It's official: Ellen has access to this blog. I sent her the link last night. At first I was hesitant. This is the one place that is completely my own. It holds all my thoughts and feelings and secrets. So personal. But then I thought...what do I keep from her? Nothing. There isn't anything I don't want her to know if she's willing to listen. So there you have it. I guess this means she can read it at her leisure... I've told her I am going to continue to write on here as if she wasn't reading. I don't want this blog to change at all.
I picked my brother up from his exam today! I love doing that. My brother, Wes, is 17. Which makes him 4 years younger than me, though we are 5 school years apart. Regrettably we aren't very close. We hang out occasionally when I'm home but we know practically nothing about each other. He had no idea I had seen a psychiatrist until I told him over Thanksgiving break. And he has no idea why I went. I wish we were close. That's what family is supposed to be...right? People you can tell everything to. That will always be there. I don't know. My family isn't very open like that. We don't talk about anything. But I got to spend some time with Wes today. We hung out for about an hour after we got home and it was really nice. Then he left to meet some friends for lunch... So I stayed home and watched TV and crafted. I don't hang out with anyone here really. Of course I have Amy, Laura, and Emilie but for some reason we don't really hang out. I think we're friends because we're supposed to be since we were before we all left for college. I do love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but it's different. We don't hang out like we used to. Hardly at all really. I'll be happy to go back up to school and see my friends again.
So I realized that I never really talk about anything positive on here. Let me change that! Today I found out that I got an A+ on my Senior Research!!! I am so incredibly happy!! And actually proud of myself. I can't believe I did it! And with an A+ :D There is nothing negative I can say and am 100% happy and proud about it.
I also just took a bath! I love taking baths. They're so soothing. Of course now my skin is all red, haha. I take extremely hot baths most of the time. To the point where touching the water turns your skin red. But it doesn't hurt, it just feels relaxing. Either I have sensitive skin or a high pain tolerance. Or both. No matter. I love them none the less.
On to eating... Goodness. Yogurt parfait for lunch (mixed berry yogurt, blackberries, special k cereal), and some lo mein for dinner. And then ice cream later on. Too much food.... But, there's no way I could get away with eating less. I don't think my mom cares much. She asks what I eat, I tell her, and that's the end of it. Funny how she always has something to say when she thinks I'm eating too much or not healthy enough. We ordered Chinese the other night and got wonton soup, lo mein, egg rolls, and white rice. I didn't have any egg rolls because they tasted funny. But I had everything else. Of course my mom decided to tell me I was consuming way to many carbs for one meal and should stop. So I did. I'm not going to fight her on it, she's right. Rice and lo mein? Stick to one. But it should be the same portion size as if I was having both. Better make it a little less to be on the safe side. And that's how meals go when I'm home. No wonder I constantly worry about portion sizes and what I'm eating. Thankfully she hasn't touched my stomach yet. She's done it before. After we had lunch together one day she pat my stomach to show me it was too big. Of course she's right, I am too big. She's my mother, it's her job to tell me when I need to lose weight. So if I see it and my mom sees it, how come no one else does?
Whoa. Firstly, your mother. I don't even know what to say about that. I don't know how you handle it. If my mother was like that, I'd be verging on suicidal every day. It makes me realise that I'm quite lucky she's not like that. I'm pretty harsh on myself when it comes to eating, so if someone else starting tell me things like that, I'd die.
ReplyDeleteAnd secondly, your description about baths, have you read The Bell Jar? Just like her description of it! I love baths too. Just so soak, it somehow clears my head.
Good job on the grades, well done! What else needs to be said about that! You obviously work hard, and it's paid off, and yes, it's something you should be unconditionally proud of.
You know, I'm glad you have someone like Ellen who you can trust. I think it's brave of you to give her the link to this blog. Don't know if she would have eventually found it. She's helped you through so much, I think it would be really good for you to have her read this. And it gives me a bit less to worry about too. Honestly, when you talk about killing yourself, I get so worried. I'm a little relieved to know that someone who actually physically has access to you will be able to read it and stop you.