I don't know that I can keep up this blog anymore. I'm clinging desperately to the idea of recovery and that's not what this blog symbolizes for me. This blog is where I went when I was clinging to Ana (the name of the voice my anorexia has in my head) and all of her fake promises of success and happiness. Now I can see that she was lying.
Maybe I'll be able to use this as a recovery blog at some point. But, for now, I just need to step back and take some time for myself. I've seen a dietitian and have my own food plan, I have a psychiatrist and am on medication, and am currently looking to switch therapists. I have the business card of a woman who specializes in individuals with eating disorders. I'm taking life into my own hands.
For any of you reading this blog I highly recommend reading "Life Without Ed" and "Goodbye Ed, Hello me" both by Jenni Schaefer. They are incredibly inspiring books! I read a few small sections every night (each chapter is broken down into two to three page sections) and it helps a lot. She's got some great advice. And some harsh reality stuff. Anyway, you should read them.
I'll do what I can to get back on here from time to time and update you all. Assuming you haven't stopped checking for updates. But I'm not even going to get your hopes up with a false promise to try and be on here more often. I'll come on when I can and feel up to it.
For now, goodbye and thank you. Keep fighting! Recovery is an option..
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I'm trying to get on here more often but life has been so hectic!! I just finished a production of Dracula here at school. It was my senior research project and my final show here before I graduate in May. So crazy... There were lots of tears.. It was an absolutely phenomenal show though and i'm so happy I got to take part in it.
"Recovery" is going well.. I saw a dietitian who set up some guidelines for me. For starters: breakfast...every morning.... Gah!!! AND lunch and dinner.. So much food. But I can do this. I have a Greek yogurt and a glass of milk every morning. I need to include more calcium and protein in my diet as well. But for the most part I get to make my own food decisions and use her guidelines to help my choices. I also got some blood work done. Everything's normal :D Thank goodness. I was worried.
Haven't cut in like two weeks which is awesome. I've had the urge but I've managed to resist. Carole, my therapist up here, has given me some good advice on how to make the feelings pass. And reading the book "Life Without Ed" has helped tremendously. I've just started her other book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" which is also really good. And of course Ellen has been amazing through this whole process. I would be completely lost without her
"Recovery" is going well.. I saw a dietitian who set up some guidelines for me. For starters: breakfast...every morning.... Gah!!! AND lunch and dinner.. So much food. But I can do this. I have a Greek yogurt and a glass of milk every morning. I need to include more calcium and protein in my diet as well. But for the most part I get to make my own food decisions and use her guidelines to help my choices. I also got some blood work done. Everything's normal :D Thank goodness. I was worried.
Haven't cut in like two weeks which is awesome. I've had the urge but I've managed to resist. Carole, my therapist up here, has given me some good advice on how to make the feelings pass. And reading the book "Life Without Ed" has helped tremendously. I've just started her other book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" which is also really good. And of course Ellen has been amazing through this whole process. I would be completely lost without her
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I don't think I can do this whole recovery thing... It's so difficult!! I cry myself to sleep every night. Though that isn't really much of a change. But I just don't want to eat. And keeping myself from self-harm is difficult. I just don't know.... I have another therapy appointment tomorrow so I'll talk with her about all of this. That's also awkward... Talking to people. Oh well... I can do this. Just keep pushing.
Friday, February 1, 2013
I haven't been on here in seemingly forever... I'm trying this whole recovery thing... Therapy, recovery journal, support systems, everything. It's the hardest thing I've ever done... I'm reading a book called "Life Without Ed" that is incredible. Definitely helpful.
Problem...idk if I can actually do this. Ana constantly screams at me. Telling me I'm not good enough, thin enough. I'm worthless, stupid, fat.. We'll see how this goes...
Problem...idk if I can actually do this. Ana constantly screams at me. Telling me I'm not good enough, thin enough. I'm worthless, stupid, fat.. We'll see how this goes...
Saturday, January 19, 2013
So it's official. I'm an awful friend. I think I expect way too much all the time. From everyone... I don't even do it on purpose. But I don't know why anyone would stay friends with me for a long portion of time... I definitely don't treat my friends well.
I cry myself to sleep every night. Without fail. How is that fair to Ellen? Who has to lay with me every night? Exactly. It's not. What kind of friend does that to someone? Me apparently. I don't think it's fair that she has to constantly worry about how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Her life could be so much easier. Going to sleep at normal times, not watching as I cry on the bathroom floor because of the conversation going on in my head. I don't think there is any benefit for her in this friendship. I can't believe I'm selfish enough to do this to her... Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stop this pain for her. I'll have the guts to just quit everything. Make the hurt and the pain stop. And stop treating my friends this way... Because I know they don't deserve it...
I cry myself to sleep every night. Without fail. How is that fair to Ellen? Who has to lay with me every night? Exactly. It's not. What kind of friend does that to someone? Me apparently. I don't think it's fair that she has to constantly worry about how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Her life could be so much easier. Going to sleep at normal times, not watching as I cry on the bathroom floor because of the conversation going on in my head. I don't think there is any benefit for her in this friendship. I can't believe I'm selfish enough to do this to her... Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stop this pain for her. I'll have the guts to just quit everything. Make the hurt and the pain stop. And stop treating my friends this way... Because I know they don't deserve it...
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday... I guess I'm going to discuss everything. This whole "eating disorder" the cutting the wanting to kill myself... But what if she doesn't believe me? I'm terrified to talk to her... I'm not even underweight. How can you get help for an eating disorder when you could stand to lose a few pounds? Ughhh. I don't even know why I'm going...
Also, I'm an awful friend. I keep dragging Ellen into this whole situation and it's not fair to her. I'm going to keep telling her I hate myself and she's going to keep telling me not to. What if that makes her think I don't trust her? Or I don't value her opinion? That's not the case at all and I can't stand to think she might believe that... Her brother told her that if he were me, he wouldn't be friends with her. Who would say that? He knows nothing about our friendship. Really it's the other way around. I can't understand why she's still friends with me. After everything I've put her through. And continue to put her through. I just need to stop bringing her into this. She deserves better than that. She deserves a better friend.
And I cut again. It felt so good. There was no trying to stop it, no reaching out for help to push through it. I felt the urge and gave in. I cut and let the blood flow. What a beautiful sight. To see the scarlet red drip down my pale skin. I wanted it so badly. And I let myself enjoy it
Also, I'm an awful friend. I keep dragging Ellen into this whole situation and it's not fair to her. I'm going to keep telling her I hate myself and she's going to keep telling me not to. What if that makes her think I don't trust her? Or I don't value her opinion? That's not the case at all and I can't stand to think she might believe that... Her brother told her that if he were me, he wouldn't be friends with her. Who would say that? He knows nothing about our friendship. Really it's the other way around. I can't understand why she's still friends with me. After everything I've put her through. And continue to put her through. I just need to stop bringing her into this. She deserves better than that. She deserves a better friend.
And I cut again. It felt so good. There was no trying to stop it, no reaching out for help to push through it. I felt the urge and gave in. I cut and let the blood flow. What a beautiful sight. To see the scarlet red drip down my pale skin. I wanted it so badly. And I let myself enjoy it
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas everyone!
And a very Merry Christmas indeed! I got some really great gifts from my family, they loved the hand knit gifts I made them, and I got to spend quality time with everyone. It was really very pleasant.
I'm also pretty sure I've lost weight! Though I don't really know since there is no scale here....but I will be reunited with my scale soon! And, for now, I feel smaller. My gutt doesn't seem as hideous and I just feel tinier. I wonder how much I weigh...
And a very Merry Christmas indeed! I got some really great gifts from my family, they loved the hand knit gifts I made them, and I got to spend quality time with everyone. It was really very pleasant.
I'm also pretty sure I've lost weight! Though I don't really know since there is no scale here....but I will be reunited with my scale soon! And, for now, I feel smaller. My gutt doesn't seem as hideous and I just feel tinier. I wonder how much I weigh...
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Unveiled Secrets
It's official: Ellen has access to this blog. I sent her the link last night. At first I was hesitant. This is the one place that is completely my own. It holds all my thoughts and feelings and secrets. So personal. But then I thought...what do I keep from her? Nothing. There isn't anything I don't want her to know if she's willing to listen. So there you have it. I guess this means she can read it at her leisure... I've told her I am going to continue to write on here as if she wasn't reading. I don't want this blog to change at all.
I picked my brother up from his exam today! I love doing that. My brother, Wes, is 17. Which makes him 4 years younger than me, though we are 5 school years apart. Regrettably we aren't very close. We hang out occasionally when I'm home but we know practically nothing about each other. He had no idea I had seen a psychiatrist until I told him over Thanksgiving break. And he has no idea why I went. I wish we were close. That's what family is supposed to be...right? People you can tell everything to. That will always be there. I don't know. My family isn't very open like that. We don't talk about anything. But I got to spend some time with Wes today. We hung out for about an hour after we got home and it was really nice. Then he left to meet some friends for lunch... So I stayed home and watched TV and crafted. I don't hang out with anyone here really. Of course I have Amy, Laura, and Emilie but for some reason we don't really hang out. I think we're friends because we're supposed to be since we were before we all left for college. I do love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but it's different. We don't hang out like we used to. Hardly at all really. I'll be happy to go back up to school and see my friends again.
So I realized that I never really talk about anything positive on here. Let me change that! Today I found out that I got an A+ on my Senior Research!!! I am so incredibly happy!! And actually proud of myself. I can't believe I did it! And with an A+ :D There is nothing negative I can say and am 100% happy and proud about it.
I also just took a bath! I love taking baths. They're so soothing. Of course now my skin is all red, haha. I take extremely hot baths most of the time. To the point where touching the water turns your skin red. But it doesn't hurt, it just feels relaxing. Either I have sensitive skin or a high pain tolerance. Or both. No matter. I love them none the less.
On to eating... Goodness. Yogurt parfait for lunch (mixed berry yogurt, blackberries, special k cereal), and some lo mein for dinner. And then ice cream later on. Too much food.... But, there's no way I could get away with eating less. I don't think my mom cares much. She asks what I eat, I tell her, and that's the end of it. Funny how she always has something to say when she thinks I'm eating too much or not healthy enough. We ordered Chinese the other night and got wonton soup, lo mein, egg rolls, and white rice. I didn't have any egg rolls because they tasted funny. But I had everything else. Of course my mom decided to tell me I was consuming way to many carbs for one meal and should stop. So I did. I'm not going to fight her on it, she's right. Rice and lo mein? Stick to one. But it should be the same portion size as if I was having both. Better make it a little less to be on the safe side. And that's how meals go when I'm home. No wonder I constantly worry about portion sizes and what I'm eating. Thankfully she hasn't touched my stomach yet. She's done it before. After we had lunch together one day she pat my stomach to show me it was too big. Of course she's right, I am too big. She's my mother, it's her job to tell me when I need to lose weight. So if I see it and my mom sees it, how come no one else does?
I picked my brother up from his exam today! I love doing that. My brother, Wes, is 17. Which makes him 4 years younger than me, though we are 5 school years apart. Regrettably we aren't very close. We hang out occasionally when I'm home but we know practically nothing about each other. He had no idea I had seen a psychiatrist until I told him over Thanksgiving break. And he has no idea why I went. I wish we were close. That's what family is supposed to be...right? People you can tell everything to. That will always be there. I don't know. My family isn't very open like that. We don't talk about anything. But I got to spend some time with Wes today. We hung out for about an hour after we got home and it was really nice. Then he left to meet some friends for lunch... So I stayed home and watched TV and crafted. I don't hang out with anyone here really. Of course I have Amy, Laura, and Emilie but for some reason we don't really hang out. I think we're friends because we're supposed to be since we were before we all left for college. I do love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but it's different. We don't hang out like we used to. Hardly at all really. I'll be happy to go back up to school and see my friends again.
So I realized that I never really talk about anything positive on here. Let me change that! Today I found out that I got an A+ on my Senior Research!!! I am so incredibly happy!! And actually proud of myself. I can't believe I did it! And with an A+ :D There is nothing negative I can say and am 100% happy and proud about it.
I also just took a bath! I love taking baths. They're so soothing. Of course now my skin is all red, haha. I take extremely hot baths most of the time. To the point where touching the water turns your skin red. But it doesn't hurt, it just feels relaxing. Either I have sensitive skin or a high pain tolerance. Or both. No matter. I love them none the less.
On to eating... Goodness. Yogurt parfait for lunch (mixed berry yogurt, blackberries, special k cereal), and some lo mein for dinner. And then ice cream later on. Too much food.... But, there's no way I could get away with eating less. I don't think my mom cares much. She asks what I eat, I tell her, and that's the end of it. Funny how she always has something to say when she thinks I'm eating too much or not healthy enough. We ordered Chinese the other night and got wonton soup, lo mein, egg rolls, and white rice. I didn't have any egg rolls because they tasted funny. But I had everything else. Of course my mom decided to tell me I was consuming way to many carbs for one meal and should stop. So I did. I'm not going to fight her on it, she's right. Rice and lo mein? Stick to one. But it should be the same portion size as if I was having both. Better make it a little less to be on the safe side. And that's how meals go when I'm home. No wonder I constantly worry about portion sizes and what I'm eating. Thankfully she hasn't touched my stomach yet. She's done it before. After we had lunch together one day she pat my stomach to show me it was too big. Of course she's right, I am too big. She's my mother, it's her job to tell me when I need to lose weight. So if I see it and my mom sees it, how come no one else does?
Friday, December 21, 2012
Stick to the Devil you Know
So I cut last night... Go figure. Right by my left hip bone. I needed it. I needed that release - the pain. The reminder that I am alive and life is painful. I was just wishing I was dead.... I don't really understand why I'm alive. What is the point in it? I mean really... Is there an actual point to living? It all seems so pointless. We are keeping ourselves busy for no reason. I don't get it. But, then again, death scares me. Which I suppose is the reason I've never had the guts to kill myself. They say you should stick to the Devil you know. I guess that's why.
Anyway I'm miserable. I'm home for the break, away from my apartment, away from school, away from everything. Most people are thrilled for the break. I just have so much free time which gives me too much time to think and dwell. And being back home again makes me feel less independent. Constantly checking in with my mom when I want to do something or go somewhere. It's not like that at school, I'm completely in charge of my own life and I don't need to update anyone. And Ellen isn't here.... That's been hard. Really hard actually... I guess I never realized how codependent we are. I don't even know if it's really codependence or if it's just me depending on her. Either way she's a huge part of my life and an amazing support system and I need her.... Thank goodness we live in the age of technology because if I didn't have her talking to me until 4am who knows what I would have done. I went on my rant about the point of life and how I wish I was dead and she talked me through it and helped me tremendously. She is such an incredible person and I don't know what I'd do without her. She's my little and my best friend.. I just wish she could be here.
Mostly everything just sucks right now. I have no desire to eat or doing anything. I've just been feeling gloomy... Yesterday didn't eat till dinner and all I ate then was half a can of Progresso soup. Today I didn't eat till dinner again and I had some left over vegetable lo mein and cheese and crackers. I wouldn't have even eaten that had Ellen not insisted I eat dinner.. There's no scale in my house. I don't know if my mom got rid of it or is hiding it but I hate not being able to weigh myself. But really I just feel fat and have no appetite.
I'm so confused. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I don't know what I want or what I'm thinking. I want to weigh 115, and I don't care how I accomplish that. I like not eating. I feel so powerful and beautiful when I'm not eating. But no one seems to understand that... Yes, I would be heartbroken if someone I knew was doing this, but that's different. I don't care. I don't want recovery for this. Now the cutting I have mixed feelings on. The only reason I want to stop is because of the scaring. I love the cuts and watching them bleed and feeling the pain. But explaining the scars isn't easy. So I just don't know what I should do. I guess I should go back to Dr. Carreno and talk to her about it. The funny thing is I'm still taking Sertraline. Clearly that's working wonders for my psychological issues. Oh well.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Silence the daemons screaming "you're not good enough! you never have been!!" Try to drown the voices yelling "no one cares about you, just kill yourself already!" Fight the urge to cut. The urge to see the blood. The urge to hurt on the outside as much as I do on the inside. "you're such a baby! grow up and learn to deal with life. or just end it."
Nothing even happened... I hate that I feel this way over nothing! Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great. I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social. And all of a sudden it all turned. Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place... What is wrong with me? Apparently everything... I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me. It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do. I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid... Gahhh I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong. Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me. Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth. I don't know... I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way. But I don't think there is. Probably because it's the truth. I don't deserve to have friends. I don't deserve to be here...
Nothing even happened... I hate that I feel this way over nothing! Tonight was the Christmas Party in my apartment and everything was going great. I was having so much fun, talking with everyone, being social. And all of a sudden it all turned. Suddenly I felt so uncomfortable and out of place... What is wrong with me? Apparently everything... I can't hang out in a group without the overwhelming feeling that no one likes me. It's so incredibly powerful and overwhelming and there's nothing I can do. I can't even talk to Ellen or something about it because on one hand I feel like she doesn't want me around and on the other hand part of me knows i'm being stupid... Gahhh I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want to cry but Ellen is here and I don't want her to think anything is wrong. Mostly because the reason I'm upset is because I feel like she doesn't want to be around me. Like I'm a burden and more work than it's worth. I don't know... I just wish there was a way to stop feeling this way. But I don't think there is. Probably because it's the truth. I don't deserve to have friends. I don't deserve to be here...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Liebster Blog Award
Wow! I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Judith Marie! I'm pretty excited :D It's been a really rough week... Before I get into the details of the award, I wanted to let you all know that my Grandpa passed away two nights ago... I haven't seen him since the beginning of August and I miss him so much!! I wish I had gotten the chance to see him one last time... But, I know he's in a better place free of the emphysema. So at least he doesn't have to suffer through that anymore! I love Grandpa!!
Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them
Hi everyone! My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name. But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty. I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!! I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn. I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes. I think they are the most attractive thing about someone
Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness... It would be incredibly different. I would spend everyday thinking about food. Weighing myself 3+ times each day. I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs. But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love. Life without an ED would be great! Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming. Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first. Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake. I think life would be happier...
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration. Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures. It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to. If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal. After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs. But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.
3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult. I love my dresses! I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more. Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly. It also gives me something that is distinctly mine. People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.
4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy! So many options. Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations. In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe. Like London or somewhere in Italy. I've always wanted to travel to Europe.
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww.. There are a million body things I would change. But something not related to my body... I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything. I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something. And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it. Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind. I just wish I didn't get upset over everything. And overthink everything.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm. Sometimes it gets really bad. Close to suicidal. Definitely a problem...
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually. Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin. I always was growing up. So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it. Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out. Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal." And I didn't like that. I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like. It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old. I don't believe I would ever get another piercing. Though I won't say never because you never know. But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic. I don't have any tattoos. And I don't believe I would ever get one. Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere. Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet. Being an actress makes tattoos problematic. Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot. To those that don't know: hardly at all. It definitely hurts those that know about it. Which I feel terrible about... They don't want to see me go through this. And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult. In those moments when I want recovery. I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that. It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery. Because I fight them on eating. So to those that know...I am truly sorry! I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball! Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.
11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom! That is literally all I want.
My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)
My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?
Now on to the Liebster Blog Award!
The Rules:
In your next blog post...
1. Thank the person/people who nominated you & include a link to their blog
2. Include 11 things about yourself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers
5. Create 11 questions for them to answer
6. Let them know you nominated them
Hi everyone! My name is Corley.
I don't think I've ever revealed my real name. But that's it!
1. I love to knit/crochet/sew/do anything crafty. I own a small crafting business called Crafted by Corley (check it out on facebook).
2. I absolutely love children!! I cannot wait to be a mother
3. My passion is acting and I hope to one day turn it in to a career
4. I have an obsession with popcorn. I don't know why but I love it and eat it all the time!
5. I love to take baths
6. My favorite TV shows are Law and Order SVU and Dexter
7. I don't particularly enjoy watching movies but will if other people want me to
8. I love reading and can easily lose myself in a book
9. I really wish I could play Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies but couldn't audition because I'm not British :(
10. My favorite singer is Taylor Swift and I find her incredibly inspiring
11. The first thing I notice about someone is their eyes. I think they are the most attractive thing about someone
Questions from Judith Marite :)
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
Goodness... It would be incredibly different. I would spend everyday thinking about food. Weighing myself 3+ times each day. I also wouldn't cry because I think I'm too fat at 5'8" and 130lbs. But most of all I wouldn't be hurting the people I love. Life without an ED would be great! Going to buffets and not worrying about how many calories I was consuming. Birthday's and other holidays where I don't care if I grab a second helping of dessert, let alone a first. Memories that involve the people and the activities, not my guilt and food intake. I think life would be happier...
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why
Thinspiration. Though I'm more motivated by quotes and passages, not pictures. It's more motivating to see a picture of someone who is my ideal size, it gives me something to look forward to. If I look at something I'm trying to avoid it's a lot harder to convince myself not to eat a meal. After all, one meal won't make me 500lbs. But skipping that meal gets me closer 110.
3. Favorite item of clothing?
Hmmm that's difficult. I love my dresses! I feel like if I have a pretty, girly wardrobe, people will like me more. Like it makes up for the fact I'm fat and ugly. It also gives me something that is distinctly mine. People always comment on my dresses and hairbows, they know it's my thing.
4. What is your dream holiday?
Oh boy! So many options. Wait...I just realized you could be talking about vacations. In which case I would want to go somewhere in Europe. Like London or somewhere in Italy. I've always wanted to travel to Europe.
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
Woww.. There are a million body things I would change. But something not related to my body... I would probably change the fact that I am overly sensitive and over think everything. I'm really bad when it comes to dwelling on something. And when people make jokes I get offended, even though I know they don't mean it. Probably because I think it about myself so it's partly true in my mind. I just wish I didn't get upset over everything. And overthink everything.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
Self harm. Sometimes it gets really bad. Close to suicidal. Definitely a problem...
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
Not a lot actually. Mostly it was people always expecting me to be extremely thin. I always was growing up. So constantly being told how thin I was and people being jealous of that is what really triggered it. Especially once puberty hit and I started filling out. Then I was still called thin but not as often, I was more "normal." And I didn't like that. I wanted to be the one people complimented on being really thin, the one people wanted to be like. It had nothing to do with the media or fashion industry or anything.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?
I have the two ear piercings that I've had since I was 6 months old. I don't believe I would ever get another piercing. Though I won't say never because you never know. But I have a legitimate phobia of needles and have really bad panic attacks around them so that would be problematic. I don't have any tattoos. And I don't believe I would ever get one. Though if I ever did I would want a white ink ED recovery symbol somewhere. Though I think it's better to just get a necklace or bracelet. Being an actress makes tattoos problematic. Plus the whole thing of my needle phobia.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
To those that know about it: a lot. To those that don't know: hardly at all. It definitely hurts those that know about it. Which I feel terrible about... They don't want to see me go through this. And when someone knows, I lean on them when things get difficult. In those moments when I want recovery. I cry and cling to Ellen when she spends the night and I know it kills her to see me like that. It also causes some tension when I don't want recovery. Because I fight them on eating. So to those that know...I am truly sorry! I know it hurts you but you have to understand it's killing me....
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
Spaghetti with meat sauce and a meatball! Made with ground pork and ground turkey instead of beef.
11. What is top of your bucket list?
Be a mom! That is literally all I want.
My nominations:
I am not choosing 11, I will just choose a few.
1. Ell
2. Christina
3. AnnaWrecksic
5. Judith Marie (I wanted to nominate you as well)
My Questions:
1. What would your ideal day be if you didn't have an ED?
2. What was the moment you realized you had an ED?
3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. If you could ask someone anything and they had to be 100% honest with you, who and what would you ask?
6. If you could tell someone anything without fear of judgement, who and what would you tell?
7. Describe a time when you were truly, unquestioningly happy.
8. If your house was burning down and you had time to save one thing, what would it be and why?
9. How has having an ED affected you?
10. How many people know about your ED?
11. Given the choice, would you choose recovery or your goal weight?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dead Scale
So last night I stepped on my scale: 130.2! I'm getting better :D Losing weight! Yes!!
I wake up this morning and remember the numbers: 130.2 Closer to my goal. Closer to perfect. Rubbing my eyes I shuffle to the bathroom. I'm not fully awake but I need to know. Tap the edge of the scale and wait for it to wake from it's own slumber. ... Nothing ... Tap it again. ... Still nothing ... Panic begins to set in. Someone must have taken the battery. They don't want me to weigh myself anymore! Sabotage!! Quick, grab the scale and flip it over. The battery flings itself to the floor. Okay..it just came undone. Stuff it back in, close the backing, and set it on the floor again. Tap the edge. ... Nothing ... Crap, the battery is dead... No weighing myself this morning. Am I still 130.2? Doubtful... I could have gained at least 2lbs over night. Guess I'll never know... Guess this is just a peak into what the rest of the day will hold.
I wake up this morning and remember the numbers: 130.2 Closer to my goal. Closer to perfect. Rubbing my eyes I shuffle to the bathroom. I'm not fully awake but I need to know. Tap the edge of the scale and wait for it to wake from it's own slumber. ... Nothing ... Tap it again. ... Still nothing ... Panic begins to set in. Someone must have taken the battery. They don't want me to weigh myself anymore! Sabotage!! Quick, grab the scale and flip it over. The battery flings itself to the floor. Okay..it just came undone. Stuff it back in, close the backing, and set it on the floor again. Tap the edge. ... Nothing ... Crap, the battery is dead... No weighing myself this morning. Am I still 130.2? Doubtful... I could have gained at least 2lbs over night. Guess I'll never know... Guess this is just a peak into what the rest of the day will hold.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
I don't understand societal views of eating disorders... I don't think I ever will. Think of all the celebrities that have received so much negative attention and nasty rumors because it is discovered they have an eating disorder. And if society feels that way about celebrities...just think of how they feel about everyone else. Having an eating disorder is not a choice! I did not wake up one morning and decide "I'm bored...you know what would be fun? I'm gonna hate my body, let the mirror dictate my life, work out until I feel like I'm gonna fall over, starve myself to the point where standing up makes me feel like I'm going to pass out.. Yea, that's how I'm gonna spend my time."
Absolutely not! I cannot tell you how this started, or even why or when. All I know is that I struggle with it every single day of my life. I wake up wondering who will win today: me or the anorexia. I go to sleep knowing I either won or lost. Knowing that tomorrow I will wake up and fight the battle all over again.
I was thinking about this today for some reason. I was looking at a picture of a celebrity who had an eating disorder and remembering how much drama surrounded it. No one felt sorry or concerned really. It was all negative...like she had done this to herself. And it made me realize why I could never confide in someone that I have an eating disorder. Because of the negative attention it gains... And that's just not right...
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Whatever it Takes
I have not weighed myself in two days and it's driving me insane!! But I'm in Minnesota at my Aunt/Grandparent's house and I have no idea where to find a scale... On Saturday I'll be home and there will be a scale. But then Sunday I will have my scale back and all will be well :D I can't wait.
I just want to lose. I keep going back and forth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin again. And right now I just want to be thin. My cousin, 17 year old boy, is about 6'0" and weighs 135lbs. I am 5'8" and fluctuate between 130 and 133. Not okay with me. I need to lose a lot more than I thought. I was aiming for 125 but I just need to get to 120. Ideally I'd love to be 115 but we'll see. I just need to get there! Somehow. Whatever it takes.
I just want to lose. I keep going back and forth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin again. And right now I just want to be thin. My cousin, 17 year old boy, is about 6'0" and weighs 135lbs. I am 5'8" and fluctuate between 130 and 133. Not okay with me. I need to lose a lot more than I thought. I was aiming for 125 but I just need to get to 120. Ideally I'd love to be 115 but we'll see. I just need to get there! Somehow. Whatever it takes.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thanksgiving Break
*Sigh*
I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days. Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening. Then it's back to school Sunday. What a welcome home it's been. I was eating dinner with my mom. She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen. I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting" I looked up and just stared. She knows what I've been through. Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still! I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say. To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?" So I put my fork down and stopped eating. ... For real?? Ughhh.... Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal." Well f*** that. Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.
I texted Ellen about it. She's been a huge support system for me. Which I feel bad about... I hate what it's doing to her. I can tell it makes her upset. And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her. I have absolutely no idea... And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out. I just want to know what's going through her head. I talked to her about that the other day. I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it. She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for. Nothing negative. She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts). Not gonna lie that hurt a bit. I know she didn't mean it in a negative way. But...I don't know. It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life. But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.
I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home. I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting. I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying. But I'm still nervous. She wasn't talkative though... I'm not sure why. Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about. Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Or maybe it's too painful for her. I have no idea.. I just wish she would confide me! I'm throwing everything at her. Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words. I tell her everything. I just want a piece of that in return.... Maybe that's too much to ask?
Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today. She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)" The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Be more, not less!"
I'm home for Thanksgiving break for the next 5 days. Well, home for tonight then off to Minnesota till Saturday, and back home Saturday evening. Then it's back to school Sunday. What a welcome home it's been. I was eating dinner with my mom. She picked us up some Chicken Kitchen. I was eating my chicken and brown rice when she looks at me and says "You know that's more rice than a person should eat in one sitting" I looked up and just stared. She knows what I've been through. Granted she doesn't know I'm still struggling with it but still! I said "but it tastes good"...I was utterly shocked and didn't know what else to say. To which she responded "You do you know what a serving size of rice is, right?" So I put my fork down and stopped eating. ... For real?? Ughhh.... Just when I thought I was on the right track to being "normal." Well f*** that. Clearly my mother thinks I eat too much.
I texted Ellen about it. She's been a huge support system for me. Which I feel bad about... I hate what it's doing to her. I can tell it makes her upset. And I'm scared to death that it's triggering something in her. I have absolutely no idea... And she doesn't talk to me about anything so I have no way of figuring it out. I just want to know what's going through her head. I talked to her about that the other day. I asked her if she ever thought it was inconvenient timing or wished she didn't have to deal with it. She was incredibly honest which I am very grateful for. Nothing negative. She said maybe it was bad timing for Cassie during Tech weekend (the weekend things were really bad for me, cutting and suicidal thoughts). Not gonna lie that hurt a bit. I know she didn't mean it in a negative way. But...I don't know. It's pretty inconvenient for me as well seeing as I was thinking of ending my life. But I understand what she meant and in no way was it meant in a negative "you're being selfish" kind of way.
I tried confiding in her last night that I was scared to go home. I'm scared because she's not here to hold me when I'm crying or stop me from cutting. I know I'm a big girl and should be able to get through all of this on my own, and I'm trying. But I'm still nervous. She wasn't talkative though... I'm not sure why. Maybe she's going through something that she won't tell me about. Maybe she's sick of hearing me talk about these things. Maybe she just didn't know what to say. Or maybe it's too painful for her. I have no idea.. I just wish she would confide me! I'm throwing everything at her. Literally my whole life, regardless of how difficult it is for me to say the words. I tell her everything. I just want a piece of that in return.... Maybe that's too much to ask?
Before I end this post I want to share something Ellen sent me today. She sent a picture text and wrote "Love ya beautiful big!!! :)" The picture said:
"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Be more, not less!"
Friday, November 2, 2012
Never Alone
Practically every night since Friday (the night I cut myself) I have not slept alone. That night Ellen came over, the next night was the ibuprofin night and Ellen and Cassie came over. Then Sunday night Ellen and Cassie were in my apartment working on homework and, though they didn't stay over, they didn't leave until 4:00am and I went to sleep at 2:00am. And that's the last night I've slept alone, Ellen and Cassie have been staying with me. And now it's Friday again.
I love having them spend the night! But...I feel awful. Because I know why they're doing it. They never spent the night this much before. Although it was often, it wasn't this often. I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself. And it makes me feel terrible. Because I don't want them to stay for that reason. I don't want to interrupt their lives. Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating. I feel like such a burden now. They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.
I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this. But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...
Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight. Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true. I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day. Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot. Which is absolutely true! But she didn't have to remind me... I just want to lose this gross fat. A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face. Yes yes. I should appreciate that they care about me. And I do! But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...
Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me. Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me? Does that mean I'm doing this for attention? No! But that terrifies me. That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me. But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people? My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her... And now I can't get that out of my head. So sometimes I believe it myself. That I'm being dumb and an attention whore. But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.
I love having them spend the night! But...I feel awful. Because I know why they're doing it. They never spent the night this much before. Although it was often, it wasn't this often. I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself. And it makes me feel terrible. Because I don't want them to stay for that reason. I don't want to interrupt their lives. Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating. I feel like such a burden now. They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.
I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this. But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...
Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight. Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true. I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day. Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot. Which is absolutely true! But she didn't have to remind me... I just want to lose this gross fat. A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face. Yes yes. I should appreciate that they care about me. And I do! But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...
Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me. Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me? Does that mean I'm doing this for attention? No! But that terrifies me. That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me. But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people? My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her... And now I can't get that out of my head. So sometimes I believe it myself. That I'm being dumb and an attention whore. But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Littles to the Resuce
The only reason I'm writing now is to say I'm alive. I started popping ibuprofine after my last post. I made it to 8 before Ellen came over. She brought Cassie, my other little, with her. The got to my apartment and sat with me in my room for about a minute. I could tell Ellen had been crying... She was in her room and we were texting and I was telling her I was upset. And I was talking to her about how things were just pointless and I didn't know what to do and she said, "Big should I come over?" I told her she didn't have to. I felt bad making her come over... And she insisted on coming over anyway. So she texted me saying "Don't do anything before I get there" No response. She texted again "Pleeeeaasseee" So I said I wasn't cutting and that I wasn't doing anything right then. And she asked what I had done before and I told her I took 8 ibuprofin tablets. So that's why she was crying... because of me... I felt awful!
Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up. Which I tried, I really did. But nothing came up. Cassie was in the bathroom briefly. But most of the time she spent in my room. I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either. Though that's just the way she handles things. I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot. Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who. But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital. Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything. So of course I didn't need to go. So I gave up trying to throw up.
I'm sure I was a site to see... Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back. And then I just started crying. Sobbing actually. And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me. It was the most touching experience. I felt awful that I was putting her through this... She just held me like she didn't want to lose me. How could I be so selfish?
The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried. It was nice to have them there.... I desperately needed them. They spent the night which was nice as well.
I apologized to them both. Which they both said was unnecessary. But I feel awful... It's not fair to them for me to put them through this. They shouldn't have to deal with it. These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them. Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone. Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me. I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."
Once they were inside Ellen told me I needed to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw it up. Which I tried, I really did. But nothing came up. Cassie was in the bathroom briefly. But most of the time she spent in my room. I'm pretty sure she didn't cry at all either. Though that's just the way she handles things. I know it's not because she doesn't care, cause I know she cares a lot. Cassie called someone, though I'm not sure who. But I think she was calling to see if I needed to be taken to a hospital. Well 8 pills aren't going to do anything. So of course I didn't need to go. So I gave up trying to throw up.
I'm sure I was a site to see... Me sitting by the toilet with my fingers down my throat, Ellen rubbing my back. And then I just started crying. Sobbing actually. And Ellen wrapped her arms around my waist and cried with me. It was the most touching experience. I felt awful that I was putting her through this... She just held me like she didn't want to lose me. How could I be so selfish?
The whole night consisted of spurts of silence, spurts of small chatter, and spurts of Ellen holding me while we both cried. It was nice to have them there.... I desperately needed them. They spent the night which was nice as well.
I apologized to them both. Which they both said was unnecessary. But I feel awful... It's not fair to them for me to put them through this. They shouldn't have to deal with it. These are my issues and I need to learn to cope with them. Ellen keeps telling me she wants to be there for me and I don't have to go through this alone. Today I found a quote which I shared with Ellen that describes exactly what she was telling me:
"If you need me, call me. I don't care if I'm sleeping, if I'm having my own problems, or if I'm angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I'll always be there for you. No matter how big or small your problem is, I'll be there."
I just want to end my life. Take a bottle of pills and swallow them all. Then wait for them to hit and kill me. Last night I had the same thought, but wanted to slit my wrists. Which I did but not deep enough to do much damage. Just blood.
But I'm sitting here wondering what would happen if I took the rest of my sertraline pills tonight... Or took all 50 tablets of ibuprofen. It could work... No one is here. No one can stop me. No one but myself. So here's the question: do I have the guts?
But I'm sitting here wondering what would happen if I took the rest of my sertraline pills tonight... Or took all 50 tablets of ibuprofen. It could work... No one is here. No one can stop me. No one but myself. So here's the question: do I have the guts?
Friday, October 26, 2012
Am I Broken?
Judith Marie! Thank you so much for commenting! It always brings me hope when I hear from you.
This morning I weighed 130. It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow. But I can't ever skip meals. And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym. Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.
Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing). I really love spending time with him. Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend. We'll see if that ever happens. Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself. But I can't. I'm too "old fashioned" for that. The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.
I think my meds aren't working so well anymore. Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here. The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it. So I'm stuck in a loop in my head. I don't know what to do... The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad. Depressed. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. The slightest thing triggers it. I want to cut so badly!! I just want the blood and the pain. But I don't want the scars. And that is keeping me away from razors. I've seriously been considering just bruising myself. Hitting myself with something or running into the wall. That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar. But I would be able to see a bruise.
I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently. Pretty bad ones. For no real reason either. So I don't know how to prevent them... I just text Ellen when they happen. That way I don't feel completely alone through it. I do the same thing during my spouts of depression. Text Ellen. Reach out and remind myself that she is always there. For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that. If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse. And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone. I wonder why it's different. And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me. My first reaction is to reach out to her. I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.
Why am I so fucked up? Surely I am broken... How else do you explain all of this?
This morning I weighed 130. It really sucks that this weight loss is going so flippin slow. But I can't ever skip meals. And my schedule has been so hectic I haven't been able to get to the gym. Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to make that happen.
Things are going so well with B (the guy I'm seeing). I really love spending time with him. Now I just want him to ask me to be his girlfriend. We'll see if that ever happens. Ellen thinks I should just ask him myself. But I can't. I'm too "old fashioned" for that. The guy is supposed to ask, not the girl.
I think my meds aren't working so well anymore. Logic tells me to e-mail the counseling center and find a psychiatrist around here. The depression tells me it's not worth it, I don't deserve it. So I'm stuck in a loop in my head. I don't know what to do... The past few days I've just been overwhelmingly sad. Depressed. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. The slightest thing triggers it. I want to cut so badly!! I just want the blood and the pain. But I don't want the scars. And that is keeping me away from razors. I've seriously been considering just bruising myself. Hitting myself with something or running into the wall. That might have the same effect, and it wouldn't leave a scar. But I would be able to see a bruise.
I've also had a few anxiety attacks recently. Pretty bad ones. For no real reason either. So I don't know how to prevent them... I just text Ellen when they happen. That way I don't feel completely alone through it. I do the same thing during my spouts of depression. Text Ellen. Reach out and remind myself that she is always there. For some reason she's the only person I can reach out to like that. If anyone else tries to talk to me about it or help me through it, it just gets worse. And I retreat further into myself and want to be alone. I wonder why it's different. And it's not just that I let Ellen help me, I ask her to help me. My first reaction is to reach out to her. I just need that stability otherwise I'd go insane.
Why am I so fucked up? Surely I am broken... How else do you explain all of this?
Monday, October 22, 2012
At this rate I'll never be skinny
Gah. I just want to lose more weight and it's impossible. I'm never allowed to skip a meal, Ellen makes that impossible. I really do appreciate what she's doing. She cares enough about me to get and stay involved and not explode and get angry with me. But, at the same time, I wish I could get away with skipping meals. Eating lunch and dinner every single day is driving me crazy. I'm 131lbs right now and I want to be 125!! I seriously need to start exercising. That way I'll be burning more calories. I just hardly have time in my schedule. But I have to figure out something... at this rate I'll never be skinny
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