Saturday, February 18, 2012

I cut again today...

My mom texted me asking if she's ever hit me.  It was such a weird conversation that I have to put it on here.  I was so confused and uncomfortable by the conversation.

Mom - Pregunta: has mommy ever hit you?
Me - What?
Mom - Answer honestly
Me - No.  Unless I've repressed it, haha.  Why?
Mom - Unless you've been drinking.
Me - What?
Me - I haven't
Mom - Aunt Nicole and I are discussing spanking with Daddy.
Me - Oh!  You were making me nervous.  Lol.  What are you guys saying?
Mom - I'm asking if I've ever spanked you.
Me - Oh.  I don't remember.  Maybe?
Mom - Ok.  I say yes.  Daddy doesn't believe me.  It was for your own good and obviously worked!!
Me - I would believe it if you said you had.  I just don't remember it really.  And worked for what?  Haha.  That I'm not a delinquent?
Mom - Yup.  Mission accomplished.  Love you
Me - Love you too
Mom - Gnite.
Me - Night :)

It was an incredibly weird conversation and I just felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable the whole time.  And I ended up cutting...  Two beautiful lines.  One on my left rib cage and the other on my left hip.  Nancy will be interested to hear about that...  The good thing is she told me that she knew it wasn't realistic to expect me not to cut ever again just because I had one appointment with her.  She just wants me to make a note of what's going on in my life at the time I do it.

- Strange text conversation with my mom
- I found out my dad won't be able to come to the play that I'm in....again.  He's always working which is understandable but it still sucks
- It's tech weekend for Lysistrata which is always a stressful time in itself
- The TD (technical director) for Lysistrata has been perpetually mad at me and keeps telling me I'm not doing a good job, no matter how hard I work or how many extra hours I put in!  I was working at the theatre from 2:30pm to 9:00pm today.  In addition to the 9 hours a week I put in ever week, at minimum!  But I'm ME (master electrician) and apparently am not working hard enough.

I think that's about it...  I don't have any tests coming up or large papers due.  I'm not on my period.  I haven't been drinking.  Now for some emotions that I've been feeling recently.

- I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to receive horrible news.  I don't know exactly when it started or why but lately it's all I can think about.  I opened the letter my Gammi (Grandma) sent me, she writes me twice a week, and there was a picture of my Gampi (Grandpa) and I thought she was writing me to say that he passed away.  Really she just wanted me to have a picture.  The conversation with my mom I was convinced she was going to tell me she used to be abusive and I just didn't remember it.  Things like that just take over my mind lately.
- I've been feeling like my friends don't really want me around so I've been sort of distancing myself.  This isn't a new feeling at all.  I constantly feel this way.  Thankfully I've been getting closer to Erica so at least I feel okay around her.  But for some reason with Megg, Kristen, and Andrea I just feel out of place and unwanted.  So I've been pulling away.
- FAT!!  I have disgusting fat all over my body that I need to get rid of.  I purged last night after eating chips and salsa at Chili's because I felt so disgusting.  I wanted to purge tonight after eating pizza but I ate it around 7 and didn't get back to my room till 9:15 so there was no way that would have worked.

I think that's about it.  So that's all I have for now.

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