I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days. Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening. Then it's back to school Sunday. What a welcome home it's been. I was eating dinner with my mom. She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen. I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting" I looked up and just stared. She knows what I've been through. Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still! I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say. To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?" So I put my fork down and stopped eating. ... For real?? Ughhh.... Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal." Well f*** that. Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.
I texted Ellen about it. She's been a huge support system for me. Which I feel bad about... I hate what it's doing to her. I can tell it makes her upset. And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her. I have absolutely no idea... And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out. I just want to know what's going through her head. I talked to her about that the other day. I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it. She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for. Nothing negative. She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts). Not gonna lie that hurt a bit. I know she didn't mean it in a negative way. But...I don't know. It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life. But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.
I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home. I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting. I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying. But I'm still nervous. She wasn't talkative though... I'm not sure why. Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about. Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Or maybe it's too painful for her. I have no idea.. I just wish she would confide me! I'm throwing everything at her. Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words. I tell her everything. I just want a piece of that in return.... Maybe that's too much to ask?
Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today. She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)" The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Be more, not less!"