultimate weight is probably 110.  But for now I want to get back down to 120.

Well this post is getting kind of long so I'll stop it here.  Thank you to everyone who reads and has been commenting on this posts!!  Judith Marie and Lolo =]

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Well I just got back to school.  I'm currently the only one in the sorority house so literally nothing is going on.  I also just weighed myself.  I'm at 133.2.  Ughh...  I suppose I should be happy that I lost over the break instead of gaining.  I'm down 1.4 lbs since I last weighed myself.  But still...I have 28 days until Christmas.  I need to lose at least 13.2 lbs by then.  Ideally I'd lose 18.2 but I don't know if I could pull that off.  I just need to push harder!

I'm attempting to fast today.  I've been awake for eight hours and haven't eaten yet.  And it's been about 20 since my last meal.  I'm drinking a lot of water to keep my mind off being hungry.  I know that, since it's our first day back from the break, people are going to try to convince me to go get dinner with them.  Somehow I need to find the will power to go eat with them but not let myself eat.  I'm so close yet so far away from my goal.

Time to update on the days for the challenge:
Day 6: List 10 things about your personality.
- I'm quick to learn, eager to please, put others' needs in front of my own, a great listener, dedicated, I thrive off stress and keeping myself busy, I over think everything, I'm creative and crafty, my mood can change very fast and I tend to go from 'happy' to depressed for no reason, and I'm competitive.

Day 7: Current weight
- 133.2 (I'm going from today since I didn't have a scale on the actual 7th day)

Day 8: Body part you want to change the most
- Without a doubt my stomach.  I have a gross gut that sticks out and makes me cringe just thinking about it.  Although I'd also like to get rid of the fat on my thighs and hips...  I never have liked my thighs.

Day 9: Brief plans for the Holidays
- Coming home from college and just hanging out at home, babysitting, maybe hanging out with some 'friends.'  Then having Christmas at my house and possibly going to visit college friends or have them come visit me, especially for New Years.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Well . . . I hate holidays.  I love being around my family and everything but hate that there is so much food everywhere!!  I did pretty well before dinner.  Definitely more than I was planning but I didn't feel guilty.  I ate half a banana, an apple, a handful of grapes, and a bag of fritos.  Okay . . . putting it in writing seems a lot worse than when I just thought about it . . . shoot . . .  Well there's nothing I can do about that now.

Then for dinner I ate too much.  And by that I mean I ate one plateful (a normal serving of food).  But we all know that "normal" is too much.  Especially when you consider how fat the American population is as a whole.  It disgusts me.  Well, I ate turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, asparagus, and bread with butter.  And, of course, my turkey and mashed potatoes had gravy.  Gravy = pure fat.  Then I had a rootbeer to go with it which is about 170 calories on its own.  And for dessert I had a bowl of ice cream with about a table spoon of log cabin maple syrup on top.  Ughhh!!!  Too much food!!!  I seriously need to start working out more than I do.  And eat less.

Now all I want to do is go to sleep!!  Tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard near by which will be great.  Although my Aunt will try to get me to eat a caramel apple or some apple cookies . . . or both.  And I have no idea how I'm going to handle that.  Logic is telling me to say no to both!  But we'll see what will power does tomorrow.  I just have to remember that it's not worth it!  The taste will only last for a few minutes.  But the feeling of being thin will last much longer.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Minnesota Weekend

Day 5: Are you pro-thinspo, pro-fitspo, pro-ana, pro-mia, or pro-weight-loss?  Why?
- Difficult question . . . I'd say I'm definitely pro-thinspo, fitspo, and weight loss for myself and others.  On a whole I encourage others to be healthy and inspiration that helps you achieve that is always good.  However, I am not pro-any form of eating disorder for those who don't have one.  I am a member of a "pro-ana" site though.  I go there for support and inspiration.  So I like having the option of visiting a pro-ana site even though I strongly discourage it for anyone not already struggling.

So I'm up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving.  This is gonna be a struggle.  I already ate more today than I should have and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!  I don't plan on eating anything before dinner though that way if I over eat a little bit it won't be the end of the world.  Though I'd really like to eat less than a normal portion of food.  Just a taste of everything to occupy time and show everyone I'm eating.  Is it bad that I'm hoping to wake up really sick tomorrow?  Last year I got so lucky and was throwing up during dinner so I didn't have to worry about it.  Oh well . . . I'll just have to prove my strength of character.

I've been thinking about trying out laxatives lately and Judith Marie (a blogger I follow) just recently posted about using them.  It's seriously making the thoughts even stronger.  Sure, now you all probably think I just copy everything I read from blogs.  I promise you that's not the case.  Reading these blogs just helps me settle these debates I've been having with myself.  But you can think what you wish.  Unfortunately I am not home or up at school so I don't have the opportunity to get them at the moment.  I'm going to have to wait till I leave Minnesota.  Gives me some more time to debate about it.

And now for a comment response:

Judith Marie:  Thank you so much for your lovely comment!  I'm always terrified that someone is going to to notice my cutting and confront me about it.  So I had to be sure I put it somewhere no one would see.  Your comment really means a lot =]  I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it beautiful.  I guess that's how our minds work.  There's something inherently more beautiful about something when you've carved it into your skin.  Maybe that's just because I'm crazy . . .

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I did it.  I cut a design into my hip!  Before I post a picture of that I'm gonna respond to Judith Marie's comment on my previous post.

Judith Marie:  An x-acto knife (just figured out the spelling) looks like this.  Fun Fact:  When I was in 8th grade my mom was helping my friend and I work on a science project and we were using one of these to cut pipes and cardboard and an assortment of other things.  Somehow we were talking about how it could easily cut skin and started referring to it as a "flesh cutter."  And now that's exactly what I use it for.

And here's the design I made with it.  It felt so good to be making such precise marks.  Looking back on it I should have done five petals on the flower instead of 4 but that's okay.  It's positioned slightly to the left of my right hip bone.  Hidden by practically everything I wear.  Not sure about bathing suits but seeing as it's November I won't have to worry about that.

I'm leaving school to go on Thanksgiving break today.  My friend goes to school about 4 hours north of me so she's gonna swing by and pick me up before driving another 4 hours home.  She's getting here around noon and wants to grab lunch...great.  I was kinda counting on not eating lunch today since I'm gonna have to eat dinner.  I'll just have to eat something small and not eat all of it.  If I seriously want to get down to 120/115 by Christmas I'm gonna have to step up my game.

Day 4: Favorite Meal
- Spaghetti and meatballs.  More specifically my mom's recipe.  I can make it too; just as long as it's her recipe I think it's delicious.  But it's chalk full of calories so I refrain from making it.

Monday, November 21, 2011

New Scale and Cutting Instrument


Finally bought a scale today!!  Though I weighed myself and am disappointed by what I found.  134.6 lbs is nothing to be proud of.

I started on a 37 Day Christmas Weight Loss Challenge on facebook (my ana profile, not my real one).  I started it on the third day so I'll update you till then.

DAY ONE: Stats
- Height: 5'8"
- CW: 134.6 lbs
- UGW: 100 lbs

DAY TWO: The weight you wish to be Christmas morning
- 115 lbs.  That's 20 lbs in about 34 days . . . yikes.  Maybe a more realistic goal is 120 lbs.

DAY THREE: Describe how you want to feel at Christmas dinners/parties
- Christmas Dinners: in control, amazed by my self-discipline, finding pleasure in watching others eat while refusing food.
- Christmas Parties: I want to turn heads, be the girl everyone wants to be, thin and beautiful.

I'm really glad I finally have a scale.  Now hopefully I'll stay more on track.  Although Thanksgiving break is coming up in a few days and I'm worried about that.  My family is going up to visit more family in Minnesota and I'm worried it'll be hard to get away with not eating.  We'll see.

In addition to buying a scale today I bought an exacto-knife.  Sorry to those who don't approve of cutting but that's what it's for.  Anyone who's been following this blog knows I cut myself.  In the past I've always used razors, and once scissors.  Now I want to try something new.  I'm following someone's blog who cut a really beautiful bird into her leg.  I kinda want to try cutting something pretty into my skin instead of just lines.  We'll see =]

Monday, November 14, 2011

I was reading Escape From Freedom by Erich Fromm today and came across a lovely passage that I wanted to share with you all.  I'll let you interpret it as you wish.

" 'I knew that we counted little in comparison with the universe, I knew that we were nothing; but to be so immeasurably nothing seems in some way both to overwhelm and at the same time to reassure.  Those figures, those dimensions beyond the range of human thought, are utterly overpowering.  Is there anything whatsoever to which we can cling?  Amid that chaos of illusions into which we are cast headlong, there is one thing that stands out as true, and that is - love.  All the rest is nothingness, an empty void.  We peer down into a huge dark abyss.  And we are afraid.' "

He quotes that passage from Julian Green's Personal Record and goes to say, "However, this feeling of individual isolation and powerlessness as it has been expressed by these writers and as it is felt by many so-called neurotic people, is nothing the average normal person is aware of."  How true this is.  Thinking about my own thoughts and feelings and those of others with an ED we do think like that.  Our mind is muddled with those types of thoughts everyday.

I think my favorite quote from the whole passage comes a few lines later:

"But whistling in the dark does not bring light.  Aloneness, fear, and bewilderment remain; people cannot stand it forever."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Some Friends

What's the point of having sorority sisters if none of them are going to support you??  I'm in the play here at school and this is the second (and final) weekend of performances.  Tomorrow is our last performance.  We are doing The Foreigner and I am playing Catherine which, for those of you who don't know the play, is a lead character.  One of the things I bragged about during recruitment to the girls who were going through is how supportive my sorority sisters are when I'm in a play.  I told them they would all come watch on the same night and it always made me feel great.  Well this time it is the exact opposite.  Maybe 5 sisters have come in total?  One of my littles came twice which was amazing but the other didn't come at all.  And the other sisters who came aren't even close friends of mine.  There are 61 girls in our chapter, the fact that I can count on one hand the amount of them who came is really upsetting.  Not even my really close friends have come!!

I understand they couldn't come last week because it was a really packed week for those in Greek life.  But this weekend?  Okay, they couldn't come Thursday or Friday but tonight there was no conflict!  They even told me they'd be there!!  When the show got out I texted them and asked what they were up to and they told me they went out!!!  Instead of coming to the show!!!  It was so upsetting.  I cried.  One of them didn't answer my text (and I know she read it cause the iPhone now lets you know when some people have read a text) and the other just told me they went Cowboys (a bar/club or something).  So I asked if she was gonna come see tomorrow's performance and she said "I hope so."  Whatever.  If you don't wanna be there and don't go.  But don't act like we're incredibly good friends either.  At this point I don't even care if they come tomorrow.

On the plus side, my mom and grandma came up today to see it.  That really made me happy cause I didn't think they'd get to come.  My mom hurt her back and hasn't really been able to move and it's a four hour drive from home to here.  I wanted them to meet some of my friends but now I don't even care.  I was gonna see if they all wanted to grab lunch before my mom and grandma left but I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Surprise Visit =]

My big surprised me and came up to visit last night!!  For those of you who have been reading this blog, you know that she graduated last year and you know about our relationship.  For any newcomers (welcome!!): she is my sorority big sister and we were incredibly close when she was here.  But she graduated at the end of last year and I really miss her.  She knew all about my restricting and stuff and took me to counseling and everything.  Anyway, she came to visit last night and it was fantastic!  She told me she wasn't coming up because she had to work and then, when I was on stage performing, I heard her laugh and knew she was watching.  It was really great seeing her again.

We went out after the show last night and had drinks and hung out with a bunch of people.  It was a really nice night.  We didn't fight, no one cried, and it was just a lot of fun.  I didn't even drunk text any guys!!  (Which I have a tendency to do when I drink).  She mentioned a couple of times that I look like I'd lost weight or that I needed to gain weight and things like that.  And it felt so great!  She didn't say it condescendingly like she used to, it was just a nonchalant statement and it was really inspiring!  Clearly I'm doing something right.  Even without a scale I can keep this up and lose the weight I desperately need to lose.  I need to visit my friends in UVA (university village apartments, they are apartments on campus) so I can use their scale to see how I'm doing.  It feels great that some of my clothes are fitting a bit looser and people comment on how thin I am.  I just can't wait till I'm actually thin!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Poem Untitled

Thoughts are jumping everywhere
cluttering my mind
They slip and slide and run about
making them hard to find

It's much too hard to explain
what goes on inside my head
With a confusing stream of consciousness
my mind is never dead

This used to be so comforting
it was a place where I could hide
But then this safe haven turned on me
and I'm drowning in the tide

"You aren't pretty, you aren't smart,
no one around likes you
And there's nothing that will change all this
no matter what you do!"

I try to fight, I try to scream
and make the taunting stop
But everything gets louder
until I'm sure I'll pop!

I used to make them go away
by causing myself pain
Hoping all the little cuts
would keep me staying sane

It lasted for a little while
but didn't last for long
The horrid, self destructive thoughts
came back twice as strong

"You're a horrid friend, and a bitch
no one would care if you would die!"
All these thoughts haunted me
and every night I'd cry

I tried to shake these thoughts
and force them from my mind
I attempted to replace them
and, instead, think something kind

But no matter how hard I tried
nothing seemed to work
And I completely bought in to what they said
convinced I was just a jerk

I couldn't escape the thoughts
or shake the depressing feeling
With everything muddled in my head
my mind was constantly reeling

I needed a way to escape
or some form of control
Because in living in all this chaos
I was paying a huge toll

My self-esteem was extremely low
I always felt inferior
I spent everyday feeling depressed
despite my happy exterior

I started skipping meals
a couple times a week
Completely b accident at first
and not as a feeling happier technique

Slowly I started to realize
how easy and simple it was
To skip a meal everyday
and it gave me a slight buzz

The skipping became more constant
at food I could just scoff
My happiness started increasing
while the weight was melting off

Refusing food and saying no
became its own reward
Of self-control and confidence
when my hunger was ignored

Ana took a hole of me
and became my only friend
Till every thought and moment
on her I would spend

She's still with me now
everywhere I go
And I cling to her company
She'll keep me safe, I know

I know that I'll be happier
the thinner that I get
And I know i'm no where near my goal
cause no one's stopped me yet . . .

I really enjoy writing poetry and that's my latest one.  It doesn't have a title yet but I think that's okay.  Maybe later on I'll share some other poems that I've written.  Depending on if anyone likes this one.  Let me know what you all think!  If anyone is reading this that is.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Half a Confession

This show is sure keeping me busy!  Between classes, studying for tests, sorority events, rehearsals, and now actual performances I've just been running around everywhere.

The shows have been going amazingly!  Last nights audience was just fantastic.  They laughed and awwed so much.  It really was a great feeling.  And after the show I had so many people come up to me and tell me how great I was and how I look so natural on stage.  And the guy that I like was there . . .  they guy I told you is going to formal with one of my sorority sisters.  Well he came up to me after the show and hugged me and told me that I did a fantastic job.  He's from Georgia and we all had to use southern accents for the play (since it takes place in Georgia) and he was like, "I was honestly really impressed with your accent, and with your acting.  You were really great!"  And we talked about how he wished he had auditioned and how he's going to audition for future shows.  We just had a nice little chat.  And then I had to leave to change out of costume so he gave me a hug to say goodbye and as I started walking away he goes "Wait, come back" and gave me another hug but lifted me off the ground . . . wtf?  I don't understand him!!!  I don't want to like him but sometimes it's so difficult!

Now to talk about the half confession:
Not including the townspeople, there are only two girls in the play.  So we've been the only girls going to every rehearsal.  She's in her late 20s I'm pretty sure (she won't tell me so she's either late 20s or early 30s).  But anyway, we've gotten kind of close.  Not incredibly so but still.  To me she feels like a big sister.  We were actually talking about that one day too.  We were sitting backstage and she was like "you remind me of my little sister" and I was like "really?  you remind me of my big sister!  Except that I don't have one" haha.  And she said "Awww, so I'm like the big sister you never had!"  Which is kinda true.  Even though I have my big in my sorority and stuff, but she graduated last year and I don't ever see her.  And R feels like more of a big sister anyway.

Well, one day in the dressing room we were talking about tattoos.  She has one on her back so she was explaining it to me.  I told her I never used to want a tattoo but now there's one that I sort of want.  So she had me show her a picture of what it is:

Now, I'm sure most of you know what this symbol is.  The eating disorder recovery symbol.  I wouldn't get it now for a couple of reasons.
A) I don't want to have to explain it to my parents.  They don't know and they would find the tattoo.
B) It would feel hypocritical to get it now since I'm not recovered at all anymore.

Well, she asked me what it meant and I told her...  I told her it was the eating disorder recovery symbol.  And we didn't really say much more.  We left rehearsal and I texted her a bit later.  I felt a little awkward that I told her and was wondering if it had been a mistake.  It was a short text convo but here it is:
Me: Hey, sorry if that was too much to tell you.  Lol
Her: Not at all, sweetie.  You can tell me whatever you like. :)
Me: I just forgot that it can be kinda awkward for people to find out which is why I don't really tell anyone.
Her: Well it's a personal piece of your history so I can understand wanting to keep it yourself.  But I'm always willing to listen.  I admire you.
Her: There's nothing you can say that's going to make me feel awkward.
Me: Thanks R.  That really means a lot.  And why would you admire me?
Her: Anyone recovering from an eating disorder shows a strength of character that's worth admiring.  You're pretty awesome, C.

I won't share the rest cause not much else is said.  But I thought that was incredibly sweet of her.  It made me feel great that she is willing to be there for me no matter what I tell her.  Obviously I'm not planing on telling her this isn't completely past tense.  But at least she knows it's something I've gone through.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Almost Too Thin?

No Such thing!

Today I was having a conversation with one of my littles (I have two in my sorority and two in the theatre fraternity) about food.  We were talking about anorexia and stuff.  She knows I've restricted my eating in the past but doesn't know I still do it.  So we were talking about how people make day to day comments about my eating habits and how today a girl told me I'm "so lucky I don't need to eat all the time and can survive without food."  Obviously she didn't understand the weight of her words.  She didn't realize how incredibly triggering that was.  Clearly my not eating is viewed by others as a sign of strength!  My plans to not eat dinner were just finalized.

So my little (we'll call this one J) was saying how people never jump to that conclusion when I make a comment about not eating or being fat.  They either think it's no big deal or that I'm just joking.  For some reason other people think I'm being funny when I say I'm fat.  They don't think I could possibly be serious. But I am!!  Anyway, I told J it's because I don't look like I don't eat so no one worries about it.  And she just stared at me.  So I said it again, "I don't look too thin, I don't look like I don't eat" and she just looked at me and said "Big...you are right on the borderline.  If you were any thinner I'd be so worried about you."

Only that had the opposite effect of what she wanted.  She wanted me to go out and get food or something right then.  Or quit restricting altogether.  But no!  She thinks I'm thin!!  I need to keep going. My goal is getting closer and I can't stop now.  I want to be thinner.  I need to be thinner!  And it's going to happen.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I can feel it!  My waist is slimmer, the weight is slowly starting to drip off.  I can't believe it!  Even without a scale I know it.  Pants that were starting to fit really tight after gaining weight are starting to fit me perfectly again!  No more struggling to button them up.  Which means my wardrobe just expanded.  I hate forcing myself into clothes, it's just a reminder of how fat I am!  But now that they slide on with ease I can show them off to the world :D

Slowly but surely I'll reach my goal.  Slowly but surely I'll look incredible and thin!

Also...I cut myself again.  About two nights ago.  So many thin, perfect razor cuts adorn my right side.  With everything else I feel the need to be even, but with this...no.  Not at all.  My right hip is where the cuts always go.  No where else.  Strange to think.  When someone taps my left side, I automatically tap my right side, I eat everything in even numbers.  Yet cutting doesn't need to be even.  I don't understand it but that's okay.  I only let doctors give me shots on my left side so maybe that's how it balances out?  Who knows..

Unfortunately I didn't think about this beforehand.  I have to change costumes in the dressing room for the play I'm in...  And my hip is not the easiest of places to hide when I'm changing from dress to dress to dress.  Especially when one of them is such a fast change that I literally only have time to take one dress off and throw the other one on.  Thankfully that gets done in a blackout backstage and not in the dressing room and I don't think anyone can see very well.  But still...I'm worried someone will accidentally see..
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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