Thanksgiving Break

*Sigh*

I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days.  Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening.  Then it's back to school Sunday.  What a welcome home it's been.  I was eating dinner with my mom.  She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen.  I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting"  I looked up and just stared.  She knows what I've been through.  Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still!  I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say.  To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?"  So I put my fork down and stopped eating.  ...  For real??  Ughhh....  Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal."  Well f*** that.  Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.

I texted Ellen about it.  She's been a huge support system for me.  Which I feel bad about...  I hate what it's doing to her.  I can tell it makes her upset.  And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her.  I have absolutely no idea...  And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out.  I just want to know what's going through her head.  I talked to her about that the other day.  I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it.  She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for.  Nothing negative.  She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts).  Not gonna lie that hurt a bit.  I know she didn't mean it in a negative way.  But...I don't know.  It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life.  But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.

I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home.  I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting.  I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying.  But I'm still nervous.  She wasn't talkative though...  I'm not sure why.  Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about.  Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things.  Maybe she just didn't know what to say.  Or maybe it's too painful for her.  I have no idea..  I just wish she would confide me!  I'm throwing everything at her.  Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words.  I tell her everything.  I just want a piece of that in return....  Maybe that's too much to ask?

Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today.  She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)"  The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.  That's it.  It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love.  Be more, not less!"

Never Alone

Practically every night since Friday (the night I cut myself) I have not slept alone.  That night Ellen came over, the next night was the ibuprofin night and Ellen and Cassie came over.  Then Sunday night Ellen and Cassie were in my apartment working on homework and, though they didn't stay over, they didn't leave until 4:00am and I went to sleep at 2:00am.  And that's the last night I've slept alone, Ellen and Cassie have been staying with me.  And now it's Friday again.

I love having them spend the night!  But...I feel awful.  Because I know why they're doing it.  They never spent the night this much before.  Although it was often, it wasn't this often.  I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself.  And it makes me feel terrible.  Because I don't want them to stay for that reason.  I don't want to interrupt their lives.  Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating.  I feel like such a burden now.  They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.

I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this.  But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...

Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight.  Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true.  I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day.  Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot.  Which is absolutely true!  But she didn't have to remind me...  I just want to lose this gross fat.  A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face.  Yes yes.  I should appreciate that they care about me.  And I do!  But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...

Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me.  Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me?  Does that mean I'm doing this for attention?  No!  But that terrifies me.  That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me.  But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people?  My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her...  And now I can't get that out of my head.  So sometimes I believe it myself.  That I'm being dumb and an attention whore.  But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.

Littles to the Resuce

The only reason I'm writing now is to say I'm alive.  I started popping ibuprofine after my last post.  I made it to 8 before Ellen came over.  She brought Cassie, my other little, with her.  The got to my apartment and sat with me in my room for about a minute.  I could tell Ellen had been crying...  She was in her room and we were texting and I was telling her I was upset.  And I was talking to her about how things were just pointless and I didn't know what to do and she said, "Big should I come over?"  I told her she didn't have to.  I felt bad making her come over...  And she insisted on coming over anyway.  So she texted me saying "Don't do anything before I get there"  No response.  She texted again "Pleeeeaasseee"  So I said I wasn't cutting and that I wasn't doing anything right then.  And she asked what I had done before and I told her I took 8 ibuprofin tablets.  So that's why she was crying... because of me...  I felt awful!

Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up.  Which I tried, I really did.  But nothing came up.  Cassie was in the bathroom briefly.  But most of the time she spent in my room.  I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either.  Though that's just the way she handles things.  I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot.  Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who.  But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital.  Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything.  So of course I didn't need to go.  So I gave up trying to throw up.

I'm sure I was a site to see...  Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back.  And then I just started crying.  Sobbing actually.  And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me.  It was the most touching experience.  I felt awful that I was putting her through this...  She just held me like she didn't want to lose me.  How could I be so selfish?

The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried.  It was nice to have them there....  I desperately needed them.  They spent the night which was nice as well.

I apologized to them both.  Which they both said was unnecessary.  But I feel awful...  It's not fair to them for me to put them through this.  They shouldn't have to deal with it.  These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them.  Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone.  Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me.  I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you.  If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you.  No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."

I just want to end my life.  Take a bottle of pills and swallow them all.  Then wait for them to hit and kill me.  Last night I had the same thought, but wanted to slit my wrists.  Which I did but not deep enough to do much damage.  Just blood.

But I'm sitting here wondering what would happen if I took the rest of my sertraline pills tonight...  Or took all 50 tablets of ibuprofen.  It could work...  No one is here.  No one can stop me.  No one but myself.  So here's the question: do I have the guts?

Am I Broken?

Judith Marie!  Thank you so much for commenting!  It always brings me hope when I hear from you.

This morning I weighed 130.  It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow.  But I can't ever skip meals.  And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym.  Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.

Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing).  I really love spending time with him.  Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend.  We'll see if that ever happens.  Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself.  But I can't.  I'm too "old fashioned" for that.  The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.

I think my meds aren't working so well anymore.  Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here.  The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it.  So I'm stuck in a loop in my head.  I don't know what to do...  The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad.  Depressed.  I don't want to do anything or see anyone.  The slightest thing triggers it.  I want to cut so badly!!  I just want the blood and the pain.  But I don't want the scars.  And that is keeping me away from razors.  I've seriously been considering just bruising myself.  Hitting myself with something or running into the wall.  That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar.  But I would be able to see a bruise.

I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently.  Pretty bad ones.  For no real reason either.  So I don't know how to prevent them...  I just text Ellen when they happen.  That way I don't feel completely alone through it.  I do the same thing during my spouts of depression.  Text Ellen.  Reach out and remind myself that she is always there.  For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that.  If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse.  And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone.  I wonder why it's different.  And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me.  My first reaction is to reach out to her.  I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.

Why am I so fucked up?  Surely I am broken...  How else do you explain all of this?

At this rate I'll never be skinny

Gah.  I just want to lose more weight and it's impossible.  I'm never allowed to skip a meal, Ellen makes that impossible.  I really do appreciate what she's doing.  She cares enough about me to get and stay involved and not explode and get angry with me.  But, at the same time, I wish I could get away with skipping meals.  Eating lunch and dinner every single day is driving me crazy.  I'm 131lbs right now and I want to be 125!!  I seriously need to start exercising.  That way I'll be burning more calories.  I just hardly have time in my schedule.  But I have to figure out something...  at this rate I'll never be skinny

This weekend I was house sitting for a family I used to nanny for. It was great to have the weekend to myself! Though I wasn't as productive as I should have been. And I ate more that I should have. The worst part? There was no scale... I couldn't weigh myself at all this weekend. So I will definitely be doing that later today.

I have to head to class but I just wanted to quickly update to let you all know (if anyone still reads this blog) that I'm alive!