Friday, October 26, 2012

Am I Broken?

Judith Marie!  Thank you so much for commenting!  It always brings me hope when I hear from you.

This morning I weighed 130.  It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow.  But I can't ever skip meals.  And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym.  Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.

Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing).  I really love spending time with him.  Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend.  We'll see if that ever happens.  Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself.  But I can't.  I'm too "old fashioned" for that.  The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.

I think my meds aren't working so well anymore.  Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here.  The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it.  So I'm stuck in a loop in my head.  I don't know what to do...  The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad.  Depressed.  I don't want to do anything or see anyone.  The slightest thing triggers it.  I want to cut so badly!!  I just want the blood and the pain.  But I don't want the scars.  And that is keeping me away from razors.  I've seriously been considering just bruising myself.  Hitting myself with something or running into the wall.  That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar.  But I would be able to see a bruise.

I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently.  Pretty bad ones.  For no real reason either.  So I don't know how to prevent them...  I just text Ellen when they happen.  That way I don't feel completely alone through it.  I do the same thing during my spouts of depression.  Text Ellen.  Reach out and remind myself that she is always there.  For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that.  If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse.  And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone.  I wonder why it's different.  And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me.  My first reaction is to reach out to her.  I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.

Why am I so fucked up?  Surely I am broken...  How else do you explain all of this?

1 comment:

  1. hey hun, I'm now back at home with internet!!!!! this is the first time I've laid in bed and used the internet simultaneously in 9 weeks and it feels great.

    I understand about you not wanting to ask the guy. I'm old fashioned in that way too. I'm all up for feminism but some of the old rituals are rather nice.

    You're lucky to have someone like Ellen in your life, really you are. Hang in there, if you need an alternation in medication you should definitely go see the psychiatrist about it.


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