Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Almost Too Thin?

No Such thing!

Today I was having a conversation with one of my littles (I have two in my sorority and two in the theatre fraternity) about food.  We were talking about anorexia and stuff.  She knows I've restricted my eating in the past but doesn't know I still do it.  So we were talking about how people make day to day comments about my eating habits and how today a girl told me I'm "so lucky I don't need to eat all the time and can survive without food."  Obviously she didn't understand the weight of her words.  She didn't realize how incredibly triggering that was.  Clearly my not eating is viewed by others as a sign of strength!  My plans to not eat dinner were just finalized.

So my little (we'll call this one J) was saying how people never jump to that conclusion when I make a comment about not eating or being fat.  They either think it's no big deal or that I'm just joking.  For some reason other people think I'm being funny when I say I'm fat.  They don't think I could possibly be serious. But I am!!  Anyway, I told J it's because I don't look like I don't eat so no one worries about it.  And she just stared at me.  So I said it again, "I don't look too thin, I don't look like I don't eat" and she just looked at me and said " are right on the borderline.  If you were any thinner I'd be so worried about you."

Only that had the opposite effect of what she wanted.  She wanted me to go out and get food or something right then.  Or quit restricting altogether.  But no!  She thinks I'm thin!!  I need to keep going. My goal is getting closer and I can't stop now.  I want to be thinner.  I need to be thinner!  And it's going to happen.

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