Thursday, August 18, 2011

Empty Stomach - Empty Heart

So last night was horrible...  Though it didn't start out that way

Yesterday itself was wonderful.  The only thing I had to eat was an apple (around 80 cals) and I've heard apples are negative calories, though I'm not sure if I trust that.  So I'm counting the 80 cals.  But that's all I had.  And I felt fantastic!!  Later on I found out there was going to be a party and the guy I talked about in my last post was gonna be there.  He even told me I had to go cause he wanted to see me.  So, of course, I was feeling even better.

Well, my friends and I got to the party at around 10:30 or so and we were practically the first ones there.  We started drinking and just hanging out and we were having a great time.  Then a bunch of other people started showing up, including this guy.  This has the potential of being a really long story so I'm gonna keep it short so I don't bore you.  Basically, I shaved my legs just incase (and I had a strong feeling it would happen) he ended up touching them and we ended up making out or something.  We were sitting with each other and he kept touching my back and arms and I thought for sure something was going to happen.  The combo of not eating and drinking made me tipsy pretty fast so I was in a good mood and feeling fantastic.  Then he left for a bit to go smoke weed and when he came back he was totally different.  He was high and all of a sudden didn't wanna touch me or really talk to anyone and suddenly I started feeling worse about myself.  And then about an hour or so later he left with all his friends.  With just a hug as a good bye.  What the fuck?!  I mean...okay, so he didn't wanna hook up.  But then why would he text me to be sure I came to the party?!!  All I could think about was "if I was skinnier...if I had lost more weight...if I wasn't such a whale...if I was pretty..."

After he left I was kinda...okay, not kinda, really, bummed.  And all of a sudden I was alone.  The group that I was hanging out with had dispersed to go talk to other people.  I mean, who wants to sit around a fat, sulky person?  I don't blame them.  So rather than sit there like the loser I am, I went out to the back yard and sat alone.  The sad part?  No one even noticed.  No one called or texted or anything.  Clearly just no one cares.  Then one of the girls who left to say goodbye to some people came back and realized I wasn't there and she called and came and found me sitting in the grass crying.  I love her to death and have no idea what I'd do without her.

We left a little while after that and four of us went to spend the night and one of their houses.  It's funny how gullible and clueless people can be.  I just had to say "I have to get something out of my car, be right back" and I went to her front yard and forced myself to throw up.  Not that there was much to throw up.  But it felt good to do it.

I ended up telling Laura everything.  She's the girl who came and found me in the grass.  So she's completely updated on this whole thing.

Wow...guess who just texted me?!  Yup.  The guy from last night.  Saying he's "sad we didn't really chill out last night"  Ugh!!!  What am I supposed to say to that?!!  Sometimes life just sucks.  And by sometimes I mean all the time.  Whatever.  I'll end this post here now that I've officially bored whoever is reading this.  I'll try to post later tonight but if not I'll post tomorrow.

On a brighter note, I haven't eaten anything today either so far!  And it's already 1:25pm.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.


  1. hi hun... great job with the practically fasting... i know how hard that can be! as for the guy - maybe he isnt worth your time? sounds like alls he is interested in is a physical type thing and u r worth way more than that! i relate to the feeling though as even i have been married 17yrs, with him for 19 and still feel disgusting ad like why would he wanna be with someone ike me? i think thats part of our ana personalities though...
    anyway - i hope u feel batter... take care and fyi - i read the posts anytime someone posts even if i dont always reply (i usually rad from my phone so i cant reply till i sit at my laptop).

  2. Thank you so much!! It really means a lot to know someone is out there reading. Your comment really means a lot to me


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