Need to Lose!!

I don't even know how to describe today.  I thought I was doing so well...  I didn't eat breakfast, I've stopped doing that completely.  Nobody makes me and I take any chance to skip a meal that I can.  I didn't eat lunch either!  It was the best.  I ended up eating half an apple and some cheese and crackers but not that many.  And then I had a smoothie around 4:30.  And then I was forced to eat an actual dinner...  I ate soup, thankfully only half a can (which is a full serving by the way!)  Ellen was going to make me eat the whole can but there's just no way!  Instead I ate a 100 calorie pack of pretzels.  So, in hindsight, I should have just finished the soup since it's only 90 calories a serving.  Stupid...  But the soup just seemed like so much food.  Anyway, I was pretty content with that.  However, Drew came over and brought us cake and I was forced to eat a slice.  A WHOLE SLICE OF CAKE!!!  Gahhhhh.....  I feel so unbearably fat right now.  I just want it out!  But I can't go throw it up because I currently have three people over who would definitely notice.  This sucks....

On the plus side!  I got Ellen as a little today :D  I'm so excited about that!!  I've wanted her to be my little in the theatre fraternity since I met her working on The Foreigner.  I was actually really nervous that she wouldn't end up being my little.  That she wouldn't even want me to be her big.  But no worries!  She is now :)

Down side:  I will still have to eat tomorrow...  Normally I would just say that eating this much today means fasting tomorrow.  But having people constantly on your back about eating makes that just about impossible.  Unless I want Ellen to have a fasting day as well which I am definitely not okay with.  So somehow I need to get away with eating small amounts of really low calorie foods.  However, she doesn't just care about me eating.  She cares what I am eating and how much I am eating.  So it makes it difficult to get away with anything.  I just wish people made it easier for me.  Can't they see I just need to lose this awful fat??  I weight entirely too much and need to keep losing.  

Anyway, this entry is getting a bit long so I'll stop it here and update again soon.

Slowly Dropping Weight

I can't believe Judith Marie got rid of her blog....  I was gone for so long that I completely missed it.  I'm definitely going to miss having her on here.  She was such a support through all of this.

Weight Update:  I am officially 130.8 lbs  I'm so excited about that!  For now my goal is 125, then 120, then 115.  I haven't decided if I want to stay at 115 or go down to 110.  But, one step at a time.  I have my sights set on 125 :D

Ellen is making it difficult...  She has decided that she's not going to eat if I'm not eating.  I love her to death and it pains me to think she would stop eating.  She doesn't deserve that at all...  So I eat so that she'll eat.  Though I try to get away with eating as little as possible since it is also paining me to eat.  I'm so conflicted!  I know she's just trying to help because she cares about me.  But I just wish she'd let me not eat.  Not even completely stop, just eat very minimally.  Like, an apple a day or something.  Anyway, the road to weight loss will be slow since she's monitoring my food intake.  And I've promised not to lie to her about anything.  I will tell her if I'm not eating.  Trust is a big thing for me and I just can't lose that.

My collar bones and hip bones are helping to motivate me!  At 5'8" and 130.8 lbs they are slightly more noticeable than before.  Not too much, no one should be alarmed yet.  But I love them!  And I can't wait to be able to see more of them.  Is that bad?  I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose "too much" weight.  Too many people that I'm close to know about my eating disorder and cutting so they are quick to jump on me if they think the slightest thing is going wrong.  Especially since I'm trying to stop eating right now.  Everything is pushing me to eat.  What they don't seem to realize is it's not going to help.  They may force food down my throat but it won't change my mindset.  It won't change the fact that I look in the mirror or down at my body and see gross fat hanging from my bones.  It won't stop me from thinking I'm not good enough.  This is something that I need to get through.

I have boy things to update you all on!  I am currently seeing a fantastic guy!  He's not my boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure we're exclusively dating.  He really is great.  We go out to dinner, play putt putt, watch movies, and just hang out.  I have so much fun when I'm with him.  I'm actually going over to his house in about 30 minutes.  So I should go get ready.  I'll update more soon!

I'm Back!

Goodness...  It has been so long since my last post.  I've been fighting so hard for recovery and have lost it all.  Quick update:

Things with my mom got a lot better.  She still thinks it's unnecessary for me to see a psychiatrist and be taking medication (I'm currently taking Sertraline).  But at least she doesn't openly talk about her disapproval much anymore.

I'm back at school and haven't seen a psychiatrist or psychologist or anyone since I left home.  I really need to get on that...

I have completely lost all desire to eat.  I just don't want to anymore.  It's not like I need to.  I'm down to 132 and just want to keep losing.  Unfortunately it's harder to hide because the people that know about my past experiences are so worried that I'll fall victim to the eating disorder again.  Though I've realized it never really left, I just got good at ignoring it.  And now I remember what's it like and am wondering why I ever gave it up.

I want to get back down to 115.  Then possibly 110.  No smaller than that.  I just want to be thin and beautiful.

I've cut a few times recently as well.  I just love the blood...  And the pain.  It hasn't been deep.  The last thing I need is more scars to explain.  Just enough to satisfy my need.

Well that's really all I have to say for now..  I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long.  I'll definitely try to update more frequently

Teresa vs. Nancy

I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  Teresa.  She's really nice and I liked her a lot.  But it felt so...weird.  Oddly professional.  With Nancy it always felt so conversational.  With Teresa it's different.

Nancy:
Entering through the backdoor of the counseling center I step into a small waiting room just outside of the administrative assistants office.  A slightly overweight blonde hands me some paper work for me to fill out while I wait for Nancy to be ready.  After filling it out I sit on a bench made comfortable with small pillows until Nancy comes to get me.  Then I follow her up the cute staircase and to her office, tucked in the back corner.  The door opens to reveal a quaint, cozy office with her desk and a corner with two comfortable arm chairs and a rocking chair.  We each take an armchair and proceed with our session.  She lays back in her chair, relaxed and we just talk.

Teresa:
Maybe one or two cars pass by the building as I sit in my car for 10 minutes, gathering the courage to enter the side door of this new psychiatrists building.  Finally I enter the building and find myself in an empty hallway with so many doors.  How many doors are there?  Ten at least.  And gathering by the stairway to my left there are just as many doors upstairs.  Long, thin hallway where only one person could fit comfortably.  Where do I go?  A glass window stands in front of me.  Do I knock?  But where do I wait while filling out paper work.  Better head upstairs.  Nothing up there but doors....better head back to the glass window.  I tap on it lightly...what if I'm not supposed to tap on the glass?  My doctors office has a sign asking you not to.  But I don't see a sign.  Great no one is answering...Now wh...Oh!  A short, petit brunette slides open the window and asks if I'm a new patient.  Yes.  I'm handed a clipboard and blue pen with a tip that's way to thick for my liking.  Oh well...  The woman directs me to the first door on my left labeled "Waiting Room"  Ahh, so that's where I wait.  Opening the door I think it's more of a closet or cupboard under the stairs rather than an actual room.  A long couch and three armchairs sit waiting for me.  I sit in a chair and fill out the paper work and wait for Teresa.  She arrives just as I'm finishing filling everything out.  We head to the last door on the right side of the hallway.  We can't even stand next to her.  I'm just following.  Her office is huge!  Three different seating areas await us.  She directs me to the black leather couch in the back corner telling me it's the most comfortable.  Her seat?  A desk chair directly in front of me.  She comes equipped with a clipboard and pen.  For what?  Is she really going to take notes on me?  *Sigh*...  We proceed with the session.  And, surprisingly, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable as I was expecting.  Yes, she's jotting down notes.  But she's paying attention and attempting to understand.  She's taking notes to keep track of what I'm saying.  She'll probably analyze it later.  Can't wait to see what she thinks is wrong with me.  She asks me questions about myself and asks me to clarify.  She builds on what I say and seems so interested in understand me.  She seems genuine.  I like her.

My next appointment is on Monday, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I'm interested to see what happens now that she's had time to review her notes.  I wonder what's in those notes...what did she put on that clipboard of her.  She filled up three pages of notes during our session...what did she fill those pages with??

Wednesday I have a doctors appointment.  My last (I'm fairly certain) with my pediatrician.  I have to graduate to an adult doctor now.  But anyway, she wants to do blood work.  She wants to check my thyroid and check other chemical factors that could be attributed to anxiety and depression.  My phobia of needles is going to make this all the more fun...not.  Oh well, just gonna have to suck it up and deal.

So I told my mom yesterday... ughhhh.  She was really shocked when I told her, which I was expecting.  Then she asked to see the scars which was awful.  I didn't show her all of them but showed her a few.  Basically, to the sum up the conversation, she told me it was stupid and I wasn't accomplishing anything by it (gee, thanks mom, I had no idea).  She also asked if I was just doing this for the attention.  Yes.  I kept it hidden for so long because I wanted the attention -_-

AHHHH!!!!  (That was me screaming, lol).  I understand that she wasn't expecting it but still.  The way she reacted made me feel even more awful about it and myself.  And when she asked if I had ever done anything else self-destructive I told her I used to have an eating disorder and wasn't eating enough.  She said "Like anorexia?" I said "yes" and her response was "But you never got too thin."   UGHHHH!!!  MOTHER!!!  What kind of a reaction is that??  Yes, it is difficult to understand when you aren't the one going through it.  But still.  So now I don't know what to do.  I told her I wanted to see someone while I was home and she asked me who I wanted to see.  Well mom, I don't know.  This is why I'm coming to you!!  So now I don't know if I need to look into this for myself or if she is going to help me.  And now being in my house is just awkward.  She also told my dad but he hasn't said anything to me about it.

I have no idea what I'm doing....

I'm telling my mom about my cutting tomorrow.  Hopefully that is...

I met with Nancy a few days before coming home for summer (I came home today and met with Nancy about three days ago) to talk to her about how to tell my parents.  They are going to find out eventually.  With the amount of scars I have and the amount of times we go on the boat over the summer.  Plus I think they need to know.

Nancy told me she wants me to see a counselor while I'm home for the summer and she strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I'm absolutely terrified to tell my mom...  I have it written out in a letter and will either read it to her or just hand it to her tomorrow depending on how I feel.  I'll probably end up handing it to her.  Either way is going to result in extremely high levels of anxiety that I'm not sure I could handle...  I'm nervous I won't tell her at all.

Here's what I have written as of now:

"Mommy,

I think this is the most difficult thing I have ever and will ever try to write.  It could also be the most important.  I had to write it down because I wanted to be sure I included everything which I wouldn't have been able to do just talking to you.

I started going to the counseling center at school and talking to Nancy.  I've been having a lot of issues with anxiety and feelings of depression.  But what really prompted my decision to go was something different.  I've been cutting myself.

This is definitely not something I'm proud of and it's extremely difficult to tell you.  I don't want you to be upset or disappointed.  And, most importantly, I don't want you to blame yourself!  I really want to move past this and get better.  Nancy believes I should see a counselor while I'm home for the summer until I go to Ohio and then again when I come back.  She also strongly recommended medication for anxiety/depression.  I hope you'll support me in trying to recover and will help me find someone to go to.

I love you so much and need your help/support."

Hopefully I'll be able to give this to her tomorrow...  I really do need the help and want her support.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Life has been unbelievably hectic here and I've barely had enough time to breath let alone update my blog. On the plus side, busy schedule = no time to think about my issues so I've been in a relatively good mood every day.  Saturday night I cut again.  My wrists like an idiot.  And there were a lot of people over which just wasn't a smart move on my part.  I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk, oh well.  I cut lightly over two of my veins.  Not deep enough to cut them, just enough to produce blood.  I'm progressively getting more and more daring when I cut.  Either I cut deeper in an area where I can't see a vein, or I cut directly on top of a vein.  Always too frightened to cut into one just incase.  But I'm wondering how long it will take before my curiosity outdoes my fear.  Only time will tell.

Eating has been relatively normal.  I'm a fat cow and learning to cope with it.  Haven't weighed in forever but I'm guessing I'm around 135 or 140.  Nothing is too loose on me now which I'm not happy with.  But, again, I'm learning to deal with that.

Well I have a lot of homework to get done before dress rehearsal tonight so I'm going to end my post here!