Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Silence the daemons screaming "you're not good enough!  you never have been!!"  Try to drown the voices yelling "no one cares about you, just kill yourself already!"  Fight the urge to cut.  The urge to see the blood.  The urge to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside.  "you're such a baby! grow up and learn to deal with life.  or just end it."

Nothing even happened...  I hate that I feel this way over nothing!  Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great.  I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social.  And all of a sudden it all turned.  Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place...  What is wrong with me?  Apparently everything...  I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me.  It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do.  I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid...  Gahhh  I just don't know what I'm going to do.  I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong.  Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me.  Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth.  I don't know...  I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way.  But I don't think there is.  Probably because it's the truth.  I don't deserve to have friends.  I don't deserve to be here...

1 comment:

  1. I could have easily written this post myself. Easily. The urge to cut is always there, regardless of how good life gets.


Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 54%
Antisocial |||||| 22%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Histrionic |||||| 26%
Narcissistic |||||| 22%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%
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