Tuesday, March 6, 2012

F**k the Bullsh*t

I'm fat, ugly, stupid...what's the point?

I feel so absolutely gross right now.  Haven't cut in over a week.  The anxiety is just building up and I really need to do it again...  But I'm home for Spring Break and it's harder to get away with here.  Especially since I'm going to the beach in two days..  Gonna have to explain the cuts to Laura.  At least it's just gonna be the two of us and she knows I've cut in the past, telling her won't be entirely too difficult.  Plus, who gives a shit if people know?  What are they gonna do?  Nothing.  They can't do anything!!  Lock me up?  Force me into therapy?  I'm 20 fricken years old.  Good luck forcing me to do anything.

I'm watching Girl Interrupted right now.  Strangely it's fairly triggering.  Filled with crazy people.  Including people with EDs.  I've yet to see a self-harmer but whatever.  Triggering for both none the less.  I'm so over pretending I'm fine.  If my friends wanna know I cut, so be it.  If they wanna know I don't eat, go ahead.  It's who I am.  I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last December and it makes me physically ill to think about.  Hiding it just makes me gain weight and I don't want that!  I'm not gonna let my parents know or anything.  But I'm not going to great lengths to hide it from my "friends."  They don't do anything anyway.

1 comment:

  1. hey hun, it's good to have you back. Sad to hear that things aren't going so well for you. I guess what would be best now would be to just forget everything that's happened and start afresh. New start. And things will be better this time.

    I've been cutting quite a bit too. I find it good stress release and if it works for me then I will keep doing it. I just don't want people finding out because I don't want to get in trouble with my job, but otherwise I don't really care.


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