Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I realized my post last night had a lot of information...  I apologize for making it so long but I had a lot to get off my chest.  Thank you to Judith Marie and Christina for their supportive comments.  It really means a lot to have people out there.

So I don't know if I'm ready for counseling and recovery.  The only thing I can think of is how much weight I still need to lose.  I've been down to 117 and I want to be there again!  I don't know if I'm ready to give that goal up and go to therapy.  I don't believe I'm even to the point where therapy is necessary.  Everything is fine.

But then again...if Erica and Megg both think I need help, maybe I'm missing something.  I just don't know what to do...  Why is this decision so hard to make?  I'm not underweight.  I weigh too much.  There's no way a psychologist/therapist/whoever would take me seriously.  I would understand if I looked too thin or weighed much less than I do now.  Maybe then therapy and counseling would make sense.  But right now I'm just not sure I need it.

Erica hasn't talked to her psychology professor again yet.  She is waiting for me to let her know what my rehearsal schedule is (we find out today) so she can e-mail him letting him know the days/times I'm available.  I'd like to be down to 125 by the time I meet with him though that's not gonna happen.  That doesn't give me much time to lose all that weight.  I'm not even sure how much weight that is since Erica took my scale and put it in the back of her car so I couldn't be tempted to step on it.  I really want it back...  Looks like I'm gonna fast as much as possible.  And when I do it I need to know exactly how many calories it is so I don't get out of control.  I'm also not sure how much time that gives me.  My guess is she'll e-mail him tomorrow and he'll get back to her letting her know when we should meet.  For all I know that could be Thursday.  Which only gives me two days.  So I guess that's not gonna happen...  The last time I went to a counselor was here at school and I weighed 125 on our second visit.  She weighed me...  I then dropped 8 lbs but I never went to see her again.  Then I gained a shit ton of weight and ended up at 140lb!!!  That is absolutely not acceptable.  I never want to weigh that much again.  Now I fluctuate between 130 and 135.  I'm hoping I'm towards the lower end of that right now and that I continue to lose weight till I'm back to 125.  And then ultimately I'd like to be 115 and stay there.

I know...my mind is all over the place so I apologize if this post seems scattered and disorganized.  It's just a lot for me to handle right now.  I will definitely keep you all updated with this whole thing.  I have a feeling a lot of these posts will be me trying to figure out what I want to do.

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