Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

And a very Merry Christmas indeed!  I got some really great gifts from my family, they loved the hand knit gifts I made them, and I got to spend quality time with everyone.  It was really very pleasant.

I'm also pretty sure I've lost weight!  Though I don't really know since there is no scale here....but I will be reunited with my scale soon!  And, for now, I feel smaller.  My gutt doesn't seem as hideous and I just feel tinier.  I wonder how much I weigh...

Unveiled Secrets

It's official: Ellen has access to this blog.  I sent her the link last night.  At first I was hesitant.  This is the one place that is completely my own.  It holds all my thoughts and feelings and secrets.  So personal.  But then I thought...what do I keep from her?  Nothing.  There isn't anything I don't want her to know if she's willing to listen.  So there you have it.  I guess this means she can read it at her leisure...  I've told her I am going to continue to write on here as if she wasn't reading.  I don't want this blog to change at all.

I picked my brother up from his exam today!  I love doing that.  My brother, Wes, is 17.  Which makes him 4 years younger than me, though we are 5 school years apart.  Regrettably we aren't very close.  We hang out occasionally when I'm home but we know practically nothing about each other.  He had no idea I had seen a psychiatrist until I told him over Thanksgiving break.  And he has no idea why I went.  I wish we were close.  That's what family is supposed to be...right?  People you can tell everything to.  That will always be there.  I don't know.  My family isn't very open like that.  We don't talk about anything.  But I got to spend some time with Wes today.  We hung out for about an hour after we got home and it was really nice.  Then he left to meet some friends for lunch...  So I stayed home and watched TV and crafted.  I don't hang out with anyone here really.  Of course I have Amy, Laura, and Emilie but for some reason we don't really hang out.  I think we're friends because we're supposed to be since we were before we all left for college.  I do love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but it's different.  We don't hang out like we used to.  Hardly at all really.  I'll be happy to go back up to school and see my friends again.

So I realized that I never really talk about anything positive on here.  Let me change that!  Today I found out that I got an A+ on my Senior Research!!!  I am so incredibly happy!!  And actually proud of myself.  I can't believe I did it!  And with an A+ :D  There is nothing negative I can say and am 100% happy and proud about it.

I also just took a bath!  I love taking baths.  They're so soothing.  Of course now my skin is all red, haha.  I take extremely hot baths most of the time.  To the point where touching the water turns your skin red.  But it doesn't hurt, it just feels relaxing.  Either I have sensitive skin or a high pain tolerance.  Or both.  No matter.  I love them none the less.

On to eating...  Goodness.  Yogurt parfait for lunch (mixed berry yogurt, blackberries, special k cereal), and some lo mein for dinner.  And then ice cream later on.  Too much food....  But, there's no way I could get away with eating less.  I don't think my mom cares much.  She asks what I eat, I tell her, and that's the end of it.  Funny how she always has something to say when she thinks I'm eating too much or not healthy enough.  We ordered Chinese the other night and got wonton soup, lo mein, egg rolls, and white rice.  I didn't have any egg rolls because they tasted funny.  But I had everything else.  Of course my mom decided to tell me I was consuming way to many carbs for one meal and should stop.  So I did.  I'm not going to fight her on it, she's right.  Rice and lo mein?  Stick to one.  But it should be the same portion size as if I was having both.  Better make it a little less to be on the safe side.  And that's how meals go when I'm home.  No wonder I constantly worry about portion sizes and what I'm eating.  Thankfully she hasn't touched my stomach yet.  She's done it before.  After we had lunch together one day she pat my stomach to show me it was too big.  Of course she's right, I am too big.  She's my mother, it's her job to tell me when I need to lose weight.  So if I see it and my mom sees it, how come no one else does?

Stick to the Devil you Know

So I cut last night...  Go figure.  Right by my left hip bone.  I needed it.  I needed that release - the pain.  The reminder that I am alive and life is painful.  I was just wishing I was dead....  I don't really understand why I'm alive.  What is the point in it?  I mean really...  Is there an actual point to living?  It all seems so pointless.  We are keeping ourselves busy for no reason.  I don't get it.  But, then again, death scares me.  Which I suppose is the reason I've never had the guts to kill myself.  They say you should stick to the Devil you know.  I guess that's why.

Anyway I'm miserable.  I'm home for the break, away from my apartment, away from school, away from everything.  Most people are thrilled for the break.  I just have so much free time which gives me too much time to think and dwell.  And being back home again makes me feel less independent.  Constantly checking in with my mom when I want to do something or go somewhere.  It's not like that at school, I'm completely in charge of my own life and I don't need to update anyone.  And Ellen isn't here....  That's been hard.  Really hard actually...  I guess I never realized how codependent we are.  I don't even know if it's really codependence or if it's just me depending on her.  Either way she's a huge part of my life and an amazing support system and I need her....  Thank goodness we live in the age of technology because if I didn't have her talking to me until 4am who knows what I would have done.  I went on my rant about the point of life and how I wish I was dead and she talked me through it and helped me tremendously.  She is such an incredible person and I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's my little and my best friend..  I just wish she could be here.

Mostly everything just sucks right now.  I have no desire to eat or doing anything.  I've just been feeling gloomy...  Yesterday didn't eat till dinner and all I ate then was half a can of Progresso soup.  Today I didn't eat till dinner again and I had some left over vegetable lo mein and cheese and crackers.  I wouldn't have even eaten that had Ellen not insisted I eat dinner..  There's no scale in my house.  I don't know if my mom got rid of it or is hiding it but I hate not being able to weigh myself.  But really I just feel fat and have no appetite.

I'm so confused.  I can't keep my thoughts straight.  I don't know what I want or what I'm thinking.  I want to weigh 115, and I don't care how I accomplish that.  I like not eating.  I feel so powerful and beautiful when I'm not eating.  But no one seems to understand that...  Yes, I would be heartbroken if someone I knew was doing this, but that's different.  I don't care.  I don't want recovery for this.  Now the cutting I have mixed feelings on.  The only reason I want to stop is because of the scaring.  I love the cuts and watching them bleed and feeling the pain.  But explaining the scars isn't easy.  So I just don't know what I should do.  I guess I should go back to Dr. Carreno and talk to her about it.  The funny thing is I'm still taking Sertraline.  Clearly that's working wonders for my psychological issues.  Oh well.

Silence the daemons screaming "you're not good enough!  you never have been!!"  Try to drown the voices yelling "no one cares about you, just kill yourself already!"  Fight the urge to cut.  The urge to see the blood.  The urge to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside.  "you're such a baby! grow up and learn to deal with life.  or just end it."

Nothing even happened...  I hate that I feel this way over nothing!  Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great.  I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social.  And all of a sudden it all turned.  Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place...  What is wrong with me?  Apparently everything...  I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me.  It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do.  I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid...  Gahhh  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong.  Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me.  Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth.  I don't know...  I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way.  But I don't think there is.  Probably because it's the truth.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I don't deserve to be here...

Liebster Blog Award

Wow!  I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Judith Marie!  I'm pretty excited :D  It's been a really rough week...  Before I get into the details of the award, I wanted to let you all know that my Grandpa passed away two nights ago...  I haven't seen him since the beginning of August and I miss him so much!!  I wish I had gotten the chance to see him one last time...  But, I know he's in a better place free of the emphysema.  So at least he doesn't have to suffer through that anymore!  I love Grandpa!!

Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them

Hi everyone!  My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name.  But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty.  I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!!  I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn.  I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes.  I think they are the most attractive thing about someone

Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness...  It would be incredibly different.  I would spend everyday thinking about food.  Weighing myself 3+ times each day.  I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs.  But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love.  Life without an ED would be great!  Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming.  Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first.  Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake.  I think life would be happier...

2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration.  Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures.  It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to.  If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal.  After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs.  But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.

3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult.  I love my dresses!  I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more.  Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly.  It also gives me something that is distinctly mine.  People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.  

4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy!  So many options.  Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations.  In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe.  Like London or somewhere in Italy.  I've always wanted to travel to Europe.

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww..  There are a million body things I would change.  But something not related to my body...  I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything.  I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something.  And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it.  Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind.  I just wish I didn't get upset over everything.  And overthink everything.

6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm.  Sometimes it gets really bad.  Close to suicidal.  Definitely a problem...

7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually.  Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin.  I always was growing up.  So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it.  Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out.  Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal."  And I didn't like that.  I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like.  It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?  Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old.  I don't believe I would ever get another piercing.  Though I won't say never because you never know.  But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic.  I don't have any tattoos.  And I don't believe I would ever get one.  Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere.  Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet.  Being an actress makes tattoos problematic.  Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.

9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot.  To those that don't know: hardly at all.  It definitely hurts those that know about it.  Which I feel terrible about...  They don't want to see me go through this.  And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult.  In those moments when I want recovery.  I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that.  It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery.  Because I fight them on eating.  So to those that know...I am truly sorry!  I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....

10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball!  Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.  

11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom!  That is literally all I want.

My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)

My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?