Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Just need to type!

I have mixed emotions today...  Let me start from the beginning.

I spent the morning and afternoon making spaghetti sauce for my friend.  I didn't eat anything and was feeling really good about myself.  Then my mom told me she was coming home early from work (at 1:00pm) so around 12:15 I made a peanut butter and jelly wrap on a little flour tortilla.  I took one bite then went outside and put the rest in the garbage bin.  I made sure to put the peanut butter and jelly back in slightly different places and left evidence of the sandwich on the plate (little peanut butter drops and jelly smears) and put the dirty knife in the sink.  My mom smelled the peanut butter when she came home and believed everything!  It was wonderful :D  So I didn't have to worry about her pestering me about eating.

So that's all that I had eaten.  Then, my brother made pigs in a blanket and I couldn't resist eating much for self-control!  Then I had a few pieces of caramel corn...  This is not okay!!  Now my family is thinking of going to Outback for dinner and, if we go, I know I'm going to go waaay over my 100 for the day.  So I was thinking of how to get out of it, and I had it all planned out.  And then my mind started losing it!  All of a sudden I wanted to go to Outback and I wanted to eat the calories and the food...  What is wrong with me?!  All of a sudden I wished so badly to get over the ana...but I know that when I wake up tomorrow they will be back.  So what do I do?!  I can't give's not worth it!  But I know if we go out I am going makes me want to cry.  How can I willingly shovel all of those calories in my mouth when I know it's not what I ultimately want?

I just need help....and support...I don't know what to do anymore!  At least for tonight...tomorrow I will be back.  I will keep counting and restricting calories.  I just don't know how to handle moments like this...

If someone is reading this blog, and I'm starting to think that no one does, if you could just leave a supporting comment.  Anything!  Something nice or supportive or helpful.  Just so I know someone is there...


  1. heyyy
    i've been readying your blog and i completely understand. love to talk over email if you want?

    x ginny

  2. hey i just read this, and have you ever had an ana buddy? you can email me @ or text me 774-291-1105(if you live in US)


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