Beach today was a success!! Laura and I talked about the scars and my cutting. I told her about Nancy and everything. I told her that Megg and Erica both know. How Erica took my x-acto knife and scale and then I bought more. I even told her how Megg found out...about her walking into my room and seeing my wrist that night I feel asleep. It was nice. She is always really easy to talk to about things like that. No judgement, no anger, just support and understanding. It's almost like having a buddy who does it, but better. Because I know she isn't hurting herself.
Unfortunately, I'm burnt as heck. My whole body. Mostly my face though. And even that is only one side since I spent the whole time talking with Laura and my face was turned. I have no plans to be in the sun till Sunday at Universal Studios though. It's not an awful burn on my body. No extreme pain which is good. I just hope I'm tan once the burn goes away, haha.
And I bought laxatives today for the first time! I've been having a tough time...well...I could write out the TMI version but I'm just not going to. These laxatives will just help with that plus it'll cleanse my system. I bought the CVS brand called "Gentle Laxative Bisacodyl USP" so we'll see how that works. I'm about to take two tablets (the recommended dosage is between 1 and 3) and then go to sleep. It says to "expect results in 8-12 hours if taken at bedtime" so that's sometime between 9:00am tomorrow morning and 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon. We'll see when it hits...
Anyway, just wanted to update you all and let you know life is good! I've only got a little bit left being home for spring break. I have all day tomorrow and then I drive back up to school Saturday morning so I've got lots of cleaning and shopping left to do before I go back. I plan to update again on Monday just because I know I'll be busy till then. But who knows, maybe I'll pop back on for a brief update before that.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
F**k the Bullsh*t
I'm fat, ugly, stupid...what's the point?
I feel so absolutely gross right now. Haven't cut in over a week. The anxiety is just building up and I really need to do it again... But I'm home for Spring Break and it's harder to get away with here. Especially since I'm going to the beach in two days.. Gonna have to explain the cuts to Laura. At least it's just gonna be the two of us and she knows I've cut in the past, telling her won't be entirely too difficult. Plus, who gives a shit if people know? What are they gonna do? Nothing. They can't do anything!! Lock me up? Force me into therapy? I'm 20 fricken years old. Good luck forcing me to do anything.
I'm watching Girl Interrupted right now. Strangely it's fairly triggering. Filled with crazy people. Including people with EDs. I've yet to see a self-harmer but whatever. Triggering for both none the less. I'm so over pretending I'm fine. If my friends wanna know I cut, so be it. If they wanna know I don't eat, go ahead. It's who I am. I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last December and it makes me physically ill to think about. Hiding it just makes me gain weight and I don't want that! I'm not gonna let my parents know or anything. But I'm not going to great lengths to hide it from my "friends." They don't do anything anyway.
I feel so absolutely gross right now. Haven't cut in over a week. The anxiety is just building up and I really need to do it again... But I'm home for Spring Break and it's harder to get away with here. Especially since I'm going to the beach in two days.. Gonna have to explain the cuts to Laura. At least it's just gonna be the two of us and she knows I've cut in the past, telling her won't be entirely too difficult. Plus, who gives a shit if people know? What are they gonna do? Nothing. They can't do anything!! Lock me up? Force me into therapy? I'm 20 fricken years old. Good luck forcing me to do anything.
I'm watching Girl Interrupted right now. Strangely it's fairly triggering. Filled with crazy people. Including people with EDs. I've yet to see a self-harmer but whatever. Triggering for both none the less. I'm so over pretending I'm fine. If my friends wanna know I cut, so be it. If they wanna know I don't eat, go ahead. It's who I am. I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last December and it makes me physically ill to think about. Hiding it just makes me gain weight and I don't want that! I'm not gonna let my parents know or anything. But I'm not going to great lengths to hide it from my "friends." They don't do anything anyway.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Conversation Continued
So for those of you who read the last post here is how the conversation panned out:
Me: When did you see it?
Erica: A little while ago
Me: Well, regardless, it's up to you as to whether or not I get it back from you.
Erica: I mean it's yours so if you want it you can have it but I don't think it will help
Me: Well I wouldn't ask you for it if I didn't want it
Erica: Ok you can have it then
Ughh....So clearly she is not happy about this. I didn't talk to her after that cause I felt weird about it. She was in my apartment when I got back from rehearsal but we didn't really talk. We did a little but not like usual. And, I mean, she was doing homework so maybe that was why. But it just felt weird and different. Whatever. Right now I'm not worrying about it. If things stay awkward then I don't know. But I have a feeling things will pan out on their own. She didn't bring the scale back though...wish she had. I wonder if she is actually going to.
Lent starts tomorrow! Goodness. I haven't really finalized what I'm giving up yet. Possibly Facebook? and I think sweets for sure. And I want to go to the gym at least 2 times a week. So really the only one I'm unsure of is the Facebook one. We'll see how I feel about that later. Maybe I'll just lessen my time spent on facebook? I've grown to love my ED profile (Ana Makesme Perfect) and I'm not sure I could give that up all together.
Me: When did you see it?
Erica: A little while ago
Me: Well, regardless, it's up to you as to whether or not I get it back from you.
Erica: I mean it's yours so if you want it you can have it but I don't think it will help
Me: Well I wouldn't ask you for it if I didn't want it
Erica: Ok you can have it then
Ughh....So clearly she is not happy about this. I didn't talk to her after that cause I felt weird about it. She was in my apartment when I got back from rehearsal but we didn't really talk. We did a little but not like usual. And, I mean, she was doing homework so maybe that was why. But it just felt weird and different. Whatever. Right now I'm not worrying about it. If things stay awkward then I don't know. But I have a feeling things will pan out on their own. She didn't bring the scale back though...wish she had. I wonder if she is actually going to.
Lent starts tomorrow! Goodness. I haven't really finalized what I'm giving up yet. Possibly Facebook? and I think sweets for sure. And I want to go to the gym at least 2 times a week. So really the only one I'm unsure of is the Facebook one. We'll see how I feel about that later. Maybe I'll just lessen my time spent on facebook? I've grown to love my ED profile (Ana Makesme Perfect) and I'm not sure I could give that up all together.
Erica knows I have another scale..
I texted her today and said:
Me: So here's what I've been thinking. I think I've been doing good and can have my scale back :)
Her: Nope because I know you have another one!
Me: What?
Her: I saw one behind your bed
Me: It's a box
Her: It looked different than the one you had
Well I didn't lie to her. The one behind my bed is a box. I just didn't tell her that the scale that came in the box is hidden under my sink covered up by extra towels. But I need my old scale back!! This new one is unreliable and changes all the time. I just want my other one back!! I'm attached to it in some weird way. Now how do I finish this convo? Tell her I have a new scale? Or keep lying... I'll let you know how it goes.
I texted her today and said:
Me: So here's what I've been thinking. I think I've been doing good and can have my scale back :)
Her: Nope because I know you have another one!
Me: What?
Her: I saw one behind your bed
Me: It's a box
Her: It looked different than the one you had
Well I didn't lie to her. The one behind my bed is a box. I just didn't tell her that the scale that came in the box is hidden under my sink covered up by extra towels. But I need my old scale back!! This new one is unreliable and changes all the time. I just want my other one back!! I'm attached to it in some weird way. Now how do I finish this convo? Tell her I have a new scale? Or keep lying... I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, February 20, 2012
First of all: Thank you to everyone who comments on my posts! Judith Marie, Christina, CreativeEscape, you guys are awesome! Seeing the comments always makes me day.
I just got back to my apartment after my appointment with Nancy. It went pretty well. I was there for 45 minutes, not the whole hour. We just talked about how my weekend was and everything. I told her it was pretty stressful since it was tech weekend for the show. I was there from 2:30pm to 9:00pm on Friday, 10:00am to 7:15pm on Saturday, and then 10:00am to 4:15pm on Sunday. It was a looong weekend! It was nice to just sit and talk with her. It felt like I was just having a conversation with someone who not only let me talk about myself, but encouraged me to keep going. So refreshing from the conversations I have with my friends who like to talk all about themselves. Except for last night! I asked Megg if she would come lay in bed with me for a bit because I was feeling really anxious about my appointment with Nancy and everything. And she did! She came and let me cuddle into her and talk to her a bit about how I was nervous. I felt like such a child cuddling up to her but it's the only thing that can really calm me when I'm that anxious about something. I wonder why that is... I told Nancy about it and she said she was really proud that I was able to open up to Megg like that. I probably should have brought up the cuddle thing. She'd probably have a field day analyzing that. But I didn't... Dang it. Well there's always next time. Which I haven't even scheduled yet. She says I've done a great job this past week handling everything. We talked about how I've kept myself really busy and how I thrive off of the business and stress and, of course, she said it's because I don't have to deal with or think about anything if there's no time to. Which is completely correct. So I'll probably schedule another appointment with her after the show is finished and I've had time not being incredibly busy.
And I also feel a little guilty... Well, guilty isn't the right word. But a little bit. I didn't tell her that I cut on Friday... So for all she knows, I haven't cut since I spoke with her last. But, at the same time, I never said that. Though I did tell her I've been fine... I don't know. I probably should have told her. That's what she's there for. But I couldn't bring myself to say it!! And she didn't ask. Though I kind of figured she wouldn't and that she'd wait till I opened up again. I think I just sort of regret not telling her. I don't know. I'm sure her question of "so how have you been?" should have been answered with an "I'm alright. I cut again this weekend" instead of "good" but I can't change that now. I know it's gonna happen again and I also know I'll end up making another appointment. So that'll be my second chance at answering correctly. I just hate saying the words out loud.
I just got back to my apartment after my appointment with Nancy. It went pretty well. I was there for 45 minutes, not the whole hour. We just talked about how my weekend was and everything. I told her it was pretty stressful since it was tech weekend for the show. I was there from 2:30pm to 9:00pm on Friday, 10:00am to 7:15pm on Saturday, and then 10:00am to 4:15pm on Sunday. It was a looong weekend! It was nice to just sit and talk with her. It felt like I was just having a conversation with someone who not only let me talk about myself, but encouraged me to keep going. So refreshing from the conversations I have with my friends who like to talk all about themselves. Except for last night! I asked Megg if she would come lay in bed with me for a bit because I was feeling really anxious about my appointment with Nancy and everything. And she did! She came and let me cuddle into her and talk to her a bit about how I was nervous. I felt like such a child cuddling up to her but it's the only thing that can really calm me when I'm that anxious about something. I wonder why that is... I told Nancy about it and she said she was really proud that I was able to open up to Megg like that. I probably should have brought up the cuddle thing. She'd probably have a field day analyzing that. But I didn't... Dang it. Well there's always next time. Which I haven't even scheduled yet. She says I've done a great job this past week handling everything. We talked about how I've kept myself really busy and how I thrive off of the business and stress and, of course, she said it's because I don't have to deal with or think about anything if there's no time to. Which is completely correct. So I'll probably schedule another appointment with her after the show is finished and I've had time not being incredibly busy.
And I also feel a little guilty... Well, guilty isn't the right word. But a little bit. I didn't tell her that I cut on Friday... So for all she knows, I haven't cut since I spoke with her last. But, at the same time, I never said that. Though I did tell her I've been fine... I don't know. I probably should have told her. That's what she's there for. But I couldn't bring myself to say it!! And she didn't ask. Though I kind of figured she wouldn't and that she'd wait till I opened up again. I think I just sort of regret not telling her. I don't know. I'm sure her question of "so how have you been?" should have been answered with an "I'm alright. I cut again this weekend" instead of "good" but I can't change that now. I know it's gonna happen again and I also know I'll end up making another appointment. So that'll be my second chance at answering correctly. I just hate saying the words out loud.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I have my next appointment with Nancy tomorrow. Oh goodness... I wonder if she is going to ask me if I've cut myself since I talked with her. The honest answer would yes. Or is she just going to assume/hope I'll let her know if I've cut. That's not going to happen. I'm certainly not going to just volunteer that information if she doesn't ask. But if she asks I'll feel obligated to answer honestly. Otherwise I'm wasting both of our times. I can't lie to her. If telling her the truth doesn't work out for me, I can always stop going. No one is forcing me.
Speaking of my cuts. The one I did about two and half weeks ago is itching so much!!! I know it's because it's healing but I want it to stop!! Between the itch in that one and the pain in the one on my hip it's driving me crazy. There's no way these aren't leaving really noticeable scars. I already have a bunch of scars from cutting and those weren't nearly as deep as these new ones. Eventually my parents are going to find out. We go on the boat all the time when I'm home and I can't wear coverups forever. Maybe I can. Anyway I'm not thinking about that right now!! Self Reminder: One step at a time! Don't think too far ahead. Remember what Nancy said "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time" You can do this.
Well I'm going to do some more crocheting and then go to bed. Gym at 8:45am tomorrow :D
Speaking of my cuts. The one I did about two and half weeks ago is itching so much!!! I know it's because it's healing but I want it to stop!! Between the itch in that one and the pain in the one on my hip it's driving me crazy. There's no way these aren't leaving really noticeable scars. I already have a bunch of scars from cutting and those weren't nearly as deep as these new ones. Eventually my parents are going to find out. We go on the boat all the time when I'm home and I can't wear coverups forever. Maybe I can. Anyway I'm not thinking about that right now!! Self Reminder: One step at a time! Don't think too far ahead. Remember what Nancy said "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time" You can do this.
Well I'm going to do some more crocheting and then go to bed. Gym at 8:45am tomorrow :D
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I cut again today...
My mom texted me asking if she's ever hit me. It was such a weird conversation that I have to put it on here. I was so confused and uncomfortable by the conversation.
Mom - Pregunta: has mommy ever hit you?
Me - What?
Mom - Answer honestly
Me - No. Unless I've repressed it, haha. Why?
Mom - Unless you've been drinking.
Me - What?
Me - I haven't
Mom - Aunt Nicole and I are discussing spanking with Daddy.
Me - Oh! You were making me nervous. Lol. What are you guys saying?
Mom - I'm asking if I've ever spanked you.
Me - Oh. I don't remember. Maybe?
Mom - Ok. I say yes. Daddy doesn't believe me. It was for your own good and obviously worked!!
Me - I would believe it if you said you had. I just don't remember it really. And worked for what? Haha. That I'm not a delinquent?
Mom - Yup. Mission accomplished. Love you
Me - Love you too
Mom - Gnite.
Me - Night :)
It was an incredibly weird conversation and I just felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable the whole time. And I ended up cutting... Two beautiful lines. One on my left rib cage and the other on my left hip. Nancy will be interested to hear about that... The good thing is she told me that she knew it wasn't realistic to expect me not to cut ever again just because I had one appointment with her. She just wants me to make a note of what's going on in my life at the time I do it.
- Strange text conversation with my mom
- I found out my dad won't be able to come to the play that I'm in....again. He's always working which is understandable but it still sucks
- It's tech weekend for Lysistrata which is always a stressful time in itself
- The TD (technical director) for Lysistrata has been perpetually mad at me and keeps telling me I'm not doing a good job, no matter how hard I work or how many extra hours I put in! I was working at the theatre from 2:30pm to 9:00pm today. In addition to the 9 hours a week I put in ever week, at minimum! But I'm ME (master electrician) and apparently am not working hard enough.
I think that's about it... I don't have any tests coming up or large papers due. I'm not on my period. I haven't been drinking. Now for some emotions that I've been feeling recently.
- I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to receive horrible news. I don't know exactly when it started or why but lately it's all I can think about. I opened the letter my Gammi (Grandma) sent me, she writes me twice a week, and there was a picture of my Gampi (Grandpa) and I thought she was writing me to say that he passed away. Really she just wanted me to have a picture. The conversation with my mom I was convinced she was going to tell me she used to be abusive and I just didn't remember it. Things like that just take over my mind lately.
- I've been feeling like my friends don't really want me around so I've been sort of distancing myself. This isn't a new feeling at all. I constantly feel this way. Thankfully I've been getting closer to Erica so at least I feel okay around her. But for some reason with Megg, Kristen, and Andrea I just feel out of place and unwanted. So I've been pulling away.
- FAT!! I have disgusting fat all over my body that I need to get rid of. I purged last night after eating chips and salsa at Chili's because I felt so disgusting. I wanted to purge tonight after eating pizza but I ate it around 7 and didn't get back to my room till 9:15 so there was no way that would have worked.
I think that's about it. So that's all I have for now.
My mom texted me asking if she's ever hit me. It was such a weird conversation that I have to put it on here. I was so confused and uncomfortable by the conversation.
Mom - Pregunta: has mommy ever hit you?
Me - What?
Mom - Answer honestly
Me - No. Unless I've repressed it, haha. Why?
Mom - Unless you've been drinking.
Me - What?
Me - I haven't
Mom - Aunt Nicole and I are discussing spanking with Daddy.
Me - Oh! You were making me nervous. Lol. What are you guys saying?
Mom - I'm asking if I've ever spanked you.
Me - Oh. I don't remember. Maybe?
Mom - Ok. I say yes. Daddy doesn't believe me. It was for your own good and obviously worked!!
Me - I would believe it if you said you had. I just don't remember it really. And worked for what? Haha. That I'm not a delinquent?
Mom - Yup. Mission accomplished. Love you
Me - Love you too
Mom - Gnite.
Me - Night :)
It was an incredibly weird conversation and I just felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable the whole time. And I ended up cutting... Two beautiful lines. One on my left rib cage and the other on my left hip. Nancy will be interested to hear about that... The good thing is she told me that she knew it wasn't realistic to expect me not to cut ever again just because I had one appointment with her. She just wants me to make a note of what's going on in my life at the time I do it.
- Strange text conversation with my mom
- I found out my dad won't be able to come to the play that I'm in....again. He's always working which is understandable but it still sucks
- It's tech weekend for Lysistrata which is always a stressful time in itself
- The TD (technical director) for Lysistrata has been perpetually mad at me and keeps telling me I'm not doing a good job, no matter how hard I work or how many extra hours I put in! I was working at the theatre from 2:30pm to 9:00pm today. In addition to the 9 hours a week I put in ever week, at minimum! But I'm ME (master electrician) and apparently am not working hard enough.
I think that's about it... I don't have any tests coming up or large papers due. I'm not on my period. I haven't been drinking. Now for some emotions that I've been feeling recently.
- I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to receive horrible news. I don't know exactly when it started or why but lately it's all I can think about. I opened the letter my Gammi (Grandma) sent me, she writes me twice a week, and there was a picture of my Gampi (Grandpa) and I thought she was writing me to say that he passed away. Really she just wanted me to have a picture. The conversation with my mom I was convinced she was going to tell me she used to be abusive and I just didn't remember it. Things like that just take over my mind lately.
- I've been feeling like my friends don't really want me around so I've been sort of distancing myself. This isn't a new feeling at all. I constantly feel this way. Thankfully I've been getting closer to Erica so at least I feel okay around her. But for some reason with Megg, Kristen, and Andrea I just feel out of place and unwanted. So I've been pulling away.
- FAT!! I have disgusting fat all over my body that I need to get rid of. I purged last night after eating chips and salsa at Chili's because I felt so disgusting. I wanted to purge tonight after eating pizza but I ate it around 7 and didn't get back to my room till 9:15 so there was no way that would have worked.
I think that's about it. So that's all I have for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
