Teresa vs. Nancy

I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  Teresa.  She's really nice and I liked her a lot.  But it felt so...weird.  Oddly professional.  With Nancy it always felt so conversational.  With Teresa it's different.

Nancy:
Entering through the backdoor of the counseling center I step into a small waiting room just outside of the administrative assistants office.  A slightly overweight blonde hands me some paper work for me to fill out while I wait for Nancy to be ready.  After filling it out I sit on a bench made comfortable with small pillows until Nancy comes to get me.  Then I follow her up the cute staircase and to her office, tucked in the back corner.  The door opens to reveal a quaint, cozy office with her desk and a corner with two comfortable arm chairs and a rocking chair.  We each take an armchair and proceed with our session.  She lays back in her chair, relaxed and we just talk.

Teresa:
Maybe one or two cars pass by the building as I sit in my car for 10 minutes, gathering the courage to enter the side door of this new psychiatrists building.  Finally I enter the building and find myself in an empty hallway with so many doors.  How many doors are there?  Ten at least.  And gathering by the stairway to my left there are just as many doors upstairs.  Long, thin hallway where only one person could fit comfortably.  Where do I go?  A glass window stands in front of me.  Do I knock?  But where do I wait while filling out paper work.  Better head upstairs.  Nothing up there but doors....better head back to the glass window.  I tap on it lightly...what if I'm not supposed to tap on the glass?  My doctors office has a sign asking you not to.  But I don't see a sign.  Great no one is answering...Now wh...Oh!  A short, petit brunette slides open the window and asks if I'm a new patient.  Yes.  I'm handed a clipboard and blue pen with a tip that's way to thick for my liking.  Oh well...  The woman directs me to the first door on my left labeled "Waiting Room"  Ahh, so that's where I wait.  Opening the door I think it's more of a closet or cupboard under the stairs rather than an actual room.  A long couch and three armchairs sit waiting for me.  I sit in a chair and fill out the paper work and wait for Teresa.  She arrives just as I'm finishing filling everything out.  We head to the last door on the right side of the hallway.  We can't even stand next to her.  I'm just following.  Her office is huge!  Three different seating areas await us.  She directs me to the black leather couch in the back corner telling me it's the most comfortable.  Her seat?  A desk chair directly in front of me.  She comes equipped with a clipboard and pen.  For what?  Is she really going to take notes on me?  *Sigh*...  We proceed with the session.  And, surprisingly, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable as I was expecting.  Yes, she's jotting down notes.  But she's paying attention and attempting to understand.  She's taking notes to keep track of what I'm saying.  She'll probably analyze it later.  Can't wait to see what she thinks is wrong with me.  She asks me questions about myself and asks me to clarify.  She builds on what I say and seems so interested in understand me.  She seems genuine.  I like her.

My next appointment is on Monday, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I'm interested to see what happens now that she's had time to review her notes.  I wonder what's in those notes...what did she put on that clipboard of her.  She filled up three pages of notes during our session...what did she fill those pages with??

Wednesday I have a doctors appointment.  My last (I'm fairly certain) with my pediatrician.  I have to graduate to an adult doctor now.  But anyway, she wants to do blood work.  She wants to check my thyroid and check other chemical factors that could be attributed to anxiety and depression.  My phobia of needles is going to make this all the more fun...not.  Oh well, just gonna have to suck it up and deal.

So I told my mom yesterday... ughhhh.  She was really shocked when I told her, which I was expecting.  Then she asked to see the scars which was awful.  I didn't show her all of them but showed her a few.  Basically, to the sum up the conversation, she told me it was stupid and I wasn't accomplishing anything by it (gee, thanks mom, I had no idea).  She also asked if I was just doing this for the attention.  Yes.  I kept it hidden for so long because I wanted the attention -_-

AHHHH!!!!  (That was me screaming, lol).  I understand that she wasn't expecting it but still.  The way she reacted made me feel even more awful about it and myself.  And when she asked if I had ever done anything else self-destructive I told her I used to have an eating disorder and wasn't eating enough.  She said "Like anorexia?" I said "yes" and her response was "But you never got too thin."   UGHHHH!!!  MOTHER!!!  What kind of a reaction is that??  Yes, it is difficult to understand when you aren't the one going through it.  But still.  So now I don't know what to do.  I told her I wanted to see someone while I was home and she asked me who I wanted to see.  Well mom, I don't know.  This is why I'm coming to you!!  So now I don't know if I need to look into this for myself or if she is going to help me.  And now being in my house is just awkward.  She also told my dad but he hasn't said anything to me about it.

I have no idea what I'm doing....

I'm telling my mom about my cutting tomorrow.  Hopefully that is...

I met with Nancy a few days before coming home for summer (I came home today and met with Nancy about three days ago) to talk to her about how to tell my parents.  They are going to find out eventually.  With the amount of scars I have and the amount of times we go on the boat over the summer.  Plus I think they need to know.

Nancy told me she wants me to see a counselor while I'm home for the summer and she strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I'm absolutely terrified to tell my mom...  I have it written out in a letter and will either read it to her or just hand it to her tomorrow depending on how I feel.  I'll probably end up handing it to her.  Either way is going to result in extremely high levels of anxiety that I'm not sure I could handle...  I'm nervous I won't tell her at all.

Here's what I have written as of now:

"Mommy,

I think this is the most difficult thing I have ever and will ever try to write.  It could also be the most important.  I had to write it down because I wanted to be sure I included everything which I wouldn't have been able to do just talking to you.

I started going to the counseling center at school and talking to Nancy.  I've been having a lot of issues with anxiety and feelings of depression.  But what really prompted my decision to go was something different.  I've been cutting myself.

This is definitely not something I'm proud of and it's extremely difficult to tell you.  I don't want you to be upset or disappointed.  And, most importantly, I don't want you to blame yourself!  I really want to move past this and get better.  Nancy believes I should see a counselor while I'm home for the summer until I go to Ohio and then again when I come back.  She also strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I hope you'll support me in trying to recover and will help me find someone to go to.

I love you so much and need your help/support."

Hopefully I'll be able to give this to her tomorrow...  I really do need the help and want her support.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Life has been unbelievably hectic here and I've barely had enough time to breath let alone update my blog. On the plus side, busy schedule = no time to think about my issues so I've been in a relatively good mood every day.  Saturday night I cut again.  My wrists like an idiot.  And there were a lot of people over which just wasn't a smart move on my part.  I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk, oh well.  I cut lightly over two of my veins.  Not deep enough to cut them, just enough to produce blood.  I'm progressively getting more and more daring when I cut.  Either I cut deeper in an area where I can't see a vein, or I cut directly on top of a vein.  Always too frightened to cut into one just incase.  But I'm wondering how long it will take before my curiosity outdoes my fear.  Only time will tell.

Eating has been relatively normal.  I'm a fat cow and learning to cope with it.  Haven't weighed in forever but I'm guessing I'm around 135 or 140.  Nothing is too loose on me now which I'm not happy with.  But, again, I'm learning to deal with that.

Well I have a lot of homework to get done before dress rehearsal tonight so I'm going to end my post here!

Cut again!  I want the blood.  I need the blood..  Right now I'm curious as to how long it takes to bleed out if you slit your wrists.  I don't want to kill myself.  That isn't my goal.  Right now I just want to end up in the hospital.  I really think that's the only way I'm going to get over any of this shit.  But I don't want to die trying.  Now you all probably think I'm some fake bitch who is only doing this for attention.  Well fuck anyone who thinks that!  I'm sorry...I'm in such an awful mood today.  It's just been horrible.

In one of my classes one girl had the audacity to say that people who don't eat are doing it for selfish reasons to better themselves.  Fuck you!!!  I don't have an eating disorder because it makes me feel happy inside!  Ughhh...  I hate ignorant people!  And on top of that I'm going through stupid drama with some people who used to be my friends.  And I'm having my usually feelings of self-hatred and the paranoia that everyone around me wishes I were dead.  I just don't know what to do at this point...

Shout out to Judith Marie for her lovely comments <3  They are always super appreciated.  No worries, I won't get super into laxatives.  I took two Thursday night and they kicked it 8.5 hours later, I took two Saturday night and they didn't do anything all day so I took three Sunday night and they worked great!  Now I don't wanna take them again for a while.

Things are going pretty well back at school.  Woke up at 7:30am this morning to go to the gym and run on the treadmill and do some ab workouts.  I still feel incredibly fat...but I'm eating healthier and the giving up sweets for lent was the greatest decision ever.  Now being around super sweet food makes me feel sick.

Anyway, this was just a quick update.  I just finished a psychology power point for my presentation tomorrow and now I'm gonna go to bed.  Love you all!

Correct Prediction!!

My prediction was correct!!  Today was a complete day of fasting :D  I had two cups of tea (0 cals) and that's it!  And I'm not even hungry, this is getting a lot easier.  Skipping meals was easier to get away with than I thought it was going to be.  I woke up and went shopping with my mom and dad (I got the yarn I wanted so I can start a new knitting project!!).  Once we got home, my mom made sandwiches for my dad and brother but I had to go to CVS so she didn't make me anything.  I took one of my best friends with me to CVS and she came over afterwards.  And, to my luck, my mom wasn't home!  She took my brother to a friends' house (he's only 15 so he can't drive).  Getting out of lunch = completed!  Another one of my friends asked me to go to church with her so I left to go to her house at 4:45pm so I managed to escape dinner with my family and when I was asked if I wanted to eat anything at her house, I said I had eaten just before coming over.  Once church was over I stayed at her house until 1:00am so getting of dinner = completed!!  On top of that, we played Just Dance 2 for the Wii for about 2 hours so I burned a lot of calories doing that!

I'd say today was a very successful day!  And I'm hoping tomorrow will be just as productive.  We'll just have to wait and see...

Oh my gosh!!!  I completely forgot to write this yesterday!!  In June I am going to go see Taylor Swift in concert!!!!!!  I am beyond excited, words can't even describe it.  She is my inspiration!  She seriously is fantastic and I cannot wait.

Well I'm off to bed!  I'll write again tomorrow (I'm assuming).

Tomorrow's Game Plan:
Go running!!
Keep myself busy to avoid food
Complete another successful day of fasting

Disappointed...

I am so disappointed in myself!!!  I was doing so well today!  This morning I managed to get away with eating only half of this cinnamon bun, french toast casserole thing that my mom made.  I took one look at it and all I could think about were the calories inside...I felt gross.  But Christmas is a pretty big deal with my family so I had to eat some of it.  I'm pretty sure I only ingested about 250-300 calories.  Disgusting I know but it's better than the whole thing!  Then I didn't eat anything else until dinner.  I had to make myself a plate for dinner since we had family over but I did really well and only put a little of everything so I wasn't over eating (turkey, broccoli, stuffing, mashed potatoes).  But then I lost it...I made berry tarts for dessert and I had to eat one of those (they are personal sized), and then I had a Christmas cookie that I baked with my Grandma.  Then somehow I took a few more bites of turkey and stuffing (not too much but I really shouldn't have) and later I had two more cookies!!!  What was I thinking?!!  I probably gained so much weight tonight....I can't believe I let myself do that.

Tomorrow I need to run!!  And do crunches and sit ups and work out until I feel like I'm going to pass out. Or until I pass out.  Anything to work off my Christmas binge!  I thought I was stronger than this...I'm predict a fast in my very near future.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I can come up with some excuse to get out of dinner (breakfast and lunch are easy to get away with since we don't eat these meals as a family).  Maybe I'll attempt a two day fast.  But that's going to be difficult with all of the left overs in the house.  My mom is going to keep trying to feed me...I'll just do the best I can and avoid food at all costs.  Getting out of the house will help a lot.  Maybe I'll go buy some yarn and start a new knitting project, I've just finished the scarf I was working on.

Did you know that I knit?  Well, I do!  I love to knit!!  I've completed many different knitting projects.  My next endeavor is going to be a bag.  I'm really excited about it.  And I have Christmas money now.  So, as an incentive to stay away from food, I will buy myself some yarn.  Maybe I should start rewarding myself for not eating.  I'll keep that in mind for the future if I think I need it.  Perhaps I have the strength to stay away from food and lose weight without a rewards system.  We'll see.

Note to self: I'm sorry for my lack of discipline and self-control.  I promise I will succeed tomorrow.  Trying is not good enough.  After all, if you try but fail, it doesn't matter how hard you tried...you still failed.

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that my first blog would be about anorexia?

Hi everyone.  I've never kept a blog or anything so I don't quite no what I'm doing, just bare with me.  So, what made me start this blog?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it has something to do with wanting to share my story and experiences.  Maybe I'm just crazy.  I don't know...  It's not like i'm someone special who people want to read a bog about.  But i guess that is of little to no importance.  Because this is my blog, all about me, and if you don't care then you don't have to read.

So I'm pretty nervous about tonight.  It's Christmas Eve and every year we go to my Grandma's house for dinner and family presents.  We usually do a nice Italian dinner (my mom's side is half-Italian) but this year my Grandma is too tired to make dinner so we are ordering pizza.  I'm going to try to get away with eating as little as possible, I'm just nervous that it's going to be hard.  I've been preparing for Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner though, I haven't eaten anything in a few days (this is the third day).  Well, that isn't entirely true. Yesterday I had a bowl of Select Harvest Italian-Style Vegetable Soup (only 50 calories!!).  But other than that I've been drinking tons of water (the faster you drink it, the fuller you get) and tea.  The idea of a big family dinner makes me pretty anxious though...I have to hope I have the strength to stop eating once I start.  I don't want to ruin all of my hard work!

A little about me:
I'm 19 years old at 5'8".  When this whole thing started I weighed around 127.  I currently (as of this morning) weigh 119!  My current goal weight is 115, but that will probably change once I reach it.  I weigh myself every morning when I wake up and keep a journal tracking my calorie intake each day.  I give myself a max of 500 calories but try not to go over 300 each day.  I generally feel extremely guilty if I do...  But there have been times where there was no getting around eating a lot of calories.

I suppose you'll learn more if you continue to follow my blog.  Assuming I can keep up with it, lol.  I think I'll be able to.  I enjoy talking about my anorexia, although I'm not sure why.

Well, my family is about to leave to go to my grandparent's house so I guess that's all for now!
Until next time :D