So I told my mom yesterday... ughhhh.  She was really shocked when I told her, which I was expecting.  Then she asked to see the scars which was awful.  I didn't show her all of them but showed her a few.  Basically, to the sum up the conversation, she told me it was stupid and I wasn't accomplishing anything by it (gee, thanks mom, I had no idea).  She also asked if I was just doing this for the attention.  Yes.  I kept it hidden for so long because I wanted the attention -_-

AHHHH!!!!  (That was me screaming, lol).  I understand that she wasn't expecting it but still.  The way she reacted made me feel even more awful about it and myself.  And when she asked if I had ever done anything else self-destructive I told her I used to have an eating disorder and wasn't eating enough.  She said "Like anorexia?" I said "yes" and her response was "But you never got too thin."   UGHHHH!!!  MOTHER!!!  What kind of a reaction is that??  Yes, it is difficult to understand when you aren't the one going through it.  But still.  So now I don't know what to do.  I told her I wanted to see someone while I was home and she asked me who I wanted to see.  Well mom, I don't know.  This is why I'm coming to you!!  So now I don't know if I need to look into this for myself or if she is going to help me.  And now being in my house is just awkward.  She also told my dad but he hasn't said anything to me about it.

I have no idea what I'm doing....

I'm telling my mom about my cutting tomorrow.  Hopefully that is...

I met with Nancy a few days before coming home for summer (I came home today and met with Nancy about three days ago) to talk to her about how to tell my parents.  They are going to find out eventually.  With the amount of scars I have and the amount of times we go on the boat over the summer.  Plus I think they need to know.

Nancy told me she wants me to see a counselor while I'm home for the summer and she strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I'm absolutely terrified to tell my mom...  I have it written out in a letter and will either read it to her or just hand it to her tomorrow depending on how I feel.  I'll probably end up handing it to her.  Either way is going to result in extremely high levels of anxiety that I'm not sure I could handle...  I'm nervous I won't tell her at all.

Here's what I have written as of now:

"Mommy,

I think this is the most difficult thing I have ever and will ever try to write.  It could also be the most important.  I had to write it down because I wanted to be sure I included everything which I wouldn't have been able to do just talking to you.

I started going to the counseling center at school and talking to Nancy.  I've been having a lot of issues with anxiety and feelings of depression.  But what really prompted my decision to go was something different.  I've been cutting myself.

This is definitely not something I'm proud of and it's extremely difficult to tell you.  I don't want you to be upset or disappointed.  And, most importantly, I don't want you to blame yourself!  I really want to move past this and get better.  Nancy believes I should see a counselor while I'm home for the summer until I go to Ohio and then again when I come back.  She also strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I hope you'll support me in trying to recover and will help me find someone to go to.

I love you so much and need your help/support."

Hopefully I'll be able to give this to her tomorrow...  I really do need the help and want her support.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Cut again!  I want the blood.  I need the blood..  Right now I'm curious as to how long it takes to bleed out if you slit your wrists.  I don't want to kill myself.  That isn't my goal.  Right now I just want to end up in the hospital.  I really think that's the only way I'm going to get over any of this shit.  But I don't want to die trying.  Now you all probably think I'm some fake bitch who is only doing this for attention.  Well fuck anyone who thinks that!  I'm sorry...I'm in such an awful mood today.  It's just been horrible.

In one of my classes one girl had the audacity to say that people who don't eat are doing it for selfish reasons to better themselves.  Fuck you!!!  I don't have an eating disorder because it makes me feel happy inside!  Ughhh...  I hate ignorant people!  And on top of that I'm going through stupid drama with some people who used to be my friends.  And I'm having my usually feelings of self-hatred and the paranoia that everyone around me wishes I were dead.  I just don't know what to do at this point...

Shout out to Judith Marie for her lovely comments <3  They are always super appreciated.  No worries, I won't get super into laxatives.  I took two Thursday night and they kicked it 8.5 hours later, I took two Saturday night and they didn't do anything all day so I took three Sunday night and they worked great!  Now I don't wanna take them again for a while.

Things are going pretty well back at school.  Woke up at 7:30am this morning to go to the gym and run on the treadmill and do some ab workouts.  I still feel incredibly fat...but I'm eating healthier and the giving up sweets for lent was the greatest decision ever.  Now being around super sweet food makes me feel sick.

Anyway, this was just a quick update.  I just finished a psychology power point for my presentation tomorrow and now I'm gonna go to bed.  Love you all!