Minnesota Weekend

Day 5: Are you pro-thinspo, pro-fitspo, pro-ana, pro-mia, or pro-weight-loss?  Why?
- Difficult question . . . I'd say I'm definitely pro-thinspo, fitspo, and weight loss for myself and others.  On a whole I encourage others to be healthy and inspiration that helps you achieve that is always good.  However, I am not pro-any form of eating disorder for those who don't have one.  I am a member of a "pro-ana" site though.  I go there for support and inspiration.  So I like having the option of visiting a pro-ana site even though I strongly discourage it for anyone not already struggling.

So I'm up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving.  This is gonna be a struggle.  I already ate more today than I should have and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!  I don't plan on eating anything before dinner though that way if I over eat a little bit it won't be the end of the world.  Though I'd really like to eat less than a normal portion of food.  Just a taste of everything to occupy time and show everyone I'm eating.  Is it bad that I'm hoping to wake up really sick tomorrow?  Last year I got so lucky and was throwing up during dinner so I didn't have to worry about it.  Oh well . . . I'll just have to prove my strength of character.

I've been thinking about trying out laxatives lately and Judith Marie (a blogger I follow) just recently posted about using them.  It's seriously making the thoughts even stronger.  Sure, now you all probably think I just copy everything I read from blogs.  I promise you that's not the case.  Reading these blogs just helps me settle these debates I've been having with myself.  But you can think what you wish.  Unfortunately I am not home or up at school so I don't have the opportunity to get them at the moment.  I'm going to have to wait till I leave Minnesota.  Gives me some more time to debate about it.

And now for a comment response:

Judith Marie:  Thank you so much for your lovely comment!  I'm always terrified that someone is going to to notice my cutting and confront me about it.  So I had to be sure I put it somewhere no one would see.  Your comment really means a lot =]  I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it beautiful.  I guess that's how our minds work.  There's something inherently more beautiful about something when you've carved it into your skin.  Maybe that's just because I'm crazy . . .

I did it.  I cut a design into my hip!  Before I post a picture of that I'm gonna respond to Judith Marie's comment on my previous post.

Judith Marie:  An x-acto knife (just figured out the spelling) looks like this.  Fun Fact:  When I was in 8th grade my mom was helping my friend and I work on a science project and we were using one of these to cut pipes and cardboard and an assortment of other things.  Somehow we were talking about how it could easily cut skin and started referring to it as a "flesh cutter."  And now that's exactly what I use it for.


And here's the design I made with it.  It felt so good to be making such precise marks.  Looking back on it I should have done five petals on the flower instead of 4 but that's okay.  It's positioned slightly to the left of my right hip bone.  Hidden by practically everything I wear.  Not sure about bathing suits but seeing as it's November I won't have to worry about that.

I'm leaving school to go on Thanksgiving break today.  My friend goes to school about 4 hours north of me so she's gonna swing by and pick me up before driving another 4 hours home.  She's getting here around noon and wants to grab lunch...great.  I was kinda counting on not eating lunch today since I'm gonna have to eat dinner.  I'll just have to eat something small and not eat all of it.  If I seriously want to get down to 120/115 by Christmas I'm gonna have to step up my game.

Day 4: Favorite Meal
- Spaghetti and meatballs.  More specifically my mom's recipe.  I can make it too; just as long as it's her recipe I think it's delicious.  But it's chalk full of calories so I refrain from making it.

New Scale and Cutting Instrument

134.6

Finally bought a scale today!!  Though I weighed myself and am disappointed by what I found.  134.6 lbs is nothing to be proud of.

I started on a 37 Day Christmas Weight Loss Challenge on facebook (my ana profile, not my real one).  I started it on the third day so I'll update you till then.

DAY ONE: Stats
- Height: 5'8"
- CW: 134.6 lbs
- UGW: 100 lbs

DAY TWO: The weight you wish to be Christmas morning
- 115 lbs.  That's 20 lbs in about 34 days . . . yikes.  Maybe a more realistic goal is 120 lbs.

DAY THREE: Describe how you want to feel at Christmas dinners/parties
- Christmas Dinners: in control, amazed by my self-discipline, finding pleasure in watching others eat while refusing food.
- Christmas Parties: I want to turn heads, be the girl everyone wants to be, thin and beautiful.

I'm really glad I finally have a scale.  Now hopefully I'll stay more on track.  Although Thanksgiving break is coming up in a few days and I'm worried about that.  My family is going up to visit more family in Minnesota and I'm worried it'll be hard to get away with not eating.  We'll see.

In addition to buying a scale today I bought an exacto-knife.  Sorry to those who don't approve of cutting but that's what it's for.  Anyone who's been following this blog knows I cut myself.  In the past I've always used razors, and once scissors.  Now I want to try something new.  I'm following someone's blog who cut a really beautiful bird into her leg.  I kinda want to try cutting something pretty into my skin instead of just lines.  We'll see =]

I was reading Escape From Freedom by Erich Fromm today and came across a lovely passage that I wanted to share with you all.  I'll let you interpret it as you wish.

" 'I knew that we counted little in comparison with the universe, I knew that we were nothing; but to be so immeasurably nothing seems in some way both to overwhelm and at the same time to reassure.  Those figures, those dimensions beyond the range of human thought, are utterly overpowering.  Is there anything whatsoever to which we can cling?  Amid that chaos of illusions into which we are cast headlong, there is one thing that stands out as true, and that is - love.  All the rest is nothingness, an empty void.  We peer down into a huge dark abyss.  And we are afraid.' "

He quotes that passage from Julian Green's Personal Record and goes to say, "However, this feeling of individual isolation and powerlessness as it has been expressed by these writers and as it is felt by many so-called neurotic people, is nothing the average normal person is aware of."  How true this is.  Thinking about my own thoughts and feelings and those of others with an ED we do think like that.  Our mind is muddled with those types of thoughts everyday.

I think my favorite quote from the whole passage comes a few lines later:

"But whistling in the dark does not bring light.  Aloneness, fear, and bewilderment remain; people cannot stand it forever."

Some Friends

What's the point of having sorority sisters if none of them are going to support you??  I'm in the play here at school and this is the second (and final) weekend of performances.  Tomorrow is our last performance.  We are doing The Foreigner and I am playing Catherine which, for those of you who don't know the play, is a lead character.  One of the things I bragged about during recruitment to the girls who were going through is how supportive my sorority sisters are when I'm in a play.  I told them they would all come watch on the same night and it always made me feel great.  Well this time it is the exact opposite.  Maybe 5 sisters have come in total?  One of my littles came twice which was amazing but the other didn't come at all.  And the other sisters who came aren't even close friends of mine.  There are 61 girls in our chapter, the fact that I can count on one hand the amount of them who came is really upsetting.  Not even my really close friends have come!!

I understand they couldn't come last week because it was a really packed week for those in Greek life.  But this weekend?  Okay, they couldn't come Thursday or Friday but tonight there was no conflict!  They even told me they'd be there!!  When the show got out I texted them and asked what they were up to and they told me they went out!!!  Instead of coming to the show!!!  It was so upsetting.  I cried.  One of them didn't answer my text (and I know she read it cause the iPhone now lets you know when some people have read a text) and the other just told me they went Cowboys (a bar/club or something).  So I asked if she was gonna come see tomorrow's performance and she said "I hope so."  Whatever.  If you don't wanna be there and don't go.  But don't act like we're incredibly good friends either.  At this point I don't even care if they come tomorrow.

On the plus side, my mom and grandma came up today to see it.  That really made me happy cause I didn't think they'd get to come.  My mom hurt her back and hasn't really been able to move and it's a four hour drive from home to here.  I wanted them to meet some of my friends but now I don't even care.  I was gonna see if they all wanted to grab lunch before my mom and grandma left but I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

Surprise Visit =]

My big surprised me and came up to visit last night!!  For those of you who have been reading this blog, you know that she graduated last year and you know about our relationship.  For any newcomers (welcome!!): she is my sorority big sister and we were incredibly close when she was here.  But she graduated at the end of last year and I really miss her.  She knew all about my restricting and stuff and took me to counseling and everything.  Anyway, she came to visit last night and it was fantastic!  She told me she wasn't coming up because she had to work and then, when I was on stage performing, I heard her laugh and knew she was watching.  It was really great seeing her again.

We went out after the show last night and had drinks and hung out with a bunch of people.  It was a really nice night.  We didn't fight, no one cried, and it was just a lot of fun.  I didn't even drunk text any guys!!  (Which I have a tendency to do when I drink).  She mentioned a couple of times that I look like I'd lost weight or that I needed to gain weight and things like that.  And it felt so great!  She didn't say it condescendingly like she used to, it was just a nonchalant statement and it was really inspiring!  Clearly I'm doing something right.  Even without a scale I can keep this up and lose the weight I desperately need to lose.  I need to visit my friends in UVA (university village apartments, they are apartments on campus) so I can use their scale to see how I'm doing.  It feels great that some of my clothes are fitting a bit looser and people comment on how thin I am.  I just can't wait till I'm actually thin!

A Poem Untitled

Thoughts are jumping everywhere
cluttering my mind
They slip and slide and run about
making them hard to find

It's much too hard to explain
what goes on inside my head
With a confusing stream of consciousness
my mind is never dead

This used to be so comforting
it was a place where I could hide
But then this safe haven turned on me
and I'm drowning in the tide

"You aren't pretty, you aren't smart,
no one around likes you
And there's nothing that will change all this
no matter what you do!"


I try to fight, I try to scream
and make the taunting stop
But everything gets louder
until I'm sure I'll pop!

I used to make them go away
by causing myself pain
Hoping all the little cuts
would keep me staying sane

It lasted for a little while
but didn't last for long
The horrid, self destructive thoughts
came back twice as strong

"You're a horrid friend, and a bitch
no one would care if you would die!"
All these thoughts haunted me
and every night I'd cry

I tried to shake these thoughts
and force them from my mind
I attempted to replace them
and, instead, think something kind

But no matter how hard I tried
nothing seemed to work
And I completely bought in to what they said
convinced I was just a jerk

I couldn't escape the thoughts
or shake the depressing feeling
With everything muddled in my head
my mind was constantly reeling

I needed a way to escape
or some form of control
Because in living in all this chaos
I was paying a huge toll

My self-esteem was extremely low
I always felt inferior
I spent everyday feeling depressed
despite my happy exterior

I started skipping meals
a couple times a week
Completely b accident at first
and not as a feeling happier technique

Slowly I started to realize
how easy and simple it was
To skip a meal everyday
and it gave me a slight buzz

The skipping became more constant
at food I could just scoff
My happiness started increasing
while the weight was melting off

Refusing food and saying no
became its own reward
Of self-control and confidence
when my hunger was ignored

Ana took a hole of me
and became my only friend
Till every thought and moment
on her I would spend

She's still with me now
everywhere I go
And I cling to her company
She'll keep me safe, I know

I know that I'll be happier
the thinner that I get
And I know i'm no where near my goal
cause no one's stopped me yet . . .


I really enjoy writing poetry and that's my latest one.  It doesn't have a title yet but I think that's okay.  Maybe later on I'll share some other poems that I've written.  Depending on if anyone likes this one.  Let me know what you all think!  If anyone is reading this that is.