Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cut again!  I want the blood.  I need the blood..  Right now I'm curious as to how long it takes to bleed out if you slit your wrists.  I don't want to kill myself.  That isn't my goal.  Right now I just want to end up in the hospital.  I really think that's the only way I'm going to get over any of this shit.  But I don't want to die trying.  Now you all probably think I'm some fake bitch who is only doing this for attention.  Well fuck anyone who thinks that!  I'm sorry...I'm in such an awful mood today.  It's just been horrible.

In one of my classes one girl had the audacity to say that people who don't eat are doing it for selfish reasons to better themselves.  Fuck you!!!  I don't have an eating disorder because it makes me feel happy inside!  Ughhh...  I hate ignorant people!  And on top of that I'm going through stupid drama with some people who used to be my friends.  And I'm having my usually feelings of self-hatred and the paranoia that everyone around me wishes I were dead.  I just don't know what to do at this point...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Shout out to Judith Marie for her lovely comments <3  They are always super appreciated.  No worries, I won't get super into laxatives.  I took two Thursday night and they kicked it 8.5 hours later, I took two Saturday night and they didn't do anything all day so I took three Sunday night and they worked great!  Now I don't wanna take them again for a while.

Things are going pretty well back at school.  Woke up at 7:30am this morning to go to the gym and run on the treadmill and do some ab workouts.  I still feel incredibly fat...but I'm eating healthier and the giving up sweets for lent was the greatest decision ever.  Now being around super sweet food makes me feel sick.

Anyway, this was just a quick update.  I just finished a psychology power point for my presentation tomorrow and now I'm gonna go to bed.  Love you all!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Beach today was a success!!  Laura and I talked about the scars and my cutting.  I told her about Nancy and everything.  I told her that Megg and Erica both know.  How Erica took my x-acto knife and scale and then I bought more.  I even told her how Megg found out...about her walking into my room and seeing my wrist that night I feel asleep.  It was nice.  She is always really easy to talk to about things like that.  No judgement, no anger, just support and understanding.  It's almost like having a buddy who does it, but better.  Because I know she isn't hurting herself.

Unfortunately, I'm burnt as heck.  My whole body.  Mostly my face though.  And even that is only one side since I spent the whole time talking with Laura and my face was turned.  I have no plans to be in the sun till Sunday at Universal Studios though.  It's not an awful burn on my body.  No extreme pain which is good.  I just hope I'm tan once the burn goes away, haha.

And I bought laxatives today for the first time!  I've been having a tough time...well...I could write out the TMI version but I'm just not going to.  These laxatives will just help with that plus it'll cleanse my system.  I bought the CVS brand called "Gentle Laxative Bisacodyl USP" so we'll see how that works.  I'm about to take two tablets (the recommended dosage is between 1 and 3) and then go to sleep.  It says to "expect results in 8-12 hours if taken at bedtime" so that's sometime between 9:00am tomorrow morning and 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon.  We'll see when it hits...

Anyway, just wanted to update you all and let you know life is good!  I've only got a little bit left being home for spring break.  I have all day tomorrow and then I drive back up to school Saturday morning so I've got lots of cleaning and shopping left to do before I go back.  I plan to update again on Monday just because I know I'll be busy till then.  But who knows, maybe I'll pop back on for a brief update before that.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

F**k the Bullsh*t

I'm fat, ugly, stupid...what's the point?

I feel so absolutely gross right now.  Haven't cut in over a week.  The anxiety is just building up and I really need to do it again...  But I'm home for Spring Break and it's harder to get away with here.  Especially since I'm going to the beach in two days..  Gonna have to explain the cuts to Laura.  At least it's just gonna be the two of us and she knows I've cut in the past, telling her won't be entirely too difficult.  Plus, who gives a shit if people know?  What are they gonna do?  Nothing.  They can't do anything!!  Lock me up?  Force me into therapy?  I'm 20 fricken years old.  Good luck forcing me to do anything.

I'm watching Girl Interrupted right now.  Strangely it's fairly triggering.  Filled with crazy people.  Including people with EDs.  I've yet to see a self-harmer but whatever.  Triggering for both none the less.  I'm so over pretending I'm fine.  If my friends wanna know I cut, so be it.  If they wanna know I don't eat, go ahead.  It's who I am.  I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last December and it makes me physically ill to think about.  Hiding it just makes me gain weight and I don't want that!  I'm not gonna let my parents know or anything.  But I'm not going to great lengths to hide it from my "friends."  They don't do anything anyway.
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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