Littles to the Resuce

The only reason I'm writing now is to say I'm alive.  I started popping ibuprofine after my last post.  I made it to 8 before Ellen came over.  She brought Cassie, my other little, with her.  The got to my apartment and sat with me in my room for about a minute.  I could tell Ellen had been crying...  She was in her room and we were texting and I was telling her I was upset.  And I was talking to her about how things were just pointless and I didn't know what to do and she said, "Big should I come over?"  I told her she didn't have to.  I felt bad making her come over...  And she insisted on coming over anyway.  So she texted me saying "Don't do anything before I get there"  No response.  She texted again "Pleeeeaasseee"  So I said I wasn't cutting and that I wasn't doing anything right then.  And she asked what I had done before and I told her I took 8 ibuprofin tablets.  So that's why she was crying... because of me...  I felt awful!

Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up.  Which I tried, I really did.  But nothing came up.  Cassie was in the bathroom briefly.  But most of the time she spent in my room.  I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either.  Though that's just the way she handles things.  I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot.  Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who.  But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital.  Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything.  So of course I didn't need to go.  So I gave up trying to throw up.

I'm sure I was a site to see...  Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back.  And then I just started crying.  Sobbing actually.  And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me.  It was the most touching experience.  I felt awful that I was putting her through this...  She just held me like she didn't want to lose me.  How could I be so selfish?

The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried.  It was nice to have them there....  I desperately needed them.  They spent the night which was nice as well.

I apologized to them both.  Which they both said was unnecessary.  But I feel awful...  It's not fair to them for me to put them through this.  They shouldn't have to deal with it.  These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them.  Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone.  Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me.  I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you.  If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you.  No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."

I just want to end my life.  Take a bottle of pills and swallow them all.  Then wait for them to hit and kill me.  Last night I had the same thought, but wanted to slit my wrists.  Which I did but not deep enough to do much damage.  Just blood.

But I'm sitting here wondering what would happen if I took the rest of my sertraline pills tonight...  Or took all 50 tablets of ibuprofen.  It could work...  No one is here.  No one can stop me.  No one but myself.  So here's the question: do I have the guts?

Am I Broken?

Judith Marie!  Thank you so much for commenting!  It always brings me hope when I hear from you.

This morning I weighed 130.  It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow.  But I can't ever skip meals.  And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym.  Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.

Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing).  I really love spending time with him.  Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend.  We'll see if that ever happens.  Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself.  But I can't.  I'm too "old fashioned" for that.  The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.

I think my meds aren't working so well anymore.  Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here.  The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it.  So I'm stuck in a loop in my head.  I don't know what to do...  The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad.  Depressed.  I don't want to do anything or see anyone.  The slightest thing triggers it.  I want to cut so badly!!  I just want the blood and the pain.  But I don't want the scars.  And that is keeping me away from razors.  I've seriously been considering just bruising myself.  Hitting myself with something or running into the wall.  That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar.  But I would be able to see a bruise.

I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently.  Pretty bad ones.  For no real reason either.  So I don't know how to prevent them...  I just text Ellen when they happen.  That way I don't feel completely alone through it.  I do the same thing during my spouts of depression.  Text Ellen.  Reach out and remind myself that she is always there.  For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that.  If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse.  And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone.  I wonder why it's different.  And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me.  My first reaction is to reach out to her.  I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.

Why am I so fucked up?  Surely I am broken...  How else do you explain all of this?

At this rate I'll never be skinny

Gah.  I just want to lose more weight and it's impossible.  I'm never allowed to skip a meal, Ellen makes that impossible.  I really do appreciate what she's doing.  She cares enough about me to get and stay involved and not explode and get angry with me.  But, at the same time, I wish I could get away with skipping meals.  Eating lunch and dinner every single day is driving me crazy.  I'm 131lbs right now and I want to be 125!!  I seriously need to start exercising.  That way I'll be burning more calories.  I just hardly have time in my schedule.  But I have to figure out something...  at this rate I'll never be skinny

This weekend I was house sitting for a family I used to nanny for. It was great to have the weekend to myself! Though I wasn't as productive as I should have been. And I ate more that I should have. The worst part? There was no scale... I couldn't weigh myself at all this weekend. So I will definitely be doing that later today.

I have to head to class but I just wanted to quickly update to let you all know (if anyone still reads this blog) that I'm alive!

Need to Lose!!

I don't even know how to describe today.  I thought I was doing so well...  I didn't eat breakfast, I've stopped doing that completely.  Nobody makes me and I take any chance to skip a meal that I can.  I didn't eat lunch either!  It was the best.  I ended up eating half an apple and some cheese and crackers but not that many.  And then I had a smoothie around 4:30.  And then I was forced to eat an actual dinner...  I ate soup, thankfully only half a can (which is a full serving by the way!)  Ellen was going to make me eat the whole can but there's just no way!  Instead I ate a 100 calorie pack of pretzels.  So, in hindsight, I should have just finished the soup since it's only 90 calories a serving.  Stupid...  But the soup just seemed like so much food.  Anyway, I was pretty content with that.  However, Drew came over and brought us cake and I was forced to eat a slice.  A WHOLE SLICE OF CAKE!!!  Gahhhhh.....  I feel so unbearably fat right now.  I just want it out!  But I can't go throw it up because I currently have three people over who would definitely notice.  This sucks....

On the plus side!  I got Ellen as a little today :D  I'm so excited about that!!  I've wanted her to be my little in the theatre fraternity since I met her working on The Foreigner.  I was actually really nervous that she wouldn't end up being my little.  That she wouldn't even want me to be her big.  But no worries!  She is now :)

Down side:  I will still have to eat tomorrow...  Normally I would just say that eating this much today means fasting tomorrow.  But having people constantly on your back about eating makes that just about impossible.  Unless I want Ellen to have a fasting day as well which I am definitely not okay with.  So somehow I need to get away with eating small amounts of really low calorie foods.  However, she doesn't just care about me eating.  She cares what I am eating and how much I am eating.  So it makes it difficult to get away with anything.  I just wish people made it easier for me.  Can't they see I just need to lose this awful fat??  I weight entirely too much and need to keep losing.  

Anyway, this entry is getting a bit long so I'll stop it here and update again soon.

Slowly Dropping Weight

I can't believe Judith Marie got rid of her blog....  I was gone for so long that I completely missed it.  I'm definitely going to miss having her on here.  She was such a support through all of this.

Weight Update:  I am officially 130.8 lbs  I'm so excited about that!  For now my goal is 125, then 120, then 115.  I haven't decided if I want to stay at 115 or go down to 110.  But, one step at a time.  I have my sights set on 125 :D

Ellen is making it difficult...  She has decided that she's not going to eat if I'm not eating.  I love her to death and it pains me to think she would stop eating.  She doesn't deserve that at all...  So I eat so that she'll eat.  Though I try to get away with eating as little as possible since it is also paining me to eat.  I'm so conflicted!  I know she's just trying to help because she cares about me.  But I just wish she'd let me not eat.  Not even completely stop, just eat very minimally.  Like, an apple a day or something.  Anyway, the road to weight loss will be slow since she's monitoring my food intake.  And I've promised not to lie to her about anything.  I will tell her if I'm not eating.  Trust is a big thing for me and I just can't lose that.

My collar bones and hip bones are helping to motivate me!  At 5'8" and 130.8 lbs they are slightly more noticeable than before.  Not too much, no one should be alarmed yet.  But I love them!  And I can't wait to be able to see more of them.  Is that bad?  I don't think so.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose "too much" weight.  Too many people that I'm close to know about my eating disorder and cutting so they are quick to jump on me if they think the slightest thing is going wrong.  Especially since I'm trying to stop eating right now.  Everything is pushing me to eat.  What they don't seem to realize is it's not going to help.  They may force food down my throat but it won't change my mindset.  It won't change the fact that I look in the mirror or down at my body and see gross fat hanging from my bones.  It won't stop me from thinking I'm not good enough.  This is something that I need to get through.

I have boy things to update you all on!  I am currently seeing a fantastic guy!  He's not my boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure we're exclusively dating.  He really is great.  We go out to dinner, play putt putt, watch movies, and just hang out.  I have so much fun when I'm with him.  I'm actually going over to his house in about 30 minutes.  So I should go get ready.  I'll update more soon!