My thoughts are all jumbled and confused. I don't know what to do... I'm apologizing in advance to anyone reading this entry, I make no promises that it won't jump from topic to topic. So here's what's been on my mind lately:
I psychoanalyze all of my friends. It's just something I do. I love to figure out what makes them tick and learn how they think and feel and experience the world. I'm a very good people reader. It's one of my few talents. I just pick up on things really easily. Unfortunately, once I have a person figured out the dynamic of our relationship changes. I'm no longer keen on figuring them out, so it's almost as if they've lost their original purpose. So then I need to switch to a different purpose. Usually once I have someone figured out I like to open up to them and see if they can be there for me. Well, I've discovered that I have Megg figured out well and I don't know what to do now...
I don't understand her! Well, that's a lie. I understand her perfectly. I don't understand why. She loves to talk about herself. And I get it, lots of people do. But she always claims that she hates to talk about herself and her emotions and her feelings. But it's such a lie! That's all we ever talk about. Anytime I bring something up, the topic has to switch to her. And it's always that she's done something cooler, or better, or has had a worse experience, and her life is more difficult. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I used to listen to all of her problems intently and see how they've affected her personality and who she is today. I would start to offer advice to see the types of things she's willing to listen to and they types of things she wants to hear. Well now I know all of that. And she's had some pretty bad experiences. But the second I try to open up to her about something, she shuts it down. Last night we spent two hours talking about her and her issues and her feelings and everything about her. Then I mentioned that I'd been thinking harder about going to counseling. Her response? "Have you talked to Erica about it?" I said "Not yet, I've just been thinking..." This next response takes the cake: "Well, it's almost two, I'm gonna go try to sleep. Which means I'll probably play games on my phone for the next hour or so" Really?! I spent two fricken hours talking about you!! And you can't even stay for two minutes when it come to my issues?! That made me SO upset. I cried myself to sleep. And now I don't know what to do. Part of me has been semi distancing myself from her, but I don't want to lose her as a friend completely. But it seems like she doesn't care. And it's the type of thing I can't confront her about... Guess I'll just have to see how things pan out.
Dream vs. Reality:
It's starting to concern me a bit. This has only happened the past two nights but the fact that it's been twice in a row is starting to concern me. Two nights ago I had a dream that this girl Katie told me she likes the guy that I like here at school. Well yesterday I went to talk to her about it and then thought "wait a minute...I'm fairly certain I just dreamt that..." No big deal. That could happen to anyone. Well, last night I dreamt that I got my period. And throughout the dream I changed my tampon a few times (sorry if that's TMI for any of you). When I woke up this morning I was laying in bed for a bit and then thought "Shoot, need to get up and change my tampon!" I got up to go to the bathroom to find out that it had just beed a dream. Okay, so not that weird, it was a realistic dream and no one wants bloody sheets anyway. But the fact that it was twice in a row was enough for me to start paying attention to it. Hopefully this doesn't happen more regularly because I don't want to start having to second guess everything!
My OCD tendencies that I've always viewed as my little quirks are really starting to negatively effect my day to day life. These are all things I've been dealing with for years but recently I've noticed the extent to which they rule my life. The fact that I have to stand on the right side of people, not that big of a deal. It's easy to maneuver to that side of people during a walk. But when we sit at a table I feel completely disconnected from the group. I instantly feel the familiar depressive feelings and have this overwhelming desire to be by myself. Then there's the doing everything evenly. I have to eat things in even numbers (even pasta noodles) otherwise I can't eat them. Everything on my body must be even. If I bump into something or someone taps/hits me and there is a lingering feeling, I have to reproduce the feeling on the other side of my body. This includes when I'm walking and my heel accidentally drags along the ground, I have to be sure the other foot does the same thing. It becomes extremely irritating. Even when I bite one side of my lip I need to do the same to the other side. Before I know it my whole inside of the bottom lip is raw and chewed up. All because it has to be "even." And on sidewalks where there are cement blocks I have to walk the same amount of steps in each box. Two steps to this one, two in the next. But they are never spaced to where I can naturally walk like that so I spend my time walking to class, counting out my steps. Two, two, two, two, three, three, two, two. Ugh!!! And, of course, stepping on a crack or bump, or the yellow lines in front of the ramp are out of the question! And that's not even the beginning of the list! I'm starting to notice all the anxiety that it causes me and I just want it all to go away!
I want to be able to open up to a counselor about all of these things. And at night it seems like such a great idea. They could help me get over all of this! But then when I think about it during the day, I think it's an awful idea. I know myself. I can't just open up to someone about this. For so many reason. I hate talking about myself, especially in that type of situation. And I know that's what the counselors are there for but for some reason i can't do it. I feel like there are so many people who are worse off than I am. So a) I would be taking time away from people who really need it and b) I don't want to sound like a whining bitch, complaining over nothing at all. And I've lived over 20 years and I've been fine thus far. I don't see why I need to go to someone about things I should be able to work out on my own. And at the same time I know I can't get over these things on my own, I've been trying for years. I know the benefits of going to counseling but I just don't think I need it. Right?
And then there's the cutting... I desperately want to be over that. The past two times I've cut have been really bad and they hurt a lot. And they don't seem to be scabbing over... The one on my shoulder I did last Thursday night and it's Tuesday night now. The one on my ribs was done Saturday night. I've noticed my cuts are getting worse I really want to stop. Seems easy enough, right? Something I should be able to do alone. But I'm not sure I can... And then I go back to the thoughts of not being bad off enough to need a counselor. I'm not suffering from a traumatic experience, nothing horrible is going on in my life. I should just suck it up!
All of these things, and all the stress from classes, homework, rehearsals, my sorority, and everything else I'm involved in (cause I love keeping myself extremely busy) are draining me. I'm exhausted, and yet I can't get to sleep at night. I lay in bed for a few hours each night waiting for sleep to finally take hold. I just want to get in bed and be asleep within 10 or 15 minutes. Lack of sleep certainly isn't helping this cycle... But I know I'll do it all again tomorrow, and the next day. And it will all just continue. Maybe one day I'll snap, but I've made it this far. No one knows what the future will bring.
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