I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday...  I guess I'm going to discuss everything.  This whole "eating disorder" the cutting the wanting to kill myself...  But what if she doesn't believe me?  I'm terrified to talk to her...  I'm not even underweight.  How can you get help for an eating disorder when you could stand to lose a few pounds?  Ughhh.  I don't even know why I'm going...

Also, I'm an awful friend.  I keep dragging Ellen into this whole situation and it's not fair to her.  I'm going to keep telling her I hate myself and she's going to keep telling me not to.  What if that makes her think I don't trust her?  Or I don't value her opinion?  That's not the case at all and I can't stand to think she might believe that...  Her brother told her that if he were me, he wouldn't be friends with her.  Who would say that?  He knows nothing about our friendship.  Really it's the other way around.  I can't understand why she's still friends with me.  After everything I've put her through.  And continue to put her through.  I just need to stop bringing her into this.  She deserves better than that.  She deserves a better friend.

And I cut again.  It felt so good.  There was no trying to stop it, no reaching out for help to push through it.  I felt the urge and gave in.  I cut and let the blood flow.  What a beautiful sight.  To see the scarlet red drip down my pale skin.  I wanted it so badly.  And I let myself enjoy it