Saturday, January 19, 2013

So it's official. I'm an awful friend. I think I expect way too much all the time. From everyone... I don't even do it on purpose. But I don't know why anyone would stay friends with me for a long portion of time... I definitely don't treat my friends well.

I cry myself to sleep every night. Without fail. How is that fair to Ellen? Who has to lay with me every night? Exactly. It's not. What kind of friend does that to someone? Me apparently. I don't think it's fair that she has to constantly worry about how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Her life could be so much easier. Going to sleep at normal times, not watching as I cry on the bathroom floor because of the conversation going on in my head. I don't think there is any benefit for her in this friendship. I can't believe I'm selfish enough to do this to her... Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stop this pain for her. I'll have the guts to just quit everything. Make the hurt and the pain stop. And stop treating my friends this way... Because I know they don't deserve it...

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday...  I guess I'm going to discuss everything.  This whole "eating disorder" the cutting the wanting to kill myself...  But what if she doesn't believe me?  I'm terrified to talk to her...  I'm not even underweight.  How can you get help for an eating disorder when you could stand to lose a few pounds?  Ughhh.  I don't even know why I'm going...

Also, I'm an awful friend.  I keep dragging Ellen into this whole situation and it's not fair to her.  I'm going to keep telling her I hate myself and she's going to keep telling me not to.  What if that makes her think I don't trust her?  Or I don't value her opinion?  That's not the case at all and I can't stand to think she might believe that...  Her brother told her that if he were me, he wouldn't be friends with her.  Who would say that?  He knows nothing about our friendship.  Really it's the other way around.  I can't understand why she's still friends with me.  After everything I've put her through.  And continue to put her through.  I just need to stop bringing her into this.  She deserves better than that.  She deserves a better friend.

And I cut again.  It felt so good.  There was no trying to stop it, no reaching out for help to push through it.  I felt the urge and gave in.  I cut and let the blood flow.  What a beautiful sight.  To see the scarlet red drip down my pale skin.  I wanted it so badly.  And I let myself enjoy it
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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