I can't believe Judith Marie got rid of her blog.... I was gone for so long that I completely missed it. I'm definitely going to miss having her on here. She was such a support through all of this.
Weight Update: I am officially 130.8 lbs I'm so excited about that! For now my goal is 125, then 120, then 115. I haven't decided if I want to stay at 115 or go down to 110. But, one step at a time. I have my sights set on 125 :D
Ellen is making it difficult... She has decided that she's not going to eat if I'm not eating. I love her to death and it pains me to think she would stop eating. She doesn't deserve that at all... So I eat so that she'll eat. Though I try to get away with eating as little as possible since it is also paining me to eat. I'm so conflicted! I know she's just trying to help because she cares about me. But I just wish she'd let me not eat. Not even completely stop, just eat very minimally. Like, an apple a day or something. Anyway, the road to weight loss will be slow since she's monitoring my food intake. And I've promised not to lie to her about anything. I will tell her if I'm not eating. Trust is a big thing for me and I just can't lose that.
My collar bones and hip bones are helping to motivate me! At 5'8" and 130.8 lbs they are slightly more noticeable than before. Not too much, no one should be alarmed yet. But I love them! And I can't wait to be able to see more of them. Is that bad? I don't think so.
I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose "too much" weight. Too many people that I'm close to know about my eating disorder and cutting so they are quick to jump on me if they think the slightest thing is going wrong. Especially since I'm trying to stop eating right now. Everything is pushing me to eat. What they don't seem to realize is it's not going to help. They may force food down my throat but it won't change my mindset. It won't change the fact that I look in the mirror or down at my body and see gross fat hanging from my bones. It won't stop me from thinking I'm not good enough. This is something that I need to get through.
I have boy things to update you all on! I am currently seeing a fantastic guy! He's not my boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure we're exclusively dating. He really is great. We go out to dinner, play putt putt, watch movies, and just hang out. I have so much fun when I'm with him. I'm actually going over to his house in about 30 minutes. So I should go get ready. I'll update more soon!
it breaks my heart to see you posting on here again. I really thought after talking to your parents and getting help this summer you'd be a little farther progressed in recovery. But I know it's hard. I think you are already a beautiful, thin young woman.
ReplyDeleteI think it's really important for you to start seeing someone again. and if you are on medication but are having all these reoccurring feelings then maybe you don't even need it since it isn't helping.