Teresa vs. Nancy

I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  Teresa.  She's really nice and I liked her a lot.  But it felt so...weird.  Oddly professional.  With Nancy it always felt so conversational.  With Teresa it's different.

Nancy:
Entering through the backdoor of the counseling center I step into a small waiting room just outside of the administrative assistants office.  A slightly overweight blonde hands me some paper work for me to fill out while I wait for Nancy to be ready.  After filling it out I sit on a bench made comfortable with small pillows until Nancy comes to get me.  Then I follow her up the cute staircase and to her office, tucked in the back corner.  The door opens to reveal a quaint, cozy office with her desk and a corner with two comfortable arm chairs and a rocking chair.  We each take an armchair and proceed with our session.  She lays back in her chair, relaxed and we just talk.

Teresa:
Maybe one or two cars pass by the building as I sit in my car for 10 minutes, gathering the courage to enter the side door of this new psychiatrists building.  Finally I enter the building and find myself in an empty hallway with so many doors.  How many doors are there?  Ten at least.  And gathering by the stairway to my left there are just as many doors upstairs.  Long, thin hallway where only one person could fit comfortably.  Where do I go?  A glass window stands in front of me.  Do I knock?  But where do I wait while filling out paper work.  Better head upstairs.  Nothing up there but doors....better head back to the glass window.  I tap on it lightly...what if I'm not supposed to tap on the glass?  My doctors office has a sign asking you not to.  But I don't see a sign.  Great no one is answering...Now wh...Oh!  A short, petit brunette slides open the window and asks if I'm a new patient.  Yes.  I'm handed a clipboard and blue pen with a tip that's way to thick for my liking.  Oh well...  The woman directs me to the first door on my left labeled "Waiting Room"  Ahh, so that's where I wait.  Opening the door I think it's more of a closet or cupboard under the stairs rather than an actual room.  A long couch and three armchairs sit waiting for me.  I sit in a chair and fill out the paper work and wait for Teresa.  She arrives just as I'm finishing filling everything out.  We head to the last door on the right side of the hallway.  We can't even stand next to her.  I'm just following.  Her office is huge!  Three different seating areas await us.  She directs me to the black leather couch in the back corner telling me it's the most comfortable.  Her seat?  A desk chair directly in front of me.  She comes equipped with a clipboard and pen.  For what?  Is she really going to take notes on me?  *Sigh*...  We proceed with the session.  And, surprisingly, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable as I was expecting.  Yes, she's jotting down notes.  But she's paying attention and attempting to understand.  She's taking notes to keep track of what I'm saying.  She'll probably analyze it later.  Can't wait to see what she thinks is wrong with me.  She asks me questions about myself and asks me to clarify.  She builds on what I say and seems so interested in understand me.  She seems genuine.  I like her.

My next appointment is on Monday, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I'm interested to see what happens now that she's had time to review her notes.  I wonder what's in those notes...what did she put on that clipboard of her.  She filled up three pages of notes during our session...what did she fill those pages with??

Wednesday I have a doctors appointment.  My last (I'm fairly certain) with my pediatrician.  I have to graduate to an adult doctor now.  But anyway, she wants to do blood work.  She wants to check my thyroid and check other chemical factors that could be attributed to anxiety and depression.  My phobia of needles is going to make this all the more fun...not.  Oh well, just gonna have to suck it up and deal.

Life has been unbelievably hectic here and I've barely had enough time to breath let alone update my blog. On the plus side, busy schedule = no time to think about my issues so I've been in a relatively good mood every day.  Saturday night I cut again.  My wrists like an idiot.  And there were a lot of people over which just wasn't a smart move on my part.  I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk, oh well.  I cut lightly over two of my veins.  Not deep enough to cut them, just enough to produce blood.  I'm progressively getting more and more daring when I cut.  Either I cut deeper in an area where I can't see a vein, or I cut directly on top of a vein.  Always too frightened to cut into one just incase.  But I'm wondering how long it will take before my curiosity outdoes my fear.  Only time will tell.

Eating has been relatively normal.  I'm a fat cow and learning to cope with it.  Haven't weighed in forever but I'm guessing I'm around 135 or 140.  Nothing is too loose on me now which I'm not happy with.  But, again, I'm learning to deal with that.

Well I have a lot of homework to get done before dress rehearsal tonight so I'm going to end my post here!

Cut again!  I want the blood.  I need the blood..  Right now I'm curious as to how long it takes to bleed out if you slit your wrists.  I don't want to kill myself.  That isn't my goal.  Right now I just want to end up in the hospital.  I really think that's the only way I'm going to get over any of this shit.  But I don't want to die trying.  Now you all probably think I'm some fake bitch who is only doing this for attention.  Well fuck anyone who thinks that!  I'm sorry...I'm in such an awful mood today.  It's just been horrible.

In one of my classes one girl had the audacity to say that people who don't eat are doing it for selfish reasons to better themselves.  Fuck you!!!  I don't have an eating disorder because it makes me feel happy inside!  Ughhh...  I hate ignorant people!  And on top of that I'm going through stupid drama with some people who used to be my friends.  And I'm having my usually feelings of self-hatred and the paranoia that everyone around me wishes I were dead.  I just don't know what to do at this point...

Shout out to Judith Marie for her lovely comments <3  They are always super appreciated.  No worries, I won't get super into laxatives.  I took two Thursday night and they kicked it 8.5 hours later, I took two Saturday night and they didn't do anything all day so I took three Sunday night and they worked great!  Now I don't wanna take them again for a while.

Things are going pretty well back at school.  Woke up at 7:30am this morning to go to the gym and run on the treadmill and do some ab workouts.  I still feel incredibly fat...but I'm eating healthier and the giving up sweets for lent was the greatest decision ever.  Now being around super sweet food makes me feel sick.

Anyway, this was just a quick update.  I just finished a psychology power point for my presentation tomorrow and now I'm gonna go to bed.  Love you all!