Conversation Continued

So for those of you who read the last post here is how the conversation panned out:

Me: When did you see it?
Erica: A little while ago
Me: Well, regardless, it's up to you as to whether or not I get it back from you.
Erica: I mean it's yours so if you want it you can have it but I don't think it will help
Me: Well I wouldn't ask you for it if I didn't want it
Erica: Ok you can have it then

Ughh....So clearly she is not happy about this.  I didn't talk to her after that cause I felt weird about it.  She was in my apartment when I got back from rehearsal but we didn't really talk.  We did a little but not like usual.  And, I mean, she was doing homework so maybe that was why.  But it just felt weird and different. Whatever.  Right now I'm not worrying about it.  If things stay awkward then I don't know.  But I have a feeling things will pan out on their own.  She didn't bring the scale back though...wish she had.  I wonder if she is actually going to.

Lent starts tomorrow!  Goodness.  I haven't really finalized what I'm giving up yet.  Possibly Facebook? and I think sweets for sure.  And I want to go to the gym at least 2 times a week.  So really the only one I'm unsure of is the Facebook one.  We'll see how I feel about that later.  Maybe I'll just lessen my time spent on facebook?  I've grown to love my ED profile (Ana Makesme Perfect) and I'm not sure I could give that up all together.

Erica knows I have another scale..

I texted her today and said:
Me: So here's what I've been thinking.  I think I've been doing good and can have my scale back :)
Her: Nope because I know you have another one!
Me: What?
Her: I saw one behind your bed
Me: It's a box
Her: It looked different than the one you had

Well I didn't lie to her.  The one behind my bed is a box.  I just didn't tell her that the scale that came in the box is hidden under my sink covered up by extra towels.  But I need my old scale back!!  This new one is unreliable and changes all the time.  I just want my other one back!!  I'm attached to it in some weird way.  Now how do I finish this convo?  Tell her I have a new scale?  Or keep lying...  I'll let you know how it goes.

First of all: Thank you to everyone who comments on my posts!  Judith Marie, Christina, CreativeEscape, you guys are awesome!  Seeing the comments always makes me day.

I just got back to my apartment after my appointment with Nancy.  It went pretty well.  I was there for 45 minutes, not the whole hour.  We just talked about how my weekend was and everything.  I told her it was pretty stressful since it was tech weekend for the show.  I was there from 2:30pm to 9:00pm on Friday, 10:00am to 7:15pm on Saturday, and then 10:00am to 4:15pm on Sunday.  It was a looong weekend!  It was nice to just sit and talk with her.  It felt like I was just having a conversation with someone who not only let me talk about myself, but encouraged me to keep going.  So refreshing from the conversations I have with my friends who like to talk all about themselves.  Except for last night!  I asked Megg if she would come lay in bed with me for a bit because I was feeling really anxious about my appointment with Nancy and everything.  And she did!  She came and let me cuddle into her and talk to her a bit about how I was nervous.  I felt like such a child cuddling up to her but it's the only thing that can really calm me when I'm that anxious about something.  I wonder why that is...  I told Nancy about it and she said she was really proud that I was able to open up to Megg like that.  I probably should have brought up the cuddle thing.  She'd probably have a field day analyzing that.  But I didn't...  Dang it.  Well there's always next time.  Which I haven't even scheduled yet.  She says I've done a great job this past week handling everything.  We talked about how I've kept myself really busy and how I thrive off of the business and stress and, of course, she said it's because I don't have to deal with or think about anything if there's no time to.  Which is completely correct.  So I'll probably schedule another appointment with her after the show is finished and I've had time not being incredibly busy.

And I also feel a little guilty...  Well, guilty isn't the right word.  But a little bit.  I didn't tell her that I cut on Friday...  So for all she knows, I haven't cut since I spoke with her last.  But, at the same time, I never said that.  Though I did tell her I've been fine...  I don't know.  I probably should have told her.  That's what she's there for.  But I couldn't bring myself to say it!!  And she didn't ask.  Though I kind of figured she wouldn't and that she'd wait till I opened up again.  I think I just sort of regret not telling her.  I don't know.  I'm sure her question of "so how have you been?" should have been answered with an "I'm alright.  I cut again this weekend" instead of "good" but I can't change that now.  I know it's gonna happen again and I also know I'll end up making another appointment.  So that'll be my second chance at answering correctly.  I just hate saying the words out loud.

I have my next appointment with Nancy tomorrow.  Oh goodness...  I wonder if she is going to ask me if I've cut myself since I talked with her.  The honest answer would yes.  Or is she just going to assume/hope I'll let her know if I've cut.  That's not going to happen.  I'm certainly not going to just volunteer that information if she doesn't ask.  But if she asks I'll feel obligated to answer honestly.  Otherwise I'm wasting both of our times.  I can't lie to her.  If telling her the truth doesn't work out for me, I can always stop going.  No one is forcing me.

Speaking of my cuts.  The one I did about two and half weeks ago is itching so much!!!  I know it's because it's healing but I want it to stop!!  Between the itch in that one and the pain in the one on my hip it's driving me crazy.  There's no way these aren't leaving really noticeable scars.  I already have a bunch of scars from cutting and those weren't nearly as deep as these new ones.  Eventually my parents are going to find out.  We go on the boat all the time when I'm home and I can't wear coverups forever.  Maybe I can.  Anyway I'm not thinking about that right now!!  Self Reminder: One step at a time! Don't think too far ahead.  Remember what Nancy said "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time"  You can do this.


Well I'm going to do some more crocheting and then go to bed.  Gym at 8:45am tomorrow :D

I cut again today...

My mom texted me asking if she's ever hit me.  It was such a weird conversation that I have to put it on here.  I was so confused and uncomfortable by the conversation.

Mom - Pregunta: has mommy ever hit you?
Me - What?
Mom - Answer honestly
Me - No.  Unless I've repressed it, haha.  Why?
Mom - Unless you've been drinking.
Me - What?
Me - I haven't
Mom - Aunt Nicole and I are discussing spanking with Daddy.
Me - Oh!  You were making me nervous.  Lol.  What are you guys saying?
Mom - I'm asking if I've ever spanked you.
Me - Oh.  I don't remember.  Maybe?
Mom - Ok.  I say yes.  Daddy doesn't believe me.  It was for your own good and obviously worked!!
Me - I would believe it if you said you had.  I just don't remember it really.  And worked for what?  Haha.  That I'm not a delinquent?
Mom - Yup.  Mission accomplished.  Love you
Me - Love you too
Mom - Gnite.
Me - Night :)

It was an incredibly weird conversation and I just felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable the whole time.  And I ended up cutting...  Two beautiful lines.  One on my left rib cage and the other on my left hip.  Nancy will be interested to hear about that...  The good thing is she told me that she knew it wasn't realistic to expect me not to cut ever again just because I had one appointment with her.  She just wants me to make a note of what's going on in my life at the time I do it.

- Strange text conversation with my mom
- I found out my dad won't be able to come to the play that I'm in....again.  He's always working which is understandable but it still sucks
- It's tech weekend for Lysistrata which is always a stressful time in itself
- The TD (technical director) for Lysistrata has been perpetually mad at me and keeps telling me I'm not doing a good job, no matter how hard I work or how many extra hours I put in!  I was working at the theatre from 2:30pm to 9:00pm today.  In addition to the 9 hours a week I put in ever week, at minimum!  But I'm ME (master electrician) and apparently am not working hard enough.

I think that's about it...  I don't have any tests coming up or large papers due.  I'm not on my period.  I haven't been drinking.  Now for some emotions that I've been feeling recently.

- I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to receive horrible news.  I don't know exactly when it started or why but lately it's all I can think about.  I opened the letter my Gammi (Grandma) sent me, she writes me twice a week, and there was a picture of my Gampi (Grandpa) and I thought she was writing me to say that he passed away.  Really she just wanted me to have a picture.  The conversation with my mom I was convinced she was going to tell me she used to be abusive and I just didn't remember it.  Things like that just take over my mind lately.
- I've been feeling like my friends don't really want me around so I've been sort of distancing myself.  This isn't a new feeling at all.  I constantly feel this way.  Thankfully I've been getting closer to Erica so at least I feel okay around her.  But for some reason with Megg, Kristen, and Andrea I just feel out of place and unwanted.  So I've been pulling away.
- FAT!!  I have disgusting fat all over my body that I need to get rid of.  I purged last night after eating chips and salsa at Chili's because I felt so disgusting.  I wanted to purge tonight after eating pizza but I ate it around 7 and didn't get back to my room till 9:15 so there was no way that would have worked.

I think that's about it.  So that's all I have for now.

Counseling

Well...I did it.  I got through my first hour of counseling today.  It was petrifying!!!  But I have another appointment for next Monday at 3:00pm again.  It felt kind of good to open up and tell her things.  I told her about the cutting and a little about the eating issues.  Though I told her the eating issues were in the past.  So at least she knows that there is a history without me having to deal with recovery for that just yet.  I think I can only handle one recovery at a time.  Plus, I'm not ready to give up my eating patterns.

Nancy, my new counselor, is really nice!  She was really easy to talk to and wasn't judgmental at all.  She even told me she doesn't expect me to never cut again just because I opened up to her.  All she wants is to start the process of recovery.  All she's expecting for now is to start taking note of what triggers the need to cut.  I explained to her the emotions and feelings at the time of cutting but she wants me to start paying attention to more than that.  To take in all the different factors.  After that is when we'll start finding healthier ways of dealing and coping.  She said she's proud that I was able to come to her and tell her.  Even though I only used the word "cut" once during the session, she said she knows it took a lot for me to be able to open up enough to say it just that one time.

I was really shocked that I didn't cry.  I was a nervous wreck all morning before the appointment and though for sure I was going to end up crying.  One time I got really close.  My eyes filled with tears and I could feel myself start to cry, but the feeling passed without having the tears spill onto my cheek.  She said:
"Now I'm going to ask you to do something for me.  And not for long because I don't want to put you through that.  But, put yourself back into the emotions and feelings right before you cut yourself.  Imagine that you're going through it now"  *eyes start filling with tears*  "Now..can you picture a time in the past where you felt this same way?"  And I couldn't...  Other than in high school I couldn't think of a time in my past where I felt that way.  She said it was fine, I didn't have to.  And then we were done with that part.

The session lasted an hour and we covered a lot.  We talked about me, she talked a little about her so I would understand her more, we talked about my family, everything.  It was emotionally and mentally exhausting.  And there were times when I wanted to get up out of my chair, say thanks but I'm done, and walk out of her office.  But I stuck it out and I'm glad I did.  And she was real with me which I really liked.  We were talking about my family and she was asking questions that I didn't always have an answer for and she said:
"That's alright.  We're going to dig stuff  up in here.  And, if you decide to make this a regular thing, there are going to be days when you come in feeling good and you leave feeling worse than when we started.  Because we dig things up so we can deal with them."

Her method is: "It's the same as the story of How Do You Eat an Elephant? ....  One bite at a time!"  It's a daunting, overwhelming task, but we're taking baby steps.  And I think I can handle that.

Counseling Center....

I made an appointment for the counseling center for Monday at 3:00pm.  I've decided I need to get over cutting and self-injury.  I'm absolutely terrified to go!!  I don't know how to tell her...  If anyone has any suggestions on what to say or how to bring it up, please let me know.  Erica said she'd help me but it's always nice to have multiple options and opinions.  Even though this visit is making me incredibly anxious, I know I have to do it...

Thank you Christina and Judith Marie for all your wonderful comments!  Having comments to read is such a great feeling.  It really means a lot.

Well I've got to go to finish getting ready for class and the rest of my day.  It's only 10:15am here.  Refreshingly short post after the last really long one, haha.

Organizing my Thoughts

My thoughts are all jumbled and confused.  I don't know what to do...  I'm apologizing in advance to anyone reading this entry, I make no promises that it won't jump from topic to topic.  So here's what's been on my mind lately:

I psychoanalyze all of my friends.  It's just something I do.  I love to figure out what makes them tick and learn how they think and feel and experience the world.  I'm a very good people reader.  It's one of my few talents.  I just pick up on things really easily.  Unfortunately, once I have a person figured out the dynamic of our relationship changes.  I'm no longer keen on figuring them out, so it's almost as if they've lost their original purpose.  So then I need to switch to a different purpose.  Usually once I have someone figured out I like to open up to them and see if they can be there for me.  Well, I've discovered that I have Megg figured out well and I don't know what to do now...

Megg:
I don't understand her!  Well, that's a lie.  I understand her perfectly.  I don't understand why.  She loves to talk about herself.  And I get it, lots of people do.  But she always claims that she hates to talk about herself and her emotions and her feelings.  But it's such a lie!  That's all we ever talk about.  Anytime I bring something up, the topic has to switch to her.  And it's always that she's done something cooler, or better, or has had a worse experience, and her life is more difficult.  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I used to listen to all of her problems intently and see how they've affected her personality and who she is today.  I would start to offer advice to see the types of things she's willing to listen to and they types of things she wants to hear.  Well now I know all of that.  And she's had some pretty bad experiences.  But the second I try to open up to her about something, she shuts it down.  Last night we spent two hours talking about her and her issues and her feelings and everything about her.  Then I mentioned that I'd been thinking harder about going to counseling.  Her response?  "Have you talked to Erica about it?"  I said "Not yet, I've just been thinking..."  This next response takes the cake: "Well, it's almost two, I'm gonna go try to sleep.  Which means I'll probably play games on my phone for the next hour or so"  Really?!  I spent two fricken hours talking about you!!  And you can't even stay for two minutes when it come to my issues?!  That made me SO upset.  I cried myself to sleep.  And now I don't know what to do.  Part of me has been semi distancing myself from her, but I don't want to lose her as a friend completely.  But it seems like she doesn't care.  And it's the type of thing I can't confront her about...  Guess I'll just have to see how things pan out.

Dream vs. Reality:
It's starting to concern me a bit.  This has only happened the past two nights but the fact that it's been twice in a row is starting to concern me.  Two nights ago I had a dream that this girl Katie told me she likes the guy that I like here at school.  Well yesterday I went to talk to her about it and then thought "wait a minute...I'm fairly certain I just dreamt that..."  No big deal.  That could happen to anyone.  Well, last night I dreamt that I got my period.  And throughout the dream I changed my tampon a few times (sorry if that's TMI for any of you).  When I woke up this morning I was laying in bed for a bit and then thought "Shoot,  need to get up and change my tampon!"  I got up to go to the bathroom to find out that it had just beed a dream.  Okay, so not that weird, it was a realistic dream and no one wants bloody sheets anyway.  But the fact that it was twice in a row was enough for me to start paying attention to it.  Hopefully this doesn't happen more regularly because I don't want to start having to second guess everything!

OCD Tendencies:
My OCD tendencies that I've always viewed as my little quirks are really starting to negatively effect my day to day life.  These are all things I've been dealing with for years but recently I've noticed the extent to which they rule my life.  The fact that I have to stand on the right side of people, not that big of a deal.  It's easy to maneuver to that side of people during a walk.  But when we sit at a table I feel completely disconnected from the group.  I instantly feel the familiar depressive feelings and have this overwhelming desire to be by myself.  Then there's the doing everything evenly.  I have to eat things in even numbers (even pasta noodles) otherwise I can't eat them.  Everything on my body must be even.  If I bump into something or someone taps/hits me and there is a lingering feeling, I have to reproduce the feeling on the other side of my body.  This includes when I'm walking and my heel accidentally drags along the ground, I have to be sure the other foot does the same thing.  It becomes extremely irritating.  Even when I bite one side of my lip I need to do the same to the other side.  Before I know it my whole inside of the bottom lip is raw and chewed up.  All because it has to be "even."  And on sidewalks where there are cement blocks I have to walk the same amount of steps in each box.  Two steps to this one, two in the next.  But they are never spaced to where I can naturally walk like that so I spend my time walking to class, counting out my steps.  Two, two, two, two, three, three, two, two.  Ugh!!!  And, of course, stepping on a crack or bump, or the yellow lines in front of the ramp are out of the question!  And that's not even the beginning of the list!  I'm starting to notice all the anxiety that it causes me and I just want it all to go away!

Counseling:
I want to be able to open up to a counselor about all of these things.  And at night it seems like such a great idea.  They could help me get over all of this!  But then when I think about it during the day, I think it's an awful idea.  I know myself.  I can't just open up to someone about this.  For so many reason. I hate talking about myself, especially in that type of situation.  And I know that's what the counselors are there for but for some reason i can't do it.  I feel like there are so many people who are worse off than I am.  So a) I would be taking time away from people who really need it and b) I don't want to sound like a whining bitch, complaining over nothing at all.  And I've lived over 20 years and I've been fine thus far.  I don't see why I need to go to someone about things I should be able to work out on my own.  And at the same time I know I can't get over these things on my own, I've been trying for years.  I know the benefits of going to counseling but I just don't think I need it.  Right?
And then there's the cutting... I desperately want to be over that.  The past two times I've cut have been really bad and they hurt a lot.  And they don't seem to be scabbing over...  The one on my shoulder I did last Thursday night and it's Tuesday night now.  The one on my ribs was done Saturday night.  I've noticed my cuts are getting worse I really want to stop.  Seems easy enough, right?  Something I should be able to do alone.  But I'm not sure I can...  And then I go back to the thoughts of not being bad off enough to need a counselor.  I'm not suffering from a traumatic experience, nothing horrible is going on in my life.  I should just suck it up!

All of these things, and all the stress from classes, homework, rehearsals, my sorority, and everything else I'm involved in (cause I love keeping myself extremely busy) are draining me.  I'm exhausted, and yet I can't get to sleep at night.  I lay in bed for a few hours each night waiting for sleep to finally take hold.  I just want to get in bed and be asleep within 10 or 15 minutes.  Lack of sleep certainly isn't helping this cycle...  But I know I'll do it all again tomorrow, and the next day.  And it will all just continue.  Maybe one day I'll snap, but I've made it this far.  No one knows what the future will bring.

Finally bought a new scale!  Erica and Megg would be so disappointed if they knew.  Just like they'd be disappointed if they knew I was still cutting.  Good thing they don't know :D  My scale is now carefully hidden in my closet.   Want to know what it said when I stepped on it a few minutes ago?!  129.6!  I finally got out of the 130's!!  So at least I know I'm making progress.  That puts my BMI at 19.7.  I can do this.  I can keep losing weight!

I went to bed super early last night.  Around 9:00pm and didn't wake up till 10:00am.  I'm so emotionally exhausted with everything.  Found out that Erica flew home yesterday.  Without telling anyone.  She just hopped a plane back to Vermont.  Of course she's apparently not talking to us for the next week anyway so whatever.  I haven't spoken to Megg since yesterday after our class got out.  I've been by myself since I left for the gym yesterday morning. 

Went to the gym again this morning.  Did some elliptical and some crunches.  For some reason the elliptical that I used today doesn't tell me I'm burning as many calories as the other one does.  For just as much work as I did yesterday to burn off 300cals I only burned 174 today...it's weird.  Well regardless the only cal intake I've had so far are my Calcium vitamins and my other multi-vitamins.  Each one is 15 cals a for 2 vitamins so I'm at a net intake of -144 so far, and it's 2:10pm.  Currently drinking a Coke Zero then might have an apple.  For anyone who reads this: Do you guys count the calories in fruits and vegetables?  I always do but lately I've been reading that some people don't.  So now I'm just curious as to why you do or do not count those calories...

Downhill Fast

I look like a normal college junior.  Sitting at my desk in my room, hair wet from my recent shower, laptop open, music playing...  Perfectly ordinary.  But that's just the surface.  I've great at portraying a normal twenty-year-old girl.  It's easy.  But for anyone who cares to take a closer look, I'm definitely not normal.  I took a shower after I got back from the gym after burning off 350+ cals to work off the fiber one bar I ate for breakfast.  My laptop is open to my facebook page specifically created to interact with others with eating disorders.  The music playing is "Skinny" by Edith Backlund.  Still think I'm a normal college junior?  Didn't think so...

I just got a text from Erica: Ok your apt with the school counselor is at 3 on Monday.  If you want me to go, let me know.  If you choose not to go, the only thing I ask is that you call and cancel the appointment before

Well, I can't.  I have a class so I'm going to call and cancel.  I told her that and she said to let her know if I cancel or postpone it.  I'm just canceling it.  I don't want to go.  There's no way I am opening up to the school counselor about any of this, it's not worth it, I'm fine!!

There is so much drama going on right now.  I really don't want to get into the details, I don't even understand them all.  But basically my group of friends is going to shit right now....  Megg, Erica, and I are fine.  But one of our other friends is acting really bitchy to Erica and was being bitchy to Megg a few days ago.  It's getting way to overwhelming.  I never thought I'd say this but, I miss not having friends..  When I was in high-school and didn't have friends I hated it.  I was alone all the time but I got used to it. It became a comfort to me to be alone, I didn't have to deal with anxiety I get around people and I didn't have to deal with drama.  Then coming to college I started making friends and loved it for a while.  And I guess I still do.  But it's not worth all this stupid fighting!!  It's stress that I don't know how to handle...  Well, I handle it in my own way.  I cut again last night to release all the anxiety and stress built up.  It's amazing how well that works.   It's almost like the pressure building up in a balloon and then you poke a small hole in it and suddenly there isn't so much pressure.  Then patch the hole and start again.

Well all this drama has apparently caught up to Erica.  She just sent a group text to Megg and me:

Erica: Hey, I'm deciding not to answer my phone for the next week.  Nothing against you guys at all,I just need to do it.  Love you both and I'll talk to you later.

When Megg asked her about it she said "I just need some time away from everything...it's not you guys I promise.  It's just something I have to do for myself."

Then she sent me a personal text saying "I sent that group message but still keep me update on this counseling stuff"  I just want to scream!!!  Is it weird that this is causing me so much stress and anxiety?  And I have no one to talk to about it!!  Okay...so I could talk to the school counselor but I'm not doing that.  I have no idea what to do...and today started out as such a great day!  I had a fiber one bar (140cals) then went to the gym and burned 300cals on the elliptical, did 160 crunches, and ran back to my apartment.  So combined that's over 350cals burned.  And I think I did well on the exam I took this morning.  And now everything is going to downhill....I just have to hope I can get through this.

I'm sitting at my desk, attempting to get some homework done and I just can't seem to concentrate.  I can read the same section over and over again and I still have no idea what I just read.  Something to do with musical theatre during the Great Depression...  So I've chucked that book to the side, pulled up my computer, and decided to update my blog instead.

I woke up this morning at 8:20am so I could hit the gym!  I'm so ready to get back into a concrete exercise routine.  My goal is every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to go to the gym around 8:45am and workout before my 11:00am class.  I burned about 170 at the gym today and then ran back to my apartment from there which burned off another 36 cals.  Not much but it all adds up.  So I burned off 206 cals this morning :D  And my intake thus far?  0!  I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Still no scale so I'm not sure where I'm at.  I started a Valentine's Day challenge on my ana facebook and today was the first day.
DAY 1: Starting Stats
Height - 5'8"
CW - 134 (estimating since I have no scale..)
GW - 125 (that's my goal weight for the end of this challenge, AKA Valentine's Day)