Friday, February 3, 2012

Downhill Fast

I look like a normal college junior.  Sitting at my desk in my room, hair wet from my recent shower, laptop open, music playing...  Perfectly ordinary.  But that's just the surface.  I've great at portraying a normal twenty-year-old girl.  It's easy.  But for anyone who cares to take a closer look, I'm definitely not normal.  I took a shower after I got back from the gym after burning off 350+ cals to work off the fiber one bar I ate for breakfast.  My laptop is open to my facebook page specifically created to interact with others with eating disorders.  The music playing is "Skinny" by Edith Backlund.  Still think I'm a normal college junior?  Didn't think so...

I just got a text from Erica: Ok your apt with the school counselor is at 3 on Monday.  If you want me to go, let me know.  If you choose not to go, the only thing I ask is that you call and cancel the appointment before

Well, I can't.  I have a class so I'm going to call and cancel.  I told her that and she said to let her know if I cancel or postpone it.  I'm just canceling it.  I don't want to go.  There's no way I am opening up to the school counselor about any of this, it's not worth it, I'm fine!!

There is so much drama going on right now.  I really don't want to get into the details, I don't even understand them all.  But basically my group of friends is going to shit right now....  Megg, Erica, and I are fine.  But one of our other friends is acting really bitchy to Erica and was being bitchy to Megg a few days ago.  It's getting way to overwhelming.  I never thought I'd say this but, I miss not having friends..  When I was in high-school and didn't have friends I hated it.  I was alone all the time but I got used to it. It became a comfort to me to be alone, I didn't have to deal with anxiety I get around people and I didn't have to deal with drama.  Then coming to college I started making friends and loved it for a while.  And I guess I still do.  But it's not worth all this stupid fighting!!  It's stress that I don't know how to handle...  Well, I handle it in my own way.  I cut again last night to release all the anxiety and stress built up.  It's amazing how well that works.   It's almost like the pressure building up in a balloon and then you poke a small hole in it and suddenly there isn't so much pressure.  Then patch the hole and start again.

Well all this drama has apparently caught up to Erica.  She just sent a group text to Megg and me:
Erica: Hey, I'm deciding not to answer my phone for the next week.  Nothing against you guys at all,I just need to do it.  Love you both and I'll talk to you later.
When Megg asked her about it she said "I just need some time away from's not you guys I promise.  It's just something I have to do for myself."

Then she sent me a personal text saying "I sent that group message but still keep me update on this counseling stuff"  I just want to scream!!!  Is it weird that this is causing me so much stress and anxiety?  And I have no one to talk to about it!! I could talk to the school counselor but I'm not doing that.  I have no idea what to do...and today started out as such a great day!  I had a fiber one bar (140cals) then went to the gym and burned 300cals on the elliptical, did 160 crunches, and ran back to my apartment.  So combined that's over 350cals burned.  And I think I did well on the exam I took this morning.  And now everything is going to downhill....I just have to hope I can get through this.

1 comment:

  1. your calorie intake for that day FTW!!!! awesome!
    I have no idea what drama is unfolding between you and your friends. I hate drama, I don't understand it and I usually don't know how to deal with it.
    Well, the counselling, if you don't want it then you don't want it. There's no two ways about that. No one can force you to go.
    By the way...I'm going to look up that song right now!


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