Never Alone

Practically every night since Friday (the night I cut myself) I have not slept alone.  That night Ellen came over, the next night was the ibuprofin night and Ellen and Cassie came over.  Then Sunday night Ellen and Cassie were in my apartment working on homework and, though they didn't stay over, they didn't leave until 4:00am and I went to sleep at 2:00am.  And that's the last night I've slept alone, Ellen and Cassie have been staying with me.  And now it's Friday again.

I love having them spend the night!  But...I feel awful.  Because I know why they're doing it.  They never spent the night this much before.  Although it was often, it wasn't this often.  I know it's just because they are scared I will cut or kill myself.  And it makes me feel terrible.  Because I don't want them to stay for that reason.  I don't want to interrupt their lives.  Last night they tried sleeping in jeans and a dress which was really frustrating.  I feel like such a burden now.  They keep assuring me I'm not a burden and I'm not interrupting their lives and they want to be with me but...I don't completely believe it.

I really am trying desperately to accept the help and lean on them to get through this.  But it's hard when I feel like I'm not important enough...

Today one of my roommates told me I look like I've lost weight.  Which was an amazing compliment!! But also not true.  I fluctuate between 129 and 131 depending on the day.  Then she proceeded to tell me I was thinner freshman year and whatnot.  Which is absolutely true!  But she didn't have to remind me...  I just want to lose this gross fat.  A very difficult thing to do when people are constantly shoving food in my face.  Yes yes.  I should appreciate that they care about me.  And I do!  But that doesn't mean I accept the fact I have this fat clinging to me...

Sometimes I wonder how much sertraline it would take to kill me.  Not that I want to kill myself really. Is it weird that I just want to be in a hospital where they control things for me?  Does that mean I'm doing this for attention?  No!  But that terrifies me.  That people think all of this is some ruse to get people to feel sorry for me.  But if that were true, wouldn't I make a bigger deal out of it and tell more people?  My mom asked if I was doing this for attention when I first told her...  And now I can't get that out of my head.  So sometimes I believe it myself.  That I'm being dumb and an attention whore.  But I know deep down that isn't why I do anything.