Summer Time

Well it's summer!  And I haven't been on here in forever.  I've been doing incredibly well (getting over this obsession with restricted eating).  But now that I'm home for the summer I'm wondering what's going to happen.  Part of me just wants to slip back to how it was over winter break, it would be incredibly easy.  I just got a nanny job so I'd be gone from home till about 5:00pm so skipping out on breakfast and lunch would be simple, I could get by with just dinner.  Occasionally skipping that as well.

But, of course, that's dangerous.  But who knows where my life will end up going, what my eating habits will be.  I need to lose weight, as my mother keeps reminding me.  I'm at 135...highest I've ever been.  Not good.  She wants to start exercising with me so maybe that will be enough.  But, then again, maybe not.

And I'm not sure how safe this blog is anyway.  I know for a fact that two people back at school found out about it (my big and my roommate).  So they could be reading this right now.  At the same time they could have forgotten about it, or assumed I'm not updating it anymore since I haven't been on for so long.

Oh well, I'm going to keep updating it anyway and take my chances.  I need to get my thoughts out anyway and I don't feel like creating a new blog.

Gym :D

I went to the gym this morning!!  I am definitely going every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday before class.  I feel so good after I work out!  I burned 376 calories today :D  I'm not sure what I can say on here, it's weird that I have to watch what I write because my big might read it at any point.  I could always start a new blog.  But how long before she found that one?  Better just stick with this one and watch what I'm writing.

I also think I'm going to start walking at night on Tuesdays and Thursdays with my big and my roommate. I would go to the gym but I don't want to wake up super early.  But I still need to do some sort of exercise to burn off what I can.  Every calorie counts.

Not So Secret...

I went to dinner the other night with my big and some people that I know from theatre.  I got a salad (which was actually very good) so I felt fine with going out.  Then, after eating the salad, I had a couple of onion rings and half of a chicken zinger.  After that I started feeling pretty guilty about eating and what I had eaten.  I was also in kind of a depressed mood (there's a shock) after rehearsal and for some reason was getting really irritated.  So, I decided to go to the bathroom and throw up.  Normally I wouldn't actually want to since I really didn't eat that much but it was a mixture of eating and feeling upset and irritated that made me want to do it.  I got to the bathroom, pulled back my hair, and stuck my finger down my throat.  But right when that happened I heard some lady walk into the bathroom.  I did NOT want to throw up with her there so I was going to wait until she left.  But, before she did, my big walked in to the bathroom and called my name.  I knew she suspected what I was attempting to do and there was no way I was going to get away with her leaving before me so I had to abandon my attempts and just deal with it.  

After dinner, I drove everyone back to their dorms and then went to back to the sorority house (where my big and I both live).  Well, we were on our way back and she brings up the topic of me eating.  I wasn't the least bit surprised.  We ended up sitting in the parking lot for a few hours talking about it.  She is really one of the most amazing people I know and she knows how to talk to me about these things.  I don't know if she realizes that or not.  She was talking to me about how she is trying a new tactic of talking to me instead of what she did last semester (force me to eat) and how she wants me to go talk to Cheryl, who was the councilor I saw twice last semester.  I told her I was not going to go to Cheryl and she said I need to talk to someone, even if it's not her.  Her roommates big is anorexic as well and she wants me to talk to her and/or to one of the people she talked to while she was here.  I highly doubt I'm going to, I don't think I need to, but whatever.  

Anyway, we were talking and I was crying and she kept saying she knows that I know I have a problem even if I won't admit it.  Then she pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of an extreme anorexic to say that's not the person I am and whatever.  I wasn't really shocked by the picture, I've seen much worse, but I wasn't impressed either.  She was too skinny, I don't want to look like her, but somewhere in between her and me.  Anyway, then she looked back at her phone and showed me something else.  I was completely taken off guard by what she showed me.  This blog...

She found it by searching her computer and mine.  At that moment I couldn't help myself and I started bawling.  I felt shocked, upset, embarrassed, ashamed, confused, betrayed....so many emotions and I couldn't take it.  Am I mad at her?  No.  Was I angry with her?  No.  Does that mean I'm happy about it? No.  So she may be reading this right now, but I don't care.  Let her read it.  All this blog does is express how I feel about things.

So yesterday was a strange day...it was the day after all this happened.  I ate two meals (lunch and dinner) without too much conflict in my head.  But all day I was just in a strange mood and I felt sort of out-of-it.  It's weird to think she read something I thought no one would ever read.  It's strange to think she knows more than I would feel comfortable telling her in person.  It's weird to think she's known about this blog for a while I never knew it.  And yet it's comforting to know she cares...

It's Been a While!

I haven't been on here in a while...things up at school are just complicated.  My big is really on top of my eating, but I've recently discovered how easy it is for me to skip out on lunch.  So I'm going to do that as often as possible.  I may also be able to get out of dinner tonight but I'm not sure.  My new goal is to liquid fast for as long as I can get away with it.  I'm not going to assume I'll be able to go for long though.  I'm not restricting it to water because I'm in the middle of rehearsing for a play called Big Love which is pretty physical.  So I need some sort of nutrients to keep me from fainting.

I still don't have a scale up here so I have no idea where my weight is...which is pretty frustrating.  But my schedule is super busy so I'm constantly on the move.  That's all for now, I just wanted to write a quick update.

Back at school...

Yup!  Back at college.  Wonderful...  I'm so excited to be here because I've missed everyone tremendously but I'm nervous I'm not going to lose any more or weight, or worse...that I'll gain!  I've already gained 3 lbs and am now at 120 since I last weighed myself.  I'm extremely disappointed.  I'll just have to see how school goes.  I don't have a scale up here which is going to be a problem and I am going to have to invest in one.

Anyway, I have a lot to do before I start classes tomorrow so I've got to go.

Wow...

I don't know what's going on in my mind.  I was thinking of fasting today, or at least keeping my eating to an absolute minimum after yesterday.  And I did well until around 5.  I ate half of a brownie.  Then my mom ordered Dominoe's pizza for dinner and I had 3 slices of cheese pizza.  Then later on I had a 100 calorie ice cream bar.  And then some gummi worms.  The weirdest part?  I don't really feel guilty about it...I feel just like I did before this whole anorexia thing started.  But I'm also super nervous about what's going to happen when I step on the scale tomorrow.

I think I just need to take a break for a few days and figure out what's going on in my head.  I think it has a lot to do with me preparing to go back up to college on Monday, it's messing with my head.

Horrible day!! (ABC Diet - Day 5)

I tried to post this last night but for some reason this site wasn't letting me.

Yesterday was awful...I completely lost it.  I just felt like crying.  What was I thinking?!

I was doing so well until the Outback thing; we ended up going.  That was my first mistake.  So, we went to Outback and, of course, my dad orders the Bloomen Onion...and I had some of it.  Not too much but I felt disgusting afterwards anyway.  Then I had half a piece of grilled chicken and half a serving of garlic mashed potatoes.  I was upset that I clearly went over my 100 calories but was semi proud that I didn't eat everything.  Still it was not acceptable.

But it doesn't stop there!  We get home and my dog had peed in the house and my mom was upset.  So I decided to make her some brownies to make her feel better.  My brother and I got her an all edges brownie pan for Christmas so I decided to try it out.  I wasn't planning on eating any of the brownies but somehow I managed to eat a whole one plus a glass of milk!  The best part?  I don't even like chocolate!!  Ughhh!!!  So that's the end, right?  Wrong!  I had a serving of gummi worms (110 cals), a peanut butter and jelly wrap on an 80 cal flour tortilla, a plain flour tortilla, and a glass of Arizona iced tea.  How disgusting is that?!!  that is sooo much food!!!  And I couldn't even stop myself, no matter how hard I tried.  I am beyond disgusted with myself...

And then I just had to do it...I  had to get the food out of me.  I was uncomfortably full and could just feel myself getting fatter the more I let the food sit inside my stomach.  So I went to the bathroom, turned the sink on to cover but the noise, bent over the toilet, and shoved a finger down my throat...Problem?  Nothing happens...I had never purged before.  So I decided to get in the shower and try harder.  And it worked.  Of course I didn't get it all out, but I got some of it out.  I still felt disgusted though...I cannot believe I let myself eat so much food.

So now it's the morning and I need to stay a way from food!  I'm not sure if I'm fasting today or what.  It's supposed to be a 200 cal day but how can I let myself eat anything after last night?  On the bright side, I haven't gained any weight.  I couldn't resist weighing myself this morning.  I was terrified that my binge was going to cost me.  Of course I'm upset that I haven't lost anything since Monday (it's been 3 days!!!) but it's better than gaining...