Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

And a very Merry Christmas indeed!  I got some really great gifts from my family, they loved the hand knit gifts I made them, and I got to spend quality time with everyone.  It was really very pleasant.

I'm also pretty sure I've lost weight!  Though I don't really know since there is no scale here....but I will be reunited with my scale soon!  And, for now, I feel smaller.  My gutt doesn't seem as hideous and I just feel tinier.  I wonder how much I weigh...

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Unveiled Secrets

It's official: Ellen has access to this blog.  I sent her the link last night.  At first I was hesitant.  This is the one place that is completely my own.  It holds all my thoughts and feelings and secrets.  So personal.  But then I thought...what do I keep from her?  Nothing.  There isn't anything I don't want her to know if she's willing to listen.  So there you have it.  I guess this means she can read it at her leisure...  I've told her I am going to continue to write on here as if she wasn't reading.  I don't want this blog to change at all.

I picked my brother up from his exam today!  I love doing that.  My brother, Wes, is 17.  Which makes him 4 years younger than me, though we are 5 school years apart.  Regrettably we aren't very close.  We hang out occasionally when I'm home but we know practically nothing about each other.  He had no idea I had seen a psychiatrist until I told him over Thanksgiving break.  And he has no idea why I went.  I wish we were close.  That's what family is supposed to be...right?  People you can tell everything to.  That will always be there.  I don't know.  My family isn't very open like that.  We don't talk about anything.  But I got to spend some time with Wes today.  We hung out for about an hour after we got home and it was really nice.  Then he left to meet some friends for lunch...  So I stayed home and watched TV and crafted.  I don't hang out with anyone here really.  Of course I have Amy, Laura, and Emilie but for some reason we don't really hang out.  I think we're friends because we're supposed to be since we were before we all left for college.  I do love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but it's different.  We don't hang out like we used to.  Hardly at all really.  I'll be happy to go back up to school and see my friends again.

So I realized that I never really talk about anything positive on here.  Let me change that!  Today I found out that I got an A+ on my Senior Research!!!  I am so incredibly happy!!  And actually proud of myself.  I can't believe I did it!  And with an A+ :D  There is nothing negative I can say and am 100% happy and proud about it.

I also just took a bath!  I love taking baths.  They're so soothing.  Of course now my skin is all red, haha.  I take extremely hot baths most of the time.  To the point where touching the water turns your skin red.  But it doesn't hurt, it just feels relaxing.  Either I have sensitive skin or a high pain tolerance.  Or both.  No matter.  I love them none the less.

On to eating...  Goodness.  Yogurt parfait for lunch (mixed berry yogurt, blackberries, special k cereal), and some lo mein for dinner.  And then ice cream later on.  Too much food....  But, there's no way I could get away with eating less.  I don't think my mom cares much.  She asks what I eat, I tell her, and that's the end of it.  Funny how she always has something to say when she thinks I'm eating too much or not healthy enough.  We ordered Chinese the other night and got wonton soup, lo mein, egg rolls, and white rice.  I didn't have any egg rolls because they tasted funny.  But I had everything else.  Of course my mom decided to tell me I was consuming way to many carbs for one meal and should stop.  So I did.  I'm not going to fight her on it, she's right.  Rice and lo mein?  Stick to one.  But it should be the same portion size as if I was having both.  Better make it a little less to be on the safe side.  And that's how meals go when I'm home.  No wonder I constantly worry about portion sizes and what I'm eating.  Thankfully she hasn't touched my stomach yet.  She's done it before.  After we had lunch together one day she pat my stomach to show me it was too big.  Of course she's right, I am too big.  She's my mother, it's her job to tell me when I need to lose weight.  So if I see it and my mom sees it, how come no one else does?

Friday, December 21, 2012

Stick to the Devil you Know

So I cut last night...  Go figure.  Right by my left hip bone.  I needed it.  I needed that release - the pain.  The reminder that I am alive and life is painful.  I was just wishing I was dead....  I don't really understand why I'm alive.  What is the point in it?  I mean really...  Is there an actual point to living?  It all seems so pointless.  We are keeping ourselves busy for no reason.  I don't get it.  But, then again, death scares me.  Which I suppose is the reason I've never had the guts to kill myself.  They say you should stick to the Devil you know.  I guess that's why.

Anyway I'm miserable.  I'm home for the break, away from my apartment, away from school, away from everything.  Most people are thrilled for the break.  I just have so much free time which gives me too much time to think and dwell.  And being back home again makes me feel less independent.  Constantly checking in with my mom when I want to do something or go somewhere.  It's not like that at school, I'm completely in charge of my own life and I don't need to update anyone.  And Ellen isn't here....  That's been hard.  Really hard actually...  I guess I never realized how codependent we are.  I don't even know if it's really codependence or if it's just me depending on her.  Either way she's a huge part of my life and an amazing support system and I need her....  Thank goodness we live in the age of technology because if I didn't have her talking to me until 4am who knows what I would have done.  I went on my rant about the point of life and how I wish I was dead and she talked me through it and helped me tremendously.  She is such an incredible person and I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's my little and my best friend..  I just wish she could be here.

Mostly everything just sucks right now.  I have no desire to eat or doing anything.  I've just been feeling gloomy...  Yesterday didn't eat till dinner and all I ate then was half a can of Progresso soup.  Today I didn't eat till dinner again and I had some left over vegetable lo mein and cheese and crackers.  I wouldn't have even eaten that had Ellen not insisted I eat dinner..  There's no scale in my house.  I don't know if my mom got rid of it or is hiding it but I hate not being able to weigh myself.  But really I just feel fat and have no appetite.

I'm so confused.  I can't keep my thoughts straight.  I don't know what I want or what I'm thinking.  I want to weigh 115, and I don't care how I accomplish that.  I like not eating.  I feel so powerful and beautiful when I'm not eating.  But no one seems to understand that...  Yes, I would be heartbroken if someone I knew was doing this, but that's different.  I don't care.  I don't want recovery for this.  Now the cutting I have mixed feelings on.  The only reason I want to stop is because of the scaring.  I love the cuts and watching them bleed and feeling the pain.  But explaining the scars isn't easy.  So I just don't know what I should do.  I guess I should go back to Dr. Carreno and talk to her about it.  The funny thing is I'm still taking Sertraline.  Clearly that's working wonders for my psychological issues.  Oh well.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Silence the daemons screaming "you're not good enough!  you never have been!!"  Try to drown the voices yelling "no one cares about you, just kill yourself already!"  Fight the urge to cut.  The urge to see the blood.  The urge to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside.  "you're such a baby! grow up and learn to deal with life.  or just end it."

Nothing even happened...  I hate that I feel this way over nothing!  Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great.  I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social.  And all of a sudden it all turned.  Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place...  What is wrong with me?  Apparently everything...  I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me.  It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do.  I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid...  Gahhh  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong.  Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me.  Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth.  I don't know...  I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way.  But I don't think there is.  Probably because it's the truth.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I don't deserve to be here...

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Liebster Blog Award

Wow!  I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Judith Marie!  I'm pretty excited :D  It's been a really rough week...  Before I get into the details of the award, I wanted to let you all know that my Grandpa passed away two nights ago...  I haven't seen him since the beginning of August and I miss him so much!!  I wish I had gotten the chance to see him one last time...  But, I know he's in a better place free of the emphysema.  So at least he doesn't have to suffer through that anymore!  I love Grandpa!!

Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them

Hi everyone!  My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name.  But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty.  I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!!  I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn.  I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes.  I think they are the most attractive thing about someone

Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness...  It would be incredibly different.  I would spend everyday thinking about food.  Weighing myself 3+ times each day.  I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs.  But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love.  Life without an ED would be great!  Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming.  Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first.  Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake.  I think life would be happier...

2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration.  Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures.  It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to.  If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal.  After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs.  But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.

3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult.  I love my dresses!  I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more.  Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly.  It also gives me something that is distinctly mine.  People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.  

4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy!  So many options.  Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations.  In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe.  Like London or somewhere in Italy.  I've always wanted to travel to Europe.

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww..  There are a million body things I would change.  But something not related to my body...  I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything.  I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something.  And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it.  Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind.  I just wish I didn't get upset over everything.  And overthink everything.

6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm.  Sometimes it gets really bad.  Close to suicidal.  Definitely a problem...

7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually.  Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin.  I always was growing up.  So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it.  Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out.  Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal."  And I didn't like that.  I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like.  It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?  Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old.  I don't believe I would ever get another piercing.  Though I won't say never because you never know.  But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic.  I don't have any tattoos.  And I don't believe I would ever get one.  Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere.  Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet.  Being an actress makes tattoos problematic.  Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.

9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot.  To those that don't know: hardly at all.  It definitely hurts those that know about it.  Which I feel terrible about...  They don't want to see me go through this.  And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult.  In those moments when I want recovery.  I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that.  It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery.  Because I fight them on eating.  So to those that know...I am truly sorry!  I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....

10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball!  Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.  

11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom!  That is literally all I want.

My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)

My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Dead Scale

So last night I stepped on my scale: 130.2!  I'm getting better :D  Losing weight!  Yes!!

I wake up this morning and remember the numbers: 130.2  Closer to my goal.  Closer to perfect.  Rubbing my eyes I shuffle to the bathroom.  I'm not fully awake but I need to know.  Tap the edge of the scale and wait for it to wake from it's own slumber.  ... Nothing ...  Tap it again.  ... Still nothing ...  Panic begins to set in.  Someone must have taken the battery.  They don't want me to weigh myself anymore!  Sabotage!!  Quick, grab the scale and flip it over.  The battery flings itself to the floor.  Okay..it just came undone.  Stuff it back in, close the backing, and set it on the floor again.  Tap the edge.  ... Nothing ...  Crap, the battery is dead...  No weighing myself this morning.  Am I still 130.2?  Doubtful...  I could have gained at least 2lbs over night.  Guess I'll never know...  Guess this is just a peak into what the rest of the day will hold.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I don't understand societal views of eating disorders...  I don't think I ever will.  Think of all the celebrities that have received so much negative attention and nasty rumors because it is discovered they have an eating disorder.  And if society feels that way about celebrities...just think of how they feel about everyone else.  Having an eating disorder is not a choice!  I did not wake up one morning and decide "I'm bored...you know what would be fun?  I'm gonna hate my body, let the mirror dictate my life, work out until I feel like I'm gonna fall over, starve myself to the point where standing up makes me feel like I'm going to pass out..  Yea, that's how I'm gonna spend my time."  

Absolutely not!  I cannot tell you how this started, or even why or when.  All I know is that I struggle with it every single day of my life.  I wake up wondering who will win today: me or the anorexia.  I go to sleep knowing I either won or lost.  Knowing that tomorrow I will wake up and fight the battle all over again.

I was thinking about this today for some reason.  I was looking at a picture of a celebrity who had an eating disorder and remembering how much drama surrounded it.  No one felt sorry or concerned really.  It was all negative...like she had done this to herself.  And it made me realize why I could never confide in someone that I have an eating disorder.  Because of the negative attention it gains...  And that's just not right...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Whatever it Takes

I have not weighed myself in two days and it's driving me insane!!  But I'm in Minnesota at my Aunt/Grandparent's house and I have no idea where to find a scale...  On Saturday I'll be home and there will be a scale.  But then Sunday I will have my scale back and all will be well :D  I can't wait.

I just want to lose.  I keep going back and forth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin again.  And right now I just want to be thin.  My cousin, 17 year old boy, is about 6'0" and weighs 135lbs.  I am 5'8" and fluctuate between 130 and 133.  Not okay with me.  I need to lose a lot more than I thought.  I was aiming for 125 but I just need to get to 120.  Ideally I'd love to be 115 but we'll see.  I just need to get there!  Somehow.  Whatever it takes.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving Break


I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days.  Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening.  Then it's back to school Sunday.  What a welcome home it's been.  I was eating dinner with my mom.  She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen.  I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting"  I looked up and just stared.  She knows what I've been through.  Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still!  I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say.  To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?"  So I put my fork down and stopped eating.  ...  For real??  Ughhh....  Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal."  Well f*** that.  Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.

I texted Ellen about it.  She's been a huge support system for me.  Which I feel bad about...  I hate what it's doing to her.  I can tell it makes her upset.  And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her.  I have absolutely no idea...  And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out.  I just want to know what's going through her head.  I talked to her about that the other day.  I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it.  She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for.  Nothing negative.  She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts).  Not gonna lie that hurt a bit.  I know she didn't mean it in a negative way.  But...I don't know.  It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life.  But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.

I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home.  I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting.  I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying.  But I'm still nervous.  She wasn't talkative though...  I'm not sure why.  Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about.  Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things.  Maybe she just didn't know what to say.  Or maybe it's too painful for her.  I have no idea..  I just wish she would confide me!  I'm throwing everything at her.  Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words.  I tell her everything.  I just want a piece of that in return....  Maybe that's too much to ask?

Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today.  She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)"  The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.  That's it.  It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love.  Be more, not less!"

Friday, November 2, 2012

Never Alone

Practically every night since Friday (the night I cut myself) I have not slept alone.  That night Ellen came over, the next night was the ibuprofin night and Ellen and Cassie came over.  Then Sunday night Ellen and Cassie were in my apartment working on homework and, though they didn't stay over, they didn't leave until 4:00am and I went to sleep at 2:00am.  And that's the last night I've slept alone, Ellen and Cassie have been staying with me.  And now it's Friday again.

I love having them spend the night!  But...I feel awful.  Because I know why they're doing it.  They never spent the night this much before.  Although it was often, it wasn't this often.  I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself.  And it makes me feel terrible.  Because I don't want them to stay for that reason.  I don't want to interrupt their lives.  Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating.  I feel like such a burden now.  They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.

I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this.  But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...

Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight.  Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true.  I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day.  Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot.  Which is absolutely true!  But she didn't have to remind me...  I just want to lose this gross fat.  A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face.  Yes yes.  I should appreciate that they care about me.  And I do!  But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...

Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me.  Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me?  Does that mean I'm doing this for attention?  No!  But that terrifies me.  That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me.  But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people?  My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her...  And now I can't get that out of my head.  So sometimes I believe it myself.  That I'm being dumb and an attention whore.  But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Littles to the Resuce

The only reason I'm writing now is to say I'm alive.  I started popping ibuprofine after my last post.  I made it to 8 before Ellen came over.  She brought Cassie, my other little, with her.  The got to my apartment and sat with me in my room for about a minute.  I could tell Ellen had been crying...  She was in her room and we were texting and I was telling her I was upset.  And I was talking to her about how things were just pointless and I didn't know what to do and she said, "Big should I come over?"  I told her she didn't have to.  I felt bad making her come over...  And she insisted on coming over anyway.  So she texted me saying "Don't do anything before I get there"  No response.  She texted again "Pleeeeaasseee"  So I said I wasn't cutting and that I wasn't doing anything right then.  And she asked what I had done before and I told her I took 8 ibuprofin tablets.  So that's why she was crying... because of me...  I felt awful!

Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up.  Which I tried, I really did.  But nothing came up.  Cassie was in the bathroom briefly.  But most of the time she spent in my room.  I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either.  Though that's just the way she handles things.  I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot.  Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who.  But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital.  Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything.  So of course I didn't need to go.  So I gave up trying to throw up.

I'm sure I was a site to see...  Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back.  And then I just started crying.  Sobbing actually.  And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me.  It was the most touching experience.  I felt awful that I was putting her through this...  She just held me like she didn't want to lose me.  How could I be so selfish?

The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried.  It was nice to have them there....  I desperately needed them.  They spent the night which was nice as well.

I apologized to them both.  Which they both said was unnecessary.  But I feel awful...  It's not fair to them for me to put them through this.  They shouldn't have to deal with it.  These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them.  Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone.  Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me.  I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you.  If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you.  No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."
I just want to end my life.  Take a bottle of pills and swallow them all.  Then wait for them to hit and kill me.  Last night I had the same thought, but wanted to slit my wrists.  Which I did but not deep enough to do much damage.  Just blood.

But I'm sitting here wondering what would happen if I took the rest of my sertraline pills tonight...  Or took all 50 tablets of ibuprofen.  It could work...  No one is here.  No one can stop me.  No one but myself.  So here's the question: do I have the guts?

Friday, October 26, 2012

Am I Broken?

Judith Marie!  Thank you so much for commenting!  It always brings me hope when I hear from you.

This morning I weighed 130.  It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow.  But I can't ever skip meals.  And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym.  Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.

Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing).  I really love spending time with him.  Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend.  We'll see if that ever happens.  Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself.  But I can't.  I'm too "old fashioned" for that.  The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.

I think my meds aren't working so well anymore.  Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here.  The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it.  So I'm stuck in a loop in my head.  I don't know what to do...  The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad.  Depressed.  I don't want to do anything or see anyone.  The slightest thing triggers it.  I want to cut so badly!!  I just want the blood and the pain.  But I don't want the scars.  And that is keeping me away from razors.  I've seriously been considering just bruising myself.  Hitting myself with something or running into the wall.  That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar.  But I would be able to see a bruise.

I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently.  Pretty bad ones.  For no real reason either.  So I don't know how to prevent them...  I just text Ellen when they happen.  That way I don't feel completely alone through it.  I do the same thing during my spouts of depression.  Text Ellen.  Reach out and remind myself that she is always there.  For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that.  If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse.  And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone.  I wonder why it's different.  And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me.  My first reaction is to reach out to her.  I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.

Why am I so fucked up?  Surely I am broken...  How else do you explain all of this?

Monday, October 22, 2012

At this rate I'll never be skinny

Gah.  I just want to lose more weight and it's impossible.  I'm never allowed to skip a meal, Ellen makes that impossible.  I really do appreciate what she's doing.  She cares enough about me to get and stay involved and not explode and get angry with me.  But, at the same time, I wish I could get away with skipping meals.  Eating lunch and dinner every single day is driving me crazy.  I'm 131lbs right now and I want to be 125!!  I seriously need to start exercising.  That way I'll be burning more calories.  I just hardly have time in my schedule.  But I have to figure out something...  at this rate I'll never be skinny

Monday, October 8, 2012

This weekend I was house sitting for a family I used to nanny for. It was great to have the weekend to myself! Though I wasn't as productive as I should have been. And I ate more that I should have. The worst part? There was no scale... I couldn't weigh myself at all this weekend. So I will definitely be doing that later today.

I have to head to class but I just wanted to quickly update to let you all know (if anyone still reads this blog) that I'm alive!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Need to Lose!!

I don't even know how to describe today.  I thought I was doing so well...  I didn't eat breakfast, I've stopped doing that completely.  Nobody makes me and I take any chance to skip a meal that I can.  I didn't eat lunch either!  It was the best.  I ended up eating half an apple and some cheese and crackers but not that many.  And then I had a smoothie around 4:30.  And then I was forced to eat an actual dinner...  I ate soup, thankfully only half a can (which is a full serving by the way!)  Ellen was going to make me eat the whole can but there's just no way!  Instead I ate a 100 calorie pack of pretzels.  So, in hindsight, I should have just finished the soup since it's only 90 calories a serving.  Stupid...  But the soup just seemed like so much food.  Anyway, I was pretty content with that.  However, Drew came over and brought us cake and I was forced to eat a slice.  A WHOLE SLICE OF CAKE!!!  Gahhhhh.....  I feel so unbearably fat right now.  I just want it out!  But I can't go throw it up because I currently have three people over who would definitely notice.  This sucks....

On the plus side!  I got Ellen as a little today :D  I'm so excited about that!!  I've wanted her to be my little in the theatre fraternity since I met her working on The Foreigner.  I was actually really nervous that she wouldn't end up being my little.  That she wouldn't even want me to be her big.  But no worries!  She is now :)

Down side:  I will still have to eat tomorrow...  Normally I would just say that eating this much today means fasting tomorrow.  But having people constantly on your back about eating makes that just about impossible.  Unless I want Ellen to have a fasting day as well which I am definitely not okay with.  So somehow I need to get away with eating small amounts of really low calorie foods.  However, she doesn't just care about me eating.  She cares what I am eating and how much I am eating.  So it makes it difficult to get away with anything.  I just wish people made it easier for me.  Can't they see I just need to lose this awful fat??  I weight entirely too much and need to keep losing.  

Anyway, this entry is getting a bit long so I'll stop it here and update again soon.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Slowly Dropping Weight

I can't believe Judith Marie got rid of her blog....  I was gone for so long that I completely missed it.  I'm definitely going to miss having her on here.  She was such a support through all of this.

Weight Update:  I am officially 130.8 lbs  I'm so excited about that!  For now my goal is 125, then 120, then 115.  I haven't decided if I want to stay at 115 or go down to 110.  But, one step at a time.  I have my sights set on 125 :D

Ellen is making it difficult...  She has decided that she's not going to eat if I'm not eating.  I love her to death and it pains me to think she would stop eating.  She doesn't deserve that at all...  So I eat so that she'll eat.  Though I try to get away with eating as little as possible since it is also paining me to eat.  I'm so conflicted!  I know she's just trying to help because she cares about me.  But I just wish she'd let me not eat.  Not even completely stop, just eat very minimally.  Like, an apple a day or something.  Anyway, the road to weight loss will be slow since she's monitoring my food intake.  And I've promised not to lie to her about anything.  I will tell her if I'm not eating.  Trust is a big thing for me and I just can't lose that.

My collar bones and hip bones are helping to motivate me!  At 5'8" and 130.8 lbs they are slightly more noticeable than before.  Not too much, no one should be alarmed yet.  But I love them!  And I can't wait to be able to see more of them.  Is that bad?  I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose "too much" weight.  Too many people that I'm close to know about my eating disorder and cutting so they are quick to jump on me if they think the slightest thing is going wrong.  Especially since I'm trying to stop eating right now.  Everything is pushing me to eat.  What they don't seem to realize is it's not going to help.  They may force food down my throat but it won't change my mindset.  It won't change the fact that I look in the mirror or down at my body and see gross fat hanging from my bones.  It won't stop me from thinking I'm not good enough.  This is something that I need to get through.

I have boy things to update you all on!  I am currently seeing a fantastic guy!  He's not my boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure we're exclusively dating.  He really is great.  We go out to dinner, play putt putt, watch movies, and just hang out.  I have so much fun when I'm with him.  I'm actually going over to his house in about 30 minutes.  So I should go get ready.  I'll update more soon!

Monday, September 24, 2012

I'm Back!

Goodness...  It has been so long since my last post.  I've been fighting so hard for recovery and have lost it all.  Quick update:

Things with my mom got a lot better.  She still thinks it's unnecessary for me to see a psychiatrist and be taking medication (I'm currently taking Sertraline).  But at least she doesn't openly talk about her disapproval much anymore.

I'm back at school and haven't seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or anyone since I left home.  I really need to get on that...

I have completely lost all desire to eat.  I just don't want to anymore.  It's not like I need to.  I'm down to 132 and just want to keep losing.  Unfortunately it's harder to hide because the people that know about my past experiences are so worried that I'll fall victim to the eating disorder again.  Though I've realized it never really left, I just got good at ignoring it.  And now I remember what's it like and am wondering why I ever gave it up.

I want to get back down to 115.  Then possibly 110.  No smaller than that.  I just want to be thin and beautiful.

I've cut a few times recently as well.  I just love the blood...  And the pain.  It hasn't been deep.  The last thing I need is more scars to explain.  Just enough to satisfy my need.

Well that's really all I have to say for now..  I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long.  I'll definitely try to update more frequently

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Teresa vs. Nancy

I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  Teresa.  She's really nice and I liked her a lot.  But it felt so...weird.  Oddly professional.  With Nancy it always felt so conversational.  With Teresa it's different.

Entering through the backdoor of the counseling center I step into a small waiting room just outside of the administrative assistants office.  A slightly overweight blonde hands me some paper work for me to fill out while I wait for Nancy to be ready.  After filling it out I sit on a bench made comfortable with small pillows until Nancy comes to get me.  Then I follow her up the cute staircase and to her office, tucked in the back corner.  The door opens to reveal a quaint, cozy office with her desk and a corner with two comfortable arm chairs and a rocking chair.  We each take an armchair and proceed with our session.  She lays back in her chair, relaxed and we just talk.

Maybe one or two cars pass by the building as I sit in my car for 10 minutes, gathering the courage to enter the side door of this new psychiatrists building.  Finally I enter the building and find myself in an empty hallway with so many doors.  How many doors are there?  Ten at least.  And gathering by the stairway to my left there are just as many doors upstairs.  Long, thin hallway where only one person could fit comfortably.  Where do I go?  A glass window stands in front of me.  Do I knock?  But where do I wait while filling out paper work.  Better head upstairs.  Nothing up there but doors....better head back to the glass window.  I tap on it lightly...what if I'm not supposed to tap on the glass?  My doctors office has a sign asking you not to.  But I don't see a sign.  Great no one is answering...Now wh...Oh!  A short, petit brunette slides open the window and asks if I'm a new patient.  Yes.  I'm handed a clipboard and blue pen with a tip that's way to thick for my liking.  Oh well...  The woman directs me to the first door on my left labeled "Waiting Room"  Ahh, so that's where I wait.  Opening the door I think it's more of a closet or cupboard under the stairs rather than an actual room.  A long couch and three armchairs sit waiting for me.  I sit in a chair and fill out the paper work and wait for Teresa.  She arrives just as I'm finishing filling everything out.  We head to the last door on the right side of the hallway.  We can't even stand next to her.  I'm just following.  Her office is huge!  Three different seating areas await us.  She directs me to the black leather couch in the back corner telling me it's the most comfortable.  Her seat?  A desk chair directly in front of me.  She comes equipped with a clipboard and pen.  For what?  Is she really going to take notes on me?  *Sigh*...  We proceed with the session.  And, surprisingly, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable as I was expecting.  Yes, she's jotting down notes.  But she's paying attention and attempting to understand.  She's taking notes to keep track of what I'm saying.  She'll probably analyze it later.  Can't wait to see what she thinks is wrong with me.  She asks me questions about myself and asks me to clarify.  She builds on what I say and seems so interested in understand me.  She seems genuine.  I like her.

My next appointment is on Monday, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I'm interested to see what happens now that she's had time to review her notes.  I wonder what's in those notes...what did she put on that clipboard of her.  She filled up three pages of notes during our session...what did she fill those pages with??

Wednesday I have a doctors appointment.  My last (I'm fairly certain) with my pediatrician.  I have to graduate to an adult doctor now.  But anyway, she wants to do blood work.  She wants to check my thyroid and check other chemical factors that could be attributed to anxiety and depression.  My phobia of needles is going to make this all the more fun...not.  Oh well, just gonna have to suck it up and deal.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

So I told my mom yesterday... ughhhh.  She was really shocked when I told her, which I was expecting.  Then she asked to see the scars which was awful.  I didn't show her all of them but showed her a few.  Basically, to the sum up the conversation, she told me it was stupid and I wasn't accomplishing anything by it (gee, thanks mom, I had no idea).  She also asked if I was just doing this for the attention.  Yes.  I kept it hidden for so long because I wanted the attention -_-

AHHHH!!!!  (That was me screaming, lol).  I understand that she wasn't expecting it but still.  The way she reacted made me feel even more awful about it and myself.  And when she asked if I had ever done anything else self-destructive I told her I used to have an eating disorder and wasn't eating enough.  She said "Like anorexia?" I said "yes" and her response was "But you never got too thin."   UGHHHH!!!  MOTHER!!!  What kind of a reaction is that??  Yes, it is difficult to understand when you aren't the one going through it.  But still.  So now I don't know what to do.  I told her I wanted to see someone while I was home and she asked me who I wanted to see.  Well mom, I don't know.  This is why I'm coming to you!!  So now I don't know if I need to look into this for myself or if she is going to help me.  And now being in my house is just awkward.  She also told my dad but he hasn't said anything to me about it.

I have no idea what I'm doing....

Friday, May 11, 2012

I'm telling my mom about my cutting tomorrow.  Hopefully that is...

I met with Nancy a few days before coming home for summer (I came home today and met with Nancy about three days ago) to talk to her about how to tell my parents.  They are going to find out eventually.  With the amount of scars I have and the amount of times we go on the boat over the summer.  Plus I think they need to know.

Nancy told me she wants me to see a counselor while I'm home for the summer and she strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I'm absolutely terrified to tell my mom...  I have it written out in a letter and will either read it to her or just hand it to her tomorrow depending on how I feel.  I'll probably end up handing it to her.  Either way is going to result in extremely high levels of anxiety that I'm not sure I could handle...  I'm nervous I won't tell her at all.

Here's what I have written as of now:


I think this is the most difficult thing I have ever and will ever try to write.  It could also be the most important.  I had to write it down because I wanted to be sure I included everything which I wouldn't have been able to do just talking to you.

I started going to the counseling center at school and talking to Nancy.  I've been having a lot of issues with anxiety and feelings of depression.  But what really prompted my decision to go was something different.  I've been cutting myself.

This is definitely not something I'm proud of and it's extremely difficult to tell you.  I don't want you to be upset or disappointed.  And, most importantly, I don't want you to blame yourself!  I really want to move past this and get better.  Nancy believes I should see a counselor while I'm home for the summer until I go to Ohio and then again when I come back.  She also strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I hope you'll support me in trying to recover and will help me find someone to go to.

I love you so much and need your help/support."

Hopefully I'll be able to give this to her tomorrow...  I really do need the help and want her support.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Life has been unbelievably hectic here and I've barely had enough time to breath let alone update my blog. On the plus side, busy schedule = no time to think about my issues so I've been in a relatively good mood every day.  Saturday night I cut again.  My wrists like an idiot.  And there were a lot of people over which just wasn't a smart move on my part.  I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk, oh well.  I cut lightly over two of my veins.  Not deep enough to cut them, just enough to produce blood.  I'm progressively getting more and more daring when I cut.  Either I cut deeper in an area where I can't see a vein, or I cut directly on top of a vein.  Always too frightened to cut into one just incase.  But I'm wondering how long it will take before my curiosity outdoes my fear.  Only time will tell.

Eating has been relatively normal.  I'm a fat cow and learning to cope with it.  Haven't weighed in forever but I'm guessing I'm around 135 or 140.  Nothing is too loose on me now which I'm not happy with.  But, again, I'm learning to deal with that.

Well I have a lot of homework to get done before dress rehearsal tonight so I'm going to end my post here!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cut again!  I want the blood.  I need the blood..  Right now I'm curious as to how long it takes to bleed out if you slit your wrists.  I don't want to kill myself.  That isn't my goal.  Right now I just want to end up in the hospital.  I really think that's the only way I'm going to get over any of this shit.  But I don't want to die trying.  Now you all probably think I'm some fake bitch who is only doing this for attention.  Well fuck anyone who thinks that!  I'm sorry...I'm in such an awful mood today.  It's just been horrible.

In one of my classes one girl had the audacity to say that people who don't eat are doing it for selfish reasons to better themselves.  Fuck you!!!  I don't have an eating disorder because it makes me feel happy inside!  Ughhh...  I hate ignorant people!  And on top of that I'm going through stupid drama with some people who used to be my friends.  And I'm having my usually feelings of self-hatred and the paranoia that everyone around me wishes I were dead.  I just don't know what to do at this point...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Shout out to Judith Marie for her lovely comments <3  They are always super appreciated.  No worries, I won't get super into laxatives.  I took two Thursday night and they kicked it 8.5 hours later, I took two Saturday night and they didn't do anything all day so I took three Sunday night and they worked great!  Now I don't wanna take them again for a while.

Things are going pretty well back at school.  Woke up at 7:30am this morning to go to the gym and run on the treadmill and do some ab workouts.  I still feel incredibly fat...but I'm eating healthier and the giving up sweets for lent was the greatest decision ever.  Now being around super sweet food makes me feel sick.

Anyway, this was just a quick update.  I just finished a psychology power point for my presentation tomorrow and now I'm gonna go to bed.  Love you all!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Beach today was a success!!  Laura and I talked about the scars and my cutting.  I told her about Nancy and everything.  I told her that Megg and Erica both know.  How Erica took my x-acto knife and scale and then I bought more.  I even told her how Megg found out...about her walking into my room and seeing my wrist that night I feel asleep.  It was nice.  She is always really easy to talk to about things like that.  No judgement, no anger, just support and understanding.  It's almost like having a buddy who does it, but better.  Because I know she isn't hurting herself.

Unfortunately, I'm burnt as heck.  My whole body.  Mostly my face though.  And even that is only one side since I spent the whole time talking with Laura and my face was turned.  I have no plans to be in the sun till Sunday at Universal Studios though.  It's not an awful burn on my body.  No extreme pain which is good.  I just hope I'm tan once the burn goes away, haha.

And I bought laxatives today for the first time!  I've been having a tough time...well...I could write out the TMI version but I'm just not going to.  These laxatives will just help with that plus it'll cleanse my system.  I bought the CVS brand called "Gentle Laxative Bisacodyl USP" so we'll see how that works.  I'm about to take two tablets (the recommended dosage is between 1 and 3) and then go to sleep.  It says to "expect results in 8-12 hours if taken at bedtime" so that's sometime between 9:00am tomorrow morning and 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon.  We'll see when it hits...

Anyway, just wanted to update you all and let you know life is good!  I've only got a little bit left being home for spring break.  I have all day tomorrow and then I drive back up to school Saturday morning so I've got lots of cleaning and shopping left to do before I go back.  I plan to update again on Monday just because I know I'll be busy till then.  But who knows, maybe I'll pop back on for a brief update before that.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

F**k the Bullsh*t

I'm fat, ugly, stupid...what's the point?

I feel so absolutely gross right now.  Haven't cut in over a week.  The anxiety is just building up and I really need to do it again...  But I'm home for Spring Break and it's harder to get away with here.  Especially since I'm going to the beach in two days..  Gonna have to explain the cuts to Laura.  At least it's just gonna be the two of us and she knows I've cut in the past, telling her won't be entirely too difficult.  Plus, who gives a shit if people know?  What are they gonna do?  Nothing.  They can't do anything!!  Lock me up?  Force me into therapy?  I'm 20 fricken years old.  Good luck forcing me to do anything.

I'm watching Girl Interrupted right now.  Strangely it's fairly triggering.  Filled with crazy people.  Including people with EDs.  I've yet to see a self-harmer but whatever.  Triggering for both none the less.  I'm so over pretending I'm fine.  If my friends wanna know I cut, so be it.  If they wanna know I don't eat, go ahead.  It's who I am.  I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last December and it makes me physically ill to think about.  Hiding it just makes me gain weight and I don't want that!  I'm not gonna let my parents know or anything.  But I'm not going to great lengths to hide it from my "friends."  They don't do anything anyway.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Conversation Continued

So for those of you who read the last post here is how the conversation panned out:

Me: When did you see it?
Erica: A little while ago
Me: Well, regardless, it's up to you as to whether or not I get it back from you.
Erica: I mean it's yours so if you want it you can have it but I don't think it will help
Me: Well I wouldn't ask you for it if I didn't want it
Erica: Ok you can have it then

Ughh....So clearly she is not happy about this.  I didn't talk to her after that cause I felt weird about it.  She was in my apartment when I got back from rehearsal but we didn't really talk.  We did a little but not like usual.  And, I mean, she was doing homework so maybe that was why.  But it just felt weird and different. Whatever.  Right now I'm not worrying about it.  If things stay awkward then I don't know.  But I have a feeling things will pan out on their own.  She didn't bring the scale back though...wish she had.  I wonder if she is actually going to.

Lent starts tomorrow!  Goodness.  I haven't really finalized what I'm giving up yet.  Possibly Facebook? and I think sweets for sure.  And I want to go to the gym at least 2 times a week.  So really the only one I'm unsure of is the Facebook one.  We'll see how I feel about that later.  Maybe I'll just lessen my time spent on facebook?  I've grown to love my ED profile (Ana Makesme Perfect) and I'm not sure I could give that up all together.
Erica knows I have another scale..

I texted her today and said:
Me: So here's what I've been thinking.  I think I've been doing good and can have my scale back :)
Her: Nope because I know you have another one!
Me: What?
Her: I saw one behind your bed
Me: It's a box
Her: It looked different than the one you had

Well I didn't lie to her.  The one behind my bed is a box.  I just didn't tell her that the scale that came in the box is hidden under my sink covered up by extra towels.  But I need my old scale back!!  This new one is unreliable and changes all the time.  I just want my other one back!!  I'm attached to it in some weird way.  Now how do I finish this convo?  Tell her I have a new scale?  Or keep lying...  I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, February 20, 2012

First of all: Thank you to everyone who comments on my posts!  Judith Marie, Christina, CreativeEscape, you guys are awesome!  Seeing the comments always makes me day.

I just got back to my apartment after my appointment with Nancy.  It went pretty well.  I was there for 45 minutes, not the whole hour.  We just talked about how my weekend was and everything.  I told her it was pretty stressful since it was tech weekend for the show.  I was there from 2:30pm to 9:00pm on Friday, 10:00am to 7:15pm on Saturday, and then 10:00am to 4:15pm on Sunday.  It was a looong weekend!  It was nice to just sit and talk with her.  It felt like I was just having a conversation with someone who not only let me talk about myself, but encouraged me to keep going.  So refreshing from the conversations I have with my friends who like to talk all about themselves.  Except for last night!  I asked Megg if she would come lay in bed with me for a bit because I was feeling really anxious about my appointment with Nancy and everything.  And she did!  She came and let me cuddle into her and talk to her a bit about how I was nervous.  I felt like such a child cuddling up to her but it's the only thing that can really calm me when I'm that anxious about something.  I wonder why that is...  I told Nancy about it and she said she was really proud that I was able to open up to Megg like that.  I probably should have brought up the cuddle thing.  She'd probably have a field day analyzing that.  But I didn't...  Dang it.  Well there's always next time.  Which I haven't even scheduled yet.  She says I've done a great job this past week handling everything.  We talked about how I've kept myself really busy and how I thrive off of the business and stress and, of course, she said it's because I don't have to deal with or think about anything if there's no time to.  Which is completely correct.  So I'll probably schedule another appointment with her after the show is finished and I've had time not being incredibly busy.

And I also feel a little guilty...  Well, guilty isn't the right word.  But a little bit.  I didn't tell her that I cut on Friday...  So for all she knows, I haven't cut since I spoke with her last.  But, at the same time, I never said that.  Though I did tell her I've been fine...  I don't know.  I probably should have told her.  That's what she's there for.  But I couldn't bring myself to say it!!  And she didn't ask.  Though I kind of figured she wouldn't and that she'd wait till I opened up again.  I think I just sort of regret not telling her.  I don't know.  I'm sure her question of "so how have you been?" should have been answered with an "I'm alright.  I cut again this weekend" instead of "good" but I can't change that now.  I know it's gonna happen again and I also know I'll end up making another appointment.  So that'll be my second chance at answering correctly.  I just hate saying the words out loud.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I have my next appointment with Nancy tomorrow.  Oh goodness...  I wonder if she is going to ask me if I've cut myself since I talked with her.  The honest answer would yes.  Or is she just going to assume/hope I'll let her know if I've cut.  That's not going to happen.  I'm certainly not going to just volunteer that information if she doesn't ask.  But if she asks I'll feel obligated to answer honestly.  Otherwise I'm wasting both of our times.  I can't lie to her.  If telling her the truth doesn't work out for me, I can always stop going.  No one is forcing me.

Speaking of my cuts.  The one I did about two and half weeks ago is itching so much!!!  I know it's because it's healing but I want it to stop!!  Between the itch in that one and the pain in the one on my hip it's driving me crazy.  There's no way these aren't leaving really noticeable scars.  I already have a bunch of scars from cutting and those weren't nearly as deep as these new ones.  Eventually my parents are going to find out.  We go on the boat all the time when I'm home and I can't wear coverups forever.  Maybe I can.  Anyway I'm not thinking about that right now!!  Self Reminder: One step at a time! Don't think too far ahead.  Remember what Nancy said "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time"  You can do this.

Well I'm going to do some more crocheting and then go to bed.  Gym at 8:45am tomorrow :D

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I cut again today...

My mom texted me asking if she's ever hit me.  It was such a weird conversation that I have to put it on here.  I was so confused and uncomfortable by the conversation.

Mom - Pregunta: has mommy ever hit you?
Me - What?
Mom - Answer honestly
Me - No.  Unless I've repressed it, haha.  Why?
Mom - Unless you've been drinking.
Me - What?
Me - I haven't
Mom - Aunt Nicole and I are discussing spanking with Daddy.
Me - Oh!  You were making me nervous.  Lol.  What are you guys saying?
Mom - I'm asking if I've ever spanked you.
Me - Oh.  I don't remember.  Maybe?
Mom - Ok.  I say yes.  Daddy doesn't believe me.  It was for your own good and obviously worked!!
Me - I would believe it if you said you had.  I just don't remember it really.  And worked for what?  Haha.  That I'm not a delinquent?
Mom - Yup.  Mission accomplished.  Love you
Me - Love you too
Mom - Gnite.
Me - Night :)

It was an incredibly weird conversation and I just felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable the whole time.  And I ended up cutting...  Two beautiful lines.  One on my left rib cage and the other on my left hip.  Nancy will be interested to hear about that...  The good thing is she told me that she knew it wasn't realistic to expect me not to cut ever again just because I had one appointment with her.  She just wants me to make a note of what's going on in my life at the time I do it.

- Strange text conversation with my mom
- I found out my dad won't be able to come to the play that I'm in....again.  He's always working which is understandable but it still sucks
- It's tech weekend for Lysistrata which is always a stressful time in itself
- The TD (technical director) for Lysistrata has been perpetually mad at me and keeps telling me I'm not doing a good job, no matter how hard I work or how many extra hours I put in!  I was working at the theatre from 2:30pm to 9:00pm today.  In addition to the 9 hours a week I put in ever week, at minimum!  But I'm ME (master electrician) and apparently am not working hard enough.

I think that's about it...  I don't have any tests coming up or large papers due.  I'm not on my period.  I haven't been drinking.  Now for some emotions that I've been feeling recently.

- I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to receive horrible news.  I don't know exactly when it started or why but lately it's all I can think about.  I opened the letter my Gammi (Grandma) sent me, she writes me twice a week, and there was a picture of my Gampi (Grandpa) and I thought she was writing me to say that he passed away.  Really she just wanted me to have a picture.  The conversation with my mom I was convinced she was going to tell me she used to be abusive and I just didn't remember it.  Things like that just take over my mind lately.
- I've been feeling like my friends don't really want me around so I've been sort of distancing myself.  This isn't a new feeling at all.  I constantly feel this way.  Thankfully I've been getting closer to Erica so at least I feel okay around her.  But for some reason with Megg, Kristen, and Andrea I just feel out of place and unwanted.  So I've been pulling away.
- FAT!!  I have disgusting fat all over my body that I need to get rid of.  I purged last night after eating chips and salsa at Chili's because I felt so disgusting.  I wanted to purge tonight after eating pizza but I ate it around 7 and didn't get back to my room till 9:15 so there was no way that would have worked.

I think that's about it.  So that's all I have for now.

Monday, February 13, 2012


Well...I did it.  I got through my first hour of counseling today.  It was petrifying!!!  But I have another appointment for next Monday at 3:00pm again.  It felt kind of good to open up and tell her things.  I told her about the cutting and a little about the eating issues.  Though I told her the eating issues were in the past.  So at least she knows that there is a history without me having to deal with recovery for that just yet.  I think I can only handle one recovery at a time.  Plus, I'm not ready to give up my eating patterns.

Nancy, my new counselor, is really nice!  She was really easy to talk to and wasn't judgmental at all.  She even told me she doesn't expect me to never cut again just because I opened up to her.  All she wants is to start the process of recovery.  All she's expecting for now is to start taking note of what triggers the need to cut.  I explained to her the emotions and feelings at the time of cutting but she wants me to start paying attention to more than that.  To take in all the different factors.  After that is when we'll start finding healthier ways of dealing and coping.  She said she's proud that I was able to come to her and tell her.  Even though I only used the word "cut" once during the session, she said she knows it took a lot for me to be able to open up enough to say it just that one time.

I was really shocked that I didn't cry.  I was a nervous wreck all morning before the appointment and though for sure I was going to end up crying.  One time I got really close.  My eyes filled with tears and I could feel myself start to cry, but the feeling passed without having the tears spill onto my cheek.  She said:
"Now I'm going to ask you to do something for me.  And not for long because I don't want to put you through that.  But, put yourself back into the emotions and feelings right before you cut yourself.  Imagine that you're going through it now"  *eyes start filling with tears*  "Now..can you picture a time in the past where you felt this same way?"  And I couldn't...  Other than in high school I couldn't think of a time in my past where I felt that way.  She said it was fine, I didn't have to.  And then we were done with that part.

The session lasted an hour and we covered a lot.  We talked about me, she talked a little about her so I would understand her more, we talked about my family, everything.  It was emotionally and mentally exhausting.  And there were times when I wanted to get up out of my chair, say thanks but I'm done, and walk out of her office.  But I stuck it out and I'm glad I did.  And she was real with me which I really liked.  We were talking about my family and she was asking questions that I didn't always have an answer for and she said:
"That's alright.  We're going to dig stuff  up in here.  And, if you decide to make this a regular thing, there are going to be days when you come in feeling good and you leave feeling worse than when we started.  Because we dig things up so we can deal with them."

Her method is: "It's the same as the story of How Do You Eat an Elephant? ....  One bite at a time!"  It's a daunting, overwhelming task, but we're taking baby steps.  And I think I can handle that.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Counseling Center....

I made an appointment for the counseling center for Monday at 3:00pm.  I've decided I need to get over cutting and self-injury.  I'm absolutely terrified to go!!  I don't know how to tell her...  If anyone has any suggestions on what to say or how to bring it up, please let me know.  Erica said she'd help me but it's always nice to have multiple options and opinions.  Even though this visit is making me incredibly anxious, I know I have to do it...

Thank you Christina and Judith Marie for all your wonderful comments!  Having comments to read is such a great feeling.  It really means a lot.

Well I've got to go to finish getting ready for class and the rest of my day.  It's only 10:15am here.  Refreshingly short post after the last really long one, haha.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Organizing my Thoughts

My thoughts are all jumbled and confused.  I don't know what to do...  I'm apologizing in advance to anyone reading this entry, I make no promises that it won't jump from topic to topic.  So here's what's been on my mind lately:

I psychoanalyze all of my friends.  It's just something I do.  I love to figure out what makes them tick and learn how they think and feel and experience the world.  I'm a very good people reader.  It's one of my few talents.  I just pick up on things really easily.  Unfortunately, once I have a person figured out the dynamic of our relationship changes.  I'm no longer keen on figuring them out, so it's almost as if they've lost their original purpose.  So then I need to switch to a different purpose.  Usually once I have someone figured out I like to open up to them and see if they can be there for me.  Well, I've discovered that I have Megg figured out well and I don't know what to do now...

I don't understand her!  Well, that's a lie.  I understand her perfectly.  I don't understand why.  She loves to talk about herself.  And I get it, lots of people do.  But she always claims that she hates to talk about herself and her emotions and her feelings.  But it's such a lie!  That's all we ever talk about.  Anytime I bring something up, the topic has to switch to her.  And it's always that she's done something cooler, or better, or has had a worse experience, and her life is more difficult.  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I used to listen to all of her problems intently and see how they've affected her personality and who she is today.  I would start to offer advice to see the types of things she's willing to listen to and they types of things she wants to hear.  Well now I know all of that.  And she's had some pretty bad experiences.  But the second I try to open up to her about something, she shuts it down.  Last night we spent two hours talking about her and her issues and her feelings and everything about her.  Then I mentioned that I'd been thinking harder about going to counseling.  Her response?  "Have you talked to Erica about it?"  I said "Not yet, I've just been thinking..."  This next response takes the cake: "Well, it's almost two, I'm gonna go try to sleep.  Which means I'll probably play games on my phone for the next hour or so"  Really?!  I spent two fricken hours talking about you!!  And you can't even stay for two minutes when it come to my issues?!  That made me SO upset.  I cried myself to sleep.  And now I don't know what to do.  Part of me has been semi distancing myself from her, but I don't want to lose her as a friend completely.  But it seems like she doesn't care.  And it's the type of thing I can't confront her about...  Guess I'll just have to see how things pan out.

Dream vs. Reality:
It's starting to concern me a bit.  This has only happened the past two nights but the fact that it's been twice in a row is starting to concern me.  Two nights ago I had a dream that this girl Katie told me she likes the guy that I like here at school.  Well yesterday I went to talk to her about it and then thought "wait a minute...I'm fairly certain I just dreamt that..."  No big deal.  That could happen to anyone.  Well, last night I dreamt that I got my period.  And throughout the dream I changed my tampon a few times (sorry if that's TMI for any of you).  When I woke up this morning I was laying in bed for a bit and then thought "Shoot,  need to get up and change my tampon!"  I got up to go to the bathroom to find out that it had just beed a dream.  Okay, so not that weird, it was a realistic dream and no one wants bloody sheets anyway.  But the fact that it was twice in a row was enough for me to start paying attention to it.  Hopefully this doesn't happen more regularly because I don't want to start having to second guess everything!

OCD Tendencies:
My OCD tendencies that I've always viewed as my little quirks are really starting to negatively effect my day to day life.  These are all things I've been dealing with for years but recently I've noticed the extent to which they rule my life.  The fact that I have to stand on the right side of people, not that big of a deal.  It's easy to maneuver to that side of people during a walk.  But when we sit at a table I feel completely disconnected from the group.  I instantly feel the familiar depressive feelings and have this overwhelming desire to be by myself.  Then there's the doing everything evenly.  I have to eat things in even numbers (even pasta noodles) otherwise I can't eat them.  Everything on my body must be even.  If I bump into something or someone taps/hits me and there is a lingering feeling, I have to reproduce the feeling on the other side of my body.  This includes when I'm walking and my heel accidentally drags along the ground, I have to be sure the other foot does the same thing.  It becomes extremely irritating.  Even when I bite one side of my lip I need to do the same to the other side.  Before I know it my whole inside of the bottom lip is raw and chewed up.  All because it has to be "even."  And on sidewalks where there are cement blocks I have to walk the same amount of steps in each box.  Two steps to this one, two in the next.  But they are never spaced to where I can naturally walk like that so I spend my time walking to class, counting out my steps.  Two, two, two, two, three, three, two, two.  Ugh!!!  And, of course, stepping on a crack or bump, or the yellow lines in front of the ramp are out of the question!  And that's not even the beginning of the list!  I'm starting to notice all the anxiety that it causes me and I just want it all to go away!

I want to be able to open up to a counselor about all of these things.  And at night it seems like such a great idea.  They could help me get over all of this!  But then when I think about it during the day, I think it's an awful idea.  I know myself.  I can't just open up to someone about this.  For so many reason. I hate talking about myself, especially in that type of situation.  And I know that's what the counselors are there for but for some reason i can't do it.  I feel like there are so many people who are worse off than I am.  So a) I would be taking time away from people who really need it and b) I don't want to sound like a whining bitch, complaining over nothing at all.  And I've lived over 20 years and I've been fine thus far.  I don't see why I need to go to someone about things I should be able to work out on my own.  And at the same time I know I can't get over these things on my own, I've been trying for years.  I know the benefits of going to counseling but I just don't think I need it.  Right?
And then there's the cutting... I desperately want to be over that.  The past two times I've cut have been really bad and they hurt a lot.  And they don't seem to be scabbing over...  The one on my shoulder I did last Thursday night and it's Tuesday night now.  The one on my ribs was done Saturday night.  I've noticed my cuts are getting worse I really want to stop.  Seems easy enough, right?  Something I should be able to do alone.  But I'm not sure I can...  And then I go back to the thoughts of not being bad off enough to need a counselor.  I'm not suffering from a traumatic experience, nothing horrible is going on in my life.  I should just suck it up!

All of these things, and all the stress from classes, homework, rehearsals, my sorority, and everything else I'm involved in (cause I love keeping myself extremely busy) are draining me.  I'm exhausted, and yet I can't get to sleep at night.  I lay in bed for a few hours each night waiting for sleep to finally take hold.  I just want to get in bed and be asleep within 10 or 15 minutes.  Lack of sleep certainly isn't helping this cycle...  But I know I'll do it all again tomorrow, and the next day.  And it will all just continue.  Maybe one day I'll snap, but I've made it this far.  No one knows what the future will bring.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Finally bought a new scale!  Erica and Megg would be so disappointed if they knew.  Just like they'd be disappointed if they knew I was still cutting.  Good thing they don't know :D  My scale is now carefully hidden in my closet.   Want to know what it said when I stepped on it a few minutes ago?!  129.6!  I finally got out of the 130's!!  So at least I know I'm making progress.  That puts my BMI at 19.7.  I can do this.  I can keep losing weight!

I went to bed super early last night.  Around 9:00pm and didn't wake up till 10:00am.  I'm so emotionally exhausted with everything.  Found out that Erica flew home yesterday.  Without telling anyone.  She just hopped a plane back to Vermont.  Of course she's apparently not talking to us for the next week anyway so whatever.  I haven't spoken to Megg since yesterday after our class got out.  I've been by myself since I left for the gym yesterday morning. 

Went to the gym again this morning.  Did some elliptical and some crunches.  For some reason the elliptical that I used today doesn't tell me I'm burning as many calories as the other one does.  For just as much work as I did yesterday to burn off 300cals I only burned 174 today...it's weird.  Well regardless the only cal intake I've had so far are my Calcium vitamins and my other multi-vitamins.  Each one is 15 cals a for 2 vitamins so I'm at a net intake of -144 so far, and it's 2:10pm.  Currently drinking a Coke Zero then might have an apple.  For anyone who reads this: Do you guys count the calories in fruits and vegetables?  I always do but lately I've been reading that some people don't.  So now I'm just curious as to why you do or do not count those calories...

Friday, February 3, 2012

Downhill Fast

I look like a normal college junior.  Sitting at my desk in my room, hair wet from my recent shower, laptop open, music playing...  Perfectly ordinary.  But that's just the surface.  I've great at portraying a normal twenty-year-old girl.  It's easy.  But for anyone who cares to take a closer look, I'm definitely not normal.  I took a shower after I got back from the gym after burning off 350+ cals to work off the fiber one bar I ate for breakfast.  My laptop is open to my facebook page specifically created to interact with others with eating disorders.  The music playing is "Skinny" by Edith Backlund.  Still think I'm a normal college junior?  Didn't think so...

I just got a text from Erica: Ok your apt with the school counselor is at 3 on Monday.  If you want me to go, let me know.  If you choose not to go, the only thing I ask is that you call and cancel the appointment before

Well, I can't.  I have a class so I'm going to call and cancel.  I told her that and she said to let her know if I cancel or postpone it.  I'm just canceling it.  I don't want to go.  There's no way I am opening up to the school counselor about any of this, it's not worth it, I'm fine!!

There is so much drama going on right now.  I really don't want to get into the details, I don't even understand them all.  But basically my group of friends is going to shit right now....  Megg, Erica, and I are fine.  But one of our other friends is acting really bitchy to Erica and was being bitchy to Megg a few days ago.  It's getting way to overwhelming.  I never thought I'd say this but, I miss not having friends..  When I was in high-school and didn't have friends I hated it.  I was alone all the time but I got used to it. It became a comfort to me to be alone, I didn't have to deal with anxiety I get around people and I didn't have to deal with drama.  Then coming to college I started making friends and loved it for a while.  And I guess I still do.  But it's not worth all this stupid fighting!!  It's stress that I don't know how to handle...  Well, I handle it in my own way.  I cut again last night to release all the anxiety and stress built up.  It's amazing how well that works.   It's almost like the pressure building up in a balloon and then you poke a small hole in it and suddenly there isn't so much pressure.  Then patch the hole and start again.

Well all this drama has apparently caught up to Erica.  She just sent a group text to Megg and me:
Erica: Hey, I'm deciding not to answer my phone for the next week.  Nothing against you guys at all,I just need to do it.  Love you both and I'll talk to you later.
When Megg asked her about it she said "I just need some time away from everything...it's not you guys I promise.  It's just something I have to do for myself."

Then she sent me a personal text saying "I sent that group message but still keep me update on this counseling stuff"  I just want to scream!!!  Is it weird that this is causing me so much stress and anxiety?  And I have no one to talk to about it!!  Okay...so I could talk to the school counselor but I'm not doing that.  I have no idea what to do...and today started out as such a great day!  I had a fiber one bar (140cals) then went to the gym and burned 300cals on the elliptical, did 160 crunches, and ran back to my apartment.  So combined that's over 350cals burned.  And I think I did well on the exam I took this morning.  And now everything is going to downhill....I just have to hope I can get through this.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm sitting at my desk, attempting to get some homework done and I just can't seem to concentrate.  I can read the same section over and over again and I still have no idea what I just read.  Something to do with musical theatre during the Great Depression...  So I've chucked that book to the side, pulled up my computer, and decided to update my blog instead.

I woke up this morning at 8:20am so I could hit the gym!  I'm so ready to get back into a concrete exercise routine.  My goal is every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to go to the gym around 8:45am and workout before my 11:00am class.  I burned about 170 at the gym today and then ran back to my apartment from there which burned off another 36 cals.  Not much but it all adds up.  So I burned off 206 cals this morning :D  And my intake thus far?  0!  I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Still no scale so I'm not sure where I'm at.  I started a Valentine's Day challenge on my ana facebook and today was the first day.
DAY 1: Starting Stats
Height - 5'8"
CW - 134 (estimating since I have no scale..)
GW - 125 (that's my goal weight for the end of this challenge, AKA Valentine's Day)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

This is so frustrating!  I know that I'm losing weight.  I can feel it!  I feel emptier and lighter.  But I can't weigh out my progress!!  I seriously need to go buy a replacement scale and just keep it hidden.  Because I can't take all of this not knowing.

Erica brought up e-mailing the school councilor today.  She says we can start there so my mom doesn't need to find out yet.  I said yes to pacify her but we never sat down to compare schedules and set a time.  Looks like this "weight at most 125 before meeting with someone" thing is going to be easier than anticipated.  I'm hoping I'll be down to 120 by then but, like I've said before, I have no idea when that is going to be so I don't want to be completely unrealistic.

I'm starting to get hungry...  I've had 420 cals today and I would like to stop there.  Megg and Erica want to go to Taco Bell but there is absolutely NO way I will be eating that!!  If I do eat something it will be green beans.  I've already decided.  They are 40 cals per cup and are much safer to eat (especially at 10 o'clock at night) than anything I would get at Taco Bell!  Unless I get a Fresco Chicken Soft Taco (150 cals) or their Mexican Style Rice side (120 cals).  But I'm trying to avoid that situation all together.  It's just nice to know there are safe options incase I'm forced to eat something.  You never know...  Especially now that Megg and Erica know.  I feel like it's the situation with my Big all over again.  Though my Big was a lot more forceful and angry about the situation.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Finally Some Release!!

I've been going absolutely insane without my x-acto knife and scale.  And tonight I just couldn't take it anymore.  I was seriously shaking from so much pent up anxiety.  I took a shower to try and calm myself but that made it worse.  I was hysterical...then I remembered I have a glass scraping tool my mom bought me freshman year so I pulled out a new blade for it and cut...  It felt unbelievably relaxing.  Suddenly, all the anxiety and hysteria went away.  With one cut I stopped crying, with another I stopped shaking, with another my heart rate started slowing down again.  I cut until I felt normal.  Now I have to be extra careful around Erica and Megg.  Under NO circumstances can they find out!!

All of my friends went out tonight...one of them just called me and I ignored it cause I know she's gonna try to get me to go out.  And I really don't want to.  I'm exhausted...worn out...ready for bed.  If I could go to sleep now and never wake up I would.

I know this post has no details and I apologize for that.  I'm not too exhausted to go into anything.  Maybe I'll feel up to it tomorrow.  But, then again, maybe not.  One thing I will say though is that I've decided not to bring up any steps towards recovery to anyone.  If they bring it up I'll take it from there.  But, as far as I'm concerned, the subject has been dropped and I'm not ready for it.
We haven't gotten our rehearsal schedules yet.  The Director told us that since the cast is so big it's going to take her a few more days to get all the conflicts accounted for.  Good news for me!  This means it's going to be a while before Erica e-mails the psych professor.  She asked me about it today and when I told her I didn't have the schedule she said we'd go ahead and e-mail him anyway but that didn't happen.  So another day has passed of me (hopefully) losing weight.  Two people have asked about the bandaid on my wrist...once it was just her and me and the other time I was in a group of people.  I just told them I hurt myself moving into my room.  The believed it.  But my face was beat red when I was asked in the group.  I was so embarrassed and wanted to end the conversation...

I told Erica and Megg about the situations.  And Erica looked at the bandaid I put on my upper arm (I took my sweater off around her because she already knows, there's no point in hiding it) and she asked if I had cut again.  I hadn't!  She just thought she remembered the cut being up hire.  So now I know if I do cut again I'm going to have to be extremely careful about hiding it.  Cause Erica and Megg will be on my jock and probably won't let me even sleep alone if they find out.  Not that I have my usual cutting tool... Though I'm kind of thinking of buying one.  Or just using my razor or some scissors.  If Erica doesn't plan on giving me my scale back I think I'm gonna go buy another one, so I might as well buy a new x-acto knife while I'm at it.  Though Megg made it clear that if I do buy a new scale she'd take it away.  So I'd have to be sure to hide that too.  

Today I was able to step on a scale!  I went over to my friends' apartment and they have a scale in their bathroom.  So it was definitely off ritualistically.  I had to keep all my clothes on (had to make it fast), and it was just after I'd eaten dinner with them (some pasta salad and a coke zero).  Results?  132.7.  So I'm hoping that means I'm at least 131 or something!  Goodness...I really wish I had my scale...and my x-acto knife.  I just feel so anxious without them around.  They have both been a huge part of my life and I feel so lost without them.  So I need to either get them back someway or replace them.  Because living without them is just not an option right now.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I realized my post last night had a lot of information...  I apologize for making it so long but I had a lot to get off my chest.  Thank you to Judith Marie and Christina for their supportive comments.  It really means a lot to have people out there.

So I don't know if I'm ready for counseling and recovery.  The only thing I can think of is how much weight I still need to lose.  I've been down to 117 and I want to be there again!  I don't know if I'm ready to give that goal up and go to therapy.  I don't believe I'm even to the point where therapy is necessary.  Everything is fine.

But then again...if Erica and Megg both think I need help, maybe I'm missing something.  I just don't know what to do...  Why is this decision so hard to make?  I'm not underweight.  I weigh too much.  There's no way a psychologist/therapist/whoever would take me seriously.  I would understand if I looked too thin or weighed much less than I do now.  Maybe then therapy and counseling would make sense.  But right now I'm just not sure I need it.

Erica hasn't talked to her psychology professor again yet.  She is waiting for me to let her know what my rehearsal schedule is (we find out today) so she can e-mail him letting him know the days/times I'm available.  I'd like to be down to 125 by the time I meet with him though that's not gonna happen.  That doesn't give me much time to lose all that weight.  I'm not even sure how much weight that is since Erica took my scale and put it in the back of her car so I couldn't be tempted to step on it.  I really want it back...  Looks like I'm gonna fast as much as possible.  And when I do it I need to know exactly how many calories it is so I don't get out of control.  I'm also not sure how much time that gives me.  My guess is she'll e-mail him tomorrow and he'll get back to her letting her know when we should meet.  For all I know that could be Thursday.  Which only gives me two days.  So I guess that's not gonna happen...  The last time I went to a counselor was here at school and I weighed 125 on our second visit.  She weighed me...  I then dropped 8 lbs but I never went to see her again.  Then I gained a shit ton of weight and ended up at 140lb!!!  That is absolutely not acceptable.  I never want to weigh that much again.  Now I fluctuate between 130 and 135.  I'm hoping I'm towards the lower end of that right now and that I continue to lose weight till I'm back to 125.  And then ultimately I'd like to be 115 and stay there.

I know...my mind is all over the place so I apologize if this post seems scattered and disorganized.  It's just a lot for me to handle right now.  I will definitely keep you all updated with this whole thing.  I have a feeling a lot of these posts will be me trying to figure out what I want to do.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A Secret Revealed

The secret I've kept for so long.  The information that was all mine.  The comforting thought that I had secrets no one else knew.  Gone.  The night I cut myself last (Thursday..four days ago) my apartment mate found out.  We live in one of the apartments on campus.  The way the apartment is set up you walk into the open kitchen/living room area and on either side there is a bathroom and two bedrooms.  My friend Megg lives on my side with me.  We just moved in to the apartment this semester and we don't know the other two girls incredibly well.  But that's not important.  Megg and I had gone out to a club with our close group of friends and things got really hectic towards the end.  Well when we got back Megg was on the phone crying because her ex-boyfriends close friend was there and basically made her feel like shit.  Well, that's when I did the excessive cutting.

One, neat, bloody line on my left wrist, another to the inside of my right heal.  Two more parallel cuts to my left upper arm, their duplicates on my right inner thigh.  Three long, deep slices to my right hip.  Stop.  Blood dripping down my body, comforting me in ways words can't seem to.  Speaking to me louder than anyone could yell.  The release.  The relief.  Then the clean up.  Grabbing tissues to mop the blood from my wounds.  Snatching more to wipe the counter, the floor, the sink...  Dabbing at the craters I've left in my skin.  No evidence can be left behind...  No one can know...  
The blood starts to subside.  The bleeding has stopped for the most part.  Drearily I walk to my bedroom. Who knew releasing that stress could be so exhausting.  I lay on the bed and listen...I can hear my apartment mate still on the phone.  Grab the blanket at the edge of my bed, too exhausted to get under the covers.  I curl up in a ball, bury myself in the fuzzy pink  blanket, and wait.  My intention is to comfort Megg when she's off the phone.  She needs my help.  But slowly, my eyes can't hold themselves open any longer.  Slowly my mind is drifting towards dreaming.  Slowly, I succumb to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I realized my light was off.  Did I do that the night before...I don't think so.  Shit...  That means Megg did.  That means she may have seen...

Well it turns out she did.  More importantly, she wasn't the only one who knew.  Or at least suspected.  But before I get to talking about Megg, I need to talk about Erica.  After all I'm trying to go in order.

Saturday night my friends and I went out again, this time to a friends house to drink and hang out.  We were having a great time and I didn't realize how much I was drinking.  And, keeping in mind I haven't been eating much throughout the day, I got really drunk quicker than I anticipated.  I didn't mean to get that drunk to begin with...  We played a couple drinking games and I met this guy Jerry who seemed really nice and he was funny and attractive.  Well, we ended up getting into the back of his truck and things got out of hand.  Now I don't consider myself to be a slutty person, I don't get drunk and hook up with guys all the time.  It's just not who I am.  And basically the farthest I'd gone before this night was making out.  Well...I'm extremely ashamed to admit it but I ended up giving him a blow job.  I felt incredibly disgusting afterwards.  I texted Erica (one of the girls I went out with) that I wanted to get out of the car and go home.  And Jerry wouldn't let me leave.  He kept grabbing me and pulling back.  I was petrified he was going to try and rape me.  He kept saying he wanted to "fuck me" and he wished we had a condom.  But finally I was able to get out of the car and we drove back to my apartment.  That's when Erica and I had a heart to heart.  She was once an anorexic and she's really open about it.  Well she had pretty much figured out that I'm in that position too.  Though I hate calling myself an anorexic because it seems so weird and foreign of a concept...  But we talked a lot about that and then she asked if she could bring up another sensitive subject.  I said of course.  And she brought up the cutting...  She said she had a feeling that I did but wasn't completely sure.  And that's when she said I needed counseling.

Fast forward to the next day.  We talked a little bit more about the benefits and necessities of counseling. And I agreed that I think I need it.  But at the same time I told her I don't particularly want to go.  So she said she would talk to her psychology professor to see if he could recommend someone and we'd take things from there.  Erica and I also talked about how I should talk to Megg about it, especially since we're living together.

Now, Megg has a history of cutting herself and she's talked to me before about how she used to but is over it now and everything.  So, even though it was incredibly difficult for me to bring it up to her, I knew she would understand.  I asked her if she had noticed the night I fell asleep and she came in to turn off my light.  "Yes I did...I just didn't know how to bring it up to you."  She had seen the three cuts on my arm but wasn't sure how to bring it up to me.  So I told her about the others and about the conversation I had with Erica.  We stayed up for hours talking about our lives and everything.  And she thinks it would be good for me to go to counseling.

And now we're up to present day.  Erica spoke to her psychology professor today and he thinks I need more help than the school counseling center can provide.  Alarms start to go off in my head as she says this.  Other counseling centers would need to go through my insurance, I can't afford them on my own.  And going through insurance means telling my parents everything...which is exactly what Erica's psychology professor wants me to do.  He wants me to tell my parents everything.  The eating disorder, the cutting, all of it.  I'm petrified!  I can't go to them.  How will they react?  What if they yell?  What if they disown me?  What if they don't care at all...

I've agreed to start taking the necessary steps to get help.  So here's where I'm at now:
Step 1: meet with the psychology professor.  Erica said she'd go with me to talk to her professor about everything.  Filling him in on details so he can better understand and help me figure out the situation.  I can do this step.  And at any point that I decide I'm not ready to reach out for more help, I know Erica will respect it.  She told me I can do this at my own pace because she knows you have to be ready for recovery for this to help.

The psychology professor also told Erica that if I don't want to go to my parents by myself he'd be happy and willing to help me with it.  To call them and talk with them about the situation first so I don't have to do it alone.  But I'm not at that step yet.  I'm still in the beginning stages.  I've put it out there and now need to take everything slowly.  So I'll set up a meeting with the psychology professor and talk to him.  I'm not thinking about anything after that.  I don't know if I'm ready for anything after that...
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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