Stick to the Devil you Know

So I cut last night...  Go figure.  Right by my left hip bone.  I needed it.  I needed that release - the pain.  The reminder that I am alive and life is painful.  I was just wishing I was dead....  I don't really understand why I'm alive.  What is the point in it?  I mean really...  Is there an actual point to living?  It all seems so pointless.  We are keeping ourselves busy for no reason.  I don't get it.  But, then again, death scares me.  Which I suppose is the reason I've never had the guts to kill myself.  They say you should stick to the Devil you know.  I guess that's why.

Anyway I'm miserable.  I'm home for the break, away from my apartment, away from school, away from everything.  Most people are thrilled for the break.  I just have so much free time which gives me too much time to think and dwell.  And being back home again makes me feel less independent.  Constantly checking in with my mom when I want to do something or go somewhere.  It's not like that at school, I'm completely in charge of my own life and I don't need to update anyone.  And Ellen isn't here....  That's been hard.  Really hard actually...  I guess I never realized how codependent we are.  I don't even know if it's really codependence or if it's just me depending on her.  Either way she's a huge part of my life and an amazing support system and I need her....  Thank goodness we live in the age of technology because if I didn't have her talking to me until 4am who knows what I would have done.  I went on my rant about the point of life and how I wish I was dead and she talked me through it and helped me tremendously.  She is such an incredible person and I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's my little and my best friend..  I just wish she could be here.

Mostly everything just sucks right now.  I have no desire to eat or doing anything.  I've just been feeling gloomy...  Yesterday didn't eat till dinner and all I ate then was half a can of Progresso soup.  Today I didn't eat till dinner again and I had some left over vegetable lo mein and cheese and crackers.  I wouldn't have even eaten that had Ellen not insisted I eat dinner..  There's no scale in my house.  I don't know if my mom got rid of it or is hiding it but I hate not being able to weigh myself.  But really I just feel fat and have no appetite.

I'm so confused.  I can't keep my thoughts straight.  I don't know what I want or what I'm thinking.  I want to weigh 115, and I don't care how I accomplish that.  I like not eating.  I feel so powerful and beautiful when I'm not eating.  But no one seems to understand that...  Yes, I would be heartbroken if someone I knew was doing this, but that's different.  I don't care.  I don't want recovery for this.  Now the cutting I have mixed feelings on.  The only reason I want to stop is because of the scaring.  I love the cuts and watching them bleed and feeling the pain.  But explaining the scars isn't easy.  So I just don't know what I should do.  I guess I should go back to Dr. Carreno and talk to her about it.  The funny thing is I'm still taking Sertraline.  Clearly that's working wonders for my psychological issues.  Oh well.