These past few days have been so hectic! I moved back up to school yesterday. I'm now a junior in college!! I didn't end up fasting any of these days. I forgot how difficult it gets when I'm about to leave for school. My mom wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before I left (which I love doing) which included meals... I didn't eat the same portions that a normal person would so I'm proud. And then on my last night she made pasta! One of my favorite meals!! But I had eaten half of a sandwich earlier and wasn't hungry. I tried to eat my normal amount of pasta and couldn't get even half-way through it. And after I had a horrible stomach ache. My body naturally got rid of some of it. At least I know my body is helping me not eat too much.
And it happened again today! I had two slices of pizza for lunch and then went to Moe's for dinner. Today was the first day I got to see some of my best friends up here so they wanted to go out to eat. I got half-way through a junior burrito and ate some chips before I felt too full. Then, about 5 minutes later when we were in Walmart, I felt awful! I had a bad stomach ache and felt all sweaty. Don't worry body, I will not be doing that regularly. Now that it's been a full day since I've been here I'm hoping I won't be roped into meals all the time. I went grocery shopping today and picked up stuff for the week. I'm going to make oatmeal breakfast bars (80 cals each) and a spinach and sausage rigatoni dish (300 cals per 1 1/2 cups).
I have an Eat What You Love cookbook that gives low cal recipes for great food! And each recipe includes a calorie count :D I know 300 cals is a lot... That makes 380 for the day though if I don't eat lunch. And if I don't eat 1 1/2 cups it lowers the total a bit. I won't make it often but it's one of my fav recipes so I'm treating myself! I love this cookbook! I plan to cook my way through it this semester. As I make things I'll upload pictures so y'all can see.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Okay, so fasting today didn't work out. My mom brought home dinner and I ended up eating. I had half of a wrap from Chicken Kitchen. And I didn't eat breakfast so that just makes it worse... But until then (it was 6:30pm when I ate) I hadn't eaten anything. So we'll see what that does for my weight. I had a slice of watermelon a little while after that but since it's basically water I figure it doesn't really count.
I go back up to school in a few days. I'm leaving on Monday. Pretty excited and not at the same time. I miss a lot of the people so I'm excited about that but I don't wanna leave here and have classes. Laura and I have gotten so much closer these past few days and it's going to suck to not have her as close. Though she's only like 45 minutes away when we're both at school. So hopefully it won't be too bad. I'm teaching her how to knit which is pretty exciting! I absolutely love knitting and have done so much of it this summer.
I'm gonna try for a fast day tomorrow. We'll see how that works out. I just have to play my cards right and avoid food at all costs. Isn't it crazy how saying no to food gives a sense of empowerment? How can that be? It's so weird to think that a year ago I wasn't like this. I have made such a 360 in the past year it's almost frightening. And yet it isn't. I enjoy being the way I am. Despite the fact that sometimes it terrifies me. Clearly there is no getting better. There is no going back once you've started. And I'm okay with that.
I go back up to school in a few days. I'm leaving on Monday. Pretty excited and not at the same time. I miss a lot of the people so I'm excited about that but I don't wanna leave here and have classes. Laura and I have gotten so much closer these past few days and it's going to suck to not have her as close. Though she's only like 45 minutes away when we're both at school. So hopefully it won't be too bad. I'm teaching her how to knit which is pretty exciting! I absolutely love knitting and have done so much of it this summer.
I'm gonna try for a fast day tomorrow. We'll see how that works out. I just have to play my cards right and avoid food at all costs. Isn't it crazy how saying no to food gives a sense of empowerment? How can that be? It's so weird to think that a year ago I wasn't like this. I have made such a 360 in the past year it's almost frightening. And yet it isn't. I enjoy being the way I am. Despite the fact that sometimes it terrifies me. Clearly there is no getting better. There is no going back once you've started. And I'm okay with that.
Empty Stomach - Empty Heart
So last night was horrible... Though it didn't start out that way
Yesterday itself was wonderful. The only thing I had to eat was an apple (around 80 cals) and I've heard apples are negative calories, though I'm not sure if I trust that. So I'm counting the 80 cals. But that's all I had. And I felt fantastic!! Later on I found out there was going to be a party and the guy I talked about in my last post was gonna be there. He even told me I had to go cause he wanted to see me. So, of course, I was feeling even better.
Well, my friends and I got to the party at around 10:30 or so and we were practically the first ones there. We started drinking and just hanging out and we were having a great time. Then a bunch of other people started showing up, including this guy. This has the potential of being a really long story so I'm gonna keep it short so I don't bore you. Basically, I shaved my legs just incase (and I had a strong feeling it would happen) he ended up touching them and we ended up making out or something. We were sitting with each other and he kept touching my back and arms and I thought for sure something was going to happen. The combo of not eating and drinking made me tipsy pretty fast so I was in a good mood and feeling fantastic. Then he left for a bit to go smoke weed and when he came back he was totally different. He was high and all of a sudden didn't wanna touch me or really talk to anyone and suddenly I started feeling worse about myself. And then about an hour or so later he left with all his friends. With just a hug as a good bye. What the fuck?! I mean...okay, so he didn't wanna hook up. But then why would he text me to be sure I came to the party?!! All I could think about was "if I was skinnier...if I had lost more weight...if I wasn't such a whale...if I was pretty..."
After he left I was kinda...okay, not kinda, really, bummed. And all of a sudden I was alone. The group that I was hanging out with had dispersed to go talk to other people. I mean, who wants to sit around a fat, sulky person? I don't blame them. So rather than sit there like the loser I am, I went out to the back yard and sat alone. The sad part? No one even noticed. No one called or texted or anything. Clearly just no one cares. Then one of the girls who left to say goodbye to some people came back and realized I wasn't there and she called and came and found me sitting in the grass crying. I love her to death and have no idea what I'd do without her.
We left a little while after that and four of us went to spend the night and one of their houses. It's funny how gullible and clueless people can be. I just had to say "I have to get something out of my car, be right back" and I went to her front yard and forced myself to throw up. Not that there was much to throw up. But it felt good to do it.
I ended up telling Laura everything. She's the girl who came and found me in the grass. So she's completely updated on this whole thing.
Wow...guess who just texted me?! Yup. The guy from last night. Saying he's "sad we didn't really chill out last night" Ugh!!! What am I supposed to say to that?!! Sometimes life just sucks. And by sometimes I mean all the time. Whatever. I'll end this post here now that I've officially bored whoever is reading this. I'll try to post later tonight but if not I'll post tomorrow.
On a brighter note, I haven't eaten anything today either so far! And it's already 1:25pm. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.
Yesterday itself was wonderful. The only thing I had to eat was an apple (around 80 cals) and I've heard apples are negative calories, though I'm not sure if I trust that. So I'm counting the 80 cals. But that's all I had. And I felt fantastic!! Later on I found out there was going to be a party and the guy I talked about in my last post was gonna be there. He even told me I had to go cause he wanted to see me. So, of course, I was feeling even better.
Well, my friends and I got to the party at around 10:30 or so and we were practically the first ones there. We started drinking and just hanging out and we were having a great time. Then a bunch of other people started showing up, including this guy. This has the potential of being a really long story so I'm gonna keep it short so I don't bore you. Basically, I shaved my legs just incase (and I had a strong feeling it would happen) he ended up touching them and we ended up making out or something. We were sitting with each other and he kept touching my back and arms and I thought for sure something was going to happen. The combo of not eating and drinking made me tipsy pretty fast so I was in a good mood and feeling fantastic. Then he left for a bit to go smoke weed and when he came back he was totally different. He was high and all of a sudden didn't wanna touch me or really talk to anyone and suddenly I started feeling worse about myself. And then about an hour or so later he left with all his friends. With just a hug as a good bye. What the fuck?! I mean...okay, so he didn't wanna hook up. But then why would he text me to be sure I came to the party?!! All I could think about was "if I was skinnier...if I had lost more weight...if I wasn't such a whale...if I was pretty..."
After he left I was kinda...okay, not kinda, really, bummed. And all of a sudden I was alone. The group that I was hanging out with had dispersed to go talk to other people. I mean, who wants to sit around a fat, sulky person? I don't blame them. So rather than sit there like the loser I am, I went out to the back yard and sat alone. The sad part? No one even noticed. No one called or texted or anything. Clearly just no one cares. Then one of the girls who left to say goodbye to some people came back and realized I wasn't there and she called and came and found me sitting in the grass crying. I love her to death and have no idea what I'd do without her.
We left a little while after that and four of us went to spend the night and one of their houses. It's funny how gullible and clueless people can be. I just had to say "I have to get something out of my car, be right back" and I went to her front yard and forced myself to throw up. Not that there was much to throw up. But it felt good to do it.
I ended up telling Laura everything. She's the girl who came and found me in the grass. So she's completely updated on this whole thing.
Wow...guess who just texted me?! Yup. The guy from last night. Saying he's "sad we didn't really chill out last night" Ugh!!! What am I supposed to say to that?!! Sometimes life just sucks. And by sometimes I mean all the time. Whatever. I'll end this post here now that I've officially bored whoever is reading this. I'll try to post later tonight but if not I'll post tomorrow.
On a brighter note, I haven't eaten anything today either so far! And it's already 1:25pm. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
At Least I'm Losing
129
Yup, that's my weight as of this afternoon. I can't believe I let myself get so fat... Just a few months ago I was down to 117!! But, then again, a few weeks ago I was 140. That was the tipping point for me. I knew I had to get rid of the fat and see my beautiful, skinny self again. And I will go above and beyond!!
I've been skipping meals like crazy. I forgot how easy it was to trick people and lie your way out of meals. But now that I'm back on track it's like second nature to me. I'm hoping for a fast day tomorrow, shouldn't be hard at all. I'm supposed to go shopping with a friend (to her: oh sorry, ate lunch before we left. to my mom: oh yea, I totally ate with Laura while shopping!) And then at dinner time, suddenly my stomach just doesn't feel right and I don't wanna eat. Sounds perfect to me :D
I go back up to college on Monday and I'm hoping to start the ABC diet at the same time. I'm getting rid of my meal plan and cooking all my own meals. Getting rid of all my excuses for breaking the diet. Can't feel bad about wasting the money I spent on a meal plan. can't ignore counting calories since I'll be making my own meals. This needs to work!
Now for some personal information:
There is this guy that I've hooked up with a few times (no sex, just other things). Well, he's had a girlfriend for the past few months so we haven't done anything (I'm absolutely opposed to cheating!!). But I just found out yesterday that him and his girlfriend broke up. I was inwardly excited about the news but wasn't gonna do anything about it, I don't want people thinking I'm a slut or anything. So guess who contacted me today? Yup. He did. He says he wants to hang out before we both go back to school, and we all know what that means. I'm not going to go out of my way to see him but if I do end up hanging out with him I know we'll end up hooking up. Just not sure how far we'll go (absolutely no sex though!!) I don't wanna seem like a slut but...he makes me feel so comfortable with myself. Like someone can like me just the way I am. Though it has the opposite effect that you would expect. I don't get a burst of self-confidence that suppresses my ana urges. I get a burst of self-confidence that encourages my ana urges. Suddenly I get the power to lose weight and a mind set full of power and strength. And I LOVE that feeling!
So that's where I am at the moment... I'm gonna try writing on this blog more and get back into the game. But in this game, higher numbers don't make the winner. The lower, the better!
Yup, that's my weight as of this afternoon. I can't believe I let myself get so fat... Just a few months ago I was down to 117!! But, then again, a few weeks ago I was 140. That was the tipping point for me. I knew I had to get rid of the fat and see my beautiful, skinny self again. And I will go above and beyond!!
I've been skipping meals like crazy. I forgot how easy it was to trick people and lie your way out of meals. But now that I'm back on track it's like second nature to me. I'm hoping for a fast day tomorrow, shouldn't be hard at all. I'm supposed to go shopping with a friend (to her: oh sorry, ate lunch before we left. to my mom: oh yea, I totally ate with Laura while shopping!) And then at dinner time, suddenly my stomach just doesn't feel right and I don't wanna eat. Sounds perfect to me :D
I go back up to college on Monday and I'm hoping to start the ABC diet at the same time. I'm getting rid of my meal plan and cooking all my own meals. Getting rid of all my excuses for breaking the diet. Can't feel bad about wasting the money I spent on a meal plan. can't ignore counting calories since I'll be making my own meals. This needs to work!
Now for some personal information:
There is this guy that I've hooked up with a few times (no sex, just other things). Well, he's had a girlfriend for the past few months so we haven't done anything (I'm absolutely opposed to cheating!!). But I just found out yesterday that him and his girlfriend broke up. I was inwardly excited about the news but wasn't gonna do anything about it, I don't want people thinking I'm a slut or anything. So guess who contacted me today? Yup. He did. He says he wants to hang out before we both go back to school, and we all know what that means. I'm not going to go out of my way to see him but if I do end up hanging out with him I know we'll end up hooking up. Just not sure how far we'll go (absolutely no sex though!!) I don't wanna seem like a slut but...he makes me feel so comfortable with myself. Like someone can like me just the way I am. Though it has the opposite effect that you would expect. I don't get a burst of self-confidence that suppresses my ana urges. I get a burst of self-confidence that encourages my ana urges. Suddenly I get the power to lose weight and a mind set full of power and strength. And I LOVE that feeling!
So that's where I am at the moment... I'm gonna try writing on this blog more and get back into the game. But in this game, higher numbers don't make the winner. The lower, the better!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Two Pound Loss!!
and couldn't be more confused...
133
I should be ecstatic, right? Idk...I'm really happy about the weight loss and definitely plan to continue down this road. But at the same time, something's just not right. I feel completely empty and alone inside. I feel like I'm going crazy...or maybe I've just always been crazy. Whatever it is, I don't really feel like talking about it right now. So this is a short entry. Maybe I'll explain more tomorrow.
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (33)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (33)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 6
133
I should be ecstatic, right? Idk...I'm really happy about the weight loss and definitely plan to continue down this road. But at the same time, something's just not right. I feel completely empty and alone inside. I feel like I'm going crazy...or maybe I've just always been crazy. Whatever it is, I don't really feel like talking about it right now. So this is a short entry. Maybe I'll explain more tomorrow.
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (33)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (33)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped: 6
Saturday, May 28, 2011
No weight lost...
135
Still... Well at least I didn't gain. And I hardly ate anything today which is great :D
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- 1/2 cup of angel hair pasta
- 1 apple
Dinner
- Nothing
Snacks throughout the day
- Handful of carrots
And I'm not really that hungry! I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to do the same. Today my parents went out on the boat and my brother and I didn't feel like going so we stayed home. I made two cups of green tea in the morning so my mom didn't ask about breakfast. Then they were gone for lunch so that was easy to not eat much. I decided to eat my daily apple during lunch. Then during dinner time I was babysitting so I just told my parents I ate there. Tomorrow my parents are going out on the boat again so there's an opportunity to skip lunch.
I'm still disappointed though. I completely forgot about walking/biking. I ran errands with my brother today and then when I got back from babysitting my mom was getting ready to go to sleep so I couldn't use the treadmill in her room and it's too dark to go outside. I know, no excuses. If I don't way 134 tomorrow I'll know why! How stupid of me... Even if I did do everything else. I also have yet to do any swimming exercises this week. Maybe I'll just start those next week since tomorrow is the last day (I'm counting Monday-Sunday as a week no Sunday-Saturday).
The facebook idea is amazing. I'm so glad I decided to make one. I friended a bunch of other ana's and I've talked to a few of them and they are really great. It helps to get my story out there and hear other's stories. I spoke to a girl today who didn't realize this sort of thing could happen by accident. Well that's definitely the way it was for me. It started with me forgetting to eat dinner before rehearsals and then when rehearsal would end everywhere on campus was closed. Slowly it just escalated without me realizing it until I was fully immersed. It's crazy how something like that can just take over your life without you realizing. And by the time you notice it has become a comfort to you that you can't let go of. It becomes a part of you..
Check List:
Still... Well at least I didn't gain. And I hardly ate anything today which is great :D
Breakfast
- Nothing
Lunch
- 1/2 cup of angel hair pasta
- 1 apple
Dinner
- Nothing
Snacks throughout the day
- Handful of carrots
And I'm not really that hungry! I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to do the same. Today my parents went out on the boat and my brother and I didn't feel like going so we stayed home. I made two cups of green tea in the morning so my mom didn't ask about breakfast. Then they were gone for lunch so that was easy to not eat much. I decided to eat my daily apple during lunch. Then during dinner time I was babysitting so I just told my parents I ate there. Tomorrow my parents are going out on the boat again so there's an opportunity to skip lunch.
I'm still disappointed though. I completely forgot about walking/biking. I ran errands with my brother today and then when I got back from babysitting my mom was getting ready to go to sleep so I couldn't use the treadmill in her room and it's too dark to go outside. I know, no excuses. If I don't way 134 tomorrow I'll know why! How stupid of me... Even if I did do everything else. I also have yet to do any swimming exercises this week. Maybe I'll just start those next week since tomorrow is the last day (I'm counting Monday-Sunday as a week no Sunday-Saturday).
The facebook idea is amazing. I'm so glad I decided to make one. I friended a bunch of other ana's and I've talked to a few of them and they are really great. It helps to get my story out there and hear other's stories. I spoke to a girl today who didn't realize this sort of thing could happen by accident. Well that's definitely the way it was for me. It started with me forgetting to eat dinner before rehearsals and then when rehearsal would end everywhere on campus was closed. Slowly it just escalated without me realizing it until I was fully immersed. It's crazy how something like that can just take over your life without you realizing. And by the time you notice it has become a comfort to you that you can't let go of. It becomes a part of you..
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (30)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (30)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 4Friday, May 27, 2011
With The Weight of a Whale, I'll End Up Stranded...
But with the lightness of a feather, I'll float through the air
135
So that's where I am today....the number is huge!! It needs to come down...and it will. That's a promise.
Today was alright. Not exactly proud of all I ate...
Breakfast
- 1 cup frosted flakes
Lunch
- Turkey sandwich with provolone cheese
- Peach
Dinner
- Equivalent to 1 slice of thin crust pizza
- Salad with carrots, celery, walnuts, cranberries, and a little Italian dressing
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 3 crackers
That's just disgusting... I need to eat waaay less than that if I'm going to lose all the fat clinging to my body.
So I made a facebook yesterday. That way I can be friends with other ana's who have made facebooks and we can just express our thoughts and feelings to each other through that. Completely separate from our other facebooks so that no one else knows. It's like an escape. Definitely wonderful to have a place to go where others are there waiting and willing to share their stories and who are there to help out in whatever way they can. So far I haven't really talked to anyone, but I'm hoping to make a few friends given some time. I've also started a weight loss tracking picture album. I'm going to take a picture every friday to track my weight loss progress. I'm hoping to see changes!!
I'm not adding anything to the check list but I'm altering it slightly. I'm making it walk/bike for at least 2 miles instead of just walk. That way I have more options and am more likely to keep it up. Plus, I'm more likely to go farther on a bike. Which is what I did today :D My mom and I rode to the library today which is over 3 miles round trip.
Check List:
135
So that's where I am today....the number is huge!! It needs to come down...and it will. That's a promise.
Today was alright. Not exactly proud of all I ate...
Breakfast
- 1 cup frosted flakes
Lunch
- Turkey sandwich with provolone cheese
- Peach
Dinner
- Equivalent to 1 slice of thin crust pizza
- Salad with carrots, celery, walnuts, cranberries, and a little Italian dressing
Snacks throughout the day
- Apple
- 3 crackers
That's just disgusting... I need to eat waaay less than that if I'm going to lose all the fat clinging to my body.
So I made a facebook yesterday. That way I can be friends with other ana's who have made facebooks and we can just express our thoughts and feelings to each other through that. Completely separate from our other facebooks so that no one else knows. It's like an escape. Definitely wonderful to have a place to go where others are there waiting and willing to share their stories and who are there to help out in whatever way they can. So far I haven't really talked to anyone, but I'm hoping to make a few friends given some time. I've also started a weight loss tracking picture album. I'm going to take a picture every friday to track my weight loss progress. I'm hoping to see changes!!
I'm not adding anything to the check list but I'm altering it slightly. I'm making it walk/bike for at least 2 miles instead of just walk. That way I have more options and am more likely to keep it up. Plus, I'm more likely to go farther on a bike. Which is what I did today :D My mom and I rode to the library today which is over 3 miles round trip.
Check List:
- Check scale
- Morning crunches (27)
- Walk/bike at least 2 miles
- Eat one apple
- Evening crunches (27)
- No soda
- No red meat
- No eating after 8:00pm
- No fast food
Extras:
- Weekly swimming exercise total: 0
- Amount of meals skipped this week: 2
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