Day 10: Christmas wish list
- Reach my goal weight, knitting supplies, strength to continue losing weight, clothing

Day 11: Tea or coffee?
- Definitely tea!! I don't like coffee and I love tea!  I don't think I can get through a day without it.  I drink all kinds: earl gray, green, english breakfast, chamomile, english afternoon, irish afternoon, basically everything!  I don't like lemon though.  I used to drink it with sugar and milk but started cutting back on the sugar and skipping the milk.


So much is going on right now . . .  How and when did life get so stressful?  And when did I become so unmotivated about school?  That's never been me.  I've always been hard working and motivated, never stopping.  And lately I've just been losing interest.  I think more and more about death.  I couldn't actually kill myself but I keep thinking about it.  Wondering what the point to all of this is.  Why am I in school?  Why does it matter?  Why do I need to live?  What's the point?  I promise I'm not suicidal.  I just don't understand where my head is right now . . .

Also, I started talking to Ryan again . . .  I don't think I've ever talked about him on here.  We met the summer before my sophomore year of college and he was just graduating.  He ended up moving to where I go to school to live with one of his best friends who was a senior when I was a sophomore.  We went on a couple dates and talked all the time.  And then, like I always, I freaked out.  He was getting to close and I wasn't comfortable with it so I started withdrawing.  Well, he didn't take that well at all and completely blew up on me.  We fought consistently for about two weeks where he would yell at me and tell me I was an awful person and blah blah blah.  Well, we finally stopped talking.  I was really upset after that situation.  At the time I didn't realize any of it was my fault and blamed it all on him being psycho.  Looking back on it I realize it had a lot to do with me and my insecurity with people getting too close.  Well, half a year later (end of my second semester sophomore year) I started to realize this and realized I missed his friendship.  He had since moved and got a job.  So we started texting and talking again.  Of course there was still an attraction there so we were very flirty and such.  Well, that summer, it ended in a blow up again.  We talked about how neither of us would ever do a long distance relationship and somehow things turned weird from there.   I'm not really sure what prompted it but he went crazy again and we stopped talking.

You think I'd have learned my lesson.  Nope.  We started talking again a couple weeks into this semester (first semester junior year).  He then asked if I would go to dinner with him if he came to visit.  I said I didn't think it was a good idea since neither of us want a long distance relationship and I knew that going to dinner would just complicate things.  He proceeded to tell me I was dumber than he thought and he should have seen it and I was the stupidest person he'd ever met.

Lesson learned?  Apparently not.  We are talking again.  Everything's on good terms and I really enjoy talking to him.  A few nights ago we were texting and for some reason he brought up my weight.  He wanted to guess how much I weighed and he guessed between 130 and 135.  Correct.  I asked him why he wanted to know and this is how the convo went from there:
Him: Just curiosity.  You're at the perfect weight really.  You got substance but it's tailored and trimmed
(little does he know I don't want that "substance."  I want emptiness)
Me: Thanks :)  I wouldn't say perfect but I'll take the compliment anyway
Him: Trust me your weight is highly ideal.  You may think you want to weigh less but you don't
Him: You prob would like to be more toned
Me: Lol.  Thanks
Him: Which means your weight is perfect :)

I just disagree completely . . .  But whatever.  He can think what he wants.  For now I want to reach 120 so I can reach 115 and take it from there.  I think my ultimate weight is probably 110.  But for now I want to get back down to 120.

Well this post is getting kind of long so I'll stop it here.  Thank you to everyone who reads and has been commenting on this posts!!  Judith Marie and Lolo =]