Slowly, hands trembling, I stepped toward the instrument that has been controlling my life.  Would it bring good news today?  Or attack me with large, heavy numbers . . leaving me crumpled and useless on the floor . .  With a deep breath I step my right foot on, followed by the left.  I close my eyes and exhale.  Finally I've worked up enough courage to stare down at the numbers.  132.4 stares up at me.  I've seen lower, much lower.  But what great news!  I step off the scale with a sense of accomplishment and hop in the shower.  Pain sears through my wrist, my forearm, my thigh, my hip . .  Blatant reminders that I cut last night.  Clearly I got carried away.  But who cares?  132.4.  I scrub away all the dirt and hurt from yesterday.  132.4.  I watch as blood and memories are sucked down the drain.  132.4.  Feeling successfully clean I shut the water off and step out of the shower.  130....what?  132.4?  Better check again, that can't be right!  No way I've dropped two pounds.  Time to step on the scale again.  Right foot.  Left foot.  132.2.  A change...don't know which is right.  Stupid scale.  Better stick with 132.4.  132.4.  132.4.  Step off the scale, grab my towel, head to my room to get dressed.  Long sleeves and jeans of course.  Cover the scars, cover the bruises, cover the fat.  And now I can start my day . .

Back At School

Well, with all the traveling I did at the end of December and beginning of January I had no time to write.  Not to mention I didn't have internet.  But now I'm back at school, all unpacked, and officially started classes today.

Haven't lost much weight recently...I gained a few pounds over the Holidays which was super irritating and now I'm back to like 134.  The good thing though is that my group of friends are going through this healthy kick.  Which means they're all dieting and exercising more often.  So that helps a lot!!

So I just wanted to jump on here really quick but I don't have much time so I have to go.  I have auditions for the next play to go to and I'm pretty nervous.  We'll see how that goes!

Goodness.  Been a while since I've been on here.  I don't know what I do that.  I start a good routine of writing on here and then I go MIA for a while.

Well I'm back home for winter break.  And I'm sick... I got home on Friday, babysat that night, babysat again the next night, woke up feeling a little congested but babysat that morning.  The next day I had a full on, what I thought was, a sinus infection.  I had the worst nights sleep last night.  I went to bed at 9:30pm since I wasn't feeling well, my brother and dad woke me up at 12:30am being too loud.  I then woke up once every hour until I finally stayed awake at 8:15pm.  I felt pretty well today but definitely not perfect.  My whole neck and back is sore, I can hardly move my head, and every time I stand up my head pounds.  But other than that I'm fine.  Oh yea, and my throat is swollen and I'm started to get little white puss spots on it... wonderful.  I just want to feel better!!

Depending on how I feel tomorrow my mom said she may take me to the doctor.  As long as she doesn't do a full on check-up I don't mind.  However, there are some gross cuts on my hip that I do not want her to see!  I have no idea how I would explain those...  

Day 10: Christmas wish list
- Reach my goal weight, knitting supplies, strength to continue losing weight, clothing

Day 11: Tea or coffee?
- Definitely tea!! I don't like coffee and I love tea!  I don't think I can get through a day without it.  I drink all kinds: earl gray, green, english breakfast, chamomile, english afternoon, irish afternoon, basically everything!  I don't like lemon though.  I used to drink it with sugar and milk but started cutting back on the sugar and skipping the milk.


So much is going on right now . . .  How and when did life get so stressful?  And when did I become so unmotivated about school?  That's never been me.  I've always been hard working and motivated, never stopping.  And lately I've just been losing interest.  I think more and more about death.  I couldn't actually kill myself but I keep thinking about it.  Wondering what the point to all of this is.  Why am I in school?  Why does it matter?  Why do I need to live?  What's the point?  I promise I'm not suicidal.  I just don't understand where my head is right now . . .

Also, I started talking to Ryan again . . .  I don't think I've ever talked about him on here.  We met the summer before my sophomore year of college and he was just graduating.  He ended up moving to where I go to school to live with one of his best friends who was a senior when I was a sophomore.  We went on a couple dates and talked all the time.  And then, like I always, I freaked out.  He was getting to close and I wasn't comfortable with it so I started withdrawing.  Well, he didn't take that well at all and completely blew up on me.  We fought consistently for about two weeks where he would yell at me and tell me I was an awful person and blah blah blah.  Well, we finally stopped talking.  I was really upset after that situation.  At the time I didn't realize any of it was my fault and blamed it all on him being psycho.  Looking back on it I realize it had a lot to do with me and my insecurity with people getting too close.  Well, half a year later (end of my second semester sophomore year) I started to realize this and realized I missed his friendship.  He had since moved and got a job.  So we started texting and talking again.  Of course there was still an attraction there so we were very flirty and such.  Well, that summer, it ended in a blow up again.  We talked about how neither of us would ever do a long distance relationship and somehow things turned weird from there.   I'm not really sure what prompted it but he went crazy again and we stopped talking.

You think I'd have learned my lesson.  Nope.  We started talking again a couple weeks into this semester (first semester junior year).  He then asked if I would go to dinner with him if he came to visit.  I said I didn't think it was a good idea since neither of us want a long distance relationship and I knew that going to dinner would just complicate things.  He proceeded to tell me I was dumber than he thought and he should have seen it and I was the stupidest person he'd ever met.

Lesson learned?  Apparently not.  We are talking again.  Everything's on good terms and I really enjoy talking to him.  A few nights ago we were texting and for some reason he brought up my weight.  He wanted to guess how much I weighed and he guessed between 130 and 135.  Correct.  I asked him why he wanted to know and this is how the convo went from there:
Him: Just curiosity.  You're at the perfect weight really.  You got substance but it's tailored and trimmed
(little does he know I don't want that "substance."  I want emptiness)
Me: Thanks :)  I wouldn't say perfect but I'll take the compliment anyway
Him: Trust me your weight is highly ideal.  You may think you want to weigh less but you don't
Him: You prob would like to be more toned
Me: Lol.  Thanks
Him: Which means your weight is perfect :)

I just disagree completely . . .  But whatever.  He can think what he wants.  For now I want to reach 120 so I can reach 115 and take it from there.  I think my ultimate weight is probably 110.  But for now I want to get back down to 120.

Well this post is getting kind of long so I'll stop it here.  Thank you to everyone who reads and has been commenting on this posts!!  Judith Marie and Lolo =]

133.2

Well I just got back to school.  I'm currently the only one in the sorority house so literally nothing is going on.  I also just weighed myself.  I'm at 133.2.  Ughh...  I suppose I should be happy that I lost over the break instead of gaining.  I'm down 1.4 lbs since I last weighed myself.  But still...I have 28 days until Christmas.  I need to lose at least 13.2 lbs by then.  Ideally I'd lose 18.2 but I don't know if I could pull that off.  I just need to push harder!

I'm attempting to fast today.  I've been awake for eight hours and haven't eaten yet.  And it's been about 20 since my last meal.  I'm drinking a lot of water to keep my mind off being hungry.  I know that, since it's our first day back from the break, people are going to try to convince me to go get dinner with them.  Somehow I need to find the will power to go eat with them but not let myself eat.  I'm so close yet so far away from my goal.

Time to update on the days for the challenge:
Day 6: List 10 things about your personality.
- I'm quick to learn, eager to please, put others' needs in front of my own, a great listener, dedicated, I thrive off stress and keeping myself busy, I over think everything, I'm creative and crafty, my mood can change very fast and I tend to go from 'happy' to depressed for no reason, and I'm competitive.

Day 7: Current weight
- 133.2 (I'm going from today since I didn't have a scale on the actual 7th day)

Day 8: Body part you want to change the most
- Without a doubt my stomach.  I have a gross gut that sticks out and makes me cringe just thinking about it.  Although I'd also like to get rid of the fat on my thighs and hips...  I never have liked my thighs.

Day 9: Brief plans for the Holidays
- Coming home from college and just hanging out at home, babysitting, maybe hanging out with some 'friends.'  Then having Christmas at my house and possibly going to visit college friends or have them come visit me, especially for New Years.

Thanksgiving...

Well . . . I hate holidays.  I love being around my family and everything but hate that there is so much food everywhere!!  I did pretty well before dinner.  Definitely more than I was planning but I didn't feel guilty.  I ate half a banana, an apple, a handful of grapes, and a bag of fritos.  Okay . . . putting it in writing seems a lot worse than when I just thought about it . . . shoot . . .  Well there's nothing I can do about that now.

Then for dinner I ate too much.  And by that I mean I ate one plateful (a normal serving of food).  But we all know that "normal" is too much.  Especially when you consider how fat the American population is as a whole.  It disgusts me.  Well, I ate turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, asparagus, and bread with butter.  And, of course, my turkey and mashed potatoes had gravy.  Gravy = pure fat.  Then I had a rootbeer to go with it which is about 170 calories on its own.  And for dessert I had a bowl of ice cream with about a table spoon of log cabin maple syrup on top.  Ughhh!!!  Too much food!!!  I seriously need to start working out more than I do.  And eat less.

Now all I want to do is go to sleep!!  Tomorrow we are going to an apple orchard near by which will be great.  Although my Aunt will try to get me to eat a caramel apple or some apple cookies . . . or both.  And I have no idea how I'm going to handle that.  Logic is telling me to say no to both!  But we'll see what will power does tomorrow.  I just have to remember that it's not worth it!  The taste will only last for a few minutes.  But the feeling of being thin will last much longer.

Minnesota Weekend

Day 5: Are you pro-thinspo, pro-fitspo, pro-ana, pro-mia, or pro-weight-loss?  Why?
- Difficult question . . . I'd say I'm definitely pro-thinspo, fitspo, and weight loss for myself and others.  On a whole I encourage others to be healthy and inspiration that helps you achieve that is always good.  However, I am not pro-any form of eating disorder for those who don't have one.  I am a member of a "pro-ana" site though.  I go there for support and inspiration.  So I like having the option of visiting a pro-ana site even though I strongly discourage it for anyone not already struggling.

So I'm up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving.  This is gonna be a struggle.  I already ate more today than I should have and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!  I don't plan on eating anything before dinner though that way if I over eat a little bit it won't be the end of the world.  Though I'd really like to eat less than a normal portion of food.  Just a taste of everything to occupy time and show everyone I'm eating.  Is it bad that I'm hoping to wake up really sick tomorrow?  Last year I got so lucky and was throwing up during dinner so I didn't have to worry about it.  Oh well . . . I'll just have to prove my strength of character.

I've been thinking about trying out laxatives lately and Judith Marie (a blogger I follow) just recently posted about using them.  It's seriously making the thoughts even stronger.  Sure, now you all probably think I just copy everything I read from blogs.  I promise you that's not the case.  Reading these blogs just helps me settle these debates I've been having with myself.  But you can think what you wish.  Unfortunately I am not home or up at school so I don't have the opportunity to get them at the moment.  I'm going to have to wait till I leave Minnesota.  Gives me some more time to debate about it.

And now for a comment response:

Judith Marie:  Thank you so much for your lovely comment!  I'm always terrified that someone is going to to notice my cutting and confront me about it.  So I had to be sure I put it somewhere no one would see.  Your comment really means a lot =]  I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it beautiful.  I guess that's how our minds work.  There's something inherently more beautiful about something when you've carved it into your skin.  Maybe that's just because I'm crazy . . .