Sunday, September 30, 2012

Need to Lose!!

I don't even know how to describe today.  I thought I was doing so well...  I didn't eat breakfast, I've stopped doing that completely.  Nobody makes me and I take any chance to skip a meal that I can.  I didn't eat lunch either!  It was the best.  I ended up eating half an apple and some cheese and crackers but not that many.  And then I had a smoothie around 4:30.  And then I was forced to eat an actual dinner...  I ate soup, thankfully only half a can (which is a full serving by the way!)  Ellen was going to make me eat the whole can but there's just no way!  Instead I ate a 100 calorie pack of pretzels.  So, in hindsight, I should have just finished the soup since it's only 90 calories a serving.  Stupid...  But the soup just seemed like so much food.  Anyway, I was pretty content with that.  However, Drew came over and brought us cake and I was forced to eat a slice.  A WHOLE SLICE OF CAKE!!!  Gahhhhh.....  I feel so unbearably fat right now.  I just want it out!  But I can't go throw it up because I currently have three people over who would definitely notice.  This sucks....

On the plus side!  I got Ellen as a little today :D  I'm so excited about that!!  I've wanted her to be my little in the theatre fraternity since I met her working on The Foreigner.  I was actually really nervous that she wouldn't end up being my little.  That she wouldn't even want me to be her big.  But no worries!  She is now :)

Down side:  I will still have to eat tomorrow...  Normally I would just say that eating this much today means fasting tomorrow.  But having people constantly on your back about eating makes that just about impossible.  Unless I want Ellen to have a fasting day as well which I am definitely not okay with.  So somehow I need to get away with eating small amounts of really low calorie foods.  However, she doesn't just care about me eating.  She cares what I am eating and how much I am eating.  So it makes it difficult to get away with anything.  I just wish people made it easier for me.  Can't they see I just need to lose this awful fat??  I weight entirely too much and need to keep losing.  

Anyway, this entry is getting a bit long so I'll stop it here and update again soon.

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Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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