Life has been unbelievably hectic here and I've barely had enough time to breath let alone update my blog. On the plus side, busy schedule = no time to think about my issues so I've been in a relatively good mood every day.  Saturday night I cut again.  My wrists like an idiot.  And there were a lot of people over which just wasn't a smart move on my part.  I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk, oh well.  I cut lightly over two of my veins.  Not deep enough to cut them, just enough to produce blood.  I'm progressively getting more and more daring when I cut.  Either I cut deeper in an area where I can't see a vein, or I cut directly on top of a vein.  Always too frightened to cut into one just incase.  But I'm wondering how long it will take before my curiosity outdoes my fear.  Only time will tell.

Eating has been relatively normal.  I'm a fat cow and learning to cope with it.  Haven't weighed in forever but I'm guessing I'm around 135 or 140.  Nothing is too loose on me now which I'm not happy with.  But, again, I'm learning to deal with that.

Well I have a lot of homework to get done before dress rehearsal tonight so I'm going to end my post here!

Correct Prediction!!

My prediction was correct!!  Today was a complete day of fasting :D  I had two cups of tea (0 cals) and that's it!  And I'm not even hungry, this is getting a lot easier.  Skipping meals was easier to get away with than I thought it was going to be.  I woke up and went shopping with my mom and dad (I got the yarn I wanted so I can start a new knitting project!!).  Once we got home, my mom made sandwiches for my dad and brother but I had to go to CVS so she didn't make me anything.  I took one of my best friends with me to CVS and she came over afterwards.  And, to my luck, my mom wasn't home!  She took my brother to a friends' house (he's only 15 so he can't drive).  Getting out of lunch = completed!  Another one of my friends asked me to go to church with her so I left to go to her house at 4:45pm so I managed to escape dinner with my family and when I was asked if I wanted to eat anything at her house, I said I had eaten just before coming over.  Once church was over I stayed at her house until 1:00am so getting of dinner = completed!!  On top of that, we played Just Dance 2 for the Wii for about 2 hours so I burned a lot of calories doing that!

I'd say today was a very successful day!  And I'm hoping tomorrow will be just as productive.  We'll just have to wait and see...

Oh my gosh!!!  I completely forgot to write this yesterday!!  In June I am going to go see Taylor Swift in concert!!!!!!  I am beyond excited, words can't even describe it.  She is my inspiration!  She seriously is fantastic and I cannot wait.

Well I'm off to bed!  I'll write again tomorrow (I'm assuming).

Tomorrow's Game Plan:
Go running!!
Keep myself busy to avoid food
Complete another successful day of fasting

Disappointed...

I am so disappointed in myself!!!  I was doing so well today!  This morning I managed to get away with eating only half of this cinnamon bun, french toast casserole thing that my mom made.  I took one look at it and all I could think about were the calories inside...I felt gross.  But Christmas is a pretty big deal with my family so I had to eat some of it.  I'm pretty sure I only ingested about 250-300 calories.  Disgusting I know but it's better than the whole thing!  Then I didn't eat anything else until dinner.  I had to make myself a plate for dinner since we had family over but I did really well and only put a little of everything so I wasn't over eating (turkey, broccoli, stuffing, mashed potatoes).  But then I lost it...I made berry tarts for dessert and I had to eat one of those (they are personal sized), and then I had a Christmas cookie that I baked with my Grandma.  Then somehow I took a few more bites of turkey and stuffing (not too much but I really shouldn't have) and later I had two more cookies!!!  What was I thinking?!!  I probably gained so much weight tonight....I can't believe I let myself do that.

Tomorrow I need to run!!  And do crunches and sit ups and work out until I feel like I'm going to pass out. Or until I pass out.  Anything to work off my Christmas binge!  I thought I was stronger than this...I'm predict a fast in my very near future.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I can come up with some excuse to get out of dinner (breakfast and lunch are easy to get away with since we don't eat these meals as a family).  Maybe I'll attempt a two day fast.  But that's going to be difficult with all of the left overs in the house.  My mom is going to keep trying to feed me...I'll just do the best I can and avoid food at all costs.  Getting out of the house will help a lot.  Maybe I'll go buy some yarn and start a new knitting project, I've just finished the scarf I was working on.

Did you know that I knit?  Well, I do!  I love to knit!!  I've completed many different knitting projects.  My next endeavor is going to be a bag.  I'm really excited about it.  And I have Christmas money now.  So, as an incentive to stay away from food, I will buy myself some yarn.  Maybe I should start rewarding myself for not eating.  I'll keep that in mind for the future if I think I need it.  Perhaps I have the strength to stay away from food and lose weight without a rewards system.  We'll see.

Note to self: I'm sorry for my lack of discipline and self-control.  I promise I will succeed tomorrow.  Trying is not good enough.  After all, if you try but fail, it doesn't matter how hard you tried...you still failed.

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that my first blog would be about anorexia?

Hi everyone.  I've never kept a blog or anything so I don't quite no what I'm doing, just bare with me.  So, what made me start this blog?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it has something to do with wanting to share my story and experiences.  Maybe I'm just crazy.  I don't know...  It's not like i'm someone special who people want to read a bog about.  But i guess that is of little to no importance.  Because this is my blog, all about me, and if you don't care then you don't have to read.

So I'm pretty nervous about tonight.  It's Christmas Eve and every year we go to my Grandma's house for dinner and family presents.  We usually do a nice Italian dinner (my mom's side is half-Italian) but this year my Grandma is too tired to make dinner so we are ordering pizza.  I'm going to try to get away with eating as little as possible, I'm just nervous that it's going to be hard.  I've been preparing for Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner though, I haven't eaten anything in a few days (this is the third day).  Well, that isn't entirely true. Yesterday I had a bowl of Select Harvest Italian-Style Vegetable Soup (only 50 calories!!).  But other than that I've been drinking tons of water (the faster you drink it, the fuller you get) and tea.  The idea of a big family dinner makes me pretty anxious though...I have to hope I have the strength to stop eating once I start.  I don't want to ruin all of my hard work!

A little about me:
I'm 19 years old at 5'8".  When this whole thing started I weighed around 127.  I currently (as of this morning) weigh 119!  My current goal weight is 115, but that will probably change once I reach it.  I weigh myself every morning when I wake up and keep a journal tracking my calorie intake each day.  I give myself a max of 500 calories but try not to go over 300 each day.  I generally feel extremely guilty if I do...  But there have been times where there was no getting around eating a lot of calories.

I suppose you'll learn more if you continue to follow my blog.  Assuming I can keep up with it, lol.  I think I'll be able to.  I enjoy talking about my anorexia, although I'm not sure why.

Well, my family is about to leave to go to my grandparent's house so I guess that's all for now!
Until next time :D