Not So Secret...

I went to dinner the other night with my big and some people that I know from theatre.  I got a salad (which was actually very good) so I felt fine with going out.  Then, after eating the salad, I had a couple of onion rings and half of a chicken zinger.  After that I started feeling pretty guilty about eating and what I had eaten.  I was also in kind of a depressed mood (there's a shock) after rehearsal and for some reason was getting really irritated.  So, I decided to go to the bathroom and throw up.  Normally I wouldn't actually want to since I really didn't eat that much but it was a mixture of eating and feeling upset and irritated that made me want to do it.  I got to the bathroom, pulled back my hair, and stuck my finger down my throat.  But right when that happened I heard some lady walk into the bathroom.  I did NOT want to throw up with her there so I was going to wait until she left.  But, before she did, my big walked in to the bathroom and called my name.  I knew she suspected what I was attempting to do and there was no way I was going to get away with her leaving before me so I had to abandon my attempts and just deal with it.  

After dinner, I drove everyone back to their dorms and then went to back to the sorority house (where my big and I both live).  Well, we were on our way back and she brings up the topic of me eating.  I wasn't the least bit surprised.  We ended up sitting in the parking lot for a few hours talking about it.  She is really one of the most amazing people I know and she knows how to talk to me about these things.  I don't know if she realizes that or not.  She was talking to me about how she is trying a new tactic of talking to me instead of what she did last semester (force me to eat) and how she wants me to go talk to Cheryl, who was the councilor I saw twice last semester.  I told her I was not going to go to Cheryl and she said I need to talk to someone, even if it's not her.  Her roommates big is anorexic as well and she wants me to talk to her and/or to one of the people she talked to while she was here.  I highly doubt I'm going to, I don't think I need to, but whatever.  

Anyway, we were talking and I was crying and she kept saying she knows that I know I have a problem even if I won't admit it.  Then she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of an extreme anorexic to say that's not the person I am and whatever.  I wasn't really shocked by the picture, I've seen much worse, but I wasn't impressed either.  She was too skinny, I don't want to look like her, but somewhere in between her and me.  Anyway, then she looked back at her phone and showed me something else.  I was completely taken off guard by what she showed me.  This blog...

She found it by searching her computer and mine.  At that moment I couldn't help myself and I started bawling.  I felt shocked, upset, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, betrayed....so many emotions and I couldn't take it.  Am I mad at her?  No.  Was I angry with her?  No.  Does that mean I'm happy about it? No.  So she may be reading this right now, but I don't care.  Let her read it.  All this blog does is express how I feel about things.

So yesterday was a strange day...it was the day after all this happened.  I ate two meals (lunch and dinner) without too much conflict in my head.  But all day I was just in a strange mood and I felt sort of out-of-it.  It's weird to think she read something I thought no one would ever read.  It's strange to think she knows more than I would feel comfortable telling her in person.  It's weird to think she's known about this blog for a while I never knew it.  And yet it's comforting to know she cares...

It's Been a While!

I haven't been on here in a while...things up at school are just complicated.  My big is really on top of my eating, but I've recently discovered how easy it is for me to skip out on lunch.  So I'm going to do that as often as possible.  I may also be able to get out of dinner tonight but I'm not sure.  My new goal is to liquid fast for as long as I can get away with it.  I'm not going to assume I'll be able to go for long though.  I'm not restricting it to water because I'm in the middle of rehearsing for a play called Big Love which is pretty physical.  So I need some sort of nutrients to keep me from fainting.

I still don't have a scale up here so I have no idea where my weight is...which is pretty frustrating.  But my schedule is super busy so I'm constantly on the move.  That's all for now, I just wanted to write a quick update.

Back at school...

Yup!  Back at college.  Wonderful...  I'm so excited to be here because I've missed everyone tremendously but I'm nervous I'm not going to lose any more or weight, or worse...that I'll gain!  I've already gained 3 lbs and am now at 120 since I last weighed myself.  I'm extremely disappointed.  I'll just have to see how school goes.  I don't have a scale up here which is going to be a problem and I am going to have to invest in one.

Anyway, I have a lot to do before I start classes tomorrow so I've got to go.

Wow...

I don't know what's going on in my mind.  I was thinking of fasting today, or at least keeping my eating to an absolute minimum after yesterday.  And I did well until around 5.  I ate half of a brownie.  Then my mom ordered Dominoe's pizza for dinner and I had 3 slices of cheese pizza.  Then later on I had a 100 calorie ice cream bar.  And then some gummi worms.  The weirdest part?  I don't really feel guilty about it...I feel just like I did before this whole anorexia thing started.  But I'm also super nervous about what's going to happen when I step on the scale tomorrow.

I think I just need to take a break for a few days and figure out what's going on in my head.  I think it has a lot to do with me preparing to go back up to college on Monday, it's messing with my head.

Horrible day!! (ABC Diet - Day 5)

I tried to post this last night but for some reason this site wasn't letting me.

Yesterday was awful...I completely lost it.  I just felt like crying.  What was I thinking?!

I was doing so well until the Outback thing; we ended up going.  That was my first mistake.  So, we went to Outback and, of course, my dad orders the Bloomen Onion...and I had some of it.  Not too much but I felt disgusting afterwards anyway.  Then I had half a piece of grilled chicken and half a serving of garlic mashed potatoes.  I was upset that I clearly went over my 100 calories but was semi proud that I didn't eat everything.  Still it was not acceptable.

But it doesn't stop there!  We get home and my dog had peed in the house and my mom was upset.  So I decided to make her some brownies to make her feel better.  My brother and I got her an all edges brownie pan for Christmas so I decided to try it out.  I wasn't planning on eating any of the brownies but somehow I managed to eat a whole one plus a glass of milk!  The best part?  I don't even like chocolate!!  Ughhh!!!  So that's the end, right?  Wrong!  I had a serving of gummi worms (110 cals), a peanut butter and jelly wrap on an 80 cal flour tortilla, a plain flour tortilla, and a glass of Arizona iced tea.  How disgusting is that?!!  that is sooo much food!!!  And I couldn't even stop myself, no matter how hard I tried.  I am beyond disgusted with myself...

And then I just had to do it...I  had to get the food out of me.  I was uncomfortably full and could just feel myself getting fatter the more I let the food sit inside my stomach.  So I went to the bathroom, turned the sink on to cover but the noise, bent over the toilet, and shoved a finger down my throat...Problem?  Nothing happens...I had never purged before.  So I decided to get in the shower and try harder.  And it worked.  Of course I didn't get it all out, but I got some of it out.  I still felt disgusted though...I cannot believe I let myself eat so much food.

So now it's the morning and I need to stay a way from food!  I'm not sure if I'm fasting today or what.  It's supposed to be a 200 cal day but how can I let myself eat anything after last night?  On the bright side, I haven't gained any weight.  I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning.  I was terrified that my binge was going to cost me.  Of course I'm upset that I haven't lost anything since Monday (it's been 3 days!!!) but it's better than gaining...

Just need to type!

I have mixed emotions today...  Let me start from the beginning.

I spent the morning and afternoon making spaghetti sauce for my friend.  I didn't eat anything and was feeling really good about myself.  Then my mom told me she was coming home early from work (at 1:00pm) so around 12:15 I made a peanut butter and jelly wrap on a little flour tortilla.  I took one bite then went outside and put the rest in the garbage bin.  I made sure to put the peanut butter and jelly back in slightly different places and left evidence of the sandwich on the plate (little peanut butter drops and jelly smears) and put the dirty knife in the sink.  My mom smelled the peanut butter when she came home and believed everything!  It was wonderful :D  So I didn't have to worry about her pestering me about eating.

So that's all that I had eaten.  Then, my brother made pigs in a blanket and I couldn't resist eating one...so much for self-control!  Then I had a few pieces of caramel corn...  This is not okay!!  Now my family is thinking of going to Outback for dinner and, if we go, I know I'm going to go waaay over my 100 for the day.  So I was thinking of how to get out of it, and I had it all planned out.  And then my mind started losing it!  All of a sudden I wanted to go to Outback and I wanted to eat the calories and the food...  What is wrong with me?!  All of a sudden I wished so badly to get over the ana...but I know that when I wake up tomorrow they will be back.  So what do I do?!  I can't give in....it's not worth it!  But I know if we go out I am going to....it makes me want to cry.  How can I willingly shovel all of those calories in my mouth when I know it's not what I ultimately want?

I just need help....and support...I don't know what to do anymore!  At least for tonight...tomorrow I will be back.  I will keep counting and restricting calories.  I just don't know how to handle moments like this...

If someone is reading this blog, and I'm starting to think that no one does, if you could just leave a supporting comment.  Anything!  Something nice or supportive or helpful.  Just so I know someone is there...

ABC Diet - Day 4

I managed to skip out on dinner all together!!  I just had a few carrots and that's it.  I'm so proud of myself! I did some thinspo researching (although the most effective thinspo for me isn't pictures, it's sayings and motivational phrases).  And it worked!  I lost my appetite and knew I could stay strong and resist food.  Amazing how quickly my ana and I have become close friends.  I find comfort in her now.  It's strange how she just kind of...takes over.  Anyway, here is my food diary for the day:

• 1/2 Panera Greek Salad (no tomatoes, yucky) - 180
• 1/4 Apple - 60
• Some cheese and crackers - ...? (I HATE not know the calories!!!)
• Some baby carrots

So the total is 240 + ?.  My limit was 400 for today, I think I stayed in that range.  Though you can never be sure when you aren't counting every calorie...

Tomorrow I am making homemade spaghetti sauce and meatballs for my friend.  It's her Christmas present (yes, it's past Christmas but she's my friend from college and we don't really hang out much when we are home, even though we live about 15 minutes from each other.  It's just weird because we both live different lives when we are home).  It shouldn't be hard to keep within my 100 calories for tomorrow.  Overall I'd say I'm doing really well on my ABC Diet!

I've also decided that there is to be NO eating after 8:00pm.  No more late night cravings and light snacking.  It is no longer acceptable.  I'm not going to tell anyone unless they try getting me to eat after 8:00pm.  The less people know about my new eating habits the better, I don't want them to catch on.


On a side note, I was watching The Biggest Loser today with my mom.  Talk about incentive not to eat!!  I can't imagine being that overweight....It makes me sick to think about.  Watching that show encourages me to to keep up my strength and stay away from food.

Need a distraction!

I'm doing okay so far...it's a 400 day and I haven't gone over.  So far I'm at 240 calories...that I know of at least...that was my lunch (I went out with my mom).  But I've also had some cheese and crackers and idk how many calories were in that...I didn't have too many so I'm imagining not much but still!  Unknown calories might as well be 1,000+!!  You never know!!!  Plus, I only burned off 163 calories this morning...I don't have a gym membership and the only work out equipment we have at home is a treadmill.  I nearly made it to 30 minutes but I almost passed out and had to stop.  At the rate I'm going I'll never get to 115 let alone 100!!  I just have 2 more pounds to lose before I reach my next goal of 115.  I just have to keep that in mind.  Positive thoughts!!  Now if only I could get those thoughts away from food...I want sooo badly to go into my kitchen and have a snack.  But I know I can't!  And who knows what dinner will be like...I already told my mom I wasn't hungry so eating light shouldn't be a problem.  Getting past her tomorrow may be more difficult...it's a 100 calorie day.  Oh boy.  I just have to take things one step at a time.

ABC Diet - Day 3

340/300
Okay...so today wasn't quite so successful as the other days...I went over by 40.  And only because my mom brought me caramel corn and I would have felt so bad turning her down.  Mexican Monday didn't end up happening so I didn't go to Moe's, I had some low cal soup instead.  Here's what I had today:

• Select Harvest Savory Chicken and Brown Rice Soup - 120
• 1/2 cup of Cookies and Cream Ice Cream - 120
• 1/2 cup of Boy Scout Caramel Corn - 100

Bringing the grand total to 340.  But, I went significantly under my allotted calories the past two days so I don't feel incredibly guilty about it.  Although I'm extremely disappointed in myself and, therefore, have a new rubber band welt on my arm.  I'm going to force myself to work off 400 calories tomorrow, possibly more so.  I've decided to burn off 10 calories for every 1 calorie that I go over.

Tomorrow is a 400 calorie day and I do NOT plan on going over!!  That would just be unacceptable.

Weigh In!

So I weighed and measured myself this morning!!  Good news!  I'm at 117 lbs :D  Hurray!!!  I'm super excited.  I wasn't expecting that big of a loss, I thought maybe 1 lb.  But I'll take 2!  Haha.  So here are my updated stats:

Weight: 117 lbs
Waist: 25 1/2"
Hips: 33"
Thigh: 18 1/4"
Calf: 12 1/4"
Upper Arm: 9 1/2"
Wrist: 6"


So the ABC Diet is working thus far.  Let's hope it continues to work :D  I still have all of my 300 calories left as of right now.  I'll probably go eat something low cal to jump start my metabolism though (skipping breakfast = bad idea).  But just something small, like a pickle (5 cals) or something.  Some of my friends have Mexican Monday every Monday night where they go eat at a different Mexican restaurant and tonight is Moe's.  I did some heavy research last night on the calorie count for different foods and found some really good, low cal options.  So I'm pretty excited!

Successful first two days!

I'm doing really well so far!  Today marks my second successful day on the ABC Diet!!  Today and yesterday were both 500 or less calorie days.  Yesterday I ate 400 and today I ate around 360!  Yippie!!  Tomorrow is a 300 calorie day so we'll see how I do!  Tomorrow also happens to be a weigh in day.  But, since it's only been two days, I don't expect much of a difference.

Anyway, I realized I never explained what the ABC Diet is.  Basically it's a 50 day diet with a set calorie limit for each day ranging from fasting to 800.  The idea is to keep your body from getting accustomed to a certain calorie intake.  Apparently switching it up is supposed to help you continue to lose weight.  Here is the schedule:

Day 1: 500 or less
Day 2: 500 or less
3: 300
4. 400
5. 100
6. 200
7. 300
8. 400
9. 500
10. Fast
11. 150
12. 200
13. 400
14. 350
15. 250
16. 200
17. Fast
18. 200
19. 100
20. Fast
21. 300
22. 250
23. 200
24. 150
25. 100
26. 50
27. 100
28. 200
29. 200
30. 300
31. 800
32. Fast
33. 250
34. 350
35. 450
36. Fast
37. 500
38. 450
39. 400
40. 350
41. 300
42. 250
43. 300
44. 200
45. 250
46. 200
47. 300
48. 200
49. 150
50. Fast

I may have to switch some of the days to make it easier (like if someone forces me to eat one day I may have to switch a fasting day with something else).  But I'm going to try to stay as close to this as possible.  It shouldn't be too hard, until I get back up to school (like I said before).  I'm really nervous about that...ugh...

Well, it's really late (just about 2:00am here) so I'm going to sleep.  I will post my weigh in results in the morning :D

Starting Stats

Good morning everyone!  It's 1-1-11 so it should be a lucky day!!  Just weighed myself and took my measurements.  A little disappointed by what I saw but it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Though I've gained 2 pounds since I last weighed myself...

Weight: 119lbs
Waist: 26 1/2"
Hips: 33 3/4"
Thigh: 18 3/4"
Calf: 12 1/2"
Upper Arm: 9 1/2"
Wrist: 6"

So those are my stats.  Hopefully they will steadily be getting smaller!  But I am not checking again until Monday January 3rd.  I joined a competition on one of the pro-ana sites I visit and they have weigh ins every Monday and Friday.  The competition is just to lose weight anyway you can.  As you know, I've chosen the ABC Diet.  Well I'm off!  I'll write again soon :D

Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!!  I'm getting ready to go to sleep but realized I haven't posted on here in a couple of days.  In the morning I will weigh and measure myself for my starting stats for the ABC Diet!!  I'm pretty excited to try it out as I've heard a lot of people have achieved great results from it.  I've started planning out each day and have been mentally storing excuses to not eat or to eat certain items.  Hopefully it works out!

I'm just nervous for when I go back up to school...  I leave to go back to college on either January 9th or 10th.  Once I get back up to school this diet is going to be a lot harder.  My two closest friends at school (my sorority Big sister; and my roommate next semester) know about my anorexia and highly disapprove.  They constantly try to force me to eat or convince me that I'm better than this.  My Big also took me to the counseling center at school.  So getting past them is going to be extremely difficult!!  For those of you who don't know what a Big sister is, they are like a mentor.  Someone you can look up to as a role model in the sorority.  Not all Littles are close to their Bigs like I am though.  But this past semester my Big and I got really close!  Anyway, I am living in the sorority house next semester because I was a elected to a position on the executive committee.  So I will be rooming with one of my best friends and my Big is going to be my suite mate...I will be surrounded.  I'm already trying to think of excuses not to eat on fasting days and trying to plan extremely low-cal meals that aren't too obvious for days that are low-calorie.  I just hope I can pull this off...

I really hope the ABC Diet works.  I've been doing a lot of preparing for this diet.  I have the next few days planned out meal wise along with back-up plans incase things don't work out the way I thought they were going to.  It seems like it will all work out!  At least for my remaining time home.  I just wish people would let me deal with my life my way and not be so concerned about my eating habits.  Even though that's kind of what I want...people to care about me...  This is so messed up.  But this is a topic for another time.  I don't feel like getting in to the why and how of my anorexia right now.  I'll explain it all some other time.  After all, you have the right to know.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.  I'll come back on in the morning to post my starting stats!  Goodnight and Happy 2011 :D