The only reason I'm writing now is to say I'm alive. I started popping ibuprofine after my last post. I made it to 8 before Ellen came over. She brought Cassie, my other little, with her. The got to my apartment and sat with me in my room for about a minute. I could tell Ellen had been crying... She was in her room and we were texting and I was telling her I was upset. And I was talking to her about how things were just pointless and I didn't know what to do and she said, "Big should I come over?" I told her she didn't have to. I felt bad making her come over... And she insisted on coming over anyway. So she texted me saying "Don't do anything before I get there" No response. She texted again "Pleeeeaasseee" So I said I wasn't cutting and that I wasn't doing anything right then. And she asked what I had done before and I told her I took 8 ibuprofin tablets. So that's why she was crying... because of me... I felt awful!
Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up. Which I tried, I really did. But nothing came up. Cassie was in the bathroom briefly. But most of the time she spent in my room. I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either. Though that's just the way she handles things. I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot. Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who. But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital. Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything. So of course I didn't need to go. So I gave up trying to throw up.
I'm sure I was a site to see... Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back. And then I just started crying. Sobbing actually. And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me. It was the most touching experience. I felt awful that I was putting her through this... She just held me like she didn't want to lose me. How could I be so selfish?
The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried. It was nice to have them there.... I desperately needed them. They spent the night which was nice as well.
I apologized to them both. Which they both said was unnecessary. But I feel awful... It's not fair to them for me to put them through this. They shouldn't have to deal with it. These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them. Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone. Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me. I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."
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