Disappointed...

I am so disappointed in myself!!!  I was doing so well today!  This morning I managed to get away with eating only half of this cinnamon bun, french toast casserole thing that my mom made.  I took one look at it and all I could think about were the calories inside...I felt gross.  But Christmas is a pretty big deal with my family so I had to eat some of it.  I'm pretty sure I only ingested about 250-300 calories.  Disgusting I know but it's better than the whole thing!  Then I didn't eat anything else until dinner.  I had to make myself a plate for dinner since we had family over but I did really well and only put a little of everything so I wasn't over eating (turkey, broccoli, stuffing, mashed potatoes).  But then I lost it...I made berry tarts for dessert and I had to eat one of those (they are personal sized), and then I had a Christmas cookie that I baked with my Grandma.  Then somehow I took a few more bites of turkey and stuffing (not too much but I really shouldn't have) and later I had two more cookies!!!  What was I thinking?!!  I probably gained so much weight tonight....I can't believe I let myself do that.

Tomorrow I need to run!!  And do crunches and sit ups and work out until I feel like I'm going to pass out. Or until I pass out.  Anything to work off my Christmas binge!  I thought I was stronger than this...I'm predict a fast in my very near future.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I can come up with some excuse to get out of dinner (breakfast and lunch are easy to get away with since we don't eat these meals as a family).  Maybe I'll attempt a two day fast.  But that's going to be difficult with all of the left overs in the house.  My mom is going to keep trying to feed me...I'll just do the best I can and avoid food at all costs.  Getting out of the house will help a lot.  Maybe I'll go buy some yarn and start a new knitting project, I've just finished the scarf I was working on.

Did you know that I knit?  Well, I do!  I love to knit!!  I've completed many different knitting projects.  My next endeavor is going to be a bag.  I'm really excited about it.  And I have Christmas money now.  So, as an incentive to stay away from food, I will buy myself some yarn.  Maybe I should start rewarding myself for not eating.  I'll keep that in mind for the future if I think I need it.  Perhaps I have the strength to stay away from food and lose weight without a rewards system.  We'll see.

Note to self: I'm sorry for my lack of discipline and self-control.  I promise I will succeed tomorrow.  Trying is not good enough.  After all, if you try but fail, it doesn't matter how hard you tried...you still failed.