Sunday, September 30, 2012

Need to Lose!!

I don't even know how to describe today.  I thought I was doing so well...  I didn't eat breakfast, I've stopped doing that completely.  Nobody makes me and I take any chance to skip a meal that I can.  I didn't eat lunch either!  It was the best.  I ended up eating half an apple and some cheese and crackers but not that many.  And then I had a smoothie around 4:30.  And then I was forced to eat an actual dinner...  I ate soup, thankfully only half a can (which is a full serving by the way!)  Ellen was going to make me eat the whole can but there's just no way!  Instead I ate a 100 calorie pack of pretzels.  So, in hindsight, I should have just finished the soup since it's only 90 calories a serving.  Stupid...  But the soup just seemed like so much food.  Anyway, I was pretty content with that.  However, Drew came over and brought us cake and I was forced to eat a slice.  A WHOLE SLICE OF CAKE!!!  Gahhhhh.....  I feel so unbearably fat right now.  I just want it out!  But I can't go throw it up because I currently have three people over who would definitely notice.  This sucks....

On the plus side!  I got Ellen as a little today :D  I'm so excited about that!!  I've wanted her to be my little in the theatre fraternity since I met her working on The Foreigner.  I was actually really nervous that she wouldn't end up being my little.  That she wouldn't even want me to be her big.  But no worries!  She is now :)

Down side:  I will still have to eat tomorrow...  Normally I would just say that eating this much today means fasting tomorrow.  But having people constantly on your back about eating makes that just about impossible.  Unless I want Ellen to have a fasting day as well which I am definitely not okay with.  So somehow I need to get away with eating small amounts of really low calorie foods.  However, she doesn't just care about me eating.  She cares what I am eating and how much I am eating.  So it makes it difficult to get away with anything.  I just wish people made it easier for me.  Can't they see I just need to lose this awful fat??  I weight entirely too much and need to keep losing.  

Anyway, this entry is getting a bit long so I'll stop it here and update again soon.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Slowly Dropping Weight

I can't believe Judith Marie got rid of her blog....  I was gone for so long that I completely missed it.  I'm definitely going to miss having her on here.  She was such a support through all of this.

Weight Update:  I am officially 130.8 lbs  I'm so excited about that!  For now my goal is 125, then 120, then 115.  I haven't decided if I want to stay at 115 or go down to 110.  But, one step at a time.  I have my sights set on 125 :D

Ellen is making it difficult...  She has decided that she's not going to eat if I'm not eating.  I love her to death and it pains me to think she would stop eating.  She doesn't deserve that at all...  So I eat so that she'll eat.  Though I try to get away with eating as little as possible since it is also paining me to eat.  I'm so conflicted!  I know she's just trying to help because she cares about me.  But I just wish she'd let me not eat.  Not even completely stop, just eat very minimally.  Like, an apple a day or something.  Anyway, the road to weight loss will be slow since she's monitoring my food intake.  And I've promised not to lie to her about anything.  I will tell her if I'm not eating.  Trust is a big thing for me and I just can't lose that.

My collar bones and hip bones are helping to motivate me!  At 5'8" and 130.8 lbs they are slightly more noticeable than before.  Not too much, no one should be alarmed yet.  But I love them!  And I can't wait to be able to see more of them.  Is that bad?  I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose "too much" weight.  Too many people that I'm close to know about my eating disorder and cutting so they are quick to jump on me if they think the slightest thing is going wrong.  Especially since I'm trying to stop eating right now.  Everything is pushing me to eat.  What they don't seem to realize is it's not going to help.  They may force food down my throat but it won't change my mindset.  It won't change the fact that I look in the mirror or down at my body and see gross fat hanging from my bones.  It won't stop me from thinking I'm not good enough.  This is something that I need to get through.

I have boy things to update you all on!  I am currently seeing a fantastic guy!  He's not my boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure we're exclusively dating.  He really is great.  We go out to dinner, play putt putt, watch movies, and just hang out.  I have so much fun when I'm with him.  I'm actually going over to his house in about 30 minutes.  So I should go get ready.  I'll update more soon!

Monday, September 24, 2012

I'm Back!

Goodness...  It has been so long since my last post.  I've been fighting so hard for recovery and have lost it all.  Quick update:

Things with my mom got a lot better.  She still thinks it's unnecessary for me to see a psychiatrist and be taking medication (I'm currently taking Sertraline).  But at least she doesn't openly talk about her disapproval much anymore.

I'm back at school and haven't seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or anyone since I left home.  I really need to get on that...

I have completely lost all desire to eat.  I just don't want to anymore.  It's not like I need to.  I'm down to 132 and just want to keep losing.  Unfortunately it's harder to hide because the people that know about my past experiences are so worried that I'll fall victim to the eating disorder again.  Though I've realized it never really left, I just got good at ignoring it.  And now I remember what's it like and am wondering why I ever gave it up.

I want to get back down to 115.  Then possibly 110.  No smaller than that.  I just want to be thin and beautiful.

I've cut a few times recently as well.  I just love the blood...  And the pain.  It hasn't been deep.  The last thing I need is more scars to explain.  Just enough to satisfy my need.

Well that's really all I have to say for now..  I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long.  I'll definitely try to update more frequently
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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