Silence the daemons screaming "you're not good enough! you never have been!!" Try to drown the voices yelling "no one cares about you, just kill yourself already!" Fight the urge to cut. The urge to see the blood. The urge to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside. "you're such a baby! grow up and learn to deal with life. or just end it."
Nothing even happened... I hate that I feel this way over nothing! Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great. I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social. And all of a sudden it all turned. Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place... What is wrong with me? Apparently everything... I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me. It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do. I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid... Gahhh I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong. Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me. Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth. I don't know... I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way. But I don't think there is. Probably because it's the truth. I don't deserve to have friends. I don't deserve to be here...
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Liebster Blog Award
Wow! I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Judith Marie! I'm pretty excited :D It's been a really rough week... Before I get into the details of the award, I wanted to let you all know that my Grandpa passed away two nights ago... I haven't seen him since the beginning of August and I miss him so much!! I wish I had gotten the chance to see him one last time... But, I know he's in a better place free of the emphysema. So at least he doesn't have to suffer through that anymore! I love Grandpa!!
Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them
Hi everyone! My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name. But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty. I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!! I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn. I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes. I think they are the most attractive thing about someone
Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness... It would be incredibly different. I would spend everyday thinking about food. Weighing myself 3+ times each day. I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs. But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love. Life without an ED would be great! Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming. Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first. Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake. I think life would be happier...
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration. Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures. It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to. If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal. After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs. But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.
3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult. I love my dresses! I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more. Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly. It also gives me something that is distinctly mine. People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.
4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy! So many options. Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations. In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe. Like London or somewhere in Italy. I've always wanted to travel to Europe.
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww.. There are a million body things I would change. But something not related to my body... I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything. I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something. And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it. Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind. I just wish I didn't get upset over everything. And overthink everything.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm. Sometimes it gets really bad. Close to suicidal. Definitely a problem...
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually. Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin. I always was growing up. So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it. Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out. Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal." And I didn't like that. I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like. It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old. I don't believe I would ever get another piercing. Though I won't say never because you never know. But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic. I don't have any tattoos. And I don't believe I would ever get one. Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere. Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet. Being an actress makes tattoos problematic. Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot. To those that don't know: hardly at all. It definitely hurts those that know about it. Which I feel terrible about... They don't want to see me go through this. And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult. In those moments when I want recovery. I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that. It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery. Because I fight them on eating. So to those that know...I am truly sorry! I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball! Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.
11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom! That is literally all I want.
My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)
My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?
Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them
Hi everyone! My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name. But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty. I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!! I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn. I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes. I think they are the most attractive thing about someone
Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness... It would be incredibly different. I would spend everyday thinking about food. Weighing myself 3+ times each day. I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs. But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love. Life without an ED would be great! Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming. Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first. Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake. I think life would be happier...
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration. Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures. It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to. If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal. After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs. But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.
3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult. I love my dresses! I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more. Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly. It also gives me something that is distinctly mine. People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.
4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy! So many options. Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations. In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe. Like London or somewhere in Italy. I've always wanted to travel to Europe.
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww.. There are a million body things I would change. But something not related to my body... I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything. I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something. And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it. Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind. I just wish I didn't get upset over everything. And overthink everything.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm. Sometimes it gets really bad. Close to suicidal. Definitely a problem...
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually. Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin. I always was growing up. So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it. Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out. Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal." And I didn't like that. I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like. It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old. I don't believe I would ever get another piercing. Though I won't say never because you never know. But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic. I don't have any tattoos. And I don't believe I would ever get one. Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere. Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet. Being an actress makes tattoos problematic. Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot. To those that don't know: hardly at all. It definitely hurts those that know about it. Which I feel terrible about... They don't want to see me go through this. And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult. In those moments when I want recovery. I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that. It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery. Because I fight them on eating. So to those that know...I am truly sorry! I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball! Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.
11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom! That is literally all I want.
My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)
My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dead Scale
So last night I stepped on my scale: 130.2! I'm getting better :D Losing weight! Yes!!
I wake up this morning and remember the numbers: 130.2 Closer to my goal. Closer to perfect. Rubbing my eyes I shuffle to the bathroom. I'm not fully awake but I need to know. Tap the edge of the scale and wait for it to wake from it's own slumber. ... Nothing ... Tap it again. ... Still nothing ... Panic begins to set in. Someone must have taken the battery. They don't want me to weigh myself anymore! Sabotage!! Quick, grab the scale and flip it over. The battery flings itself to the floor. Okay..it just came undone. Stuff it back in, close the backing, and set it on the floor again. Tap the edge. ... Nothing ... Crap, the battery is dead... No weighing myself this morning. Am I still 130.2? Doubtful... I could have gained at least 2lbs over night. Guess I'll never know... Guess this is just a peak into what the rest of the day will hold.
I wake up this morning and remember the numbers: 130.2 Closer to my goal. Closer to perfect. Rubbing my eyes I shuffle to the bathroom. I'm not fully awake but I need to know. Tap the edge of the scale and wait for it to wake from it's own slumber. ... Nothing ... Tap it again. ... Still nothing ... Panic begins to set in. Someone must have taken the battery. They don't want me to weigh myself anymore! Sabotage!! Quick, grab the scale and flip it over. The battery flings itself to the floor. Okay..it just came undone. Stuff it back in, close the backing, and set it on the floor again. Tap the edge. ... Nothing ... Crap, the battery is dead... No weighing myself this morning. Am I still 130.2? Doubtful... I could have gained at least 2lbs over night. Guess I'll never know... Guess this is just a peak into what the rest of the day will hold.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
I don't understand societal views of eating disorders... I don't think I ever will. Think of all the celebrities that have received so much negative attention and nasty rumors because it is discovered they have an eating disorder. And if society feels that way about celebrities...just think of how they feel about everyone else. Having an eating disorder is not a choice! I did not wake up one morning and decide "I'm bored...you know what would be fun? I'm gonna hate my body, let the mirror dictate my life, work out until I feel like I'm gonna fall over, starve myself to the point where standing up makes me feel like I'm going to pass out.. Yea, that's how I'm gonna spend my time."
Absolutely not! I cannot tell you how this started, or even why or when. All I know is that I struggle with it every single day of my life. I wake up wondering who will win today: me or the anorexia. I go to sleep knowing I either won or lost. Knowing that tomorrow I will wake up and fight the battle all over again.
I was thinking about this today for some reason. I was looking at a picture of a celebrity who had an eating disorder and remembering how much drama surrounded it. No one felt sorry or concerned really. It was all negative...like she had done this to herself. And it made me realize why I could never confide in someone that I have an eating disorder. Because of the negative attention it gains... And that's just not right...
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Whatever it Takes
I have not weighed myself in two days and it's driving me insane!! But I'm in Minnesota at my Aunt/Grandparent's house and I have no idea where to find a scale... On Saturday I'll be home and there will be a scale. But then Sunday I will have my scale back and all will be well :D I can't wait.
I just want to lose. I keep going back and forth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin again. And right now I just want to be thin. My cousin, 17 year old boy, is about 6'0" and weighs 135lbs. I am 5'8" and fluctuate between 130 and 133. Not okay with me. I need to lose a lot more than I thought. I was aiming for 125 but I just need to get to 120. Ideally I'd love to be 115 but we'll see. I just need to get there! Somehow. Whatever it takes.
I just want to lose. I keep going back and forth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin again. And right now I just want to be thin. My cousin, 17 year old boy, is about 6'0" and weighs 135lbs. I am 5'8" and fluctuate between 130 and 133. Not okay with me. I need to lose a lot more than I thought. I was aiming for 125 but I just need to get to 120. Ideally I'd love to be 115 but we'll see. I just need to get there! Somehow. Whatever it takes.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thanksgiving Break
*Sigh*
I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days. Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening. Then it's back to school Sunday. What a welcome home it's been. I was eating dinner with my mom. She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen. I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting" I looked up and just stared. She knows what I've been through. Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still! I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say. To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?" So I put my fork down and stopped eating. ... For real?? Ughhh.... Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal." Well f*** that. Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.
I texted Ellen about it. She's been a huge support system for me. Which I feel bad about... I hate what it's doing to her. I can tell it makes her upset. And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her. I have absolutely no idea... And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out. I just want to know what's going through her head. I talked to her about that the other day. I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it. She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for. Nothing negative. She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts). Not gonna lie that hurt a bit. I know she didn't mean it in a negative way. But...I don't know. It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life. But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.
I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home. I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting. I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying. But I'm still nervous. She wasn't talkative though... I'm not sure why. Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about. Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Or maybe it's too painful for her. I have no idea.. I just wish she would confide me! I'm throwing everything at her. Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words. I tell her everything. I just want a piece of that in return.... Maybe that's too much to ask?
Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today. She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)" The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Be more, not less!"
I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days. Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening. Then it's back to school Sunday. What a welcome home it's been. I was eating dinner with my mom. She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen. I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting" I looked up and just stared. She knows what I've been through. Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still! I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say. To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?" So I put my fork down and stopped eating. ... For real?? Ughhh.... Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal." Well f*** that. Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.
I texted Ellen about it. She's been a huge support system for me. Which I feel bad about... I hate what it's doing to her. I can tell it makes her upset. And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her. I have absolutely no idea... And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out. I just want to know what's going through her head. I talked to her about that the other day. I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it. She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for. Nothing negative. She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts). Not gonna lie that hurt a bit. I know she didn't mean it in a negative way. But...I don't know. It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life. But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.
I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home. I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting. I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying. But I'm still nervous. She wasn't talkative though... I'm not sure why. Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about. Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Or maybe it's too painful for her. I have no idea.. I just wish she would confide me! I'm throwing everything at her. Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words. I tell her everything. I just want a piece of that in return.... Maybe that's too much to ask?
Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today. She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)" The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Be more, not less!"
Friday, November 2, 2012
Never Alone
Practically every night since Friday (the night I cut myself) I have not slept alone. That night Ellen came over, the next night was the ibuprofin night and Ellen and Cassie came over. Then Sunday night Ellen and Cassie were in my apartment working on homework and, though they didn't stay over, they didn't leave until 4:00am and I went to sleep at 2:00am. And that's the last night I've slept alone, Ellen and Cassie have been staying with me. And now it's Friday again.
I love having them spend the night! But...I feel awful. Because I know why they're doing it. They never spent the night this much before. Although it was often, it wasn't this often. I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself. And it makes me feel terrible. Because I don't want them to stay for that reason. I don't want to interrupt their lives. Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating. I feel like such a burden now. They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.
I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this. But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...
Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight. Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true. I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day. Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot. Which is absolutely true! But she didn't have to remind me... I just want to lose this gross fat. A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face. Yes yes. I should appreciate that they care about me. And I do! But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...
Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me. Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me? Does that mean I'm doing this for attention? No! But that terrifies me. That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me. But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people? My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her... And now I can't get that out of my head. So sometimes I believe it myself. That I'm being dumb and an attention whore. But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.
I love having them spend the night! But...I feel awful. Because I know why they're doing it. They never spent the night this much before. Although it was often, it wasn't this often. I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself. And it makes me feel terrible. Because I don't want them to stay for that reason. I don't want to interrupt their lives. Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating. I feel like such a burden now. They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.
I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this. But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...
Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight. Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true. I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day. Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot. Which is absolutely true! But she didn't have to remind me... I just want to lose this gross fat. A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face. Yes yes. I should appreciate that they care about me. And I do! But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...
Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me. Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me? Does that mean I'm doing this for attention? No! But that terrifies me. That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me. But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people? My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her... And now I can't get that out of my head. So sometimes I believe it myself. That I'm being dumb and an attention whore. But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.
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