Monday, February 20, 2012

First of all: Thank you to everyone who comments on my posts!  Judith Marie, Christina, CreativeEscape, you guys are awesome!  Seeing the comments always makes me day.

I just got back to my apartment after my appointment with Nancy.  It went pretty well.  I was there for 45 minutes, not the whole hour.  We just talked about how my weekend was and everything.  I told her it was pretty stressful since it was tech weekend for the show.  I was there from 2:30pm to 9:00pm on Friday, 10:00am to 7:15pm on Saturday, and then 10:00am to 4:15pm on Sunday.  It was a looong weekend!  It was nice to just sit and talk with her.  It felt like I was just having a conversation with someone who not only let me talk about myself, but encouraged me to keep going.  So refreshing from the conversations I have with my friends who like to talk all about themselves.  Except for last night!  I asked Megg if she would come lay in bed with me for a bit because I was feeling really anxious about my appointment with Nancy and everything.  And she did!  She came and let me cuddle into her and talk to her a bit about how I was nervous.  I felt like such a child cuddling up to her but it's the only thing that can really calm me when I'm that anxious about something.  I wonder why that is...  I told Nancy about it and she said she was really proud that I was able to open up to Megg like that.  I probably should have brought up the cuddle thing.  She'd probably have a field day analyzing that.  But I didn't...  Dang it.  Well there's always next time.  Which I haven't even scheduled yet.  She says I've done a great job this past week handling everything.  We talked about how I've kept myself really busy and how I thrive off of the business and stress and, of course, she said it's because I don't have to deal with or think about anything if there's no time to.  Which is completely correct.  So I'll probably schedule another appointment with her after the show is finished and I've had time not being incredibly busy.

And I also feel a little guilty...  Well, guilty isn't the right word.  But a little bit.  I didn't tell her that I cut on Friday...  So for all she knows, I haven't cut since I spoke with her last.  But, at the same time, I never said that.  Though I did tell her I've been fine...  I don't know.  I probably should have told her.  That's what she's there for.  But I couldn't bring myself to say it!!  And she didn't ask.  Though I kind of figured she wouldn't and that she'd wait till I opened up again.  I think I just sort of regret not telling her.  I don't know.  I'm sure her question of "so how have you been?" should have been answered with an "I'm alright.  I cut again this weekend" instead of "good" but I can't change that now.  I know it's gonna happen again and I also know I'll end up making another appointment.  So that'll be my second chance at answering correctly.  I just hate saying the words out loud.


  1. It sounds like your counselling sessions are going well. Remember one step at a time, what counts is that you are trying.
    As for Megg, it's great that you have a friend who cares about you and is able to calm you down. That's rarer than it should be.

  2. I'm so glad your session went well! Nancy sounds lovely. And it's so great that you can trust her.
    Tbh I would have answered the 'how are you' question in the same way. I don't think she's expecting you to be able to just come out and say I cut again. It's a hard thing to say. Maybe after a few more sessions you'll be able to tell her more?
    Stay strong!
    Rachel x


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